Today I am back to following the structure I set about in Valorant 30 but with some edits.
UNIT 1: VOD Review
UNIT 2: Map Understanding
UNIT 3: Mechanical Breakdown
My initial attempt at deathmatch:
Watching Tenz’s deathmatch
Some reflections:
My second attempt:
Its much better, but I do feel more pain in my finger from the pressing the mouse and it my biceps.
Some more thoughts:
Some thoughts:
When I left, I made myself a deal. If it was meant to be, she would reach out and try to make it work. If it wasn’t, I would at least set both of us free to pursue our lives.
If it wasn’t meant to be I wonder why. I told her she could be forever for me. When I had her, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. But now I feel more alone than ever. I wonder if she can even love a man with her trauma. I wonder if she’s more immature than I thought. I wonder if I wasn’t able to give her what she needed. She wasn’t after all, able to give me what I needed.
All I can do is sit and try to feel the feelings of heartbreak, anger, shame, and fear. And enjoy creating art from it.
Today created a video to myself.
Sometimes we don’t always win. Sometimes we have to be ok with losing. Sometimes we have to be ok with not being good enough.
Prompt: How good are you waiting for what you really want?
I remember the psychological test where they said that they could predict the success of children in later in life, just by how much self control they have for delayed gratification, and I wonder what child I am. Am I the type of child who grabbed the marshmallow, despite being told to wait by the researchers the minute they left the room? Probably not, when I was a child I was a stickler for the rules. But what if they gave the choice to me? What if there were no rules? Well I suppose it would feel like a cruel test, to believe internally that I would get two marshmallows if I waited long enough but one would never come.
I think now that I’m not good at waiting for what I want at all. But really what I am, is not good at avoiding distractions when I feel extreme discomfort. Am I running from discomfort? Or do I really want something and are not willing to wait for it? The answer isn’t clear to me.
I did not wake up feeling good. I went to bed at 11:40 (much earlier to my credit! I ended up not working on one of my projects and didn’t play Valorant). However, I couldn’t fall asleep because I just showered and my body was too hot.
This morning, I went for a walk and I crawled for about 30 minutes. Crawling feels EXTREMELY good. I found a way to do it very naturally. I think it is funny how great hardship yet again provides so much value. I know how to crawl because I had to learn how to walk properly after messing up my knee so much that it hurt to walk. In learning how to walk I have a clear idea of how to shift my weight and do the same thing when I crawl. I’m going to try to crawl more throughout the day.
Other than crawling, I did feel extremely happy last night driving around but again in the morning I feel kind of lonely and depressed and I wonder again what I can do to soothe that.
Perhaps, I will play some Valorant today, do some art and music, and more crawling because those things all make me happy. I also reached out to a lot of friends yesterday and a lot of people wanted to talk today so maybe I will talk to them too. I am excited to go on the trip to California with my brother and sister!
As for the different projects, here are my thoughts:
I didn’t really know how to copy the apas style, but I noticed that he wide peeked a lot.
I also used the ideas earlier about hyping myself up and it seemed to work.
We didn’t win this game but I was incredibly aggressive and confident in my peeks. I entried with the classic and was not afraid to push very aggressively, buying my team space.
After running a deathmatch and focusing on taking a second to aim, and to fully face the enemy, looking for the kill, I had this game.
I felt this was by far the most successful, with aggressive peeking but also utilizing util and gamesense to the fullest.
My sense is that hyping myself up is probably the biggest strategy for me, with some additional adjustments afterwards for aim technique.