Workpost 68: More Processing

Byjack

Today I feel the need to process more emotions. I got some leads, but I’m afraid to call them. I don’t want to call them at all.

It feels boring, annoying, and painful.

I’m afraid if I call these people that I’m going to be sent to voicemail, or pressured to answer questions I don’t know the answer to. I’m afraid I will say something wrong that will mess it up, or that none of these leads are real.

I feel this burning numbing fear in center and left and right of my chest.

It feels like a plastic cage like a kids toy. It hurts like swallowing a hard candy that is a little too big.

Everyone I’m calling are just people like me.

But what if they don’t want to talk to me. What if they want me to leave them alone? Why do people sign up for things and then decide they don’t want to talk about them? What if I need to act excited and interested but I’m not?

The point is to vet these people, they might not want to work with you but you might not want to work with them on the same token.

UPDATE: I ended up calling and securing one meeting!

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Workpost 26: My Way

Byjack

My Way

Anger in my heart

Ripping tearing

Destroy all the people

Who don’t understand me

Who want to tell me what to do

What I’m worth

I hate them all

With every fiber of my being

If I could burn their existence and wipe them from the planet I would

I’m so tired of fighting

I’m so tired of having to rely on others to do what I want to do

I’m so tired

I feel hopeless sometimes

Like there is no way out of this horrid existence

Where I am trapped

I breathed and breathed

And in the breath

I remembered

That I don’t need to let anyone control me

Only one person can live my life

No one else can touch me

They can’t hurt me and they can’t control me

I can do things my way

I did a little IFS therapy on myself and here are the parts that came up:

  1. Black Hatred: This is a protector of some sort that prevents other people from taking me off course of what I want to do. It does this through extreme anger against people who don’t understand me and box me into what they feel my limitations are.
  2. Mind Reader: The mind reader is always calculating what other people want in order to prevent the painful feelings around rejection and failure.

I reminded Black Hatred that I am 31 years old and he no longer needs to protect me since no one has any hold over me anymore. I can do whatever I want to do. I promised him that I will remain true to myself.

I reminded Mind Reader that I am 31 and I am fully capable with dealing with failure, and that at my age, failure helps keep the boredom away. I promised him that I will take care of myself and give myself time, space, comfort, and support.

Matches 3: Tired

Byjack

Results from day 3 while tired and a little stressed.

Match 1

Reflections:

  1. My mind is kind of sluggish, but this way of working where I’m warming up, then taking breaks to walk is genuinely very relaxing. I don’t feel tired at all from the work.

Result Calculation:

  1. How much do I think this work is worth? I feel this work was worth less maybe $100. I feel like there were some programmer heavy tasks in here but not a huge amount was accomplished.
  2. How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? I’d say this work was middling difficulty. Maybe around a 4. It was deceptively simple in the sense that it’s very basic information added, but takes a bit of thinking.
  3. What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 5%. Not very innovative, business as usual.
  4. Gains in communication and charisma? Fair gains in communication and charisma, it is amazing to be able to show some of the information that I exposed in the data.

Match 2

Reflections:

  1. I tried to do some chess as a mental warmup, but I feel like it left me drained, perhaps next time as a mental warmup, I can try playing chess for creativity not for the win
  2. Overall I felt my energy draining in this match. I felt pretty tired.
  3. I did some extra work after the match and I feel pretty tired. I felt I needed to squeeze that extra bit out.

Result Calculation:

  1. How much do I think this work is worth? $120. It was pretty not special, some of the work I did programmatically could have been done by someone very cheap, but overall I ran tests that required a lot of deep level troubleshooting that is not easy.
  2. How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? 6-7. It was debugging which can be extremely difficult, especially for someone who doesn’t know my code.
  3. What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 5% I don’t know if anything got innovated here.
  4. Gains in communication and charisma? Good gains, gets me much closer to the final goal of presenting results.

Match 3

Reflections:

  1. Focused a lot on thinking smart not hard
  2. I noticed that taking a break is important, staying on the train of thought only makes you want to choose the easiest path, not the most intelligent
  3. Changed work time to 15 minutes
  4. Still need to let go of going fast in the warmup
  5. Like to dance on the breaks

Result Calculation:

  1. How much do I think this work is worth? $150. I was able to output results which is worth a ton, but to just hire someone to do this step, it’s probably less money. There was a lot of data and data manipulation involved as well as some troubleshooting.
  2. How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? The output file is quite complex. I give it a 7 in intellectual difficulty. Not achievable by people of lower intelligence, but easy for people of high intelligence.
  3. What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 10% Not much was innovative, the data is quite interesting though.
  4. Gains in communication and charisma? I laid the groundwork for much better result communication, I think it was great.

UNIT THREE: Planning (day 4)

Byjack

Art Challenge

Create a beautiful website and business card that will inspire magic and creativity in a way that I don’t have to explain to people what I mean create it for my younger self

Creating it like a gift for all my future clients

Business card is a gift and does not need to be similar to my website

Website is hogwarts, the business card is the invitation

Business cards will be trading cards:
-paintbrush
-pen
-writers block
-plot armor
-chiruscuru

Website will start as a powerpoint story -> website layouts
Worlds are waiting to be created
Villian imagined, dragons born, heroes conceived

AI Challenge

My way to get into the industry is simple. I need to learn node.js, react.js and maybe AWS in order to have a foundation to create whatever app that I want to.

Once I have those three or so elements, all manner of apps are possible

Workpost 40: Refinement of the Game

Byjack

Today I made some definite progress. Even though I have the exact same feeling of lack of motivation, no interest in working. Wanting to just play games, I felt significantly better, having done spleen chi exercises both before bed and after waking up in the morning. As a result I started working 3 hours earlier than yesterday.

Today, I want to improve upon and refine on the game that I created for myself yesterday.

Firstly, in my walking meditation this morning, some wisdom came to me.

Relaxed > Easy > Fast

This was the wisdom first introduced to me in the book, Born to Run where the author talks about how you run completely relaxed first. Then you make your running more smooth, more efficient. If you are able to make it efficient and relaxed, you WILL be fast.

This is the same thing in Valorant. In your warmups you aren’t instantly trying to one tap everyone. You aren’t trying to do it fast. If you do, you probably are going too fast and the warmup won’t work.

You want to start slow (or even in the Miyagi technique, don’t even follow through with a shot, just track the target). As it becomes easy for you to hit headtaps, then you start to gradually speed up.

I want to implement this in my warmups. First, start off doing intense workout with the aim of expansion. Then focus on some brainteasers (Miyagi, completely relaxed). After a few minutes of that, work on to do list, trying to make my relaxed thinking more efficient and clean. Finally, at the tail end of the warmup, try to go fast. My thoughts are:

  • 5 min physical warmup
  • 2 min brainteasers
  • 5 min todolist
  • 3 min buffer

Then for the actual match, I would like to break it up more often with some deep breathing every 5 minutes, like I do with Valorant between rounds.

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Workpost 31: On an Adventure

Byjack

I feel like I’m on an adventure, even though I am only 40 minutes away from my apartment in Austin. I am in the city of Leander, northwest of Austin and I’m feeling a bit tired but excited about the solar eclipse today.

I’m in the library and I feel at home but also lonely. I think there is something about being in close proximity to books that remind me of my childhood and about daydreaming and reading about people’s lives and wanting to find close friends and conquer the world.

I feel lonely, and I wish it was easier to connect with others.

The library reminds me of elementary school when everything was pretty simple. If you wanted to be friends with people, you just became friends with them.

I’m feeling really tired because I didn’t go to bed very early last night. I also think the sleeping appliance and my sleep mask are not things I’m used to sleeping with so I don’t sleep as well with them.

I’m focusing on recentering on my house, and that anything is possible in my house.

Today there is a solar eclipse, and I’m excited for that. Maybe I will read a book really quick, then get some work done and drive over to watch the eclipse from this really cool park nearby.

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Workpost 29: Health

Byjack

Today I woke up feeling really tired. I felt undermotivated to do the things that I want to do: take walks, write in my journal. I think I’ve also been finding it hard to retain purpose for some reason, or motivation or energy to power that purpose.

I realized this morning that a big reason as to why is simply health. I felt too much discomfort in my stomach in my head, too tired.

Today’s goals are simple:

  1. Clean up my apartment to a level that I could invite people over and feel good about it
  2. Focus on my health and wellness, drink lots of water and take naps, eat good food
  3. Move around a lot, I have a lot of todo list items, and I can take them different places

I’m really excited for the last one, to get outside my apartment a little more. I have more money now to do these sorts of things, so I would like to explore austin a little more, go to the library, parks, coffee shops and just have a good time while I’m working through all the different to-do list items. I have some truly excellent protocols for figuring out how to work on the move and I want to use them.