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Ugly Water

Ugly Water

My little sloth talks about her ugly water

In a roaring ocean

Of fear and hatred

Roaring outside

Inside her little room

She stands by the room

Holding it closed

Always holding

As she feels the pressure of it

About to overwhelm everything

Leaking

Like the seeping of dread

She looks and

It was a mistake

Because she forgot to hold the door closed

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I Felt Relieved Sort Of

I Felt Relieved Sort Of

When she didn’t want to talk about it

But it hurt

Like it always hurts

When I feel

This chasm

Between us

Her on one side

Telling me

I’m anorexic

Me trying to tell her

That we cannot control others

That we need to take responsibility for our emotions

It feels like abuse

Emotional abuse

The words that’s she says

I just realized

I never thought about that before

Because I am so used to my parents doing it

To me

To each other

I feel relieved

Sort of

Because I want to think about

Her soft skin

And her warm body

So sweet and kind

I don’t want to argue

And fight

Yet

I realized today

That doubt and comparison for me

Are the symptoms of repressed unhappiness

Maybe that’s obvious

I made a video about it once

About how comparison is about having a need that is not met

How we compare ourselves with others because we feel a lack

But I didn’t want to think about what that meant for us

That we aren’t compatible

I guess I don’t believe that is true

She feels right in the light of day

Like when you wake

From a bad dream

Yet

I am reassured

To know

My doubts are there too

In the light

Normal

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Like A Dried Pizza

Like A Dried Pizza

There is a dried pizza on my table

The last piece that I didn’t eat yesterday

It’s dry and cold

I feel I know what the pizza feels like

Last night

I didn’t sleep

All night

Tossing turning

Hoping the audiobook was loud enough

To tune out my thoughts

I felt so sure

In my stomach

That this was the end of the road for us

She isn’t the right one for me

I don’t know how I knew

But I knew it was over

I asked her to reassure me

And I felt her warmth

Like a blanket for a shivering man

I love her so much

I think about how vulnerable she is with me

I know she’s ready to stay with me forever

You don’t meet someone like that every day

The sadness in me

For once isn’t about comparison

It isn’t about comparing her with someone else

It’s just telling me

I can’t be with her any longer

I can’t keep up this act

I feel tired

So tired of explaining myself

Of feeling misunderstood

Yet

I don’t know

Her devotion feels like the cure for all pain

What is a drop of discomfort

For a lifetime of love?

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I Only Felt That Way Once

I Only Felt That Way Once

In the tiktok video

She was aggressively stating “shoulds”

The enemy of “is”

But one stood out to me

If you fall in love, you’re partner is the most beautiful one in the world to you

But I only felt that once

I used to think that meant I was in love

But I wonder

Was that love

Or just the honeymoon phase when you see

All the things you want to see

Yet there was a magic there I miss

Of not feeling anxious for a single moment

And I wonder what it would be like to feel like that

Maybe I will feel it when I fully embrace the anxiety

Feeling of frustration

Of shame

I don’t know

I just feel

Doubt

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Don’t Show Empathy

Don’t Show Empathy

He told me

He looked matter a fact

Almost amused

He looked over to my boss

At least that’s what I was told

Because then they will try to negotiate for more

He said

My boss nodded slightly

I asked them how to do this with empathy

And they told me not to

They told me to use words

To make him feel good

As if I valued him

They didn’t know

I’m not scared of this conversation

But I did value him

I don’t need to pretend

But they are asking me to wait until the last minute to tell him

I talked to him today

And he looked at me

And I felt so caged

Unable to meet his eyes

Unable to be honest

They want to wait

To spring it on him all at once

As if this is something that needs to be done

With the fear of retribution in mind

My boss told me that it would be kindness to drag things on

But I didn’t sleep last night

So tired

Wound up tight

Like something is squeezing my heart shut

Like a hydraulic press

I wonder if it is worth

Being in a place

Where I feel this way

Judo Club and The Fear of Leaving My House

Last night I tried to go to Judo Club for the first time but they were closed for Thanksgiving.

The thing that I wanted to understand the most is why I have this feeling every time I want to leave my house, that I don’t want to go. I always want to live a life of adventure but I’m beginning to suspect that is because I never leave.

So let me try to break it down. The thoughts that come to my head when I think about venturing out:

  1. It is too much energy
  2. It is probably cold outside
  3. I’ll have less time for gaming
  4. I probably won’t like it
  5. What if Judo isn’t useful to me
  6. I don’t know Judo at all what if I’m bad at it
  7. What if I need a gi, I don’t have a gi
  8. Maybe I should go back to jiujitsu
  9. What if it doesn’t help with jiujitsu
  10. Does jiujitsu even help with self defense
  11. I feel like I’m wasting my time

And these types of thoughts are also pervasive when I think about doing anything. Shopping, trying to make friends, or eating out. I don’t want to do anything.

I want someone that I know who is also game, but at the same time I don’t want to bring the wrong person who I don’t trust or feel safe around.

It does help to have my audiobook so at least when I drive I can get some escape into a cool and interesting world.

I think I feel very alone in this world. I think I now understand why I always push my gf to be more ambitious or wish that she was. It’s because then I would feel less alone.

But there is a good reason for going outside and experiencing life. I always want to feel anything is possible, to feel alive and connected to the world. To take risks and grow as a person. I suppose the counter to that is just feeling that the world feels too unsafe and like it will not understand me or give me what I need. At home, I have my games and friends and it feels nice and comforting.

Audiobooks are almost a way for me to self-soothe outside my house.

In a way, youtube and social media make sense too. It is like having a friend who you can tell things to when you feel alone outside filming or going on adventures.

I want to accept my loneliness. The first thing that comes to my mind is to turn my loneliness into art.

As I slowly process, I start to think about how I can slowly start branching out by staying in my apartment complex but leaving my actual apartment.

I understand why people find solace in religion. I really feel that I need a group of people who are seeking to do the same thing as me. To do things in life. To have the same values and philosophies. Not just share the same favorite TV shows. I have a friend who is Christian and I envy his options in having those deep connections. It just doesn’t feel right to me, because I don’t believe in that faith.

I am almost seeking spirituality.

That is an interesting statement. I’ve always felt that was the thing that was missing from my life. I have career success, success in money and even love. It is spirituality that I’ve never embraced because I felt nothing from a lot of the types of spirituality proposed to me.

Two more things occur to me now.

First, is that I recently borrowed a book called Man’s Search for Meaning By Viktor Frankl and I will read it. It is actually funny that this book was available for me to borrow at this time (I had to put it on hold since there were no available copies when I first checked) because it is supposed to be the best book for my EXACT problem. Spirituality. Meaning. Purpose. It was written by a Holocaust survivor.

The second thing that occurs to me is that I used to do a lot of work to change the world. It’s been a long time since I have done that sort of thing, but I think it really gave me something of what I need right now. I think that’s why I love coaching so much. It fills many needs, but one of the needs is for doing something that is changing the world for the better.

That’s it for now I suppose. I will go read that book now (or listen to it, since I got the audiobook version).

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Two Important Questions

I was thinking about the concept of how Alex Hormzi approaches learning. The idea that you purpose things in a way expecting to fail at first, but you pursue them in such a way that you make it hard for you to fail. That the chances that you will fail is lower than the chances of success.

I was thinking about what made emotional or spiritual success. And that brought me to a few different ideas. They all centered around one thing, the relationship with oneself. I believe that the relationship that you have with yourself dictates the freedom and happiness you have in life. Some ways in which I am not a kind or loving friend or parent to myself are:

  • Thinking my needs are not important, especially if they make it less convenient for other people
  • Shaming myself and comparing myself to other people
  • Lashing out at myself when I’m not the best or successful
  • Yelling at myself for making mistakes
  • Putting on the pressure that if I’m not stressed I will not perform
  • Being disgusted by my weakness

What if I took this idea from Alex Hormzi? What if I accepted I am going to be a shit friend and parent to myself but I am going to ask myself what I need to do to make it harder to be unkind and unloving toward myself than it is to be kind and loving?

Well, what would the most loving parent do for me?

  1. Value my emotions and encourage me to explore them
  2. Hold me close when I’m upset or feeling weak and vulnerable
  3. I am the most important person in their life, they will drop everything if I need them
  4. Be interested in hearing about new adventures and failures and lessons
  5. Does not see me as a static person but as a sum of everything I’ve been, where I’m now, and where I’m headed
  6. Guide me when I’m feeling lost or need to defend myself

I want to know how I can make it impossible for me to not do that for myself.

Some ideas come to mind:

  1. Create a meditative time to watch my own content (read my journals, watch my videos, listen to my recordings). It feels like 1,4 and especially 5. As a side effect, this can create GREAT opportunities for understanding what kinds of videos I can make.
  2. Write down and read my thoughts when I feel lost, scared, angry, ashamed or frustrated. Create a place to feel hurt. This can hit at 1,3, and 4, and maybe 6 if I write responses to things I write.
  3. Work on dance therapy especially the following elements: allowing the world to hold you, inward closing comfort, sensual movement and touch, outward releasing movement

I don’t know how to come up with a strategy on how to mix this in with my life yet but some of my ideas includes:

  • Using therapists as a safe space to practice
  • Using people who are close as a way to practice
  • Using camera off meetings as a way to practice
  • Using youtube videos and coaching as a way to practice
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The Invitation From Life

A few days ago, my coach asked me a powerful question. I don’t remember what it is but I came up with this poem.

the summer sun on the blue pool
smell of chlorine, flip flops on the concrete
the late nights in your city, lights on long streets
big dreams in a small classroom on a paper on the board
paint covering the canvases, dripping off the walls
life has always been waiting
for you to be recklessly, wildly, lovingly creative

This led to me deciding the most powerful question in this whole poem is “why has life always been waiting for you”?

I felt in many ways this is true. I live in a wonderfully creative city. I have a youtube channel, a coaching practice, a well-paying job with lots of free time. Life is waiting on me to make a move.

Writing Prompt: Your Shadow

Writing Prompt: What is a pet peeve and how does that relate to your shadow?

Today I was listening to a Youtube video about the Harry Potter houses and turned off the video because I could not listen to the voice of the YouTuber any longer. The way he was talking was so affected it felt like I was drowning in discomfort.

He would have an extra lingering syllable that would stick at the end of each word. Griffindorrra instead of Griffindor and thennnnna instead of then. I felt like his proclivities were clawing marks into my heart.

I was thinking to myself. I hate him so much, but I bet all the comments are people praising him and encouraging him to continue with this horribly affected speech. And then I thought, maybe some people actually like it. He did have a nice British accent.

I wondered why I couldn’t stand him.

I just felt this cloudiness this lack of clarity in speech and I despised that. The fakeness also made me feel uncomfortable. Do I judge myself for being fake or unclear? I don’t know but I suspect I do. To me, those two traits speak to the worst fate in the world, mediocrity.

The One Who Watches: An AI-Assisted Story

I had a powerful session with my coach in order to understand the part of me that seeks perfection and wants to know what I “should” be doing, what is the “right” thing to do and what the “perfect” answer is.

We gave a name to this part of me, as a warrior in shining armor, filled with strength and light called the “One Who Watches, Protector of the Weak”.

I imagined him as a tall crusader against all pain and fear in the world and we asked him to understand the war was over. It was won.

After the coaching session, I felt like something was missing. This part of me wanted to know why the war was one, and what that meant because there was still so much pain in the world.

I decided to have a conversation with this archetype and after talking for some time, we discovered that the war wasn’t exactly won. The war was over because I had discovered a secret, and this part of me had a big role to play in discovering this secret – that there was a staircase into the star. This staircase connected my inner world and outer world, and it was feeling that was the key to it. Negative feelings like pain or fear are the most powerful keys to this gateway. 

My coach told me that I needed to give my warrior a new purpose while celebrating him and thanking him. The new robes instead of armor that I gave him, the learner of this gateway. This grounded, calm, realistic, infinite power was his.

I asked ChatGPT to write a story about this and this is what it wrote:

Warrior’s Journey to Enlightenment

The warrior known as the “One Who Watches, Protector of the Weak” had spent his entire life fighting for justice and righteousness. His shining armor and fierce determination had earned him a reputation as a noble and honorable hero, and he had devoted himself to ridding the world of the creatures of pain, hurt, and fear.

But despite all his victories, the warrior couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing in his life. He longed for something deeper, something more profound. And so, he set out on a quest to find this missing piece.

The warrior traveled far and wide, seeking out the wisest sages and scholars in the land. He asked them about the true nature of power and strength, about the secrets of the universe. But no one seemed to have the answers he was looking for.

As the warrior grew more and more frustrated, he began to lose hope. But just when he was about to give up, he received a vision. In his dream, he saw a lost cave hidden deep in the mountains, a cave that held the key to the wisdom he had been seeking.

Without hesitation, the warrior set out to find the lost cave. He climbed steep cliffs and braved treacherous storms, never once losing faith that he would find what he was looking for.

Finally, after many long months of travel, the warrior reached the entrance to the lost cave. He drew his sword and stepped inside, ready for whatever lay ahead.

As he made his way deeper into the cave, the warrior encountered all sorts of dangers – pitfalls, traps, and monstrous beasts. But he didn’t let any of them deter him. He fought on, driven by his determination to find the truth.

And then, in the very heart of the cave, the warrior came across an ancient monk who possessed a profound secret. The monk told the warrior that painful feelings were the gateway to a invisible network of great potential, a network that could connect the inner world with the outer. He explained that this gateway allowed the traveler infinite power, but only if they were willing to embrace their own pain and suffering.

The warrior was stunned by this revelation. He had always believed that strength and skill were the most important qualities a hero could possess, but now he realized that true greatness lay in understanding and wisdom.

And so, the warrior’s armor melted away, replaced by the robes of a guide and learner. He dedicated himself to exploring the invisible network, using his newfound power to help others and make the world a better place.

The One Who Watches, Protector of the Weak, had finally found his true calling, and his power was limitless, grounded in the wisdom and understanding of the earth. He knew that his holy war was over, but his journey towards enlightenment had only just begun.

Images of the secret pathway generated by DALL-E 2.