I feel like total shit. I didn’t sleep well and the back of my eyes hurt and I’m tired and bleary and a little cold. It is taking everything to not play games all day. I feel what gives me anxiety in this house isn’t just the expectations from my parents…but also the amount of stuff. There is too much stuff to feel comfortable around here. To feel calm.
I have been thinking about this idea a lot. The idea of “Whatever you feel the world is withholding from you is what you withhold from the world.”
I feel that this can help with a lot of the turmoil in my mind.
I ran with the ideas last night, of dance and music and I can say I feel extremely sad. Something about how much I miss this part of me. I feel sad about the weight I’ve been carrying around for so long. I feel sad because sadness acknowledges the pain in the world without shying away from it.
I watched this video last night:
I remember in art there is no right or wrong way to go about something. Just like in life. I feel we forget that a lot.
For some reason, I feel the desire to write stories. Here is a space for some freewriting:
A shark was washed onto the shore. That was the day when I asked my next door neighbor Amy to marry me. We were both 12 at the time. Amy was a quiet sort of girl, not shy, just took a while to think about things before she talked. When she did, she didn’t say much.
She looked at me up and down as if she was trying to size me up.
“So what do you say Amy?”
I wonder if this is how the shark felt. He was already dead when he was on shore, but his eyes seemed to look at you as if to say…well? What’s up?
“I don’t know,” Amy finally responded. Her fingers figeting.
“You don’t know?”
“Yea.”
“That’s ok!” I said. I was 12 and I felt invincible…
I feel sad because of how much of this I repressed within my self.
In terms of work, I feel I’ve done the experiment and I can officially say to myself, working on too many things at the same time does not work towards my strengths. I think I need to focus on one focus every day. If I get to a second one, then that’s good. Also, I can have many low effort progress toward every goal, but it can’t be the main focus.
In doing one main thing, I might be able to go to bed much sooner which is something of great concern to me.
It’s been interesting see how my values used to feel really unclear back in this post and recently got much more clear in this post, but now I feel even more clear.
Knowing your values is so important because it helps you set boundaries. When you don’t know your values it is hard to know when someone is crossing a boundary and if they are, what boundary they are crossing.
Here is the new list:
Honesty (push people who don’t accept you away, pull people who do, closer)
Empathy/Emotion (everyone is going through struggles, be present for people’s emotions without taking responsibility)
I’m exhausted – fell asleep for a long time after watching and imitating for a short period of time
Knife to gun transition – keeping knife out until dangerous angles, then switch to gun or do a jump peak while switching if no room
Hold for peeks – clear where they might peek, not where they might be, continue to hold it or switch to another angle they can push you from
Set graphics to low
Don’t push smokes unless with flashes or off of someone else’s contact
Spray with good spray control – pulling down
Fall after spraying to reload
Jiggle if holding close to an angle
Warm up at the start of each round by flicking onto teammate heads
In game what I did very successfully:
Spamming through smokes – I got many headshots through the smoke
Holding peekable angles – I felt I got a lot more intentional to where I was staring
Holding off angles when watching for the flank (specifically I utilized the place Tenz hid on Pearl in the first round to get kills
Being more intentional of when the knife is out, I rarely got caught out with my knife. I figured out how much time it takes to pull out the gun, and I always timed it so that I pulled out my gun before peeking anything.
What I can improve on:
Pulling out the knife more often when I know no one is close
Spam more boxes
Utilizing jump peeking more
Making sure my peeks are still tight and clean and fast
Being much more focused on holding specific peeks when slowly scaling up
I have been struggling with making videos for some time. I feel that a video isn’t perfect, I immediately get very stressed out. I don’t know whether to refilm or not, I don’t know what to do with the existing footage.
Here is a process that I came up with when sitting with the feelings for a bit:
Acknowledge that part of you that feels that things are missing or could have been said better by coming up with ideas for a new video to shoot (that might be almost the same or different)
Feel the feelings of discomfort in feeling not perfect, slow down, nothing else is important
Search for what the video wants to be, just like searching for beauty in the world to paint
Focus on the areas that are most clear or exciting to you.
Paint in broad brushstrokes, you don’t need the best takes at first, just focus on laying down the footage so you can see the context of how everything relates to each other
Develop the video around the areas that are most clear and start to fill out the details
Focus on the transitions
While we are at it, maybe I can think of ideas for how I can approach filming a video:
Come up with a short writeup on what feels like the right flow
Come up with some concepts of what the shoot will look like
Set up the shoot and lighting
Do three takes, first take is a direct recitation of the script, but as the takes go on, let the video become what it wants to become
Or just do step 4 and call it a day. You don’t need a script, you don’t need a plan.
I wonder a lot sometimes on when I should make a video and when I should just restart (like in art). I think there is no right answer, but making a “mediocre” video is not for the artform of Youtube, it is because I am learning Youtube. Anything you want to learn will have many imperfect tries to succeed.
Today I woke up feeling really tired. I felt undermotivated to do the things that I want to do: take walks, write in my journal. I think I’ve also been finding it hard to retain purpose for some reason, or motivation or energy to power that purpose.
I realized this morning that a big reason as to why is simply health. I felt too much discomfort in my stomach in my head, too tired.
Today’s goals are simple:
Clean up my apartment to a level that I could invite people over and feel good about it
Focus on my health and wellness, drink lots of water and take naps, eat good food
Move around a lot, I have a lot of todo list items, and I can take them different places
I’m really excited for the last one, to get outside my apartment a little more. I have more money now to do these sorts of things, so I would like to explore austin a little more, go to the library, parks, coffee shops and just have a good time while I’m working through all the different to-do list items. I have some truly excellent protocols for figuring out how to work on the move and I want to use them.
