Unsure of What I’m Doing in France

Byjack

* I wrote this on Jan 15th…gonna leave it as a journal entry for now.

I feel unhappy right now. I feel like I can’t work on the things I want to work on. I feel stressed out that my relationship won’t work out. I don’t know what I’m doing here in France. I actually very much dislike the country. I am worried that coaching is not the thing that I actually want to do. I find it hard to find myself and feel myself in this relationship. I wonder if that is because of me not knowing myself, coaching not being the thing I want to do, or if this is the wrong place for me.

Right now I don’t feel like working on coaching or thinking about coaching.

I want to work on something that is purely interesting to me and something that is actually fun.

I think that thing right now is making a story creation bot in python using large language models.

In order to write a halfway decent story, I believe you need a couple of things:

  1. Strong characters
  2. Strong plot
  3. Premise, moral or lesson
  4. Great dialog

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On The Shuttle

Byjack
On the Shuttle

Today I got into a metal box
It’s not the kind you put into the ground
But the one that takes you from gate to gate
On the airplane filled tarmac
Except today I’m not leaving for a trip
It’s not a trip
It’s a move
And while it hasn’t quite hit me yet
Maybe I’m leaving a part of myself behind
Forever
Life though
Is always more gravel than dream
More grounded and real
Made up of experiences
Not places
Or cities
Austin
North Potomac
But I’ll miss them
Myself
My old comfortable life
That I snuggled in for so long
I’m afraid to grow up
Poke my head out from under the covers

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Workpost 14: Tired

Byjack

I am worrying about a couple of things. First of all, I went to bed at 2AM again. This is becoming a pattern that I need to address ASAP.

Thinking about what I need via connection theory here is what I came up with:

  1. I need to be able to let go of not being productive during the day. It is hard, but I need to be able to say, I accept where I got to today.
  2. I need some way to process that pain and any anxiety from the day. Connection theory is telling me to yell and scream or hyperventilate.
  3. I need to get into bed at the proper time but again, like last time, I can intice myself with being able to use my phone while in bed.

Also, I feel linked to this is my anxiety around work.

My initial thought is to stop “trying” and pushing harder against a problem, rather everytime I hit an issue, write down all of the questions I have, then work out those problems outside my apartment, walking or going to the gym.

Connection theory is telling me drawing might help as well.

Overall, I feel like total shit and I feel the lack of sleep is taking a toll on my digestion. I hope to relax enough to take a nap and get back into working order.

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Workpost 30: Refocus

Byjack

My mind feels wild

Like a disordered pair of weeds

Blowing in the wind

They seek home

Somewhere to rest their aching knots

And yet

I cannot find any purchase

The loose threads of my mind struggle

To connect into anything cohesive

Today I was feeling confused about a question:

Why do I no longer feel any motivation to do coaching? Is it because I’m scared to propose a $20,000 product? Am I scared to start a community?

And so I went for a walk. On my walk, I determined that it was because I desire to focus more than anything. Currently, I am focusing on posting for 50 days on LinkedIn and it’s taking a lot of energy. I need to be able to have fewer things on my plate.

However, when I sat down to write this journal. I realized that I’ve lost my way in these posts. I no longer do the hard work to grow and articulate how I am feeling. When I did, my poem revealed to me that I feel extremely lost and scattered in my mind. I’ve forgotten the helpful intentions I use to set myself into the mode of preparing my day:

  1. You are in my house
  2. Take your time, be patient
  3. Be ok with silence
  4. Take risks
  5. My house is a place where anything is possible
  6. Connection theory + flow theory

When I immerse myself in these intentions, I feel the distinct taste of possibility coming back to me and my world is opened wide enough to do the planning that I want to do in these posts.

Today I want to continue the work of yesterday and I want to focus on three things:

  1. AI project
  2. Linkedin post process
  3. To do list

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Workpost 5: Panic Attack

Byjack

I was just on the border of a panic attack when I went to go exercise.

My Head Hurts

Eyes are swimming in a pain in the back of my head

Heart beating like its a race

And no matter how fast it beats

It isn’t fast enough

To catch up

With the work I want to do

After hanging for a little bit, I decided something. I need to go back to basics. As the level of work, my ambition, my organization go up…so have my stress levels. It is beginning hard to relax, hard to feel in the moment. It feels like I’m in an endless race with no chance to catch my breath.

So here are the basics:

  1. The planning I’m doing in these blog posts give me a huge edge in terms of direction and thought process in a huge number of goals at the same time. However, I now need to do the opposite. The basic I have in mind is this – focus on one thing at a time. Make a todo list. Create prioritization. Make it emotionally make sense (choose what emotionally feels important to focus on first, not logically). Clear all distractions and focus on one thing.
  2. Use the taoist approach to achieve fulfillment. Work until you feel empty.
  3. Use the coaching mindset…let the world come to you, have patience.

I also realized I did not work on the product research goal.

So here it is:

Goal: Create free products in 1 month | UNIT ONE: Complete research | Part 1 Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?

  • One interview per day
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Sad At The Party

Byjack
Sad At The Party

I was sad at the party today

So sad, two people asked me what was wrong

It’s only because of you

That I was even willing to tell them

To let them in

I stayed until midnight

Then went to another party

Because I didn’t want to face myself alone

Face my pain, my heartbreak

How is it

That two people who love each other so much

Can’t give each other what they need

I know I did the right thing

That I set us both free from our prisons

Me from my torture, her from her cage

I gave us a way out

But I hope that way

Doesn’t lead away from each other

Forever

My friends told me that this will help me learn

That I will find someone new

But I don’t want anyone else

Even though we were not working

I only want her

Sometimes, when I feel clear

That we really did have something special

That it was real love, it just didn’t work

I feel a little peace

Before the pain comes washing back