Talking To Myself

Byjack

I want to be able to face my pain. And there are a couple of questions I want to ask myself.

How am I feeling?

I feel really sad and heartbroken and lonely. I feel so much pain in my chest. I am angry and frustrated and depressed.

How can I be kinder to myself?

I need to give myself permission to ask for help from people. I need to ask people to distract me, to comfort me, and listen and understand why I loved her so much. I can try to forgive myself for hurting her.

Can I forgive her?

I don’t want to. I’m scared when I do, I will completely let her go. I will give up hope and move on. I want to think about how she can fix it. I want to blame her. I know she’s so loving and she didn’t want to be the person she was. She has a kind heart deep inside and really emotional and passionate.

Can I forgive myself?

It makes me really sad. I know I hurt her a lot, and keep hurting her over and over because of my ego. I feel ashamed that I need so much from her and keep asking her to give me more. I suppose I’ve been through a lot too. I had so much painful things happen in my life and it’s closed me off. I was more open to her than anyone else. I deserve to be happy too. I deserve to put my needs first too.

What do I need from her?

I need for her to tell me everything is ok. I need for her to tell me she loves me. I need for her to give me hope again that we will have a beautiful loving bond where I will have everything I need.

Can I give myself that?

It’s hard for sure. I don’t think everything will be ok. I don’t love myself either. And I don’t feel hope.

 

I’ll write a poem to try to do all those things for myself:

Love Again

When I met the first girl I was in love with

I was so much younger

Full hope and promise

And when it ended

I didn’t think I would ever recover

And I didn’t

Not for the next 8 years

And when I was open again

I met another girl

One who I can’t even express

How much I loved

So much

I’m crying right now

Thinking about it

Now it’s over

For the moment

But life moves on

Just like it did last time

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Workpost 41: Enjoy Yourself

Byjack

Today I did a long breathwork meditation session after feeling extremely stressed out about three questions:

  1. Should I sign up for jiujitsu again?
  2. Should I do coaching again?
  3. Should I continue therapy?

And all the worrying stressful sub questions:

  1. What about the money for jiujitsu
  2. Jiujitsu is so hard to get good at
  3. People might not buy my coaching if I didn’t do something really big
  4. Therapy costs so much money is it worth it?

And after the meditation, one thing was clear to me. The answer to everything: take everything so much less serious. Have fun!!!

If you have fun doing jiujitsu, sign up for it, go to classes when you feel like it. Have an amazing time doing work. If you love coaching, do it whether or not people believe that you are a good coach or not.

Enjoy yourself. Indulge yourself in boba while working. Take breaks to play on the piano, to draw.

P.S. I did sign up for jiujitsu, and I intend to have fun learning tons of new martial arts.

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Profit in Peace 16: Saying No

Byjack

It is funny because I said no today to the real Profit in Peace challenge today to say yes to my own personal challenge that I created for myself. Today he had a bunch of giveaways and gave away a product for $1 but I realized that it is going to take too much of my attention away. I don’t even want it for $1, maybe not even for free.

I’m very stressed today for all the stuff I have to do for work, I’m very proud of myself for finding a really awesome amazing transition from work to gaming last night and always having a good peaceful nighttime, it is what I always wanted and I finally got it.

Today I need to post my update for the knee challenge, already have it recorded, but need to post it.

I also need to kick off things for the French challenge. No idea how that is going to go.

Finally, the Profit in Peace challenge sparked something in me. I realized that I bought Alex Hormozi’s book $100 Million Leads which will be SUPER helpful in building my coaching practice…actually will help me in my overall career as well. I think there is some super valuable information in there.

On top of that, now that I’m thinking of it, I have some other really good books for business and sales and coaching, Sell Like Crazy by Sabri Subi and The Prosperous Coach by Steve Chandler.

Lots of interesting things going on. I feel like really much more in balance than I have been in a long time.

Routine-wise, I’m better than I’ve ever been. I have a routine working hours, good bedtime, great winddown time, and a great morning routine. I’m keeping up with the breathing and I love yous and it is going great.

I suppose that only thing that I want more of is more friends and interactions outside myself.

Perhaps it will help when I get more time in the morning. Today I will really try to do some work outside of my apartment even if it isn’t in the morning.

Workpost 46: A Black Dragon Called Neelu

Byjack

Today I came up with a new emotional processing tool, finding a way to personify the feelings within me and making friends with them.

The goal is to accept and validate feelings within instead of trying to push them down or quickly process them.

Here are some examples:

  1. Valorant stress and anxiety (fear of being bad/defective, fear of failure) – a little black dragon called Neelu. The tension in my stomach and heart are the dragon’s body my frustration its fire.
  2. The feeling of being overwhelmed by the thought of work – Pedro the Triangle, a pyramid floating in my chest with sharp edges
  3. The desire/pull for attention or to be liked – Lethe the a sort of fast moving air or energy in my chest

These personification, I make friends with them, allow them to be with me while I go about my business.

I also wanted to talk about a really good video I watched.

Some lessons I learned:

  1. Stay consistent
  2. Figure out what you want to be the best at (good enough for others to want to pay you money)
  3. Figure out what comes before the money in terms that is more grounded and more closer to your purpose

Taking the final advice, I wanted to think about it a little more.

I want to make $200,000.

My two goals are:

  1. To help people turn their artistic gifts into masterpieces
    • Works of art that are honest, emotional, grounded, playful, imaginative, personal, and beautiful
  2. To make companies 10x more valuable
    • More purposeful, unique, efficient, intentional, innovative processes, brands, culture, products and leaders (consistent and aligned)

The question I want to ask myself is: how would I need to go about my goals in such a way that it would be strange if I didn’t make $200,000?

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Additional Thoughts on Affirmative Action and Personal Decision Making

Byjack

The types of biases:

1. Cognitive Dissonance

2. Spotlight Effect

3. Anchoring Effect

4. The Halo Effect

5. Gambler’s Fallacy

6. Contrast Effect

7. Confirmation Bias

8. Baader-Meinhoff Phenomenon

9. Zeigarnik Effect

10. Paradox of Choice

More biases:

11. Survivorship Bias

12. Self Serving Bias

13. Fundamental Attribution Error

14. Hindsight Bias

15. Availability Bias

16. Availability Cascade

17. Sunk Cost Fallacy

18. Framing Effect

19. Clustering Illusion

20. Exponential Growth

21. Barnum Effect

Ideas for these biases:

  • Create a selection process (for college, group or job)
  • Use for cold hard thinking areas (stocks)
  • Use in logic games (Valorant, Chess)
  • Take advantage of bias to do careful marketing

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A Strange New Place

Byjack
A Strange New Place

I got to a strange new place today

On the stop right after Heartbreak Hotel

Where I abandoned the dream girl

Who looked at me with soft eyes

In this strange new place

I found a place for the desire to blossom

To bloom without restraint

But the voice it spoke in

Didn’t need to be sexy and alluring

But a steady voice

They spoke of kindness and safety

A soft expression of that flamboyant love

The one the understood

That pain was part of the cage

Pain too hard too dark

For the mind to see any desire

As an invitation to an adventure

Rather than a prison

Of violence and terror

So hopeless

It cannot be faced

What a strange new place

Where the shamed can be accepted

Silently

Quietly

Letting themselves come to the surface in new ways

Passion as unwavering supportiveness

Fantasy as easygoing humor and happiness

 

This poem is about realizing that sexual love can be beautiful, adventurous, and happy. It doesn’t need to be suppressed. Yet it also can feel the pain of trauma, and be expressed as deep caring and supportiveness. It’s a strange new place because I cannot wrap my head around how it works even though it feels right and true.

Workpost 38: Time Off

Byjack

Today I feel mentally and physically drained. I went to bed at 3 AM last night. I feel defeated, anxious, and sad about my relationship. I keep asking myself what it means to own a startup, what it means to be in charge. I think what it means is to be able to take a day off if you need to.

Let’s take a look at some of the different areas of my life right now:

STARTUP

  1. I’m disappointed in both the effectiveness and efficiency with customer projects as well as the level of sales outreach.
  2. I feel disconnected from my partner with quite a bit of friction, feeling that there is always a barrier to do what I want to do.

What might be the next steps?

  1. Identify areas my partner is strong in to involve him more on things I need help with
  2. Identify areas I feel strongly I should lead and take more leadership in that area

LIFE

  1. I’m a bit stagnated on my todo list
  2. My life systems for food and exersise are seeing big wins
  3. Huge desire to get more sleep

What might be my next steps?

  1. Fallout during the day only for leveling up people
  2. Netflix and long fallout sessions at night in bed
  3. To do list cleaning/grooming on fridays

COACHING

  1. I’ve stopped completely
  2. Undecided on whether to work on my own art projects or continue coaching
  3. I want to work on my youtube channel and an art group

What might be my next steps?

  1. Finish artist interview challenge
  2. Outreach for potential clients

RELATIONSHIP

  1. I feel misunderstood a lot, mismatching values, too much physical distance
  2. I love my girlfriend very much

What might be next steps?

  1. Journal more on the painful feelings
  2. Use them to grow and understand myself better