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The Trifecta of Growth and Progression Down the Path of Truth
There was a big journey I went down in terms of working on myself, becoming more mature and being able to live a free and meaningful life.
- I started by thinking that you needed to meet your own needs
- Then I thought you needed to be good at asking for your needs
- And finally, I thought you needed to process traumas and emotions
But I realized that they are all part of the same things and have different parts to play.
In a way, everything is about not abandoning yourself and taking care of yourself. You surround yourself with people who you can talk about what is on your mind truthfully and emotionally. They help you understand what you need. You are able to then give yourself what you need and walk down further along the path of understanding different parts of yourself that are in pain.
From processing emotions, we can truly love ourselves, and the people around us, and be present in the moment.
There is a sense that being with people who don’t accept us, don’t allow us to feel safe speaking our truth is self abandoment. In a way, even if someone meets some of our needs (for example is attractive enough to make us feel special), if we settle for someone who doesn’t love us or allow us to be ourselves, we are putting ourselves down.
Not allowing ourselves to meet our own needs (for example, asking for validation from others because we refuse to give it to ourselves) is self abandonment.
Refusing to look deeper, and shielding parts of ourselves from the world (for example, keeping a confident outward appearance when we feel anxious) is abandoning parts of ourselves and placing the outside world’s comfort above our own.
Workpost 46: A Black Dragon Called Neelu
Today I came up with a new emotional processing tool, finding a way to personify the feelings within me and making friends with them.
The goal is to accept and validate feelings within instead of trying to push them down or quickly process them.
Here are some examples:
- Valorant stress and anxiety (fear of being bad/defective, fear of failure) – a little black dragon called Neelu. The tension in my stomach and heart are the dragon’s body my frustration its fire.
- The feeling of being overwhelmed by the thought of work – Pedro the Triangle, a pyramid floating in my chest with sharp edges
- The desire/pull for attention or to be liked – Lethe the a sort of fast moving air or energy in my chest
These personification, I make friends with them, allow them to be with me while I go about my business.
I also wanted to talk about a really good video I watched.
Some lessons I learned:
- Stay consistent
- Figure out what you want to be the best at (good enough for others to want to pay you money)
- Figure out what comes before the money in terms that is more grounded and more closer to your purpose
Taking the final advice, I wanted to think about it a little more.
I want to make $200,000.
My two goals are:
- To help people turn their artistic gifts into masterpieces
- Works of art that are honest, emotional, grounded, playful, imaginative, personal, and beautiful
- To make companies 10x more valuable
- More purposeful, unique, efficient, intentional, innovative processes, brands, culture, products and leaders (consistent and aligned)
The question I want to ask myself is: how would I need to go about my goals in such a way that it would be strange if I didn’t make $200,000?
Workpost 49: Onwards
Make up something for the answers to each of my questions:
- What are my target audiences and how can I reach them in a way that is consistent with my vision?
- What is a way that my funnel will achieve my mission and vision in some way?
- How do I make the funnel effortless and almost self-perpetuating somehow?
AI Consulting
- Target audience is startup or small businesses
- My vision is to help them reach their full potential
- I think the best way to reach them is probably through a facebook funnel
- That means walking them through some free content, free newsletter, and possibly free community
- Maybe 3 offerings: strategic consulting, innovation project, business overhaul
- Strong brand on brighter future
- Once funnel is created, should be able to just talk to consultations, maybe live streams
Art Coaching
- Target market are people who are looking to or about to retire
- My vision is to foster the creation of more masterpieces
- Best way to reach them is to hand out business cards at conferences
- I think the best way to achieve my mission is by having some content on a website that is inspirational for artists, magical, fun, simple way to book a free consultation
- Create a business card that is magical and artsy
- Strong brand around dreams
- Once funnel is created, just go to conferences and hand out business cards
Ok, now that I worked through all of that, time to go through the same stuff as yesterday:
UNIT ONE: Logistics
- Log the new DBA documents
- Switch Epiphany AI over to a new account
- Switch expenses that are related to business over to new business bank account
- Apply for a second business credit card
UNIT TWO: Longterm planning
- Answer the question, how much time and money do I want to put into each experiment?
UNIT THREE: Business planning
- Finish business plans
- Finish financial plans
- Finish self growth plans
- Finish marketing plans
Final Updates:
- Brand for funnel of Art Coaching is children’s books, fairy tale, fantasy. The website is an invitation to start an adventure.
- Plan for AI consulting is to explore CRM pipelines such as Zoho, Zapier, and Hubspot
Valorant Poems
Today I will be playing a lot of Valorant and hopefully processing a lot of the stress and feelings I have around Valorant through the use of poetry.
Pregame Stress
I’ve got knots in my stomach
What if it is another day
Of humiliation
That drop in my stomach
Feeling helpless
Like I’m worth nothing
I go down in rank
The more I play
What is wrong me
That I cannot get better
I hate this
Myself
Me
Hands Sweaty
On my keyboard
Heat on my face
Clenched stomach
It is no wonder
Valorant has such a big impact on me
I wish to let go of my fears
And remember the satisfaction of shooting
I starting to find it a challenge to write poetry because my mind always turns to thinking strategically and thinking in terms of sentanaces and bullet points. I’m going to roll with that. If that is how I feel, we are just going to write in sentences and bullet points.
I feel a bit tired like I’m walking through a haze. I’m scared to start a ranked game, and yet there is an eagerness to gain rr. Gold 1, what could go wrong? Yet I’m scared. HOW DID I GET TO GOLD 1? That’s unhead of. It gives me so much anxiety that I don’t know what is going on.
I want to remind myself of my main valorant tenants:
- Think of it as a 1v5
- Follow your feelings, peek when you are ready
- Keep wrist relaxed, use movement keys to aim
Some additional tenants:
- Find a space angle to hold, something that feels safe
- Peek expecting them there
- Notice things about aim, don’t try to change them, noticing is the pathway to the unconscious mind
Goddamn, this fucking omen can’t hit him while he’s moving . Why is Silver Movement so good?????
WHY IS THE RAZE HIDING IN THAT AREA? NO FUCKING COMMS? I hate this team. Why can I not hit shots.
I think I wasn’t aware of the danger I was in when clearing heaven. Maybe need more of that 1v5 mindset. Also, maybe need to notice where my shots are going. Scared but playing again. It is silvers I am with WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY KILLING ME. Counterstrafing, one tapping me??? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?
THIS IS LIKE GOING BACK 2 FUCKING YEARS. I guess what I thought before is that I would never drop this low because I can beat them on gamesense alone.
I feel tired. Why are the braindead idiots getting more kills? I feel a bit better now. I adjusted and I was able to get a bunch of kills in the end. I guess its just about holding better angles.
I don’t like this bullshit bottom fragging. I feel so tired and awful and I feel hungry.
It is interesting that with these reflections I was able to drop 39 kills in one of my games.

My Heart Is In the Back of My Throat
My Heart Is In The Back of My Throat
And it hurts
Like fucking hell
When I think she says
I need autotune
And a backing track
That everyone who told me I was a good singer
Was probably being nice
Probably joking
And laughed when I told her that I try not to sing around girls I like
Because they always seem to like me afterward, and I don’t know if they actually like me
Or my singing
I’m livid
The subtext is clear
That I’m stupid or naive
Too wrapped up in my own head I can’t hear my own recordings properly
That I’m somehow terrible despite all evidence to the contrary
I can’t tell if she is tone deaf
Or just has such a low opinion of me, she assumes I’m bad
Or simply has an extremely high bar for singers
She can’t see any of the beauty that most people see
She doesn’t get that look
That I see in people’s eyes when I sing
That focus
Like I’ve completely captured their attention
She’s not like the mean girl in class
Who smiled at me and said hi for the first time after I sang
Or the blonde girl on the bench
Who started talking to me
After she heard me sing
She wasn’t all the people who told me that they wished they knew how to sing
She’s like the girl at work
Closed off
Sitting at her desk
Grumpy
Always with headphones on
Or my friend’s ex boyfriend
Who was probably jealous
He couldn’t sing
Because he thought I was annoying
Even though my friend thought I was cool
She tells me
There is only one person
Who she liked when they sang
A girl who was her old friend
I wonder why
She is able to see the beauty in her friend’s voice
But unable to even stop herself from shutting me out
When I sing
Because out of all the people
Who I wanted to share this beautiful thing with
The one I wanted to pour my heart out to
The one I wanted to look at me in that way
When I sang
Focused
Entranced
Like in a spell
Was her
And my heart is telling me
She will never get it
She will never hear my voice for what it is
What We Owe Ourselves
I’ve been making everything a workpost these days. Because I like it. I like feeling the pride that I’m getting work done. But today, I’m going to try something a little different.
I want to write a little different. Not as a workpost, but a journal entry or maybe an essay.
I want to try writing with more of my emotions, seeking to express and be understood rather just recording my thoughts.
Today I felt very angry with myself. I felt like a failure. It’s been days and every day feels like a repeat of the same nightmare. Wake up, work, play Valorant, go to bed.
The deadline for my entrepreneurship endeavor feels like it is creeping closer and closer, and nothing feels like it is getting done. I feel like I’m drowning under the waves of my anxiety and stress. What if three months pass, and I get nothing done, just like I’ve gotten nothing done in the last 3 months?
In times like this, I feel desperate for answers. I search and I search for some answer to hold onto, some insight that will unlock my mind and set me free from this torment.
The answers didn’t come cleanly. But they did come.
First, I thought about my worries and wins. I wrote them down.
I thought about how really big goals aren’t completed by thinking about the goals, but about who you want to become, and being that person every day.
I thought about how focus was about letting things go, being ok with certain things slipping away.
I remembered my theories: connection theory, and flow theory. I used flow theory to feel my discomfort and soothe myself. Flow theory told me to hold my arms up in the wide circle, almost as if I was giving a hug to an imaginary friend. I needed to do this when I felt the feeling of letting myself down. Like I needed to hold myself and remind myself that I really cared.
I asked myself what I was willing to give myself, what I was willing to do today in order to prove to myself that I cared. And I wrote this:
Website Copy Draft
The path to greatness doesn’t have to be a lonely one
Have you always wanted to write a book, create a comic book, or start a youtube channel?
I specialize in helping people who are retired start one their second career…a career in creative expression.
I believe that there are 3 pillars to success in creating any artistic masterpiece – structure, creativity, and emotional honesty.
Master all three and you will have a work that will feel honest, raw, playful, and beautiful.
But it’s a lonely path to seek this on your own.
That’s where I come in.
With a unique background of both art and engineering, I uniquely understand the feeling and structure, and psychology required to complete the masterpiece of a lifetime. I won multiple awards for art as a child, and got a full scholarship to college for fine art. I am versed in multiple forms of art be it painting, videography, writing, music, and dance. I also studied mechanical engineering and have won awards in the corporate setting for my dedication to the details, practicality, and results orientation.
Together, I can help you express what it is that you want to express in a beautiful, deep, and artistic way.
Tomorrow, I will ask myself the same question. What am I willing to do for myself, my future me.