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Profit in Peace 22: Feeling Like Shit

Byjack

I feel like total shit. I didn’t sleep well and the back of my eyes hurt and I’m tired and bleary and a little cold. It is taking everything to not play games all day. I feel what gives me anxiety in this house isn’t just the expectations from my parents…but also the amount of stuff. There is too much stuff to feel comfortable around here. To feel calm.

I have been thinking about this idea a lot. The idea of “Whatever you feel the world is withholding from you is what you withhold from the world.”

I feel that this can help with a lot of the turmoil in my mind.

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Her Anger Like A Fire

Byjack

Her Anger Like Fire

I felt her anger like fire

Burning in my face

Searing like acid

Felt the heat of it

Within her body

But all I could think of

Was the weight of the cold stones filling my heart

While I wondered

What happens

When love

Gives up

 

I realized something today. Sometimes when you love someone so much, you can’t give them space. Love needs space to grow, absence to remind you what it is made of. Sometimes, if you really love someone, you have to let them go. Even if it means they may never come back.

Profit in Peace 4: The Method

Byjack

Main strategy: Always be present, what I feel is right

Work on using my blog to process feelings and embrace the Jack that gets rejected.

Then, for actions: use my coaching mindset

  • You’re in my house
  • Take risks
  • Don’t be afraid to be silent
  • Be patient

Mindsets that help with fear:

  • Let go of controlling things that I cannot (other people)
  • Control how I show up
  • Take up space
  • Hope that those who reject me leave so I can be free
  • Give myself permission to fail
  • I am capable of impossible
  • How do I want to do it MY way

So I ran through this exercise and here is what I worked through:

  1. What is next > Edit my video of the coaching session with my client
  2. How do I do it > Watch the video in 20-minute segments
  3. What do I do in the 20 minutes > Cut out parts my client doesn’t want to share, add my thoughts, publish to my blog
  4. What do I do after all of that > Edit the video through the syllabus method

Workpost 17: Sick

Byjack

I’ve been sick in the past two days. Not a terrible sickness thankfully. I credit that to the copious quantities of water I consumed as well as the zinc I took and the lymph node massage to clear my stuff nose. I can’t smell anything, I feel tired, and my mind feels fuzzy but other than that I’m actually doing ok.

Earlier my throat was hurting and I woke up many times in the night, but overall I slept pretty good. I’ve been self-medicating a lot by playing games, and I want to stop. I did go for a walk this morning and workout, and I feel that helps.

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Even If She Wanted Me Back

Byjack
Even If She Wanted Me Back

Even if she wanted me back

I wonder

Will it be like before

No secrets between us

No unspoken words

Or will I feel like I’m on a sinking ship

The water at my chest

Threatening to drown me

The words she used to hurt me

Only hurt

Because I trusted her enough

To expose my naked heart

I know if she asks

I will try to open my heart again

But I worry

That invisible locks

Have already formed

To protect me

And she doesn’t have the willpower

To find the keys

 

I am scared knowing that the amount of pain between us may be too much to overcome. Pain is always an invitation for growth, but how much is someone willing to grow? I worry sometimes I made a huge mistake. I did it because of the feeling that it was over already. That staying would have been just trying to push along a dream, squeeze out the last bit of real connection that we had. I felt that I had to try to give things enough space for perspective. I wonder sometimes if she even has the capability to feel the love I felt for her. Whether it was just an obsession for her, when it was love for me.

Youtube Thumbnails

Byjack

I originally thought about using the thumbnails as a way to create worlds with drawing in almost taking a children’s book approach using it to create the sort of imagination, curiousity, and creativity I always aim to create in my artwork.

On second thought I feel I need to photos for my thumnails for the most part. Creative photos that have mystery and intrigue and magic and emotion. But photos not just drawings.

I was looking at children’s book covers for inspiration and I realized that when I see a beautiful children’s book cover, I expect the inside to be filled with those beautiful illustrations.

I want the cover to be a photo to something related to what is in the video so that there people get the world that they are looking for inside the “pages” of my video. The thumbnail is like a cover for a book.

Here are some inspiration:

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Valorant 39: Mind Training (PreGame)

Byjack

Today we are going back to the Valorant Challenge but from a different perspective.

I strongly felt that the one time when I didn’t feel stressed at all, but instead felt the timings of the enemy and where they could be, and how I could systematically take them apart, I was playing Valorant at a significantly higher level.

Some thoughts for today:

  • Closing eyes to mental reset
  • Playing music to hype up
  • Breathing and letting the energy carry the action

Most of all, I will endeavor to feel out the enemy’s position and figure out how I can take the map piece by piece with util, teamwork and aim diff.

I will create another post after the game to review how that went.