As I sit in the wreckage of my life
The pieces, strewn about the floor around my feet
I wonder
Has she read my messages
Does she now know
That it was all a misunderstanding
And that only by leaving
Did I finally draw out the truth
That could have prevented everything
I wonder what will happen next
And how I can stand up again
When all I want to do
Is lie on the ground
Curled up
Like a hibernating bear
Waiting for the summer
Last night I tried to go to Judo Club for the first time but they were closed for Thanksgiving.
The thing that I wanted to understand the most is why I have this feeling every time I want to leave my house, that I don’t want to go. I always want to live a life of adventure but I’m beginning to suspect that is because I never leave.
So let me try to break it down. The thoughts that come to my head when I think about venturing out:
And these types of thoughts are also pervasive when I think about doing anything. Shopping, trying to make friends, or eating out. I don’t want to do anything.
I want someone that I know who is also game, but at the same time I don’t want to bring the wrong person who I don’t trust or feel safe around.
It does help to have my audiobook so at least when I drive I can get some escape into a cool and interesting world.
I think I feel very alone in this world. I think I now understand why I always push my gf to be more ambitious or wish that she was. It’s because then I would feel less alone.
But there is a good reason for going outside and experiencing life. I always want to feel anything is possible, to feel alive and connected to the world. To take risks and grow as a person. I suppose the counter to that is just feeling that the world feels too unsafe and like it will not understand me or give me what I need. At home, I have my games and friends and it feels nice and comforting.
Audiobooks are almost a way for me to self-soothe outside my house.
In a way, youtube and social media make sense too. It is like having a friend who you can tell things to when you feel alone outside filming or going on adventures.
I want to accept my loneliness. The first thing that comes to my mind is to turn my loneliness into art.
As I slowly process, I start to think about how I can slowly start branching out by staying in my apartment complex but leaving my actual apartment.
I understand why people find solace in religion. I really feel that I need a group of people who are seeking to do the same thing as me. To do things in life. To have the same values and philosophies. Not just share the same favorite TV shows. I have a friend who is Christian and I envy his options in having those deep connections. It just doesn’t feel right to me, because I don’t believe in that faith.
I am almost seeking spirituality.
That is an interesting statement. I’ve always felt that was the thing that was missing from my life. I have career success, success in money and even love. It is spirituality that I’ve never embraced because I felt nothing from a lot of the types of spirituality proposed to me.
Two more things occur to me now.
First, is that I recently borrowed a book called Man’s Search for Meaning By Viktor Frankl and I will read it. It is actually funny that this book was available for me to borrow at this time (I had to put it on hold since there were no available copies when I first checked) because it is supposed to be the best book for my EXACT problem. Spirituality. Meaning. Purpose. It was written by a Holocaust survivor.
The second thing that occurs to me is that I used to do a lot of work to change the world. It’s been a long time since I have done that sort of thing, but I think it really gave me something of what I need right now. I think that’s why I love coaching so much. It fills many needs, but one of the needs is for doing something that is changing the world for the better.
That’s it for now I suppose. I will go read that book now (or listen to it, since I got the audiobook version).
They say that even peanut butter turns to diamonds when you crush it hard enough
peanut butter
spread onto the sandwiches in a million homes
by the knives of moms in aprons every morning
turned rare and special
under the treads of an iron industrial tractor
the ones I found
took the shape of words of a girl
laughing, crying, and clinging on to me
like the warm reflection of faraway lands
in the morning dew
I let myself fall in
and it was like the sigh of the ocean
the freedom of running as hard as you can
before your lungs remember they need air
but then
it slipped away away
and trying to catch it
I wondered
if those diamonds fall back
to peanut butter
when the tractor moves on
This poem is about mourning the loss of who someone was and celebrating all the magic they brought to your life before learning to accept them for who they have become. It is my first iteration.
I realized something about my structure today. I stopped making these posts. I lost my progress with going to sleep on time. I started feeling really overwhelmed and like I never had enough time to do anything, even though I have more time than ever.
What I realized that I love working. Intentional, driven, honest work. I don’t like the work where you have to ignore your feelings, your values, your morals, or your intelligence. But I love the work that is driven at improving yourself, being present, and making enough money to set you free.
I did an experiment when I stopped calling these posts “Profit in Peace” because that name comes from a program that isn’t mine, a program that had a similar premise to what I’m describing (making profit while being at peace emotionally), but it wasn’t actually about profit in peace, it was about selling things on Amazon.
So I’m trying out a new name for these posts. Workpost is my new name for my daily posts that use my blog as a working space for my ideas, businesses, personal development, and creative process.
Tired
Right now I feel tired
My stomach aches like the sour candy left on your teeth for too long
The bleariness drenching my head
Yet I seek
I seek for more
I dream of great profits
And when I wrote
Why I wanted them
“Life can be a magical place”
“And I want to live that life”
It is starting to make so much sense why I often write poems because they are such a good way to express where I am without resorting to logic.
Today I want to focus a bit on two things, AI Consulting and my art research and my art program.
For AI consulting, I want to tackle the first step of my plan which is to make a name for myself in AI.
My focus is primarily Linkedin, Facebook, and Twitter because those are probably the three main areas I will pull clients.
The aim of step one is to build up credibility amongst people that I may contact. It can be credibility with people who aren’t particularly savvy in technology so the content needs to be directed at my potential audience.
In a way, I would like the content to be a preview of what consulting will look like.
I have 10 days to do this step. Counting today that would be until the 27th of February.
Lets break it down further.
Goal: Be known, give preview of consulting
UNIT ONE (3 days): Bootstrap trial and error
UNIT TWO (3 days): Harden process
UNIT THREE (3 days): Pump out content like a machine
BONUS (1 day): Look for automation/outsourcing, try to make as low effort as possible
Switching gears to Art/Creative Coaching, the point of the first 4 months is to change the lives of my clients, and sort of start my group coaching program. I want to use this to increase my rates drastically. The end of this part will be June 18th.
Goal: Change the lives of my clients via one on one, group coaching and any other methods available to me
UNIT ONE (1 month): Take risks, experiment
UNIT TWO (1 month): Reflect on coaching sessions, meditate, innovate
UNIT THREE (1 month): Take big risks with group coaching
BONUS (1 month): Document journeys, testimonials
I haven’t quite figured out the structure for advancing in coaching. It was extremely difficult to come up with things for UNIT ONE and those aren’t even steps and subunits, they are just ideas I can try. I think it is because coaching is such an intuitive thing for me. It is hard to structure it. What I feel I almost need is another coach. Maybe I will build my bot for that and utilize Dan.
She used to message me and beg me to get on to play
I thought she needed me then
Loved spending time together
We would joke
And talk about life
Little things
These days she plays
Without me
It’s me who asks
And she reluctantly accepts
In the game, she’s all anger and frustration
She hates the game
She hates the teammates
She hates me
And she hates herself
She denied that she ever had fun with me today
Says she can’t remember the last time we played
That I annoy her
That we need to win if we play
That we just don’t work together
“I like small talk,” she says about her new friends
“We are too busy asking about favorite colors”
“For me to be mad”
I remember a time we asked each other our favorite colors
I wonder if it was less special than I thought
Or if her new friends are more special than me
Its doubt that destroys love
Not hate or anger
Doubt eating away at a foundation so strong
It promised forever
Today I worry
If I left
Would she even notice
Over the laughter
Of her new friends
This poem is about feeling like what you thought you both cherished, only you actually cherished. That there wasn’t a connection at the level that I originally thought.
If that is actually true, I don’t feel heartbroken. Only depressed. So incredibly disappointed that everything was not as special as I thought it was. It takes me back to my dark places, wondering if anyone could truly love me.
Part of me knows it’s more complicated than that. That there is still hope for us. Still hope for me.
I’ve been feeling quite down and unhappy recently.
I’ve decided after some meditation, journaling, and deep breathing that I want to focus back on the basics.
Here are the basics I already covered:
Basics I want to further incorporate:
I’ve been processing the rejections in my previous post and I wanted to write a poem:
She Stared at Me
I remember the times when they just stared at me
As if they were surprised that I would even dare to ask
The girl in art history class
In the library
On the bus
That stare
Then that feeling I was reaching
For empty air
Something that didn’t exist
The feeling of people watching
Seeing me fail
Yet now I think about it
I was quite brave
I am a brave person
Willing to take the risk
I often didn’t believe in what I was doing
When I was trying to pick up girls
But now
With my career dreams
I do
Isn’t that worth a few stares?
Don’t I get the opportunity to shock
People out of their square lives
Square thoughts
Into my world?