I’m trying to clean as fast as I can
I wonder what feeling I’m running from
When I look at the art supplied filling the closet
That I slept in last night
I feel like I want to cry
My heart hurts
Is there a point to setting up
My own place
If I have no one to share it with
I miss
Feeling safe
Everything just feels
So empty
Just like me
It is extremely hard to be yourself all the time. There will always be things that you want to avoid, that you are afraid of. Specifically, things that you don’t like about yourself.
Control gives the illusion of happiness. The fear of loss of control is like all fear and uncomfortable feelings. It is not something that needs a solution or be avoided. You don’t solve the lack of control by being more controlling. You don’t solve fear by avoiding your fear.
Emotions are meant to be reacted to, and the solution is meant to come to you, not something to be forced into existence. The most healthy way to process painful emotions is through physicality, expression and meditation:
I used to write that you should follow what you feel. Sometimes, you don’t KNOW how you feel. That’s ok. Clarity is about patience. The patience to wait for the answers to come, to be able to sit in the pain for long enough to see the truth.
And at the end of the day, clarity will bring an understanding of not just how we feel, why we feel it, but what we truly want. That is truly being ourselves, following what we want in the moment. Embracing that is the key to true happiness, confidence, and feeling truly alive.
Last night I tried to go to Judo Club for the first time but they were closed for Thanksgiving.
The thing that I wanted to understand the most is why I have this feeling every time I want to leave my house, that I don’t want to go. I always want to live a life of adventure but I’m beginning to suspect that is because I never leave.
So let me try to break it down. The thoughts that come to my head when I think about venturing out:
And these types of thoughts are also pervasive when I think about doing anything. Shopping, trying to make friends, or eating out. I don’t want to do anything.
I want someone that I know who is also game, but at the same time I don’t want to bring the wrong person who I don’t trust or feel safe around.
It does help to have my audiobook so at least when I drive I can get some escape into a cool and interesting world.
I think I feel very alone in this world. I think I now understand why I always push my gf to be more ambitious or wish that she was. It’s because then I would feel less alone.
But there is a good reason for going outside and experiencing life. I always want to feel anything is possible, to feel alive and connected to the world. To take risks and grow as a person. I suppose the counter to that is just feeling that the world feels too unsafe and like it will not understand me or give me what I need. At home, I have my games and friends and it feels nice and comforting.
Audiobooks are almost a way for me to self-soothe outside my house.
In a way, youtube and social media make sense too. It is like having a friend who you can tell things to when you feel alone outside filming or going on adventures.
I want to accept my loneliness. The first thing that comes to my mind is to turn my loneliness into art.
As I slowly process, I start to think about how I can slowly start branching out by staying in my apartment complex but leaving my actual apartment.
I understand why people find solace in religion. I really feel that I need a group of people who are seeking to do the same thing as me. To do things in life. To have the same values and philosophies. Not just share the same favorite TV shows. I have a friend who is Christian and I envy his options in having those deep connections. It just doesn’t feel right to me, because I don’t believe in that faith.
I am almost seeking spirituality.
That is an interesting statement. I’ve always felt that was the thing that was missing from my life. I have career success, success in money and even love. It is spirituality that I’ve never embraced because I felt nothing from a lot of the types of spirituality proposed to me.
Two more things occur to me now.
First, is that I recently borrowed a book called Man’s Search for Meaning By Viktor Frankl and I will read it. It is actually funny that this book was available for me to borrow at this time (I had to put it on hold since there were no available copies when I first checked) because it is supposed to be the best book for my EXACT problem. Spirituality. Meaning. Purpose. It was written by a Holocaust survivor.
The second thing that occurs to me is that I used to do a lot of work to change the world. It’s been a long time since I have done that sort of thing, but I think it really gave me something of what I need right now. I think that’s why I love coaching so much. It fills many needs, but one of the needs is for doing something that is changing the world for the better.
That’s it for now I suppose. I will go read that book now (or listen to it, since I got the audiobook version).
I completed my knee challenge in terms of going hiking in Zion national park. I felt like I succeeded in a big way but still have a long way to go in terms of getting where I need to go.
What is next for me? I know in the long term, I want to be very physically active. I want to be able to practice martial arts, do a little parkour and gymnastics. I know it will take a lot of effort and time to get there and it feels quite overwhelming for me.
I’m going to set a few large goals and then look at some of the very short term goals getting there.
2 year goal – the ability to practice martial arts, parkour gymnastics and skiing. My goal isn’t to go too hard in any of these areas, just to be able to do them safely.
1 year goal – to get back to preinjury levels
1 month goal – be able to sleep, walk, stand and light exercise with zero discomfort. I will call this goal little freedom.
I don’t really know what the next step in my process is. It feels too soon to set a schedule yet.
I just want to slowly rest and explore for now.
My feelings are that challenge videos make for really good productivity but I need to slow down sometimes and feel the feelings.
Maybe I will write a poem:
Creaky Knees
When I bend my knee
It feels like I’m grinding
Hinges made of old stone
Like the kind in movies
That open secret magical passages
And grate against themselves
I say that I want to be able to do martial arts again
But the truth is
I don’t know what I want
I am afraid to dream again
Of a world where I can be active
I’m so used to being scared
Of clutching my knee close
So as not to hurt it
I feel like I’m too old to have these dreams anymore
Of flying
Like I did when I wanted to learn parkour
Everything scares me
I feel that
I need to understand this part of myself first
Listen to what it wants to say
“Everything is a danger”
It tells me
The protector of my knee
Of my body
It feels safe to not move at all
Like A Dried Pizza
There is a dried pizza on my table
The last piece that I didn’t eat yesterday
It’s dry and cold
I feel I know what the pizza feels like
Last night
I didn’t sleep
All night
Tossing turning
Hoping the audiobook was loud enough
To tune out my thoughts
I felt so sure
In my stomach
That this was the end of the road for us
She isn’t the right one for me
I don’t know how I knew
But I knew it was over
I asked her to reassure me
And I felt her warmth
Like a blanket for a shivering man
I love her so much
I think about how vulnerable she is with me
I know she’s ready to stay with me forever
You don’t meet someone like that every day
The sadness in me
For once isn’t about comparison
It isn’t about comparing her with someone else
It’s just telling me
I can’t be with her any longer
I can’t keep up this act
I feel tired
So tired of explaining myself
Of feeling misunderstood
Yet
I don’t know
Her devotion feels like the cure for all pain
What is a drop of discomfort
For a lifetime of love?
I got to a strange new place today
On the stop right after Heartbreak Hotel
Where I abandoned the dream girl
Who looked at me with soft eyes
In this strange new place
I found a place for the desire to blossom
To bloom without restraint
But the voice it spoke in
Didn’t need to be sexy and alluring
But a steady voice
They spoke of kindness and safety
A soft expression of that flamboyant love
The one the understood
That pain was part of the cage
Pain too hard too dark
For the mind to see any desire
As an invitation to an adventure
Rather than a prison
Of violence and terror
So hopeless
It cannot be faced
What a strange new place
Where the shamed can be accepted
Silently
Quietly
Letting themselves come to the surface in new ways
Passion as unwavering supportiveness
Fantasy as easygoing humor and happiness
This poem is about realizing that sexual love can be beautiful, adventurous, and happy. It doesn’t need to be suppressed. Yet it also can feel the pain of trauma, and be expressed as deep caring and supportiveness. It’s a strange new place because I cannot wrap my head around how it works even though it feels right and true.
As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams
I was so caught up in listening to his objections
And explaining to him how it would be successful
I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive
I forget to tell it to him in a way
That he wouldn’t respond with judgement
And disgust
As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap
Not the energy
That created the great figures
He admires so much