Snuggles
Snuggles
I snuggle next to my little sloth
Her bright eyes shining at me
Laughter across her face
I feel the soft warmth of her
All around me when I kiss her cheek
She smells good
It’s nice to be held in her arms
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Core Wounds 9
Byjack
I kind of dropped the ball on these because I don’t know if I feel like challenging my core wounds, but I think I need to keep going for the 21 days at least. It is interesting because you are supposed to focus on one core wound. I don’t know which one I would focus on, but maybe if I just keep going there is one that I will want to focus on.
I was talking to a friend about how it is hard to work on yourself sometimes. What I told her is that it is sometimes scary to think about who you might change into, but I think there is another reason. Sometimes it is hard to work on yourself because in order to work on yourself you first need to look at yourself in the mirror and face who you are, and that isn’t easy to do.
I think a big core wound or belief is that there is something wrong with me, that no one will actually like me if they know who I really am, that I’m weak and creepy and unattractive.
She Said I Made Her Day
Walking up to her out of the blue
On the streets of new york city
On the college campus
They both told me
I made their day
The next girl
Will think you are the one
She told me
And when I asked the girl
Lost in her own world
In a song she just found
Whether or not she thought I was attractive
She said yes
I felt she wanted to say more
But was too shy
Sad At The Party
Byjack
Sad At The Party
I was sad at the party today
So sad, two people asked me what was wrong
It’s only because of you
That I was even willing to tell them
To let them in
I stayed until midnight
Then went to another party
Because I didn’t want to face myself alone
Face my pain, my heartbreak
How is it
That two people who love each other so much
Can’t give each other what they need
I know I did the right thing
That I set us both free from our prisons
Me from my torture, her from her cage
I gave us a way out
But I hope that way
Doesn’t lead away from each other
Forever
My friends told me that this will help me learn
That I will find someone new
But I don’t want anyone else
Even though we were not working
I only want her
Sometimes, when I feel clear
That we really did have something special
That it was real love, it just didn’t work
I feel a little peace
Before the pain comes washing back
We Played A Game
Byjack
We Played A Game
The other day
We played a game
It had butterflies in it
My heart felt like a butterfly then
Light in my chest
Now it feels more like the stones
I picked off the ground
Heavy
And painful
As if I swallowed it
And it got stuck
Halfway down
We joked about her being a housewife
I would like that
To put everything that stresses her out
Safety away
And the only thing she would have to worry about
Is me
My desires
And the hunger I have
Like a fire
So ravenous, it threatens to take us both
We could take care of each other
Like in the game
But life isn’t a game
It’s not enough to just don’t starve
You have to forge your path through life
Create the road you walk on
I would be happy to be her home
Her comfort
If she could just find her way to me
Profit in Peace 13: Peace Disrupted Again
Byjack
My peace is disrupted, again. Today I have to get up even earlier and start preparation for work even earlier because I have to travel, and get on the plane for an early morning flight.
I am frustrated because of the complete stinginess in the finances, I have a lot of stress in terms of asking for a better setup such as traveling the day beforehand.
As a result, I didn’t sleep very well (if at all), and now feel tired and stressed.
I have a couple of things working in favor today though:
- Because I woke up at 4:30 for a flight that boards at 6:40, I do have some nice free time in the morning where I can spend on myself and reconnecting with myself
- I get to do my favorite thing of sleeping on the plane
Howling Winds in My Heart
I feel the howling winds
In my heart
The internal blizzard
Unforgiving
Being buried my a mountain
Of worry
The pain of the winds
In my ears
Today I did this. I felt much better afterwards, especially after the breaths. Those are really important as I discovered with the Bea Mackay and Wim Hoff methods. Saying the “I Love You” felt strange, especially since I’ve been feeling that I don’t like my face recently, just thinking I gained too much weight, but saying them I think I did feel the anxiety go away and I feel much more at peace, less stressed about work and everything.
In fact, I feel like going back to sleep.
Workpost 30: Refocus
Byjack
My mind feels wild
Like a disordered pair of weeds
Blowing in the wind
They seek home
Somewhere to rest their aching knots
And yet
I cannot find any purchase
The loose threads of my mind struggle
To connect into anything cohesive
Today I was feeling confused about a question:
Why do I no longer feel any motivation to do coaching? Is it because I’m scared to propose a $20,000 product? Am I scared to start a community?
And so I went for a walk. On my walk, I determined that it was because I desire to focus more than anything. Currently, I am focusing on posting for 50 days on LinkedIn and it’s taking a lot of energy. I need to be able to have fewer things on my plate.
However, when I sat down to write this journal. I realized that I’ve lost my way in these posts. I no longer do the hard work to grow and articulate how I am feeling. When I did, my poem revealed to me that I feel extremely lost and scattered in my mind. I’ve forgotten the helpful intentions I use to set myself into the mode of preparing my day:
- You are in my house
- Take your time, be patient
- Be ok with silence
- Take risks
- My house is a place where anything is possible
- Connection theory + flow theory
When I immerse myself in these intentions, I feel the distinct taste of possibility coming back to me and my world is opened wide enough to do the planning that I want to do in these posts.
Today I want to continue the work of yesterday and I want to focus on three things:
- AI project
- Linkedin post process
- To do list
Her Anger Like A Fire
Byjack
Her Anger Like Fire
I felt her anger like fire
Burning in my face
Searing like acid
Felt the heat of it
Within her body
But all I could think of
Was the weight of the cold stones filling my heart
While I wondered
What happens
When love
Gives up
I realized something today. Sometimes when you love someone so much, you can’t give them space. Love needs space to grow, absence to remind you what it is made of. Sometimes, if you really love someone, you have to let them go. Even if it means they may never come back.