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Her Anger Like A Fire

Byjack

Her Anger Like Fire

I felt her anger like fire

Burning in my face

Searing like acid

Felt the heat of it

Within her body

But all I could think of

Was the weight of the cold stones filling my heart

While I wondered

What happens

When love

Gives up

 

I realized something today. Sometimes when you love someone so much, you can’t give them space. Love needs space to grow, absence to remind you what it is made of. Sometimes, if you really love someone, you have to let them go. Even if it means they may never come back.

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Workpost 11: Mentalities for Happiness

Byjack

Today I woke up feeling pretty awful from going to bed at 4AM last night.

I was feeling super overwhelmed with many many things in my life.

Today, I chose to wake up slowly, get to work slowly, and here are some of the mentalities that helped me:

  1. Cleaning is incredibly healing. Any time of cleaning, cleaning your workspace, your body, your clothes, it all is very therapeutic.
  2. What can I do for future Jack. This is the Matthew McConnehey’s idea of leaving breadcrumbs. Instead of the common idea of letting your future self deal with a problem (let future Jack deal with the dishes, let future Jack deal with talking to this person) think about what you can do now to make your future self happier. This can look like everything from cleaning, to setting up a super nice workspace, cooking yourself a really good meal.
  3. Focus on challenge and growth. I think oftentimes I get overwhelmed because I think about how hard things are. What helps me is thinking about everything in terms of challenge and growth. How can I challenge myself? What can I do to grow?
  4. Live in the hierarchy of being true to oneself. I was talking to a friend the other day about hierarchies and choosing the right one (don’t compete in a hierarchy you don’t believe in such as money). I want to compete and live in a hierarchy of being honest and true to myself.

I still feel a quite a bit of stress of the difficult conversations I’m anticipating, and the difficult tasks I have in front of me.

Unwelcome World

I feel sometimes

I am living in a world

Where every step is heavy

But the gravity only pulls on my heart

And the future feels unknown

Scary and not comfy

Workpost 46: A Black Dragon Called Neelu

Byjack

Today I came up with a new emotional processing tool, finding a way to personify the feelings within me and making friends with them.

The goal is to accept and validate feelings within instead of trying to push them down or quickly process them.

Here are some examples:

  1. Valorant stress and anxiety (fear of being bad/defective, fear of failure) – a little black dragon called Neelu. The tension in my stomach and heart are the dragon’s body my frustration its fire.
  2. The feeling of being overwhelmed by the thought of work – Pedro the Triangle, a pyramid floating in my chest with sharp edges
  3. The desire/pull for attention or to be liked – Lethe the a sort of fast moving air or energy in my chest

These personification, I make friends with them, allow them to be with me while I go about my business.

I also wanted to talk about a really good video I watched.

Some lessons I learned:

  1. Stay consistent
  2. Figure out what you want to be the best at (good enough for others to want to pay you money)
  3. Figure out what comes before the money in terms that is more grounded and more closer to your purpose

Taking the final advice, I wanted to think about it a little more.

I want to make $200,000.

My two goals are:

  1. To help people turn their artistic gifts into masterpieces
    • Works of art that are honest, emotional, grounded, playful, imaginative, personal, and beautiful
  2. To make companies 10x more valuable
    • More purposeful, unique, efficient, intentional, innovative processes, brands, culture, products and leaders (consistent and aligned)

The question I want to ask myself is: how would I need to go about my goals in such a way that it would be strange if I didn’t make $200,000?

Workpost 8: Crawling

Byjack

I did not wake up feeling good. I went to bed at 11:40 (much earlier to my credit! I ended up not working on one of my projects and didn’t play Valorant). However, I couldn’t fall asleep because I just showered and my body was too hot.

This morning, I went for a walk and I crawled for about 30 minutes. Crawling feels EXTREMELY good. I found a way to do it very naturally. I think it is funny how great hardship yet again provides so much value. I know how to crawl because I had to learn how to walk properly after messing up my knee so much that it hurt to walk. In learning how to walk I have a clear idea of how to shift my weight and do the same thing when I crawl. I’m going to try to crawl more throughout the day.

Other than crawling, I did feel extremely happy last night driving around but again in the morning I feel kind of lonely and depressed and I wonder again what I can do to soothe that.

Perhaps, I will play some Valorant today, do some art and music, and more crawling because those things all make me happy. I also reached out to a lot of friends yesterday and a lot of people wanted to talk today so maybe I will talk to them too. I am excited to go on the trip to California with my brother and sister!

As for the different projects, here are my thoughts:

  1. AI Consulting: I’m happy with the new direction, but nervous about shooting the videos
  2. Art Coaching: Really excited about my new ideas, interested in creating the materials that I’ve been planning for
  3. Art Coaching Product Research: Feeling pretty anxious about this since this is what I dropped yesterday due to time constraints
  4. Demo work: feel bored by it
  5. I also want to revist my knee challenge for my spar with my friend coming up and my knee challenge for the same reason
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Love and Hate

Byjack
Love and Hate

Sometimes I hate her so much

I want to break everything in my house

Smash it to pieces

Hit her so hard

I can feel some sort of relief

In my heart

So angry

That she refuses to give me

The girl I’m so in love with

Instead

She makes herself hard to love

She thinks she is taking back control

That this is what confident people do

That she will somehow stop the pain

If she ruins everything first

She’s afraid

That she will disappoint me

She doesn’t know

That she was enough

That even in my anger

All I wanted

Was to get her back

That I love her

And I chose her for a reason

She doesn’t know

All her pushing me away

Makes me so angry

Makes me so sad

Scared

Tired

Tired of being forced to ask myself again

If she is worth it

Tired of feeling doubt

When I already know

That she is the one

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The Beauty of Eternal Loneliness

Byjack
The Beauty of Eternal Loneliness

When I met her

I felt whole

Her love

Insistant, constant

Made me feel safe

Made me feel free

Accepted

Made me want to feel

Devoted

But when the loneliness came back

I tried to lean

On her

And I leaned instead

On a wall of toothpicks

Left behind

When I fell

The toothpicks scattered around me

I’ve never felt more alone in my life

I tried to fill something missing in me

With her

So much

I forgot

No one is forever

We are alone

From the moment we draw our first

To the last

And when I tried to desperately fill

The loneliness with her

The loneliness that was a part of me

I also lost

The one person

Who was there

Before she came

After she leaves

The only one

Who can be alone together

With me

Me

 

There is no shame in loving hard, loving deeply. All love comes with sadness and a special sort of sadness that can be so unbearable we try to cover its beauty. But don’t be afraid. Love is the most beautiful emotion we feel. 

We seeks people who can heal us, compliment us and challenge us. It is the best thing in the world to seek out such people. Finding other people can be the most rewarding experience ever.

However, when we feel lonely, it reminds us to ask ourselves the question:

  • How do I feel? Let the answer come to you.
  • What would make you happy? What if you gave yourself permission to fail?

If we worry too much about losing someone:

  • We feel the feelings
  • A reminder that we are always alone
  • We let our frustration out in a way that feels good (running, hitting something)
  • Creating art that feels good
  • Focus on the present, that is all that exists

We should never be afraid to love. But we should be afraid of trying to replace ourselves with them.

My Darker Side

Byjack

Today I wanted to talk about a side of myself that I felt was missing. A part of myself that when I reclaim, I feel powerful and clear. Strong and true.

I’m talking about my darker side. The parts of myself, that until recently, I was afraid to face. The parts I locked away because I thought they were too ugly to look at. The anger, the hatred, the rage, the lust, the desire for control and domination.

I have a very hard edge that I hold back a lot of the time these days. I always try to approach everything from a positive light because I fear that if I let myself react in the way that I want to, bad things will happen. That I will be unlovable, hopeless, and lonely.

There is someone in my life, who I count very special who has been the only one to see clearly enough to embrace my darker side. Who understands how honest and real it is, despite the fact that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Who will understand instead of judging and admonishing when my darker self makes an appearance.

When I embrace my full self, I wonder how important youtube is. I wonder how important it is to win the approval of others. It makes me want to be less kind, that kindness simply feels overused and boring if I do it too much. That it is a drug and a sweet poison if I turn to it as a way to ignore the darker thoughts.

It makes me want to bring my hard edge into my youtube more often. It makes me want to be harder with the people around me. It makes me want it to pervade through everything I do and attempt.