I’m trying to clean as fast as I can
I wonder what feeling I’m running from
When I look at the art supplied filling the closet
That I slept in last night
I feel like I want to cry
My heart hurts
Is there a point to setting up
My own place
If I have no one to share it with
I miss
Feeling safe
Everything just feels
So empty
Just like me
I want to be able to face my pain. And there are a couple of questions I want to ask myself.
How am I feeling?
I feel really sad and heartbroken and lonely. I feel so much pain in my chest. I am angry and frustrated and depressed.
How can I be kinder to myself?
I need to give myself permission to ask for help from people. I need to ask people to distract me, to comfort me, and listen and understand why I loved her so much. I can try to forgive myself for hurting her.
Can I forgive her?
I don’t want to. I’m scared when I do, I will completely let her go. I will give up hope and move on. I want to think about how she can fix it. I want to blame her. I know she’s so loving and she didn’t want to be the person she was. She has a kind heart deep inside and really emotional and passionate.
Can I forgive myself?
It makes me really sad. I know I hurt her a lot, and keep hurting her over and over because of my ego. I feel ashamed that I need so much from her and keep asking her to give me more. I suppose I’ve been through a lot too. I had so much painful things happen in my life and it’s closed me off. I was more open to her than anyone else. I deserve to be happy too. I deserve to put my needs first too.
What do I need from her?
I need for her to tell me everything is ok. I need for her to tell me she loves me. I need for her to give me hope again that we will have a beautiful loving bond where I will have everything I need.
Can I give myself that?
It’s hard for sure. I don’t think everything will be ok. I don’t love myself either. And I don’t feel hope.
I’ll write a poem to try to do all those things for myself:
When I met the first girl I was in love with
I was so much younger
Full hope and promise
And when it ended
I didn’t think I would ever recover
And I didn’t
Not for the next 8 years
And when I was open again
I met another girl
One who I can’t even express
How much I loved
So much
I’m crying right now
Thinking about it
Now it’s over
For the moment
But life moves on
Just like it did last time
It is extremely hard to be yourself all the time. There will always be things that you want to avoid, that you are afraid of. Specifically, things that you don’t like about yourself.
Control gives the illusion of happiness. The fear of loss of control is like all fear and uncomfortable feelings. It is not something that needs a solution or be avoided. You don’t solve the lack of control by being more controlling. You don’t solve fear by avoiding your fear.
Emotions are meant to be reacted to, and the solution is meant to come to you, not something to be forced into existence. The most healthy way to process painful emotions is through physicality, expression and meditation:
I used to write that you should follow what you feel. Sometimes, you don’t KNOW how you feel. That’s ok. Clarity is about patience. The patience to wait for the answers to come, to be able to sit in the pain for long enough to see the truth.
And at the end of the day, clarity will bring an understanding of not just how we feel, why we feel it, but what we truly want. That is truly being ourselves, following what we want in the moment. Embracing that is the key to true happiness, confidence, and feeling truly alive.
There was a big journey I went down in terms of working on myself, becoming more mature and being able to live a free and meaningful life.
But I realized that they are all part of the same things and have different parts to play.
In a way, everything is about not abandoning yourself and taking care of yourself. You surround yourself with people who you can talk about what is on your mind truthfully and emotionally. They help you understand what you need. You are able to then give yourself what you need and walk down further along the path of understanding different parts of yourself that are in pain.
From processing emotions, we can truly love ourselves, and the people around us, and be present in the moment.
There is a sense that being with people who don’t accept us, don’t allow us to feel safe speaking our truth is self abandoment. In a way, even if someone meets some of our needs (for example is attractive enough to make us feel special), if we settle for someone who doesn’t love us or allow us to be ourselves, we are putting ourselves down.
Not allowing ourselves to meet our own needs (for example, asking for validation from others because we refuse to give it to ourselves) is self abandonment.
Refusing to look deeper, and shielding parts of ourselves from the world (for example, keeping a confident outward appearance when we feel anxious) is abandoning parts of ourselves and placing the outside world’s comfort above our own.
Ice fills my heart
When I think of the darkest night
Darkness
Drunk confusion
Was it worth it
To take the soft girl
And break her soul
That night
Leave her
Exposed
Vignette on the bed like a polaroid
Did you grin and smile
Lamplight on your face
On the parking lot
Beer in hand
While your friends
Moved on to the next party
In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.
The is one thing
That keeps me from showing everything to her
The true me
All the parts I hide from other people
Is the part of me
I’ve tried to reject
To hide inside
To ignore
She says it makes her want to throw up
That some things are better hidden
And I worry
If she knows
How I dream of her warm skin touching mine
Of raw passion like a hunger
That can’t be satisfied
Until there is nothing
Between us
Not even air
I can’t tell
Where her body ends and mine begins
Our hearts like
Two djembe drums
Under a desert sand
Beating in our veins
Our breath
Like the sound of trees
Swaying in the wind
I don’t want to hide
But if she knows
Will she would see me anew
A monster
And would her love flicker and go out
Extinguished by disgust
Ok, I decided something weird that I’m not sure is going to work yet.
I decided that I’m going to keep this challenge going on forever and we will have different objective driving it constantly. It will be a sort of daily journal where I get to focus on Profit in Peace, finding my ikigai, tapping into my coaching energy, feeling into my body, working on my challenges, and discovering that the world is a magical place.
It will continue to be labeled like the other challenges, but it is different in the sense that it doesn’t have a specific end date. The end date might be just when this mentality, thinking of this as a Profit in Peace no longer serves me. Which might be never.
You know in a way this should be called Blog Post. Because it is the most blog post of blog posts. The sole purpose of these posts is literally to work on my life through my blog. But “Blog Post” just doesn’t evoke what I need for it to evoke, so we ain’t doing it.
So what is the focus for today?
Today we have a similar bent to yesterday but a little more focused on gaming. In no particular order, I want to:
Yesterday, I went for a short run.
Here is a poem about it:
Tingling in My Back
That’s the feeling when I push myself
My knees not ready for the impact
I want to massage my stomach and back
I’m aware of others watching
I wonder if Alice would be embarrassed of me
I want people to like me
Especially the girls
I think about how I learned to control what other’s thought of me
And that’s when everything went to a place
Shaky and scary
I remind myself
What others feel
Is out of my control
I’m proud of my innovative knee exercises
They make my prickly knees
Feel warm and supple again
I just came back from my most recent run. Today I focused on processing the anxiety being surrounded by everyone’s opinions of me. I realized a couple of things.
Dr Bea Mackay
She told me an exercise
The same one
Every session
Breath in breath out
I realized
It isn’t about other people
They never mattered
Neither did their opinions
I’m them
As a trigger for my pain
The sharp inhale
To take the pain
The release of the exhale
Filling me with warmth
From head to toe
The point was never to win their approval
It was to feel my pain
It is so interesting how Dr. Bea Mackay’s exercises are so similar to Wim Hoff’s. And Wim Hoff’s exercises are about enduring and thriving in pain too, just his are about cold and her’s are about emotions. No wonder so many people talk about the Wim Hoff method bringing them relief from chronic anxiety.