|

Workpost 26: My Way

Byjack

My Way

Anger in my heart

Ripping tearing

Destroy all the people

Who don’t understand me

Who want to tell me what to do

What I’m worth

I hate them all

With every fiber of my being

If I could burn their existence and wipe them from the planet I would

I’m so tired of fighting

I’m so tired of having to rely on others to do what I want to do

I’m so tired

I feel hopeless sometimes

Like there is no way out of this horrid existence

Where I am trapped

I breathed and breathed

And in the breath

I remembered

That I don’t need to let anyone control me

Only one person can live my life

No one else can touch me

They can’t hurt me and they can’t control me

I can do things my way

I did a little IFS therapy on myself and here are the parts that came up:

  1. Black Hatred: This is a protector of some sort that prevents other people from taking me off course of what I want to do. It does this through extreme anger against people who don’t understand me and box me into what they feel my limitations are.
  2. Mind Reader: The mind reader is always calculating what other people want in order to prevent the painful feelings around rejection and failure.

I reminded Black Hatred that I am 31 years old and he no longer needs to protect me since no one has any hold over me anymore. I can do whatever I want to do. I promised him that I will remain true to myself.

I reminded Mind Reader that I am 31 and I am fully capable with dealing with failure, and that at my age, failure helps keep the boredom away. I promised him that I will take care of myself and give myself time, space, comfort, and support.

Similar Posts

| |

Workpost 42: Loneliness

Byjack

I felt very lonely today, so I watched two videos. I figured that whenever my knee feels bad I do research, but I don’t do a lot of research when I feel lonely.

Major ideas that might help me from this post:

  1. Think about how to help others to feel less lonely. It’s weird that I always think about who can make me feel less lonely, but I actually don’t need other people for that. Helping others will help me feel less lonely.
  2. Emotional perfectionism definately sounds like me. Thinking about how it might be possible for me to connect with people even if they aren’t perfect friends and fill all my needs makes it a lot easier to connect with people.

This one really really really helped me because it answered one of my questions, why am I distracting myself all the time and going on YouTube videos and playing games. The simple thing is, I’m not a good friend to myself.

Main takeaways:

  1. A good friend is honest in a loving gentle way. Be honest with yourself in a compassionate way.
  2. A good friend is encouraging and pushes you to be a better version of yourself. Remind yourself what you are capable of, believe in yourself. Encourage yourself to be a good man, a strong man, despite what others want you to do.

For some reason, the idea of being a good man makes me feel really really calm for some reason. I know I have been fighting myself and that’s why I’m on my phone all the time.

I wanted to spend some time thinking more about my ideal friend:

  1. Someone who is accepting of me, a good listener, empathetic
  2. Someone who wants to go on adventures with me
  3. Someone who encourages me to dream big, believe in myself

Workpost 71: Reseting

Byjack

It’s somehow very comforting to have these work posts, as if I’m not completely alone while completing these tasks. Not just alone with my todo list.

I think its time to do a full todo list cleanup. Try my hand at every single item and see how far I can get.

Tactics For Sleeping In A Hotel Room

Byjack

I love love love traveling but one thing I cannot stand is sleeping well in hotels.

Hotels rooms always feel:

  • Too stuffy somehow, not enough circulation (I hate that you cannot open the window)
  • Too cold
  • The mattress doesn’t feel firm enough
  • Blankets aren’t soft or warm and fluffy (they are thin and scratchy)

I strategized last night to get the best nights sleep and here are the things I did:

  • Ate dinner in the lobby where the air circulation was better and feels like more fresh oxygen
  • Turn the heat up as high as it would go (78 degrees F)
  • Made the bed as comfortable as possible moving the blankets and pillows around to create a nice nest
  • Took a shower, then went back down to the lobby to unwind 
  • Feel asleep in the lobby then went back to the room to sleep

I feel like this actually was a REALLY good routine but I didn’t sleep well because the spicy wings I ate the day before made my stomach uncomfortable. I’m going to try to see if tonight I can fall asleep like in a coma.

Workpost 65: Work life balance

Byjack

My girlfriend is leaving soon and I want to focus on her and the relationship.

I have a pretty good work system set up, but I’m not sure how to balance work with time with her.

I think the answer is just to wake up early, plan out my day and do as much breakdown as I can, then work while she is next to me in the couch reading, and if not just work during the morning.

Workpost 68: More Processing

Byjack

Today I feel the need to process more emotions. I got some leads, but I’m afraid to call them. I don’t want to call them at all.

It feels boring, annoying, and painful.

I’m afraid if I call these people that I’m going to be sent to voicemail, or pressured to answer questions I don’t know the answer to. I’m afraid I will say something wrong that will mess it up, or that none of these leads are real.

I feel this burning numbing fear in center and left and right of my chest.

It feels like a plastic cage like a kids toy. It hurts like swallowing a hard candy that is a little too big.

Everyone I’m calling are just people like me.

But what if they don’t want to talk to me. What if they want me to leave them alone? Why do people sign up for things and then decide they don’t want to talk about them? What if I need to act excited and interested but I’m not?

The point is to vet these people, they might not want to work with you but you might not want to work with them on the same token.

UPDATE: I ended up calling and securing one meeting!

How to Be Good At Anything

Byjack

There is a realization I have recently been coming to slowly and it’s transforming my life.

It is weird because I’ve known this for a long time – I used to say that in order to master something, you need to focus on what feels uncomfortable (not on what is easy).

I don’t know what the new part of the realization is, but something has changed.

My new mentality is to always focus on what is unknown. For things that are logical (like the selling process) logically figure it out. For things that are artistic, form a vision and idea and feel it out.