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Singing Relaxed Solved

Byjack

I’ve always wanted to find a way to sing relaxed no matter what position I’m in, standing, sitting, playing the piano.

I figured it out finally.

It’s actually quite simple.

Relax everything, specifically the jaw, shoulders, and stomach.

Put all the tension right above the stomach (at the diaphragm).

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Editing Youtube Videos: Rediscovering the Inner Artist

Byjack

I have been struggling with making videos for some time. I feel that a video isn’t perfect, I immediately get very stressed out. I don’t know whether to refilm or not, I don’t know what to do with the existing footage.

Here is a process that I came up with when sitting with the feelings for a bit:

  1. Acknowledge that part of you that feels that things are missing or could have been said better by coming up with ideas for a new video to shoot (that might be almost the same or different)
  2. Feel the feelings of discomfort in feeling not perfect, slow down, nothing else is important
  3. Search for what the video wants to be, just like searching for beauty in the world to paint
  4. Focus on the areas that are most clear or exciting to you.
  5. Paint in broad brushstrokes, you don’t need the best takes at first, just focus on laying down the footage so you can see the context of how everything relates to each other
  6. Develop the video around the areas that are most clear and start to fill out the details
  7. Focus on the transitions

While we are at it, maybe I can think of ideas for how I can approach filming a video:

  1. Come up with a short writeup on what feels like the right flow
  2. Come up with some concepts of what the shoot will look like
  3. Set up the shoot and lighting
  4. Do three takes, first take is a direct recitation of the script, but as the takes go on, let the video become what it wants to become

Or just do step 4 and call it a day. You don’t need a script, you don’t need a plan.

I wonder a lot sometimes on when I should make a video and when I should just restart (like in art). I think there is no right answer, but making a “mediocre” video is not for the artform of Youtube, it is because I am learning Youtube. Anything you want to learn will have many imperfect tries to succeed.

To Love and Lose Love 2

Byjack

I was feeling extraordinary pain in my heart because everywhere I look, everything from TV Shows to notification sounds reminded me so much of her, and I was hit by the realization I may NEVER talk or hear from her again. I may never laugh and smile at something she sent me. I may never be able to tell her something exciting from my life, may never joke around and have fun together.

It was so painful I did a “shamanic journey” meditation in order to connect with my feelings and try to grow from the deep excruciating pain that I feel from losing her. Here are the steps:

  1. Turn on shamanic drumming music
  2. Lay down and close your eyes
  3. Imagine a room in your mind’s eye
  4. Go down from the room into your heart
  5. Meet with the different parts of yourself and ask your questions

My internal landscape was all storm and hard edges. I asked, “How do I deal with this pain? How do I deal with the overwhelmingly painful feelings I feel whenever something reminds me of her? How do I even go on with my life?”

I received the answer: Many things in life I actually put on hold because she took up so much of my life. I can focus on those things. To name a few:

  • Singing – she hated that
  • Drawing – I was too busy with work and thinking about her to work on it
  • My business with my sister – Again too busy
  • Valorant – Too busy again
  • Making other friends – I didn’t care about anyone else

Then I was filled with despair. “What if I forget her? I loved her with all my heart and cherish so many happy memories that I’m not ready to let go of yet.”

I received the answer: There are still many, many things that remind me of her, and all of our happy memories. She will always be with me in a way. I can always turn to those things to remind me of her even if it is painful.

To Love and Lose Love

Byjack

A dear friend of mine who I was deeply in love with just cut ties with me. And I’m surprisingly calm.

Part of it is because I don’t think there is much left unsaid or anything I really regret about the whole friendship/relationship we had. I loved so many things about her. The way she made jokes, the sound of her voice, the patience and love she showed me at my worst. I will never forget that and I think she’s changed my life in ways she probably doesn’t even know.

I only wish she felt safe enough, trusted me enough, to tell me about how she truly felt. The worries, the emotions, the anger she was going through, I wish she trusted me enough to be open about it – so I could be as loving as she was for me and be closer today for it. In the end, she gave up on me – just like I had almost given up on her earlier in the friendship.

There are two things that still make me feel like someone is ripping apart my heart with a fork:

  • The fear that I wasn’t ever really special to her. That maybe she will turn around and say and do all of the things she said and did for me to the next person down the line. Maybe she has already found that next person. Maybe that is why she left. This hurts me somewhere so deep it’s hard for me to face fully.
  • The hope that she will come back. Hope is pure torture. I’m afraid it will drive me mad if I dwell on it too long.

There are more steps of grief, more growing I will need to do. But this is how I feel right now.

Deep Reflections Late At Night

Byjack

I was in a men’s support group tonight and I was mulling over some of the recent discoveries I had:

  • I realized that the right person in your life will be someone who will accept everything about you. Someone who isn’t like that may just not be right for you.
  • I usually walk away at the first sign I feel someone doesn’t understand me. I learned not to give up so quickly if it’s someone I love. If they care about you, they will try to understand. It may take some time, but they will. 
  • I realized I have a very deep-seated hatred of women that is shoved down so deep I didn’t know it existed. I feel this has affected my life in profound ways and I want to explore this deeper and understand why.
  • I realized that the way I work myself to death isn’t healthy and I need to find a better way.

I chose to explore the last realization – how I approach work. Through the discussion and coaching, I realized the following:

  • I feel deep shame for asking for help because I feel like this means I’m not good enough and disorganized.
  • I think of everything in terms of lone wolfing everything  – when in fact I work on a team. The work I do benefits the company I work for, my colleagues and my customers (as I believe in the product).
    • There is no shame in asking for help.
    • In the past, when I used to troubleshoot customer issues, I would work until 4 am in the morning and not feel like it is work because I know who it is for, and how  I am helping them (I felt good about it).

I resolve going forward, that every time I get overwhelmed and feel the urge to procrastinate I’ll do the following:

    1. Ask myself who I am helping
      • Myself for the money and experience I will gain
      • My family, and friends because of the money and time, and experience I can share with them if I succeed at my work
      • My colleagues for how my work will benefit their lives and careers
      • My customers for whom my work will transform their businesses and their personal careers.
    2. Focus on doing the work to help them (not just to get it done).
      • I will never forget the story of the teacher who said the moment that teaching transformed for them was the moment that they stopped trying to teach, and focused on helping their students learn. This feels like that moment to me.

I need to be kinder to myself. To enjoy my life when I’m tired and my body is hurting. I should eat out, take breaks, watch tv. There is no shame in asking for help. I’m on a team. Most of all, I should focus on how my work will help others not just myself.

Core Beliefs 1

Byjack

Today I got into an argument with someone who is very close to my heart. Thinking about the argument later makes me think about what is painful about the relationship in general and the core wounds that it brings up.

Core wounds are damaging beliefs that we have about ourselves that we repeatedly look for evidence for (and traumatize ourselves constantly with). 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches us that core wounds can be reprogrammed by finding evidence to the contrary. Thais Gibson recommends doing this for at least 21 days for the new beliefs to set in.

This is day one for me.

Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)

Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):

  • A girl in college who was very beautiful who I liked blushed every time I talked to her and liked me back. She was mean to other guys who showed interest.
  • When I was being myself and feeling confident recently, lots of women from girls on the plane, on the trail, at rental properties all seemed really eager to talk to me and help me. I’ve been told I have really good energy.
  • A girl that I love told me she likes the way I look, likes my thin frame and my hands.
  • A girl in high school once had a crush on me after flirting with her once. I might have made an impression on her.
  • A girl who I met playing a mobile game with, added me on her Snapchat and would talk to me for hours, there must have been a reason.

This is a really strong core wound for me. I often compare myself to others and feel like I’m less attractive. I feel that no one really likes me.

Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away

Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):

  • A lot of my art tends to come from my emotions and feelings and lots of people like them
  • Because of my emotions, I tend to be more honest, open and empathetic in support groups
  • I tend to connect with a lot of women by emotions. It’s why I like to have girls as friends and a lot of girls like me.
  • Emotions make me experience things more deeply, like when I cry watching Moana.
  • My emotions help me read other people much better because I can feel what they are feeling.

I always feel, especially with some people, that my emotions are too much and push people away. I worry people like hard and cold unemotional guys since they are stronger and don’t need anything. I also sometimes want to be strong and dominant and I don’t know how to reconcile that with emotions.

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Valorant 26: Back to Basics

Byjack

So I’ve been stuck in Silver 3 forever after the rank reset and it seems that I need to do a second climb to Plat again. Perhaps I just need to relearn the basics better.

So there is a peeking guide by Noted that I’ve been trying to apply for the longest time and I think I finally understand a good mentality and visualization that can make the peeks good. It is interesting because I’ve been feeling so down about Valorant recently but I always tell myself that the lower elo I go, the more freedom I have to innovate, and innovation is definitely the thing I like to do.

So here is Noted’s peeking guide:

He talks in the peeking guide that its just something you “get used to”. But I wanted to find a way to break it down do that anyone could learn it and that you would never overpeak and angle even if you are not far away enough. This idea of drawing a line to the contested “fighting area” allows for a simple visualisation that will ensure you don’t overpeak, and to do noted’s peek, you simply have to think about drawing a longer line.

I demonstrate it here:

Another note, the best way to peak safely with this method is to have the “line” end close to the edge of the wall, allowing you to peek back in if you miss your shot.

The next piece I might need to refine is just counter strafing because that still isn’t that solid for me, especially for moving targets that I need to constantly adjust for. The initial research into this yields that miyagi-do/looking at distance between crosshair and head is the best solution so far. Results have been good, but it hurts my wrist. I am experimenting with a looser grip and using more of the arm to aim.

Here is a good video on it: