As I sit in the wreckage of my life
The pieces, strewn about the floor around my feet
I wonder
Has she read my messages
Does she now know
That it was all a misunderstanding
And that only by leaving
Did I finally draw out the truth
That could have prevented everything
I wonder what will happen next
And how I can stand up again
When all I want to do
Is lie on the ground
Curled up
Like a hibernating bear
Waiting for the summer
There was water in the basement today
My mom handed me a garbage bag
To throw away things
That we couldn’t wash
The saddest thing
Was a cardboard sculpture of myself
Because I knew
It was sodden and sad
Paper hair plastered on the side
Like a sad version of a bad hair day
I remembered when it was new
When my art professor told us about Chris Gilmour
The sculptor who used cardboard instead of stone
Intricate cars and motorcyles
Precisely detailed in warm brown
And gave us the assignment to create a sculpture of ourselves
But my sculpture
Wasn’t like Gilmour’s at all
It was all messy cardboard
Hot glued together
It didn’t look like me
But it felt like me
When I looked into the eyes
I remembered the way I felt
My mind was all stars and night and imagination
Some part of me
Is afraid to let it go
It’s a familiar sad feeling
Like what I felt when I let go of the girl I loved
Only
This time
The person I’m letting go of
Is the person
Who made the sculpture
Years ago
When I look at this sculpture that I made in wood and mixed media class, I remember what I felt in college. So young and full of promise. That I could be anything, do anything. That I didn’t have to think about the rest of my life. Part of me always wants to go back. And it is hard to admit that that part of my life is over.
I think about this when I wait for nighttime. It is nighttime when I will see how things are going to unfold. I hope she will show me her vulnerable side, her emotional side again. The parts of her that I knew I needed in my life when I first met her. But I know, I cannot force her to be that person for me. That there is a possibility, that she won’t. That she will be closed and I’m so sad that I may have to say goodbye to the person I was when I was in love with her.
So I’ve been thinking a lot about, well sales. This video sums it up pretty well.
I have been focusing on a lot of things recently, coaching, youtube, France and my girlfriend and on top of all of that, work and my day job in AI consulting. I recently decided to say fuck it for everything but three things:
My relationship is going pretty good, and for France I don’t want to think about it, I just do whatever I want. So let’s focus on the last thing.
I want to do exactly what Mark Cuban said. I want to be the best-performing salesman at my job. I want to take that experience to build my coaching business. I want to use my success to do consulting like I do coaching and have a lot of fun. I want to use my success to request more pay.
I want to learn how to master content creation. Build a social media presence. Build my connections. Get the reputation and respect that I’ve always felt I deserved.
The main conundrum I’ve been facing is this:
After some meditation, I came up with the following thoughts:
There are three parts of a solving a problem:
When you create free content, you are mostly some #1 and some #2. I use a lot of my current knowledge + a little research + some production (design, videography, writing).
When I get on random calls with people, it is a little #1 and a little #2. I’m using my current knowledge with no research, and trying my best to transfer it to someone on a call.
When I get on “free” high value calls with people, I’m doing some of #1 and some #2 and a tiny bit of #3. I do a lot of research, use my current knowledge, trying my best to transfer the knowledge, and might even implement a small deliverable (like a roadmap, plan, strategy, or diagnosis).
When I’m doing consulting for them, I’m doing a lot of #1 and a lot of #3 with some #2. I’m doing tons of research, using my own knowledge, leading the charge on actually solving the problem (either building it myself, finding the right solution to buy, or hiring the people needed to build it), and doing a bit of education.
When I’m selling an education solution, I am doing a lot of #1 and a lot of #2. I’m doing tons of research, and spending a lot of effort on transferring the knowledge.
Intro goal:
It is important to talk about controversial issues because controversial issues are controversial because they are important issues. I have strong opinions and will say exactly what I mean and be very direct. I am not an expert on everything. I can be wrong and you can disagree with me. I might also change my mind, this is just what I believe right now.
Outro goal:
What came up for you during this video? What is your hot take? Add to the conversation in the comments sections below. I read everything.
I Felt Relieved Sort Of
When she didn’t want to talk about it
But it hurt
Like it always hurts
When I feel
This chasm
Between us
Her on one side
Telling me
I’m anorexic
Me trying to tell her
That we cannot control others
That we need to take responsibility for our emotions
It feels like abuse
Emotional abuse
The words that’s she says
I just realized
I never thought about that before
Because I am so used to my parents doing it
To me
To each other
I feel relieved
Sort of
Because I want to think about
Her soft skin
And her warm body
So sweet and kind
I don’t want to argue
And fight
Yet
I realized today
That doubt and comparison for me
Are the symptoms of repressed unhappiness
Maybe that’s obvious
I made a video about it once
About how comparison is about having a need that is not met
How we compare ourselves with others because we feel a lack
But I didn’t want to think about what that meant for us
That we aren’t compatible
I guess I don’t believe that is true
She feels right in the light of day
Like when you wake
From a bad dream
Yet
I am reassured
To know
My doubts are there too
In the light
Normal
The other day
We played a game
It had butterflies in it
My heart felt like a butterfly then
Light in my chest
Now it feels more like the stones
I picked off the ground
Heavy
And painful
As if I swallowed it
And it got stuck
Halfway down
We joked about her being a housewife
I would like that
To put everything that stresses her out
Safety away
And the only thing she would have to worry about
Is me
My desires
And the hunger I have
Like a fire
So ravenous, it threatens to take us both
We could take care of each other
Like in the game
But life isn’t a game
It’s not enough to just don’t starve
You have to forge your path through life
Create the road you walk on
I would be happy to be her home
Her comfort
If she could just find her way to me
Today I feel very exhausted and tired. I still feel struggles with going to jiujitsu and going to bed on time. I feel overwhelmed with where I’m going with my business.
Here are some of the things I learned over the past few days:
Today here are the things I want to achomplish: