Core Beliefs 2

Byjack

I have no idea how I’m going to do this today but I’m going to try. I feel so shitty about myself right now. Maybe I’ll add another core belief.

Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)

Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):

  • Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I think I look quite handsome
  • With online dating when I took better photos, a lot of girls liked me
  • When I was in college, I once hit on a girl who won a beauty pageant and she gave me her number, we flirted really hard for a few days but ended when her dad found out
  • When I was in art class, one of my friends told me that when he asked a bunch of girls in our class whether they would choose me or this guy called Michael, they all chose me (and said the choice was obvious) even though Michael was taller (and better looking in my opinion).
  • A really beautiful girl in college in my art class who I liked at first invited me to her apartment for dinner when we were flirting.
Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away

Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):

  • Once I was mad at my mom and I wanted to stay mad at her, but instead, I told her I was sorry and that I didn’t mean it. She told me that she knew I didn’t mean it and it was so sad and sweet. Usually, my mom is really hard and unwilling to show emotion.
  • I cried for the first time in a very long time recently and it helped me move on from a major heartbreak. It also brought all the men in my support group closer to me.
  • Being vulnerable and showing my emotions is what got me into the longest-running relationship I have ever been in. Even if it has issues, the emotions really made us close.
  • When I complained about being upset to my friend in my art class, she seemed to feel closer to me when she comforted me
  • Another friend in art class told me I was able to read her emotions very strongly. I felt so much sadness from her, I changed the subject before I would start to cry.
  • A co-worker from work once started crying when she opened up to me about how she didn’t seem to be able to get it right with her relationships. She is usually very emotionless but I think she opened up to me because of how accepting I am of emotions.
Core Wound 3: I am a bad person (it is my fault that I hurt people)

Evidence to the contrary (I am a good person, and it’s not always my fault people get hurt):

  • I’m always looking to mentor new people at my work who seem to be having trouble
  • I found a new career path that makes sense for someone who is lost and I really care about
  • I always try to give up my seat on a bus for someone who is old or injured
  • I’m trying to make a difference with the environment at my workplace
  • I stayed around to help my grandmother get to the hospital and offered to give my parents thousands of dollars to help pay for her medical costs

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Valorant 18: Strafe Clearing

Byjack

I’ve been killing it on the aim front. In deathmatch, I absolutely own.

I have been working on a new aiming mechanic, what I like to call the strafing clear. First, I went from silver all the way to gold simply off of working on my site clears. A few things I noted:

  • Practicing in custom matches is extreemly helpful
  • Way more helpful than DM flicks
  • Close angles call for very small clears, big angles are for big wide swings

I’ve been trying to pair this with the counter strafing mechanic and I think I figured out something.

Simply by paying attention to which side of the head you expect your crosshair to be on, you can get a much better strafing shot when you peek/clear an angle.

When you clear, you shoot like normal, if your shot is off, you adjust in the direction you need to.

I'm clearing CT, getting ready to clear the other side of container.
I see the Omen when I clear, I know my crosshair is on his left. So I need to adjust right.
I strafe right onto his head.
Instant headshot.

Let’s say you are clearing one angle, and an enemy pops up on your right. Your crosshair is far to the left of your target, so you quickly adjust, while strafing to the right to line up the perfect flick.

This is extremely useful because not only does this mean that your shots can be super accurate, it means you are moving a lot and making it extreemly hard to hit you (or atleast headshot you).

I think the coolest part, is when you strafe out in one direction, realize the enemy is to the other side of your crosshair so you strafe in the other direction to get the shot.

I also abuse the hit slow (how you freeze if you are hit) to get better accuracy and try to tap the enemy down if I am stopped midstrafe.

That being said, I think that there are a couple of different types of aiming mechanics in Valorant.

  1. Spray control – used for wall spams and smoke spams and long gun fights
  2. Strafing – used for clearing and gun fights out in the open
  3. Distance shooting – used for really far fights
  4. Holding – used to hold again specific peaks

Spray control

  • Got no real strat. Just try to watch the bullet tracers

Strafing

  • Watch the relationship between the crosshair and the head (whether left or right). Details are above

Distance Shooting

  • Use a lot of movement-based aiming for really accurate shots. Tap fire.

Holding

  • Prepare to duck behind cover, spray a few shots and duck back.

Five Things I Love About Women (That Has NOTHING To Do With Appearance)

Byjack

I’m thinking about how women (while often are beautiful and sexy) are not valued for anything beyond their looks or given any affirmation.

For my entire life, I liked having girls as friends, companions, and coworkers because I like being around them (and it has nothing to do with appearance). Here 5 things I like:

  1. I really respect the intelligence and work ethic some women have. They are not arrogant or assume they know everything, which I feel makes someone even smarter since they are faster and better at learning from their mistakes and recognizing that someone is more knowledgable than them (some men are terrible at this to their own downfall).
  2. Women can be easier to connect to on an emotional level. I don’t have to pretend to be strong around women. I can talk about my childhood, when people make me angry, or make me feel embarrassed or sad.
  3. Some women love talking about relationships in an emotionally well-rounded way. I like to talk more about physical attraction or meeting specific criteria. I want to gush about someone I really like.
  4. Some women are really into aesthetics and art. Fashion and beauty isn’t a clinical “I gotta hit the gym to get big” kind of thing. It’s your personal taste and expression of yourself and your feelings.
  5. Some women can be extremely supportive. I like it when you have someone to vent to or recognize when something is making you uncomfortable.

 

There are many other things as well, women can be down to earth, or wild and adventurous. They can be welcoming and extroverted, or quiet and introspective. But overall, it just feels more balanced being with women. They understand my logic mixed with emotion and feeling. They aren’t as competitive and are more caring.

Here is me rambling about it for 13 minutes straight. Ramble ramble.

Seeking Adventure

Byjack

I’ve been feeling really unhappy that I haven’t been traveling or going on adventures lately. I meditated on it a long time today to try to figure it out. The more that I thought about it, the more I realized that I feel stuck in almost every area of my life. Specifically, I don’t feel like I’m making much progress in my Valorant Challenge, and a video that I am working on I feel like I’ve hit a dead end. Today I had a dance lesson and I felt like I couldn’t grasp the techniques quick enough, and I feel so distant from the girl I love sometimes.

However, anything that came to me didn’t feel right. I thought about how I could take risks, drive somewhere, fix the feeling that I had somehow. I came to an important realization. I’m not unhappy with anything in my life. I’m at a stage where there is a degree of uncertainty I’m worried that something will go wrong, that my hopes and dreams will fall away. However, that’s not the case at all. Sometimes, all you need to do is keep going, accept and feel the feelings of uncertainty and have the courage to be curious as to see what the future will hold.

In almost every area of my life that I feel stuck, there is a promise of something really truly special. An amazing challenge on a computer game. A wonderful artistic fun video for an event I’m holding. Being able to truly express me and feel confident in my body with dance. and last but not least, a love story that will change my life. All I need to do is be brave enough to wait to see what will happen next.

Perhaps it’s not the risk or adventure that I miss when traveling. It is the feeling of taking each day, one step at a time. Always being in the moment. Allowing life to happen and unfold in front of you. Trusting my gut and intuition.

Self Discipline and Self Confidence

Byjack

I started to understand what it means to have “self-discipline” and using that to build self-confidence.

It isn’t about holding yourself to arbitrary rules and forcing yourself to do things that you don’t want to do (but think you “should do” or that other people think you should do).

It is about challenging yourself. If you have a challenge mindset, you don’t worry about failure, you are interested in the possibility. If you have self discipline in a challenge, it means to focus on that and as you follow through, you start to build confidence.

As Goggins says, you don’t get happiness or confidence from comfort, you get it from facing yourself and facing your fears.

The big issue between people who really understand and those who are fake motivation is that people who are fake push themselves for other people, they push themselves out of fear. The people who understand, have embraced fear, they push themselves WITH the fear. People who don’t understand, disconnect from themselves and ignore fear. The people who understand CONNECT with fear, feel it MORE not LESS.

Thoughts on The Video About Mastery

Byjack
  1. Mastery is about feedback not just repetition as I always thought (with Valorant, then with language learning)
  2. People are bad at predicting things with randomized scenarios such as stocks, maybe it’s important to understand how to play the averages
  3. My thought is that people have a hard time predicting things that happen only once (presidential elections)
  4. I think lots of learning comes from motivation, finding it fun is HUGE is making you better and better

I Made Myself A Deal

Byjack

When I left, I made myself a deal. If it was meant to be, she would reach out and try to make it work. If it wasn’t, I would at least set both of us free to pursue our lives.

If it wasn’t meant to be I wonder why. I told her she could be forever for me. When I had her, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. But now I feel more alone than ever. I wonder if she can even love a man with her trauma. I wonder if she’s more immature than I thought. I wonder if I wasn’t able to give her what she needed. She wasn’t after all, able to give me what I needed.

All I can do is sit and try to feel the feelings of heartbreak, anger, shame, and fear. And enjoy creating art from it.

Today created a video to myself.

Sometimes we don’t always win. Sometimes we have to be ok with losing. Sometimes we have to be ok with not being good enough.