Snuggles
Snuggles
I snuggle next to my little sloth
Her bright eyes shining at me
Laughter across her face
I feel the soft warmth of her
All around me when I kiss her cheek
She smells good
It’s nice to be held in her arms
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Cardioid Dreams
Byjack
Cardioid Dreams
The is one thing
That keeps me from showing everything to her
The true me
All the parts I hide from other people
Is the part of me
I’ve tried to reject
To hide inside
To ignore
She says it makes her want to throw up
That some things are better hidden
And I worry
If she knows
How I dream of her warm skin touching mine
Of raw passion like a hunger
That can’t be satisfied
Until there is nothing
Between us
Not even air
I can’t tell
Where her body ends and mine begins
Our hearts like
Two djembe drums
Under a desert sand
Beating in our veins
Our breath
Like the sound of trees
Swaying in the wind
I don’t want to hide
But if she knows
Will she would see me anew
A monster
And would her love flicker and go out
Extinguished by disgust
I Only Felt That Way Once
Byjack
I Only Felt That Way Once
In the tiktok video
She was aggressively stating “shoulds”
The enemy of “is”
But one stood out to me
If you fall in love, you’re partner is the most beautiful one in the world to you
But I only felt that once
I used to think that meant I was in love
But I wonder
Was that love
Or just the honeymoon phase when you see
All the things you want to see
Yet there was a magic there I miss
Of not feeling anxious for a single moment
And I wonder what it would be like to feel like that
Maybe I will feel it when I fully embrace the anxiety
Feeling of frustration
Of shame
I don’t know
I just feel
Doubt
My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard
Byjack
My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard
As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams
I was so caught up in listening to his objections
And explaining to him how it would be successful
I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive
I forget to tell it to him in a way
That he wouldn’t respond with judgement
And disgust
As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap
Not the energy
That created the great figures
He admires so much
Profit in Peace 25: Traveling
Byjack
I’m now on the road and I feel absolutely exhausted. Tired from the travel to Austin, tired from not sleeping well, tired from getting up early today, and not sleeping well again.
I really want to just sleep and sleep for a long time.
Other than sleeping, I want to focus on taking care of myself, this means sparing no expense, and getting myself what I need when I need it.
This means fulfilling my needs through my values of Health, Freedom, Honesty, Respect, Empathy, and Ambition. This means using connection theory on myself.
The Gravel Road
My body feels like a gravel road
Worn and crunchy and bumpy
My eyes hurt
My energy spent
Tired
Yet scratchy throat
Sore knees
The Cavern Inside My Heart
Byjack
The Cavern Inside My Heart
I think I love her more now
I think about her
And I feel warm inside
But when I ask for the things I need
And they are met with derisive laughter
Blame
And defiance
I feel angry
That the girl
I knew was the one for me
Is gone
And left a girl who only knows about fairness
When a relationship isn’t about
Counting things
But about giving
Feeling safe
Listening
Talking on the phone
Holding hands
Being intimate
A relationship is about risk
Not about playing it safe
And my rage like a burning wildfire
Sweeps towards her friend
All that they broke together
And she takes the ruined pieces and proclaims
I am responsible
Dares to deny me
What I want
My love for her burns equally bright
And smells of rosewater
Whispered promises at night
The trust we created
How I imagine it feels to cuddle with her
Under the blankets
I miss her
Like a great big hole has opened in my chest
And I cannot close it
Because no matter how many times I ask
There is another thing
Another game
Another reason
Why she cannot call
I feel abandoned
And I don’t want to be alone
But I feel guilt when I talk to other women
I don’t want them
I only want her
If only
She would offer herself to me
Fully
Poem Draft and Other Thoughts
Byjack
Moth Dust
I had a dream she messaged me
All caps and smiling letters
Like old times
When I was a boy
My friend showed me a bush
Full of moths
He grabbed one and showed me the dust that came off its wings
I wondered
If the moth
Like me
Felt something missing
Besides the poem, I also came up with a HUGE epiphany that suddenly makes everything clear. I realized that the main reason I’m so upset is that something that I thought was a friendship was much closer to a relationship than I would admit. The cycle I’m dealing with is less of a troubled friendship but rather a single>relationship>breakup>single cycle instead.
In order to move on, I need to start thinking like someone who is single who is getting over a breakup. It’s a bit embarrassing we weren’t actually in a relationship, but who cares about stupid commitments and labels. The feelings I had were far beyond friendship and the fact that they were reciprocated made it something more.
This also gives me insight into how I behave in a relationship, I’ll break it up into two categories, single mindset and relationship mindset.
My Mindset When Single
- Focus on being myself and doing things that make me happy
- Want to meet new friends and lovers who can accept me for exactly who I am
- Not afraid to open up to people because I welcome rejection (so the people who remain I feel 100% comfortable and supported around)
- Freedom is what I’m searching for
My Mindset When in a “Relationship”
- Focus on exploring and deepening the connection between us
- Not interested in meeting anyone new, feels like too much work
- Especially not interested in talking to romantic interests because I find it hard to imagine they will be able to accept how much I love someone else (feels like I can’t open up about a huge part of my life)
- Love is what I’m searching for
Everything makes sense now – the feeling that I have to “find myself” and get time alone was basically my understanding (at the time) of reconnecting with my single person mindset, asking her to “pull me back” was my plea at asking her to go back to our pseudo-relationship. I had a strong feeling that I needed to just process my loss of what we had instead of trying to “fix” things and now I know why. We are basically not on the same page anymore and any semblance of a relationship is gone. In fact, it’s been slipping away for some time now.
Once I am able to fully process this “breakup” I can fully reconnect as a single person.
Side thought: I think I’m probably a monogamist from this experience. I can only hold strong feelings for one person at a time.