My girlfriend is leaving soon and I want to focus on her and the relationship.
I have a pretty good work system set up, but I’m not sure how to balance work with time with her.
I think the answer is just to wake up early, plan out my day and do as much breakdown as I can, then work while she is next to me in the couch reading, and if not just work during the morning.
There are a couple of things I’m feeling into.
Ok here are some of the symptoms of prediabetes:
So I probably don’t have prediabetes, just don’t respond well to glucose spikes or processed sugars.
In terms of bloating, I want to keep it simple, just doing very light circles right below my belly button really is causing me to feel like my gas is leaving. I want to make it a habit to do that when I’m feeling bloated.
Also, when I feel stressed, I want to focus on breathing. I want to charge my watch more often and use it to check my stress levels.
I’ll leave my business planning to dedicated blog posts, but overall, my next step is to improve my working tools and setup.
I’ve been feeling really out of sorts recently. Not going to bed at a reasonable time. Not brushing my teeth. Not eating well. And it all comes down to pressure. Pressure to post youtube videos. Pressure to perform at work. Pressure to rest my eyes. Pressure to do jiujitsu.
I feel beyond overwhelmed and turn to the only outlet I saw…gaming.
It’s almost as if my unconscious mind felt I really needed to meet my need to succeed and the fastest and easiest way with the lowest chance of failure is to win a game. Makes sense I guess.
In any case, I would like to return to a couple of core tenants.
In keeping with the tenant of focus, here are the priorities in order:
It’s been a few days after my deadline of September 12th.
I haven’t created business cards for my art coaching business. I haven’t learned the principles of javascript or front-end development or created a game.
The other day a friend was asking me about how to start a side gig and I had so much to tell him, yet these days I’m feeling a bit down and undermotivated.
A few realizations are perking me up a little.
Realization 1: My coaching program is not overvalued.
I want to charge $25,000 per year for my coaching program to help someone create a masterpiece. Before even pitching it to anyone, I felt like this was too big of an ask, I should lower my rates etc.
But as I thought about it deeper a few things occurred to me:
Realization 2: The process is complicated, but I have my blog
The whole point of this blog is be a place where I can incrementally work on works of progress and get better at things over time, instead of getting the final version all at once. If I don’t use this blog, I can also use my google drive, google docs, and slides to draft out things step by step and track overall progress in the blog.
I had a slower start to the day. I started the day on my phone, waking up a bit early because my new retainer is bothering me when I sleep.
I watched some Valorant, talked to my girlfriend, and now I have a flight in about 3 hours. I want to leave in about 2 hours. I still have to take out the trash, eat up some more food and load the dishwasher.
I did a bit of a workout and I found out a couple of things that help with regaining energy, and gathering chi:
Anyway goals for today. Just relax! I want to get all the chores sorted out and just spend the rest of my time relaxing.
Today I am feeling unsure about my path moving forward. I don’t know what the future holds for me, my career, or relationship.
I want to execute on my plans but I am falling behind. I feel like it takes so much time to make content even if I move at lighting speed, but I will try nonetheless.
It is really helpful to think about vulnerability as emotional work. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being vulnerable just to be vulnerable and that doesn’t feel good or productive.
Ok so lets first look at AI consulting.
My deadline for step 1 is 27th of February. That is one week from now.
My progress so far:
Out of the 91 prompt and video ideas, I narrowed down to 18 and asked people to vote on them. Here are the final results.
My goal is the same – make a name for myself so that when I reach out to people…they will recommend people to me.
It is actually sorta interesting how this worked out because in the process of polling people on the video ideas automatically helped me network. I’m discovering a whole new way to network! The step sorta go like this:
I’m a little stumped on where I need to go next.
I want to follow the Mr. Beast formula of spending a lot of time on the title of my videos and the first few seconds. But does that mean I wait until all the results come in?
My feeling is that no, that isn’t the case. If I want to make a name for myself in 7 days, I need to start working on videos. Perhaps, my first step is to start breaking down a video and doing some research on here so I can be better informed on which videos would produce the best results.
I feel exhausted. My head feels numb. I feel hot and tired. My back aches.
My heart feels heavy. I feel angry at myself. So helpless. My mind in a fog.
My apartment is a mess. I just want to cry.
I can’t work. I just play games all day long. my eyes feel tired.
It’s 2 o’clock in the morning. All I want to do is eat and play video games. The pull is so strong in my heart like there is a strand of honey getting pulled.
I feel a numb panic deep in my chest. I’m afraid of failure. I’m scared I will disappoint myself and everyone around me. Pushing myself to make my business cards is only making me curl up even harder.
It was a long week. I’m exhausted. But the work just keeps coming.
I guess I can cancel tai chi tomorrow. Sleep in.
Tonight I can clean my apartment until I feel more peaceful.
I know I can use the gym as a way to process emotions, but I don’t use it.
I feel this pull, this overwhelm, like the honey being pulled, from my heart.
I’m capable of anything. Even rising from this challenge. This is important because as I get more successful, there will be days I feel exhausted, and in those moments, I need to find a way to find balance, to find peace.
I also want to learn to embrace failure. Failure is so scary to me. There is an image in my mind of my business cards being a complete disappointment and I feel a pit in my heart. A horrible amaturish website I’m not proud of and I can’t fix it.
Everyone starts somewhere. Everyone starts at the beginning. The people who are exceptional, who are savants are not people who started at the middle. They are people who enjoyed the beginning.
But how can I enjoy this? I feel so scared it won’t be good.
Makes me think of this video:
In this video, Jesse talks about how play allows us to feel pressure while still being able to learn.
That fun is the key to this.
But what is the key to fun? What would make this fun for me, regardless of the outcome, what would make designing and drawing fun for me?
What would make it an infinite game, not just a finite game focused on an end goal?
It’s true, the thought of designing business cards does not sound fun to me at all. It sounds like a slog. But maybe that’s because I’m worried about failing.
Ok, what if I tried to merge my painterly style with “woodcut” style prints. What if I created a new drawing technique that I could use to create cool stuff for friends and to sell as products?
That definitely sounds more like play to me.
So what about going to the gym, because I like it so much when I actually go, but I find it hard to go to begin with.
What if I saw it as supercharging myself – which it really is doing. Whether I go to lift weights or just to hang from the bar and stretch it really is building my body up to full potential. It might even solve my sleep problems.
And what about sleep, why do I not want to go to bed? Because if I go to bed, tomorrow, I wake up with tons of problems. Well maybe, that’s not a bad thing. Maybe before I go to bed, I fill my to do list with questions that I want to search out the answers to.
Here are the questions I have today, that if I knew the answers to I would rest easy: