Protected: Workpost 51: First Proposal

“This is gonna be harsh, but you aren’t a model”

“If you’re deadset on using yourself”

“I think you’re not adding very much by being in there”

“You seem robotic”

Anger, frustration, feeling misunderstood, feeling hurt.

I feel pain and cracks in my heart like cracked glass.

I don’t think my looks matter on an ad. I don’t even think being robotic matters. I think the message is what matters the most. Also, I feel I’m plenty relaxed and attractive for the ad to work.

Processing the emotions I feel that maybe different people value looks and appearance on different levels. I value the message because I know that definitely works. Others might value looks and performance more. Some people also might be turned off by my demeanor or my appearance, but that has more to do with them than me.

I also feel the difficulty processing how I feel about myself on camera.

I don’t feel the camera captures me in the best light. I see a lot of flaws.

I feel a clenching in my heart, neck, and stomach.

I feel too skinny and small, my face too pudgy and soft looking, my nose not enough definition.

Processing it further, I understand that I’m not done growing, everyday I can work to become healthier, stronger, and more attractive. Also, I accept the way I look in the camera like I accept my art. Instead of thinking of how other people look, I want to let myself look the way I want to look. Like letting the art be what it wants to be. There is something charming and right about how I look exactly as I am, imperfect me.

I want to live a full life, and worrying about how I look on camera is not what I want. I want to spend my time and energy building my business and I KNOW I can do that with videos of myself.

The next thing I want to process is how unproductive and lethargic I feel in my apartment. I don’t even want to get out of the apartment to work.

The first thing I noticed is that the apartment is a bit hot and the oxygen feels much thinner in here. I turned up the AC, put my standing desk up to standing and drank some cold water.

There is also an emotional part of this. I feel safe here. The outside world feels unsafe with unsafe people and lots of unsafe places.

It feels like a light buzzing numbing fear in my chest and stomach.

I feel like a good cleaning of the apartment can help.

Tidying and clearing out the mental baggage.

A great thing that standing desks allow for is pacing and I’m going to take advantage of that.

It’s interesting. Being at the standing desk feels the same way as leaving the apartment feels. Less cozy and comfy. More open, free, unknown, and some low level buzz of anxiety.

It almost feels like morning vs night where night is full of comfort and imagination and mornings feel more energetic and open but devoid of magic.

It almost feels like emptiness. When emotionally processing that, I feel from space comes peace, comes inspiration.

After spending more time emotionally processing this, I have a couple idea of what I can use to reframe going outside, leaving, standing at my desk and going to the gym from empty to more meaningful:

1. My coaching mindset:
   • You’re in my house
   • Take risks
   • Be comfortable in silence
   • Take your time
2. Make the impossible possible
3. Taoist productivity
   • Focus on one thing only
   • Do it until you feel empty

One more thing today, I was confused on how to work with my blog and my to do list together as they sort of fill in the same needs. They both help me get structure and work through issues.

What I decided is that I’m going to use my to do list as a mental dump and use it to organize my thoughts. If any part of those parts, I want to work through in a workspace, I will combine the necessary elements together, cross them all out and transfer to my blog to work out.

I now have 3 forms of organization:

1. To do list – braindump and prioritization tool
2. Blog – workspace
3. Calendar – time planning tool, reminder for future tasks

Overlapping areas:

1. Takeaways from prioritization or working out prioritization can be a overlap of blog and to do list
2. Long terms tasks can be overlap from calendar and to do list
3. Calendar event and work can be overlap between blog and calendar
4. Large tasks can be overlap from to do list and blog

Current thoughts about order of operations:

1. Journaling in blog
2. To do list forming and prioritizaiton
3. Long tasks added to calendar
4. Add more to journal if needed
5. Follow to do list, clumping and converting to blog as needed

I feel strongly that my client will not value the work that I did.

I feel that he will say, “yea is this what you’ve been spending all your time on??? This is not what we need”. Then I will feel frustrated because it IS what we need.

I feel unseen, underappreciated, and misunderstood.

I feel uncomfortable in this room with someone else on the phone. I feel watched, judged, and disliked.

I am now realizing this is a time that I can let go of taking responsibility for others emotions. I can have faith in their abilities to process feelings themselves.

I’m feel numb buzzing fear in my heart and stomach. I feel a little trapped in my shoulders from feeling watched.

Maybe this guy is friendly, both of us clearly like to work. We are both trying to get something done. Maybe this is a warm environment after all.

Reframe: I get to work with people near me, I can get a little sense of community without having to talk

I worry about him being uncomfortable walking behind him or listening to his calls.

I feel fear in my stomach and trapped in my shoulders. I feel I am not safe.

Maybe his calls can motivate me to work on my stuff. I feel rejected, pain in my heart, fear of rejection.

Chase rejection, it will set you free.

With the feeling for my client, I feel deep painful fear in my heart and stomach. I feel a fear of rejection again.

Reframe: if I have a fear of being misunderstood, I can take this time to understand myself.

What I do is important because clarity will give a lot of direction and power to everything you do. Noone like to buy a confused product from a confused company with confused founders. Noone is passionate about a product that isn’t clear in its purpose with a company that isn’t clear on it’s purpose.

I want to be excited about this product and company. Excitement and passionate is the lever arm for work.

Inspiration is the lever arm for creativity. Purpose is the lever arm for fulfillment. Branding is the lever arm for product value. Vision is the lever arm for decision making.

I feel like it was an absolute slog getting back on my blog. I felt like I had to force myself. I’m afraid what happens if I don’t force myself. I just want to ignore everything. I’m not happy right now.

I feel so overwhelmed with work and stocks.

I really wish I could go back to those days when I wrote in my blog and I felt like I was on track and going places. I feel so frustrated. I feel a strong desire to take action, but its as if I don’t have the leverage.

I feel so angry

I want to break to tear be violent

I feel trapped like an animal

I don’t want to write blog posts

I don’t want to process my feelings

To do taichi

Fuck all this shit

I just want to be left alone

I feel lost and alone

Very lost

I don’t know what to do

It’s as if I lost the motivation somewhere

I’ve decided to start on my health challenge today. What does that mean?

1. An emphasis on taking care of my mental and physical health above all
2. Creating boundaries and emotionally processing any pushback around not making my health a priority
3. Certain goals:
   • Jiujitsu for 2+ hours every day
   • Boxing on the days I can go
   • Cooking all of my meals
   • Bedtime at midnight
   • Reduced or elimination of all processed sugars
4. Work comes after health, and is designed to be rejuvenating instead of draining

This health challenge will run from today until the 15th – the day when I travel home. Then I will work on adjusting and finding a new routine.

Today, I want to ponder two things:

1. What do I want to post as a video explaining what I’m doing with my youtube challenge?
2. How will I support myself healthwise while working to make it rejuvenating?

Youtube Video

1. “It’s over. I failed”
2. “Welcome back to the 21 day youtuber challenge, my name is Jack you are watching episode 17.”
3. “In this challenge, I was supposed to post a video every day for 21 days, and it’s safe to say I failed.”
4. “I haven’t posted for multiple days in a row, the last episode actually shot multiple days before I released it because it took so long to edit”
5. “The reason is simple, it took 6 to 8 hours to create every video from the ideation, to the shooting, to the editing and that just isn’t sustainable”
6. “If I think of the ideal pyramid of life, it looks something like this” (Health, work, youtube)
7. “But recently it’s felt upside down”
8. “So what’s next? I still want to do the challenge – posting the rest of the 21 videos exploring what I like to make videos about. After all, I have so many more ideas to try out”
9. “But I’m not going to release them every day anymore”
10. “Here are 10 things I can focus on now that I’m not releasing videos at such a frantic pace”
11. “But in those little moments when I have time, I will keep making videos for this series, and hopefully it’ll be magical”

Working Plan

1. Focus on only one thing at a time
2. Process emotions around rushing or being in a hurry
3. Create an appropriately prioritized to do list
4. Take a lot of notes when taking a break so I can pick off where I left off
5. Timed meditation and off screen time for stronger focus