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Poem Draft and Other Thoughts

Byjack
Moth Dust

I had a dream she messaged me
All caps and smiling letters
Like old times
When I was a boy
My friend showed me a bush
Full of moths
He grabbed one and showed me the dust that came off its wings
I wondered
If the moth
Like me
Felt something missing

 

Besides the poem, I also came up with a HUGE epiphany that suddenly makes everything clear. I realized that the main reason I’m so upset is that something that I thought was a friendship was much closer to a relationship than I would admit. The cycle I’m dealing with is less of a troubled friendship but rather a single>relationship>breakup>single cycle instead.

In order to move on, I need to start thinking like someone who is single who is getting over a breakup. It’s a bit embarrassing we weren’t actually in a relationship, but who cares about stupid commitments and labels. The feelings I had were far beyond friendship and the fact that they were reciprocated made it something more.

This also gives me insight into how I behave in a relationship, I’ll break it up into two categories, single mindset and relationship mindset.

My Mindset When Single
  1. Focus on being myself and doing things that make me happy
  2. Want to meet new friends and lovers who can accept me for exactly who I am
  3. Not afraid to open up to people because I welcome rejection (so the people who remain I feel 100% comfortable and supported around)
  4. Freedom is what I’m searching for
My Mindset When in a “Relationship”
  1. Focus on exploring and deepening the connection between us
  2. Not interested in meeting anyone new, feels like too much work
  3. Especially not interested in talking to romantic interests because I find it hard to imagine they will be able to accept how much I love someone else (feels like I can’t open up about a huge part of my life)
  4. Love is what I’m searching for

Everything makes sense now – the feeling that I have to “find myself” and get time alone was basically my understanding (at the time) of reconnecting with my single person mindset, asking her to “pull me back” was my plea at asking her to go back to our pseudo-relationship. I had a strong feeling that I needed to just process my loss of what we had instead of trying to “fix” things and now I know why. We are basically not on the same page anymore and any semblance of a relationship is gone. In fact, it’s been slipping away for some time now.

Once I am able to fully process this “breakup” I can fully reconnect as a single person.

Side thought: I think I’m probably a monogamist from this experience. I can only hold strong feelings for one person at a time.

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Poem Draft: Peanut Butter Diamonds

Byjack
Peanut Butter Diamonds

They say that even peanut butter turns to diamonds when you crush it hard enough

peanut butter

spread onto the sandwiches in a million homes

by the knives of moms in aprons every morning

turned rare and special

under the treads of an iron industrial tractor

 

the ones I found

took the shape of words of a girl

laughing, crying, and clinging on to me

like the warm reflection of faraway lands

in the morning dew

 

I let myself fall in

and it was like the sigh of the ocean

the freedom of running as hard as you can

before your lungs remember they need air

but then

 

it slipped away away

and trying to catch it

I wondered

if those diamonds fall back

to peanut butter

when the tractor moves on

 

This poem is about mourning the loss of who someone was and celebrating all the magic they brought to your life before learning to accept them for who they have become. It is my first iteration.