She used to message me and beg me to get on to play I thought she needed me then Loved spending time together We would joke And talk about life Little things These days she plays Without me It’s me who asks And she reluctantly accepts In the game, she’s all anger and frustration She hates the game She hates the teammates She hates me And she hates herself She denied that she ever had fun with me today Says she can’t remember the last time we played That I annoy her That we need to win if we play That we just don’t work together “I like small talk,” she says about her new friends “We are too busy asking about favorite colors” “For me to be mad” I remember a time we asked each other our favorite colors I wonder if it was less special than I thought Or if her new friends are more special than me Its doubt that destroys love Not hate or anger Doubt eating away at a foundation so strong It promised forever Today I worry If I left Would she even notice Over the laughter Of her new friends
This poem is about feeling like what you thought you both cherished, only you actually cherished. That there wasn’t a connection at the level that I originally thought.
If that is actually true, I don’t feel heartbroken. Only depressed. So incredibly disappointed that everything was not as special as I thought it was. It takes me back to my dark places, wondering if anyone could truly love me.
Part of me knows it’s more complicated than that. That there is still hope for us. Still hope for me.
There is no shame in loving hard, loving deeply. All love comes with sadness and a special sort of sadness that can be so unbearable we try to cover its beauty. But don’t be afraid. Love is the most beautiful emotion we feel.
We seeks people who can heal us, compliment us and challenge us. It is the best thing in the world to seek out such people. Finding other people can be the most rewarding experience ever.
However, when we feel lonely, it reminds us to ask ourselves the question:
How do I feel? Let the answer come to you.
What would make you happy? What if you gave yourself permission to fail?
If we worry too much about losing someone:
We feel the feelings
A reminder that we are always alone
We let our frustration out in a way that feels good (running, hitting something)
Creating art that feels good
Focus on the present, that is all that exists
We should never be afraid to love. But we should be afraid of trying to replace ourselves with them.
Today I am feeling unsure about my path moving forward. I don’t know what the future holds for me, my career, or relationship.
I want to execute on my plans but I am falling behind. I feel like it takes so much time to make content even if I move at lighting speed, but I will try nonetheless.
It is really helpful to think about vulnerability as emotional work. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being vulnerable just to be vulnerable and that doesn’t feel good or productive.
Ok so lets first look at AI consulting.
My deadline for step 1 is 27th of February. That is one week from now.
My progress so far:
Generated 56 video ideas
Generated 35 prompt ideas
Generated 14 post ideas
Out of the 91 prompt and video ideas, I narrowed down to 18 and asked people to vote on them. Here are the final results.
What kinds of people have job security in the age of AI? – 1
How to build an AI model with zero dollars – 2
Will AI ever be conscious? – 1
Can AI feel emotions? – 2
Did chatgpt pass the turing test?
Can AI be creative? – 1
Can AI be used to create a cure? – 4
What skills are still needed in the age of AI? – 2
What should you learn when AI knows everything? – 1
How to transition to an AI related career? – 1
How to use AI for better business decisions? – 2
How can AI be used to develop innovative products? – 3
GPT Prompt: Imagine a future where a specific societal problem has been solved.
GPT Prompt: Write a rap verse about your favorite food.
GPT Prompt: Take a boardgame and invent new rules
GPT Prompt: Take everything in your fridge and ask for recipes – 2
GPT Prompt: Play a game with the language model, such as Mad Libs or Would you Rather?
GPT Prompt: Ask AI to explain a really difficult concept to you on a 2nd grade level – 3
My goal is the same – make a name for myself so that when I reach out to people…they will recommend people to me.
It is actually sorta interesting how this worked out because in the process of polling people on the video ideas automatically helped me network. I’m discovering a whole new way to network! The step sorta go like this:
Reach out and mention something about what they did recently
If they respond, chat with them for a bit
When you need feedback on an idea, any recommendations for people, reach out to the people you resonate with…or even people who never responded!
I’m a little stumped on where I need to go next.
I want to follow the Mr. Beast formula of spending a lot of time on the title of my videos and the first few seconds. But does that mean I wait until all the results come in?
My feeling is that no, that isn’t the case. If I want to make a name for myself in 7 days, I need to start working on videos. Perhaps, my first step is to start breaking down a video and doing some research on here so I can be better informed on which videos would produce the best results.
Last night I tried to go to Judo Club for the first time but they were closed for Thanksgiving.
The thing that I wanted to understand the most is why I have this feeling every time I want to leave my house, that I don’t want to go. I always want to live a life of adventure but I’m beginning to suspect that is because I never leave.
So let me try to break it down. The thoughts that come to my head when I think about venturing out:
It is too much energy
It is probably cold outside
I’ll have less time for gaming
I probably won’t like it
What if Judo isn’t useful to me
I don’t know Judo at all what if I’m bad at it
What if I need a gi, I don’t have a gi
Maybe I should go back to jiujitsu
What if it doesn’t help with jiujitsu
Does jiujitsu even help with self defense
I feel like I’m wasting my time
And these types of thoughts are also pervasive when I think about doing anything. Shopping, trying to make friends, or eating out. I don’t want to do anything.
I want someone that I know who is also game, but at the same time I don’t want to bring the wrong person who I don’t trust or feel safe around.
It does help to have my audiobook so at least when I drive I can get some escape into a cool and interesting world.
I think I feel very alone in this world. I think I now understand why I always push my gf to be more ambitious or wish that she was. It’s because then I would feel less alone.
But there is a good reason for going outside and experiencing life. I always want to feel anything is possible, to feel alive and connected to the world. To take risks and grow as a person. I suppose the counter to that is just feeling that the world feels too unsafe and like it will not understand me or give me what I need. At home, I have my games and friends and it feels nice and comforting.
Audiobooks are almost a way for me to self-soothe outside my house.
In a way, youtube and social media make sense too. It is like having a friend who you can tell things to when you feel alone outside filming or going on adventures.
I want to accept my loneliness. The first thing that comes to my mind is to turn my loneliness into art.
As I slowly process, I start to think about how I can slowly start branching out by staying in my apartment complex but leaving my actual apartment.
I understand why people find solace in religion. I really feel that I need a group of people who are seeking to do the same thing as me. To do things in life. To have the same values and philosophies. Not just share the same favorite TV shows. I have a friend who is Christian and I envy his options in having those deep connections. It just doesn’t feel right to me, because I don’t believe in that faith.
I am almost seeking spirituality.
That is an interesting statement. I’ve always felt that was the thing that was missing from my life. I have career success, success in money and even love. It is spirituality that I’ve never embraced because I felt nothing from a lot of the types of spirituality proposed to me.
Two more things occur to me now.
First, is that I recently borrowed a book called Man’s Search for Meaning By Viktor Frankl and I will read it. It is actually funny that this book was available for me to borrow at this time (I had to put it on hold since there were no available copies when I first checked) because it is supposed to be the best book for my EXACT problem. Spirituality. Meaning. Purpose. It was written by a Holocaust survivor.
The second thing that occurs to me is that I used to do a lot of work to change the world. It’s been a long time since I have done that sort of thing, but I think it really gave me something of what I need right now. I think that’s why I love coaching so much. It fills many needs, but one of the needs is for doing something that is changing the world for the better.
That’s it for now I suppose. I will go read that book now (or listen to it, since I got the audiobook version).