I’m now on the road and I feel absolutely exhausted. Tired from the travel to Austin, tired from not sleeping well, tired from getting up early today, and not sleeping well again.
I really want to just sleep and sleep for a long time.
Other than sleeping, I want to focus on taking care of myself, this means sparing no expense, and getting myself what I need when I need it.
This means fulfilling my needs through my values of Health, Freedom, Honesty, Respect, Empathy, and Ambition. This means using connection theory on myself.
Make people understand why I’m doing what I’m doing
Make it ok for people to disagree and debate
It is important to talk about controversial issues because controversial issues are controversial because they are important issues. I have strong opinions and will say exactly what I mean and be very direct. I am not an expert on everything. I can be wrong and you can disagree with me. I might also change my mind, this is just what I believe right now.
Outro goal:
Get them thinking deeper
Get engagement
What came up for you during this video? What is your hot take? Add to the conversation in the comments sections below. I read everything.
I ran with the ideas last night, of dance and music and I can say I feel extremely sad. Something about how much I miss this part of me. I feel sad about the weight I’ve been carrying around for so long. I feel sad because sadness acknowledges the pain in the world without shying away from it.
I watched this video last night:
I remember in art there is no right or wrong way to go about something. Just like in life. I feel we forget that a lot.
For some reason, I feel the desire to write stories. Here is a space for some freewriting:
A shark was washed onto the shore. That was the day when I asked my next door neighbor Amy to marry me. We were both 12 at the time. Amy was a quiet sort of girl, not shy, just took a while to think about things before she talked. When she did, she didn’t say much.
She looked at me up and down as if she was trying to size me up.
“So what do you say Amy?”
I wonder if this is how the shark felt. He was already dead when he was on shore, but his eyes seemed to look at you as if to say…well? What’s up?
“I don’t know,” Amy finally responded. Her fingers figeting.
“You don’t know?”
“Yea.”
“That’s ok!” I said. I was 12 and I felt invincible…
I feel sad because of how much of this I repressed within my self.
In terms of work, I feel I’ve done the experiment and I can officially say to myself, working on too many things at the same time does not work towards my strengths. I think I need to focus on one focus every day. If I get to a second one, then that’s good. Also, I can have many low effort progress toward every goal, but it can’t be the main focus.
In doing one main thing, I might be able to go to bed much sooner which is something of great concern to me.
And gave us the assignment to create a sculpture of ourselves
But my sculpture
Wasn’t like Gilmour’s at all
It was all messy cardboard
Hot glued together
It didn’t look like me
But it felt like me
When I looked into the eyes
I remembered the way I felt
My mind was all stars and night and imagination
Some part of me
Is afraid to let it go
It’s a familiar sad feeling
Like what I felt when I let go of the girl I loved
Only
This time
The person I’m letting go of
Is the person
Who made the sculpture
Years ago
When I look at this sculpture that I made in wood and mixed media class, I remember what I felt in college. So young and full of promise. That I could be anything, do anything. That I didn’t have to think about the rest of my life. Part of me always wants to go back. And it is hard to admit that that part of my life is over.
I think about this when I wait for nighttime. It is nighttime when I will see how things are going to unfold. I hope she will show me her vulnerable side, her emotional side again. The parts of her that I knew I needed in my life when I first met her. But I know, I cannot force her to be that person for me. That there is a possibility, that she won’t. That she will be closed and I’m so sad that I may have to say goodbye to the person I was when I was in love with her.
She told me that I would have been ashamed to tell my family or my therapist. But it wasn’t true. It wasn’t true because I would have explained that I loved her.
I loved her when she told me that when I left she cried for so long she threw up. I knew then she must have seen something special in me just like I saw something special in her.
I loved her when she made me laugh and smile at the stupidest things. I loved her when we would banter back and forth with insults.
I loved her when she told me that I needed to tell her when I got to my hotel late in California because she was scared she would lose me.
I loved her when she sent me a playlist of songs, beautiful songs, handpicked by her.
I loved her when she tried. Even when I made her uncomfortable. Even when I was mad at her.
I loved her when she was tired and would open up about the things in her life that troubled her. Things about her family. Things about her life.
I loved her when she told me she read my blog every morning.
I loved her when I was needy. So annoyingly needy, but she was nothing but caring and reassuring.
I loved her when she would ask me why I was ignoring her, if I was driving and couldn’t respond right away.
I loved her when I came back from a meeting and would find so many messages from her, like gifts waiting to be opened.
I loved her when we used to talk on the phone for hours, and it never felt longer than a few minutes.
I loved her intelligence, her passion, her humor, her taste in music, her compassion and warmth, her emotions, her feminine side. She understood everything I said to her. Whether it was a dumb joke or my life philosophy. She had a deep emotional intelligence. She knew when she was avoiding the truth and what the truth was. She was immature at times. She gave up easily. She was self-destructive. She preferred to avoid her problems instead of dealing with them. She liked distractions. She was vindictive when she was angry. She liked to cry. She was embarrassed easily. I loved her for all of that.
She tells me now everything was a lie. What a beautiful lie to love.
I am completely confused and upset by how this girl that I play Valorant went from having so much fun to always getting annoyed and mad.
Facts that I know:
Used to beg me to play constantly, only stopped because I was too busy with work so I said no all the time
Used to laugh and think I was very funny in games
At first, was resistant to smurfing, but after she was convinced, had a ton of fun trolling on smurfs including doing frenzy only challenge
Used to be afraid to talk in voice chat, only talked to me
Spent all her time talking to me on Valorant and ignored her relationship because of how much she liked playing with me
She used to be my favorite person to play with for several months:
Was always fun and chill
Could make jokes or talk about deep stuff
Made me feel special because she only wanted to play with me
Would actually listen to strats unlike some girls who would get defensive when given any feedback
Was very smart and improved a great deal in the time we played
However, somehow, after months of having lots and lots of fun, everything has taken a dramatic turn:
Gets annoyed when she isn’t doing well and takes the game very seriously
Gets annoyed when I’m taking the game too seriously but also gets mad when I goof off
Wants everyone to be mean and toxic yet gets upset when people are toxic back
Is mad when I’m goofing off and think I’m somehow trying very hard to be funny
Claims that unrated it doesn’t matter if she wins or loses but gets mad when she loses
Claims smurfs don’t matter but somehow gets mad when she loses on a smurf
Somehow is able to have fun with other people and refuses to play with me now
Cannot seem to remember any of our happy times and insists that she never had fun
Some factors that I think may contribute:
May have been taught by someone that being slow and boring is a very bad thing, seems to be overly concerned with it and projects onto other people
May feel a really strong pressure to do well, seemed to take the game extremely seriously after her friend started playing on it
May also feel a great deal of pressure to play well and be less toxic around me because she wants it to work out, the pressure may cause her to do worse, and be even more toxic
May feel a sense of superiority or arrogance? When we first started playing, she kept telling me she was afraid I would stop playing with her because she was lower elo than me. I never did, but always wondered if she would stop playing with me if she got better than me.
Altogether I can’t really make sense of this phenomenon and it does bother me a great deal. I suppose on some level I must accept that something about Valorant and playing with me triggers her in some deep way and that I shouldn’t let that stop me from having fun. It does make me sad that things have changed so dramatically and I lost my favorite Valorant buddy.
Valorant has become significantly less fun for me now. It almost feels like work, instead of a game that I loved. There was a period of time when I was playing with her that I truly let go of the need to win and actually just had fun. I don’t know what I need to do to get that feeling back. I hope she finds a way to have fun as well, but it breaks my heart that it isn’t with me.
My eyes hurt. I feel tired. My face is numb and buzzing. I feel heat and buzzing up my back. I feel like I pulled an all niter when I haven’t.
Today is the time when we learn how to be successful while taking care of ourself.
This is the challenge that is brought before us today.
I’m going to be drinking lots and lots of water.
I plan on practicing some tai chi.
I want to focus my attention on the very specific work that I need to do, and just relax afterwards.
By relaxing I mean, refuse to look at my todolist until I feel desire to. Go to the gym, drink water, do art therapy.
P.S. One note I want to make is that I remembered the point of these posts, to help do the hard work to achieve what I want, to be the person I want to be. The stepping stones to greatness.
Make people understand why I’m doing what I’m doing
Make it ok for people to disagree and debate
It is important to talk about controversial issues because controversial issues are controversial because they are important issues. I have strong opinions and will say exactly what I mean and be very direct. I am not an expert on everything. I can be wrong and you can disagree with me. I might also change my mind, this is just what I believe right now.
Outro goal:
Get them thinking deeper
Get engagement
What came up for you during this video? What is your hot take? Add to the conversation in the comments sections below. I read everything.
I ran with the ideas last night, of dance and music and I can say I feel extremely sad. Something about how much I miss this part of me. I feel sad about the weight I’ve been carrying around for so long. I feel sad because sadness acknowledges the pain in the world without shying away from it.
I watched this video last night:
I remember in art there is no right or wrong way to go about something. Just like in life. I feel we forget that a lot.
For some reason, I feel the desire to write stories. Here is a space for some freewriting:
A shark was washed onto the shore. That was the day when I asked my next door neighbor Amy to marry me. We were both 12 at the time. Amy was a quiet sort of girl, not shy, just took a while to think about things before she talked. When she did, she didn’t say much.
She looked at me up and down as if she was trying to size me up.
“So what do you say Amy?”
I wonder if this is how the shark felt. He was already dead when he was on shore, but his eyes seemed to look at you as if to say…well? What’s up?
“I don’t know,” Amy finally responded. Her fingers figeting.
“You don’t know?”
“Yea.”
“That’s ok!” I said. I was 12 and I felt invincible…
I feel sad because of how much of this I repressed within my self.
In terms of work, I feel I’ve done the experiment and I can officially say to myself, working on too many things at the same time does not work towards my strengths. I think I need to focus on one focus every day. If I get to a second one, then that’s good. Also, I can have many low effort progress toward every goal, but it can’t be the main focus.
In doing one main thing, I might be able to go to bed much sooner which is something of great concern to me.
And gave us the assignment to create a sculpture of ourselves
But my sculpture
Wasn’t like Gilmour’s at all
It was all messy cardboard
Hot glued together
It didn’t look like me
But it felt like me
When I looked into the eyes
I remembered the way I felt
My mind was all stars and night and imagination
Some part of me
Is afraid to let it go
It’s a familiar sad feeling
Like what I felt when I let go of the girl I loved
Only
This time
The person I’m letting go of
Is the person
Who made the sculpture
Years ago
When I look at this sculpture that I made in wood and mixed media class, I remember what I felt in college. So young and full of promise. That I could be anything, do anything. That I didn’t have to think about the rest of my life. Part of me always wants to go back. And it is hard to admit that that part of my life is over.
I think about this when I wait for nighttime. It is nighttime when I will see how things are going to unfold. I hope she will show me her vulnerable side, her emotional side again. The parts of her that I knew I needed in my life when I first met her. But I know, I cannot force her to be that person for me. That there is a possibility, that she won’t. That she will be closed and I’m so sad that I may have to say goodbye to the person I was when I was in love with her.
She told me that I would have been ashamed to tell my family or my therapist. But it wasn’t true. It wasn’t true because I would have explained that I loved her.
I loved her when she told me that when I left she cried for so long she threw up. I knew then she must have seen something special in me just like I saw something special in her.
I loved her when she made me laugh and smile at the stupidest things. I loved her when we would banter back and forth with insults.
I loved her when she told me that I needed to tell her when I got to my hotel late in California because she was scared she would lose me.
I loved her when she sent me a playlist of songs, beautiful songs, handpicked by her.
I loved her when she tried. Even when I made her uncomfortable. Even when I was mad at her.
I loved her when she was tired and would open up about the things in her life that troubled her. Things about her family. Things about her life.
I loved her when she told me she read my blog every morning.
I loved her when I was needy. So annoyingly needy, but she was nothing but caring and reassuring.
I loved her when she would ask me why I was ignoring her, if I was driving and couldn’t respond right away.
I loved her when I came back from a meeting and would find so many messages from her, like gifts waiting to be opened.
I loved her when we used to talk on the phone for hours, and it never felt longer than a few minutes.
I loved her intelligence, her passion, her humor, her taste in music, her compassion and warmth, her emotions, her feminine side. She understood everything I said to her. Whether it was a dumb joke or my life philosophy. She had a deep emotional intelligence. She knew when she was avoiding the truth and what the truth was. She was immature at times. She gave up easily. She was self-destructive. She preferred to avoid her problems instead of dealing with them. She liked distractions. She was vindictive when she was angry. She liked to cry. She was embarrassed easily. I loved her for all of that.
She tells me now everything was a lie. What a beautiful lie to love.
I am completely confused and upset by how this girl that I play Valorant went from having so much fun to always getting annoyed and mad.
Facts that I know:
Used to beg me to play constantly, only stopped because I was too busy with work so I said no all the time
Used to laugh and think I was very funny in games
At first, was resistant to smurfing, but after she was convinced, had a ton of fun trolling on smurfs including doing frenzy only challenge
Used to be afraid to talk in voice chat, only talked to me
Spent all her time talking to me on Valorant and ignored her relationship because of how much she liked playing with me
She used to be my favorite person to play with for several months:
Was always fun and chill
Could make jokes or talk about deep stuff
Made me feel special because she only wanted to play with me
Would actually listen to strats unlike some girls who would get defensive when given any feedback
Was very smart and improved a great deal in the time we played
However, somehow, after months of having lots and lots of fun, everything has taken a dramatic turn:
Gets annoyed when she isn’t doing well and takes the game very seriously
Gets annoyed when I’m taking the game too seriously but also gets mad when I goof off
Wants everyone to be mean and toxic yet gets upset when people are toxic back
Is mad when I’m goofing off and think I’m somehow trying very hard to be funny
Claims that unrated it doesn’t matter if she wins or loses but gets mad when she loses
Claims smurfs don’t matter but somehow gets mad when she loses on a smurf
Somehow is able to have fun with other people and refuses to play with me now
Cannot seem to remember any of our happy times and insists that she never had fun
Some factors that I think may contribute:
May have been taught by someone that being slow and boring is a very bad thing, seems to be overly concerned with it and projects onto other people
May feel a really strong pressure to do well, seemed to take the game extremely seriously after her friend started playing on it
May also feel a great deal of pressure to play well and be less toxic around me because she wants it to work out, the pressure may cause her to do worse, and be even more toxic
May feel a sense of superiority or arrogance? When we first started playing, she kept telling me she was afraid I would stop playing with her because she was lower elo than me. I never did, but always wondered if she would stop playing with me if she got better than me.
Altogether I can’t really make sense of this phenomenon and it does bother me a great deal. I suppose on some level I must accept that something about Valorant and playing with me triggers her in some deep way and that I shouldn’t let that stop me from having fun. It does make me sad that things have changed so dramatically and I lost my favorite Valorant buddy.
Valorant has become significantly less fun for me now. It almost feels like work, instead of a game that I loved. There was a period of time when I was playing with her that I truly let go of the need to win and actually just had fun. I don’t know what I need to do to get that feeling back. I hope she finds a way to have fun as well, but it breaks my heart that it isn’t with me.
My eyes hurt. I feel tired. My face is numb and buzzing. I feel heat and buzzing up my back. I feel like I pulled an all niter when I haven’t.
Today is the time when we learn how to be successful while taking care of ourself.
This is the challenge that is brought before us today.
I’m going to be drinking lots and lots of water.
I plan on practicing some tai chi.
I want to focus my attention on the very specific work that I need to do, and just relax afterwards.
By relaxing I mean, refuse to look at my todolist until I feel desire to. Go to the gym, drink water, do art therapy.
P.S. One note I want to make is that I remembered the point of these posts, to help do the hard work to achieve what I want, to be the person I want to be. The stepping stones to greatness.
Make people understand why I’m doing what I’m doing
Make it ok for people to disagree and debate
It is important to talk about controversial issues because controversial issues are controversial because they are important issues. I have strong opinions and will say exactly what I mean and be very direct. I am not an expert on everything. I can be wrong and you can disagree with me. I might also change my mind, this is just what I believe right now.
Outro goal:
Get them thinking deeper
Get engagement
What came up for you during this video? What is your hot take? Add to the conversation in the comments sections below. I read everything.
I ran with the ideas last night, of dance and music and I can say I feel extremely sad. Something about how much I miss this part of me. I feel sad about the weight I’ve been carrying around for so long. I feel sad because sadness acknowledges the pain in the world without shying away from it.
I watched this video last night:
I remember in art there is no right or wrong way to go about something. Just like in life. I feel we forget that a lot.
For some reason, I feel the desire to write stories. Here is a space for some freewriting:
A shark was washed onto the shore. That was the day when I asked my next door neighbor Amy to marry me. We were both 12 at the time. Amy was a quiet sort of girl, not shy, just took a while to think about things before she talked. When she did, she didn’t say much.
She looked at me up and down as if she was trying to size me up.
“So what do you say Amy?”
I wonder if this is how the shark felt. He was already dead when he was on shore, but his eyes seemed to look at you as if to say…well? What’s up?
“I don’t know,” Amy finally responded. Her fingers figeting.
“You don’t know?”
“Yea.”
“That’s ok!” I said. I was 12 and I felt invincible…
I feel sad because of how much of this I repressed within my self.
In terms of work, I feel I’ve done the experiment and I can officially say to myself, working on too many things at the same time does not work towards my strengths. I think I need to focus on one focus every day. If I get to a second one, then that’s good. Also, I can have many low effort progress toward every goal, but it can’t be the main focus.
In doing one main thing, I might be able to go to bed much sooner which is something of great concern to me.
And gave us the assignment to create a sculpture of ourselves
But my sculpture
Wasn’t like Gilmour’s at all
It was all messy cardboard
Hot glued together
It didn’t look like me
But it felt like me
When I looked into the eyes
I remembered the way I felt
My mind was all stars and night and imagination
Some part of me
Is afraid to let it go
It’s a familiar sad feeling
Like what I felt when I let go of the girl I loved
Only
This time
The person I’m letting go of
Is the person
Who made the sculpture
Years ago
When I look at this sculpture that I made in wood and mixed media class, I remember what I felt in college. So young and full of promise. That I could be anything, do anything. That I didn’t have to think about the rest of my life. Part of me always wants to go back. And it is hard to admit that that part of my life is over.
I think about this when I wait for nighttime. It is nighttime when I will see how things are going to unfold. I hope she will show me her vulnerable side, her emotional side again. The parts of her that I knew I needed in my life when I first met her. But I know, I cannot force her to be that person for me. That there is a possibility, that she won’t. That she will be closed and I’m so sad that I may have to say goodbye to the person I was when I was in love with her.
She told me that I would have been ashamed to tell my family or my therapist. But it wasn’t true. It wasn’t true because I would have explained that I loved her.
I loved her when she told me that when I left she cried for so long she threw up. I knew then she must have seen something special in me just like I saw something special in her.
I loved her when she made me laugh and smile at the stupidest things. I loved her when we would banter back and forth with insults.
I loved her when she told me that I needed to tell her when I got to my hotel late in California because she was scared she would lose me.
I loved her when she sent me a playlist of songs, beautiful songs, handpicked by her.
I loved her when she tried. Even when I made her uncomfortable. Even when I was mad at her.
I loved her when she was tired and would open up about the things in her life that troubled her. Things about her family. Things about her life.
I loved her when she told me she read my blog every morning.
I loved her when I was needy. So annoyingly needy, but she was nothing but caring and reassuring.
I loved her when she would ask me why I was ignoring her, if I was driving and couldn’t respond right away.
I loved her when I came back from a meeting and would find so many messages from her, like gifts waiting to be opened.
I loved her when we used to talk on the phone for hours, and it never felt longer than a few minutes.
I loved her intelligence, her passion, her humor, her taste in music, her compassion and warmth, her emotions, her feminine side. She understood everything I said to her. Whether it was a dumb joke or my life philosophy. She had a deep emotional intelligence. She knew when she was avoiding the truth and what the truth was. She was immature at times. She gave up easily. She was self-destructive. She preferred to avoid her problems instead of dealing with them. She liked distractions. She was vindictive when she was angry. She liked to cry. She was embarrassed easily. I loved her for all of that.
She tells me now everything was a lie. What a beautiful lie to love.
I am completely confused and upset by how this girl that I play Valorant went from having so much fun to always getting annoyed and mad.
Facts that I know:
Used to beg me to play constantly, only stopped because I was too busy with work so I said no all the time
Used to laugh and think I was very funny in games
At first, was resistant to smurfing, but after she was convinced, had a ton of fun trolling on smurfs including doing frenzy only challenge
Used to be afraid to talk in voice chat, only talked to me
Spent all her time talking to me on Valorant and ignored her relationship because of how much she liked playing with me
She used to be my favorite person to play with for several months:
Was always fun and chill
Could make jokes or talk about deep stuff
Made me feel special because she only wanted to play with me
Would actually listen to strats unlike some girls who would get defensive when given any feedback
Was very smart and improved a great deal in the time we played
However, somehow, after months of having lots and lots of fun, everything has taken a dramatic turn:
Gets annoyed when she isn’t doing well and takes the game very seriously
Gets annoyed when I’m taking the game too seriously but also gets mad when I goof off
Wants everyone to be mean and toxic yet gets upset when people are toxic back
Is mad when I’m goofing off and think I’m somehow trying very hard to be funny
Claims that unrated it doesn’t matter if she wins or loses but gets mad when she loses
Claims smurfs don’t matter but somehow gets mad when she loses on a smurf
Somehow is able to have fun with other people and refuses to play with me now
Cannot seem to remember any of our happy times and insists that she never had fun
Some factors that I think may contribute:
May have been taught by someone that being slow and boring is a very bad thing, seems to be overly concerned with it and projects onto other people
May feel a really strong pressure to do well, seemed to take the game extremely seriously after her friend started playing on it
May also feel a great deal of pressure to play well and be less toxic around me because she wants it to work out, the pressure may cause her to do worse, and be even more toxic
May feel a sense of superiority or arrogance? When we first started playing, she kept telling me she was afraid I would stop playing with her because she was lower elo than me. I never did, but always wondered if she would stop playing with me if she got better than me.
Altogether I can’t really make sense of this phenomenon and it does bother me a great deal. I suppose on some level I must accept that something about Valorant and playing with me triggers her in some deep way and that I shouldn’t let that stop me from having fun. It does make me sad that things have changed so dramatically and I lost my favorite Valorant buddy.
Valorant has become significantly less fun for me now. It almost feels like work, instead of a game that I loved. There was a period of time when I was playing with her that I truly let go of the need to win and actually just had fun. I don’t know what I need to do to get that feeling back. I hope she finds a way to have fun as well, but it breaks my heart that it isn’t with me.
My eyes hurt. I feel tired. My face is numb and buzzing. I feel heat and buzzing up my back. I feel like I pulled an all niter when I haven’t.
Today is the time when we learn how to be successful while taking care of ourself.
This is the challenge that is brought before us today.
I’m going to be drinking lots and lots of water.
I plan on practicing some tai chi.
I want to focus my attention on the very specific work that I need to do, and just relax afterwards.
By relaxing I mean, refuse to look at my todolist until I feel desire to. Go to the gym, drink water, do art therapy.
P.S. One note I want to make is that I remembered the point of these posts, to help do the hard work to achieve what I want, to be the person I want to be. The stepping stones to greatness.