Matches 3: Tired

Byjack

Results from day 3 while tired and a little stressed.

Match 1

Reflections:

  1. My mind is kind of sluggish, but this way of working where I’m warming up, then taking breaks to walk is genuinely very relaxing. I don’t feel tired at all from the work.

Result Calculation:

  1. How much do I think this work is worth? I feel this work was worth less maybe $100. I feel like there were some programmer heavy tasks in here but not a huge amount was accomplished.
  2. How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? I’d say this work was middling difficulty. Maybe around a 4. It was deceptively simple in the sense that it’s very basic information added, but takes a bit of thinking.
  3. What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 5%. Not very innovative, business as usual.
  4. Gains in communication and charisma? Fair gains in communication and charisma, it is amazing to be able to show some of the information that I exposed in the data.

Match 2

Reflections:

  1. I tried to do some chess as a mental warmup, but I feel like it left me drained, perhaps next time as a mental warmup, I can try playing chess for creativity not for the win
  2. Overall I felt my energy draining in this match. I felt pretty tired.
  3. I did some extra work after the match and I feel pretty tired. I felt I needed to squeeze that extra bit out.

Result Calculation:

  1. How much do I think this work is worth? $120. It was pretty not special, some of the work I did programmatically could have been done by someone very cheap, but overall I ran tests that required a lot of deep level troubleshooting that is not easy.
  2. How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? 6-7. It was debugging which can be extremely difficult, especially for someone who doesn’t know my code.
  3. What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 5% I don’t know if anything got innovated here.
  4. Gains in communication and charisma? Good gains, gets me much closer to the final goal of presenting results.

Match 3

Reflections:

  1. Focused a lot on thinking smart not hard
  2. I noticed that taking a break is important, staying on the train of thought only makes you want to choose the easiest path, not the most intelligent
  3. Changed work time to 15 minutes
  4. Still need to let go of going fast in the warmup
  5. Like to dance on the breaks

Result Calculation:

  1. How much do I think this work is worth? $150. I was able to output results which is worth a ton, but to just hire someone to do this step, it’s probably less money. There was a lot of data and data manipulation involved as well as some troubleshooting.
  2. How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? The output file is quite complex. I give it a 7 in intellectual difficulty. Not achievable by people of lower intelligence, but easy for people of high intelligence.
  3. What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 10% Not much was innovative, the data is quite interesting though.
  4. Gains in communication and charisma? I laid the groundwork for much better result communication, I think it was great.

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Workpost 62: Processing Frustration

Byjack

“This is gonna be harsh, but you aren’t a model”

“If you’re deadset on using yourself”

“I think you’re not adding very much by being in there”

“You seem robotic”

Anger, frustration, feeling misunderstood, feeling hurt.

I feel pain and cracks in my heart like cracked glass.

I don’t think my looks matter on an ad. I don’t even think being robotic matters. I think the message is what matters the most. Also, I feel I’m plenty relaxed and attractive for the ad to work.

Processing the emotions I feel that maybe different people value looks and appearance on different levels. I value the message because I know that definitely works. Others might value looks and performance more. Some people also might be turned off by my demeanor or my appearance, but that has more to do with them than me.

I also feel the difficulty processing how I feel about myself on camera.

I don’t feel the camera captures me in the best light. I see a lot of flaws.

I feel a clenching in my heart, neck, and stomach.

I feel too skinny and small, my face too pudgy and soft looking, my nose not enough definition.

Processing it further, I understand that I’m not done growing, everyday I can work to become healthier, stronger, and more attractive. Also, I accept the way I look in the camera like I accept my art. Instead of thinking of how other people look, I want to let myself look the way I want to look. Like letting the art be what it wants to be. There is something charming and right about how I look exactly as I am, imperfect me.

I want to live a full life, and worrying about how I look on camera is not what I want. I want to spend my time and energy building my business and I KNOW I can do that with videos of myself.

The next thing I want to process is how unproductive and lethargic I feel in my apartment. I don’t even want to get out of the apartment to work.

The first thing I noticed is that the apartment is a bit hot and the oxygen feels much thinner in here. I turned up the AC, put my standing desk up to standing and drank some cold water.

There is also an emotional part of this. I feel safe here. The outside world feels unsafe with unsafe people and lots of unsafe places.

It feels like a light buzzing numbing fear in my chest and stomach.

I feel like a good cleaning of the apartment can help.

Tidying and clearing out the mental baggage.

A great thing that standing desks allow for is pacing and I’m going to take advantage of that.

It’s interesting. Being at the standing desk feels the same way as leaving the apartment feels. Less cozy and comfy. More open, free, unknown, and some low level buzz of anxiety.

It almost feels like morning vs night where night is full of comfort and imagination and mornings feel more energetic and open but devoid of magic.

It almost feels like emptiness. When emotionally processing that, I feel from space comes peace, comes inspiration.

After spending more time emotionally processing this, I have a couple idea of what I can use to reframe going outside, leaving, standing at my desk and going to the gym from empty to more meaningful:

  1. My coaching mindset:
    • You’re in my house
    • Take risks
    • Be comfortable in silence
    • Take your time
  2. Make the impossible possible
  3. Taoist productivity
    • Focus on one thing only
    • Do it until you feel empty

One more thing today, I was confused on how to work with my blog and my to do list together as they sort of fill in the same needs. They both help me get structure and work through issues.

What I decided is that I’m going to use my to do list as a mental dump and use it to organize my thoughts. If any part of those parts, I want to work through in a workspace, I will combine the necessary elements together, cross them all out and transfer to my blog to work out.

I now have 3 forms of organization:

  1. To do list – braindump and prioritization tool
  2. Blog – workspace
  3. Calendar – time planning tool, reminder for future tasks

Overlapping areas:

  1. Takeaways from prioritization or working out prioritization can be a overlap of blog and to do list
  2. Long terms tasks can be overlap from calendar and to do list
  3. Calendar event and work can be overlap between blog and calendar
  4. Large tasks can be overlap from to do list and blog

Current thoughts about order of operations:

  1. Journaling in blog
  2. To do list forming and prioritizaiton
  3. Long tasks added to calendar
  4. Add more to journal if needed
  5. Follow to do list, clumping and converting to blog as needed

Workpost 76: Feeling scattered

Byjack

I have so many things I sorta want to work on but I feel scattered. Part of the problem is that these new glasses are making me dizzy and I don’t really like them very much.

Here are some of my options:

  • Figure out how to talk to retirement homes about art coaching
  • Create art coaching website
  • Write about social anxiety and process
  • Process feelings of being a failure
  • Improve vision
  • Get better at video editing
  • Work on my art
  • Work on my music
  • Improve my bloating
  • Work on my sleep
  • Work on my digestion
  • Work on skool games

I feel lost and I just gravitate towards anything that has some level of an answer for me.

I feel that maybe there one answer to a lot of things. I strongly believe my bloating is due to stress. And while there are many ways to work on stress, I feel breathing might be one of the most powerful ways to manage stress.

If I focus on breathing, I can also focus on singing as it involves breathwork. I also believe it will make a big difference in my digestion and maybe even social anxiety.

So what if I focus on breathing for stress, bloating, anxiety, and singing. What if I make a video about it, hitting another area as well. What video format do I want to follow?

I think I’ll keep it simple, and follow Beau Miles, one of my favorites.

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Workpost 30: Refocus

Byjack

My mind feels wild

Like a disordered pair of weeds

Blowing in the wind

They seek home

Somewhere to rest their aching knots

And yet

I cannot find any purchase

The loose threads of my mind struggle

To connect into anything cohesive

Today I was feeling confused about a question:

Why do I no longer feel any motivation to do coaching? Is it because I’m scared to propose a $20,000 product? Am I scared to start a community?

And so I went for a walk. On my walk, I determined that it was because I desire to focus more than anything. Currently, I am focusing on posting for 50 days on LinkedIn and it’s taking a lot of energy. I need to be able to have fewer things on my plate.

However, when I sat down to write this journal. I realized that I’ve lost my way in these posts. I no longer do the hard work to grow and articulate how I am feeling. When I did, my poem revealed to me that I feel extremely lost and scattered in my mind. I’ve forgotten the helpful intentions I use to set myself into the mode of preparing my day:

  1. You are in my house
  2. Take your time, be patient
  3. Be ok with silence
  4. Take risks
  5. My house is a place where anything is possible
  6. Connection theory + flow theory

When I immerse myself in these intentions, I feel the distinct taste of possibility coming back to me and my world is opened wide enough to do the planning that I want to do in these posts.

Today I want to continue the work of yesterday and I want to focus on three things:

  1. AI project
  2. Linkedin post process
  3. To do list

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Workpost 12: Deep Journaling

Byjack

I was doing some deep journaling in the form of questions and answers, where I would ask all the questions I have, feel deep in my heart what answer is coming to me, and then asking more questions about those answers.

For example, I will ask myself, what do I do about the anxiety with art? The answer that I feel come up intuitively is to create art which then poses the question, what do I do with art? Then I have the answer, use art to create richness in your life.

I was doing this exercise because I realized at this point in my life, I am so confused on what will happen next and what direction I want to go for my coaching, my career, and my relationship that the best way to serve myself is to get some clarity about what I am feeling and what I want. The faster you make decisions, the faster you progress. I felt that having clarity would make it much easier to make faster decisions.

I had quite a few revelations from this exercise I wanted to note down a few of the most important ones:

  1. I will achieve what I want in the field of AI not by working with others and creating a startup but rather by involving others into my creative process. Remember the energy of anything is possible. Solve difficult problems in practical ways and help people dream again. Change the world for the better.
  2. The long distance relationship does not meet the physical needs of closeness. I will need to dance more to keep in touch with the physical. I want to use emails and video chats to keep connected with my girlfriend on a spiritual level.
  3. I’ve lost a bit of my focus with coaching where it has become too much about the client. Coaching is not just about helping people create amazing beautiful art, but also to create a space of my design. Aka a space where connection theory and flow theory rule.
  4. Use your fear of not having enough money to fuel art that creates more wealth than money can buy (not about the value of the art, but the experience about having stories, music, and paintings so beautiful I may as well be rich).

One more note I wanted to make…I had a new idea with coaching a few days ago. I always wanted to create video clips of my coaching in order to show social media, but I was thinking recently, I can create clips that can be used to share something a package that can be used to motivate my clients (clips of songs created during the session, major breakthroughs etc.)

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Workpost 18: Addicted

Byjack

I’ve been playing pokemon go so much recently. I’ve made a lot of progress in the game, but I really worry that I’m getting addicted because of how stressed out I am right now.

I stressed out about my relationship and about my career path moving forward. I want to make sure that work does not take over my life and that it stays aligned to what I want to do moving forward.

Every time I feel stressed, I reach for the pokemon go. Holy shit, I am addicted.

I feel very tired, but no longer sick. That is a good thing at least.

I’m going to walk around the airport. And this time, instead of catching pokemon, I am going to meditate and think.

On the plane I meditated on some of my issues and I came to a big realization. The first step to feeling or processing any pain is to notice and name the pain that exists. I spend so much time avoiding thinking about painful emotions or experiences, avoiding thinking about how things hurt me it makes it hard to face the pain at all since I’m not taking the first step,

I want to focus on doing that more now as the first step to processing more emotions.

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Workpost 36: Satisfied

Byjack

I feel tired today. Back is stiff. Eyes are blurry. Fatigue racks my body.

At least today, I tried to nap and relax in the morning. Will, try to continue today.

My goal is to feel satisfied enough by the end of the end so when I enforce strict bedtime at 11PM, I will feel good about it.