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Knee Challenge: Looking Ahead

Byjack

I completed my knee challenge in terms of going hiking in Zion national park. I felt like I succeeded in a big way but still have a long way to go in terms of getting where I need to go.

What is next for me? I know in the long term, I want to be very physically active. I want to be able to practice martial arts, do a little parkour and gymnastics. I know it will take a lot of effort and time to get there and it feels quite overwhelming for me.

I’m going to set a few large goals and then look at some of the very short term goals getting there.

2 year goal – the ability to practice martial arts, parkour gymnastics and skiing. My goal isn’t to go too hard in any of these areas, just to be able to do them safely.

1 year goal – to get back to preinjury levels

1 month goal – be able to sleep, walk, stand and light exercise with zero discomfort. I will call this goal little freedom.

I don’t really know what the next step in my process is. It feels too soon to set a schedule yet.

I just want to slowly rest and explore for now.

My feelings are that challenge videos make for really good productivity but I need to slow down sometimes and feel the feelings.

Maybe I will write a poem:

Creaky Knees

When I bend my knee

It feels like I’m grinding

Hinges made of old stone

Like the kind in movies

That open secret magical passages

And grate against themselves

I say that I want to be able to do martial arts again

But the truth is

I don’t know what I want

I am afraid to dream again

Of a world where I can be active

I’m so used to being scared

Of clutching my knee close

So as not to hurt it

I feel like I’m too old to have these dreams anymore

Of flying

Like I did when I wanted to learn parkour

Everything scares me

I feel that

I need to understand this part of myself first

Listen to what it wants to say

“Everything is a danger”

It tells me

The protector of my knee

Of my body

It feels safe to not move at all

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Finding My Feet In Austin

Byjack
Finding My Feet In Austin

Today I’m walking around with Yad

And I feel anxious because I don’t know what will happen next

What should happen next

But as I move

As I talk to girls

To guys

I feel more and more

Like this is the adventure I was looking for

This is the freedom I’m looking for

I don’t know where this is going

I just need to be able to stay in my body

And have courage

I’m so scared

But I feel a little hope now

This poem is about feeling so lost all the time. Not wanting to meet anyone or talk to anyone, but feeling so incredibly isolated and lonely. I’m afraid of wasting time but I don’t know where to focus my energy. But right now I realize that I just need to have an adventure and make an effort to overcome my fear of getting close to people or showing them who I am.

It’s not important to make the right decision, more so that I am able to feel the feelings.

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Misaligned

Byjack
Misaligned

It’s been bothering me

All day

All night

Nagging at me

This feeling I cannot place my finger on

Something 

Misaligned

The easiest way to see this

Is how much respect 

She has for her friend

Wealthy

Privileged

A liar

A cheater

Skips school

Steals for fun

Likes being toxic

Likes fighting people

“Winning” arguments

As if life is handing out prizes

For the most annoying waste of space

Yet somehow

These are not the traits she dislikes

But admires

She loves it when her friend buys her things

She also lies

Also likes to cheat

Also plays mind games

Skips school together

Is envious of the stealing

Tries to be even more toxic

Like fighting people too

She seems to respect her friend so much

A near high school dropout

She claims I won’t be able to handle her

That she will somehow break me emotionally

As if I don’t have years more experience

Intelligence

And self-awareness

And yet

Everything good in this world

That I love

Exploring the world

Learning about math and science

Reading books

Being kind and empathetic

Singing and dancing

Succeeding in school

Being smart and competent

Are all somehow undesirable

Somehow

Cringy

Boring

I don’t know

I’m confused

I don’t understand

What world she even lives in

How can I connect her world with mine

I still love her

And I have no idea

What to do next

It makes me feel

Confused

Afraid

Angry

Unhappy

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Valorant 4: Thoughts While I’m On Break

Byjack

I’ve been traveling for the past two weeks and haven’t been able to play any Valorant, but today I was thinking about some  of the things I wanna try.

I saw this amazing video by scream (a professional EU valorant player known for his aim).

Some major takeaways:

  • Warm up wrists
  • Practice jett knives in practice range
  • Practice not only one tapping but also burst spraying
  • Should take longer with Vandal, spray burst with phantom
  • Crosshair placement is key for getting kills, be ready for a wide swing or a small jiggle depending on the situation
  • Always look to play off of your team, solo carrying is VERY hard even for pros, Valorant is a combo game

Other things I’ve been thinking to try:

  • I need to get used to all sorts of movement, play around with it like I do with dance
  • I should aim with movement a lot more

In general, I feel like I need to apply what I learned from dance – keep feeling out the things that feel uncomfortable. Try different ways to do the same thing. Look for something that feels good. Understand my body as well as just the ingame mechanics.

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Valorant 31: Class in Session – Unit 1 Day 1

Byjack

UNIT 1: VOD Review | Day 1 – TenZ

Exercise: Imitate Tenz and imagine I am him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsgDk8ojQjg&ab_channel=ValorantDAILY

Lessons learned:

  • I’m exhausted – fell asleep for a long time after watching and imitating for a short period of time
  • Knife to gun transition – keeping knife out until dangerous angles, then switch to gun or do a jump peak while switching if no room
  • Hold for peeks – clear where they might peek, not where they might be, continue to hold it or switch to another angle they can push you from
  • Set graphics to low
  • Don’t push smokes unless with flashes or off of someone else’s contact
  • Spray with good spray control – pulling down
  • Fall after spraying to reload
  • Jiggle if holding close to an angle
  • Warm up at the start of each round by flicking onto teammate heads

In game what I did very successfully:

  • Spamming through smokes – I got many headshots through the smoke
  • Holding peekable angles – I felt I got a lot more intentional to where I was staring
  • Holding off angles when watching for the flank (specifically I utilized the place Tenz hid on Pearl in the first round to get kills
  • Being more intentional of when the knife is out, I rarely got caught out with my knife. I figured out how much time it takes to pull out the gun, and I always timed it so that I pulled out my gun before peeking anything.

What I can improve on:

  • Pulling out the knife more often when I know no one is close
  • Spam more boxes
  • Utilizing jump peeking more
  • Making sure my peeks are still tight and clean and fast
  • Being much more focused on holding specific peeks when slowly scaling up
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Fitness Challenge 3: Sleep and Pills

Byjack

So I’ve fallen off the weight challenge a little bit due to losing my phone and having some serious trouble with routines.

But here are some updates.

In terms of appetite, I realized that stuffing yourself with food simply doesn’t work with me. I tend to feel stressed and bloated, and end up somehow losing weight as my digestion falls apart. A major tip for me that seems to work is eating enzymes. They always seems to help me a lot when breaking down food and I definitely seem to gain weight after that.

In terms of routine, I started implementing daily walks morning walks with a cup of tea and that has been working great. What hasn’t been working great is getting enough sleep and going to bed on time.

The main blocked appears to be Valorant. Today I thought about how I always focus on the problem itself as the issue but I was wondering whether or not the issue actually manifests earlier.

For example, I know in Valorant, I always blame my aim for losing gun fights, but I never think about what led up to the gunfight and how that might have put me in a unwinnable situation, or at least, a very difficult to win situation.

In terms of going to bed on time, I always blame gaming late at night. But thinking about it more deeply, I theorized that the issue actually occurs much earlier in the day, specifically during noon and afternoon. This is when I start to feel discomfort and turn to Valorant to start numbing out the pain.

Fix noon and I fix bedtime.

Today I tried taking a nap at noon and it seems to work. It’s 11 PM and while I feel pretty shitty from playing Valorant, I actually feel like it was easier for me to stop, and I may go to bed around midnight instead of 2 or 3 AM.

Today is actually the end of unit one (Baseline health: strong enough to exercise bulk and be normal health). The next unit starts tomorrow (Bulking and buildup: Gain 3 pounds of muscle).

I’m excited to see how I can start to use the rhythms I’m starting to build up, with the energy exercises and increasing diet to greater effects.

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I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

Byjack
I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

I was standing in the morning

And jumped in place

When I heard her come down the stairs

She was going to catch me

Wasting time

She told me to do exercises

But I wanted to focus on my breathing

Stare into space

Feel my thoughts

I had to bring reasons

Like armor

To defend myself against her assault

Wash your clothes

Go outside and exercise

Take a nap

Or the screaming

Rejection comes next

Anger

Chaos

Danger

Like a time bomb

Set off by too many times 

I didn’t give a reason to her

That I knew what I was doing

In my room writing this down

I await the assault

And brace myself with a list of explanations

Of why I’m up here