Today I feel very exhausted and tired. I still feel struggles with going to jiujitsu and going to bed on time. I feel overwhelmed with where I’m going with my business.
Here are some of the things I learned over the past few days:
I can combine the powerful techniques of connection theory and flow theory in the following way: first use connection theory to validate and understand my feelings, then use flow theory to somatically process it. I can then use connection theory to understand deeper, better and have a more grounded explanation.
It isn’t about what you do, it is about how you show up
It’s ok to not know where you are going, but aim your northstar and measure everything at it
Today here are the things I want to achomplish:
Complete the three tasks I created for myself
Have additional time to play Valorant before jiujitsu
Spend time after jiujitsu working on my businesses
Take a nap during the day to recover from tireness
“When you look at things that are far away, muscles in your eye relax and your lens looks like a slim disc.
When you look at things that are close, muscles in your eye contract and make your lens thicker.”
So the key is to relax right? Well, yes and no. Muscles always work in groups. If certain muscles are constantly too tense, then there are certain muscles that must be weak (since if one set of muscles never relaxes, the other set must always be weak).
After researching further, I found the muscle responsible for focusing the lens of the eye. It’s called the ciliary muscle and it looks like it doesn’t actually work in pairs but is like smooth muscle tissue of the stomach.
An interesting article is here and I signed up for the guys course to see what was up.
Early this morning I parted ways with a friend and a girl who I loved deeply. While everything is fresh, I want to write everything I loved and hated about her in order to deal with the heartbreak and to understand better what I want in a girlfriend.
What I loved:
She didn’t expect anything out of me, let me do whatever I wanted, allowed me to express how I felt
Was very intelligent fast learner
Was beautiful and soft and small
Always interested in my thoughts and ideas
Had a great sense of humor
Understood me, or at least tried to understand when I explained it to her
Validated a lot of my ability to read her mind, made me feel safe
Was comforting when I was feeling unwell or insecure
Was submissive and wanted me to dominate her
Had strong opinions and a deep internal landscape
Was reasonable in our conversations, could take feedback
Was needy and made me feel loved
Was extremely emotional and passionate
What I didn’t like:
Cold and distant, like to laugh sarcastically and say hurtful things when upset
Said she wasn’t very creative and didn’t try to come up with things to talk about
Played a sum loss game and would be in denial and extremely defensive
Liked being toxic to people when they did badly or were slightly annoying
Would give up extremely easily
Defiant and stubborn, inflexible
Poor memory for happy times when she’s upset, spirals
Didn’t like singing or dance
Didn’t like trying new food
Sometimes gaslighting and in denial when it threatened her ego
Was not interested in working on herself
Overall, I felt that my needs were getting met less and less because she would never deal with any trauma that came her way, choosing to avoid things instead. I felt that she stopped being so objective and instead was really unable to listen to the truth when it hurt her ego. However, I still love her very much and hope she will at least come back and want to be friends. I do feel some relief though to be able to focus on myself and explore dating in the city. I feel very alone without her. I hope she is doing ok and will see one day that I really did love her.
So I developed a new exercise in the middle of this week, but didn’t have the time to post about it.
To summarize the exercise which I will call the weighted knee spacer:
Use ankle weights, weighted shoes, or in this case, bands to pull on foot down
Do heel raises with the other foot to elevate the weighted foot
Keep the weighted foot as level as possible
I’m thinking this exercise is really useful in any scenario where I feel the knee is getting caught or stuck, which seems to happen a lot when there is any sort of bending exercises.
What I want to work on next is getting a full bend in my right knee without pain.
So it has been a full month now and I have not stopped this challenge yet or restarted jujitsu, but I think that is ok. I want to keep this challenge going until I can actually achieve the goals set in my original goals.
As a reminder, the goals are:
Lift up my knee and bend it feeling stable, comfortable and strong. Getting there for sure!
Stand for 5 minutes while feeling comfortable. Pretty much achieved this one!
Lay on either side feeling comfortable and relaxed. I don’t lay much on either side, just on my back these days, will have to revisit.
Sit on my heels while feeling comfortable and relaxed. Not even close on this one, probably need a full range of motion bend in my knee to be comfortable first.
Be able to jump feeling stable, comfortable, and strong. Part of the way there on this one! I feel pretty stable.
Able to kick a roundhouse while feeling stable, comfortable and strong. Not there yet but an improvement from before.
Today is not the first day working on the Profit in Peace challenge, but it does FEEL like the first day I am living it.
Today is the first day when I dedicated my morning to finding my magical life. For some context of what that means:
Something that I still don’t really understand or feel comfortable with applying is the values that I believe in every day.
I think that writing honestly and focusing on myself in this blog every morning might actually hit all of these points:
Honesty – well, this blog isn’t called unfiltered for no reason! I do remind myself all the time of the “if they don’t like me please leave” mentality.
Imagination – for me, this blog is dedicated to all my imaginative parts: art, YouTube, philosophy, poetry etc.
Intuition – this is the place where doing things “my” way is celebrated and I tap into what is the best way to do something (according to my intuition) rather than how everyone else does it.
Empathy – this blog is a lot for my feelings where I process feelings through words, video, and images. It is a part of honesty too, honest emotion where this is my place to express everything imperfect.
I also like using the blog as my way of living out all my values and being the person I want to be because it really feels like I am sacrificing something to do this…in a good way.
JT Franco talks about if you aren’t willing to sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice. In the end, I had no idea whether I would sacrifice time talking to my girlfriend, going on YouTube, working, playing games, or making YouTube videos. Those are the things I spend most of my day doing anyway. But none of those things seemed right. It was too blunt on an idea, how could you sacrifice all of YouTube? How could I sacrifice all of work?
But by sacrificing my mornings, in a way, I am also sacrificing all of those things. I resist the urge to listen to audiobooks, watch YouTube videos, check messages, or work in the morning. I dedicate all my time to working on my blog and all my challenges, thoughts, ideas, and philosophies.
I also feel a deep unease and anxiety keeping pace with me this morning:
I’m Afraid I My Boss Will Check
I’m afraid my boss will check
See I’m not working
It won’t matter that I have bigger dreams
it won’t matter if I did a bunch of planning
On the weekend
Feverishly, desperately trying to
Make my workday
Productive, efficient enough
To make up
To make it easy
For me to balance
I remember the look on his face
When I told him
I like to meditate
Skeptical
And
I also wonder
If finding my magic
Will make me feel sad and lonely
Like I did yesterday
I feel tired as I
Let go of trying to change the feeling
And accept it instead
Another anxiety that I have about this challenge or this “morning commitment” is just the sense of lack of clarity. I don’t know what I should be working on, or what I can work on. I think is the pressure of time. Or maybe its because I completed all the prework for the challenge and I don’t exactly have something to work on right now. I’m afraid every action is not “right”.
Is it the right thing to:
Work on challenge videos?
Work on editing videos?
Work on reaching out?
To focus on my body?
Wow there is so much here and I feel that I may be stalling. Scared to make a decision so I’m just rambling on a super long blog post that doesn’t really say anything in particular.
Well all I know right now is I feel like doing a bit of freewriting, fantasy writing or something of that nature. So I’ll go do that.
