I slept ok last night, so I’m feeling pretty ok overall.
However, I do feel a bit drained.
I want to take it easy today. I want to play some Valorant, do some jiujitsu, and try to mark things off my to do list if possible.
Maybe I can squeeze some drawing in as well.
I was just on the border of a panic attack when I went to go exercise.
My Head Hurts
Eyes are swimming in a pain in the back of my head
Heart beating like its a race
And no matter how fast it beats
It isn’t fast enough
To catch up
With the work I want to do
After hanging for a little bit, I decided something. I need to go back to basics. As the level of work, my ambition, my organization go up…so have my stress levels. It is beginning hard to relax, hard to feel in the moment. It feels like I’m in an endless race with no chance to catch my breath.
So here are the basics:
I also realized I did not work on the product research goal.
So here it is:
Goal: Create free products in 1 month | UNIT ONE: Complete research | Part 1 Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
I’m struggling with some extreme procrastination where I don’t want to work at all.
Let me try to process.
I feel like there is no point and I feel overwhelmed. I feel it in my chest, this invisible resistance.
I feel scared to shoot more videos, it brings up fear in my heart.
I guess anything I do I can break down into a process instead of doing everything all at once.
Today the matches were a bit different. I focused on checking off major things I wanted to work on in my to do list for my own life.
Match 1
Reflections:
Result Calculation:
Today is the day to make things up for myself.
Reminding myself of the mantra:
Today I want to establish the finances, goals, and structures of my businesses.
This means finishing the following things:
Here is how I want to divide it up:
UNIT ONE: Logistics
UNIT TWO: Longterm planning
UNIT THREE: Business planning
UNIT ONE: Logistics
UNIT TWO: Logistics
UNIT THREE: Business Planning
I feel tired. And yet I feel so inspired.
I ran with the ideas last night, of dance and music and I can say I feel extremely sad. Something about how much I miss this part of me. I feel sad about the weight I’ve been carrying around for so long. I feel sad because sadness acknowledges the pain in the world without shying away from it.
I watched this video last night:
I remember in art there is no right or wrong way to go about something. Just like in life. I feel we forget that a lot.
For some reason, I feel the desire to write stories. Here is a space for some freewriting:
A shark was washed onto the shore. That was the day when I asked my next door neighbor Amy to marry me. We were both 12 at the time. Amy was a quiet sort of girl, not shy, just took a while to think about things before she talked. When she did, she didn’t say much.
She looked at me up and down as if she was trying to size me up.
“So what do you say Amy?”
I wonder if this is how the shark felt. He was already dead when he was on shore, but his eyes seemed to look at you as if to say…well? What’s up?
“I don’t know,” Amy finally responded. Her fingers figeting.
“You don’t know?”
“Yea.”
“That’s ok!” I said. I was 12 and I felt invincible…
I feel sad because of how much of this I repressed within my self.
In terms of work, I feel I’ve done the experiment and I can officially say to myself, working on too many things at the same time does not work towards my strengths. I think I need to focus on one focus every day. If I get to a second one, then that’s good. Also, I can have many low effort progress toward every goal, but it can’t be the main focus.
In doing one main thing, I might be able to go to bed much sooner which is something of great concern to me.
I am slowly getting back into things. After completely messing up my bedtime, getting it back, getting sick, losing my bedtime again, I am finally getting back into the swing of things.
I want to refocus on the things that I set out to focus on: Health, AI Consulting, Art Coaching.
I want to have an 11-12 PM bedtime, journaling at night, morning walking meditation, and morning todo list and blog post.
Today on my morning walk I contemplated rejection.
You know I always felt that working on yourself made you more prepared for life in general and I always felt my fear of rejection was holding me back from a lot of things in life, initially from getting a girlfriend, but later from being a life coach.
Recently I had the experience of meeting with a client for a free session for which they were super impressed by but when I sent them my rates, they did not respond. This immediately triggered the rejection wounds within me. I also just had an artist interview who was late to our conversation, did not agree to the full hour, and did not want to schedule another time to complete our conversation which triggered rejection wounds within me.
I feel scared that if I ask for things, people will reject me. I’m afraid it will be awkward to talk to them afterwards, I’m afraid how others will view me after getting rejected.
This morning I came up with a couple of nuggets to handle and process rejection: