I’ve been feeling that I need to take a bit of a departure from what I normally write in these workposts because I need to write more about my emotions, and let tools like my todolist take over the structured work elements of my day.
Caged
I feel caged in the prison
Of my own ambition
Unable to do anything
But work
Mindless work
Though I know I love work
It gives me purpose
I can’t shake the feeling that
I’m not happy
Some free part of me is no longer free
I’m starting to feel like a major issue with how I’m approaching life right now is balancing between structure and freedom. I created so much structure to assist me in achieving all my goals, but now I have too much structure. I feel the need to relax and indulge myself a bit and I don’t know how to hold onto both. I suspect there are too many challenges that I am splitting my attention between and the fewer the better. I will seek to finish as much work today as possible so as to not split my attention as much.
I think something else I’ve been thinking about is cleaning my apartment and making it something other than just work. Perhaps that would create the spaciousness and happiness I need. Maybe I need to go outside more, not to do anything in particular, just to walk and think about things. In fact, I wonder if I would worry about having a huge number of things to do if I was able to just walk and think about them.
On second thought, I will try one more day with my multitude of goals, I will not try to finish one to free up my attention. Instead, I will try to find a way to work on all of these goals walking, or at the gym hanging, or crawling around my apartment. Maybe I can make art too! Use art to work through any challenge I have. I will also focus on cleaning up my apartment as much as possible.
Today I got into a metal box It’s not the kind you put into the ground But the one that takes you from gate to gate On the airplane filled tarmac Except today I’m not leaving for a trip It’s not a trip It’s a move And while it hasn’t quite hit me yet Maybe I’m leaving a part of myself behind Forever Life though Is always more gravel than dream More grounded and real Made up of experiences Not places Or cities Austin North Potomac But I’ll miss them Myself My old comfortable life That I snuggled in for so long I’m afraid to grow up Poke my head out from under the covers
I am trying some new things out to update my routines and actions from the last post.
My morning routine: short walk outside. No computer or phone until I walk outside and get some good sun exposure.
My reset. If I feel overwhelmed, take a shower or go into my closet.
Practicing the transition from my chair to my door: I’m going to mark a tally on my “Active Life” tracker calendar (shout out to my girlfriend <3).
In trying out this new “Active Life” tracker, I decided the following today after trying it out today:
I will leave the apartment as many times as I can
If I feel tired and want to sleep, I can just go to the gym and come back after
If I want to play Valorant or doomscroll, I can go out, do some quick work, then come back and go on my phone
I’m also proud of myself for doing some sketching today in the “woodcut” style that I plan to use for my business card.
I like it a lot but I want to continue on working on making it more clean like this:
Some thoughts:
It helps to look at a photo reference
Might help to sketch out a design beforehand
Need a harder brush (sharper edges) for the image
Now it’s time to plan my day and look at yesterday’s questions.
What am I going to do about my art coaching and AI gaming companies?
Am I behind schedule and if so what do I do about it? Yes, I am behind schedule. I think what I need to do about it is that I want to focus more on the business side of things. For coaching that means finding clients and for AI gaming I’m not sure yet. Either way, I need to start figuring out what it looks like to run the business.
Should I extend the schedule? Maybe a little, but at the moment no.
Am I losing money? Yes, but this is something I want to do and get better at. The best thing to do for me is to not to have a gameplan, just run with what I have until the money runs out. Perhaps I could also try to find a business partner or something to level up to the next step or collaborate with my current business partner more.
How do I get out of my procrastination phase and get working? Leaving the apartment more. Doing a deep clean of my apartment.
What do I do about my art coaching website? Create a powerpoint for it, create a basic website.
How do I get everything done in such a short period of time? I don’t need to. I failed at section one of the business, but that’s ok. Failure = growth. I learned that not taking faster action to get to sales doesn’t work as well. Maybe I need to get more people involved to help me or to just bounce ideas off of.
Should I start registering for fairs? Yes most definitely, also think more about what I can give away.
Should I pay someone to design the website for me? I absolutely could, it probably is a very good idea.
How am I going to get the motivation to start drawing? How do I start drawing consistently? I need to find the joy in just creating this new art style.
How do I start going to the gym and working outside the apartment consistently? Through my “Active Life” tracker! And from being the hero, and valuing my body as a temple. And by leaving the apartment every time I want to do something unhealthy (going outside, then coming back and gaming etc.)
How will I start cooking again and cleaning up my apartment? Where will I find the time? We can do it piece by piece, we also don’t need to cook immediately, just work on it slowly.
How will I prepare for the next week of work? How do I balance my other businesses? I should focus work on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays for a specific time period (8-5). Then trust in the process. If I leave the apartment a lot, things will get done on all fronts.
When will I continue to work on my Javascript projects? What is the breakdown between AI work time and coaching work time. Not sure, we have a couple of options. We can focus on coaching, switch gears to AI therapist (as greater chances of monitization), or try to create a release schedule. Or forget about getting something out as being a full stack dev would be pretty valuable and worthy skill on its own right.
Now to write some of the questions I have for tomorrow:
How am I going to balance contract work with my businesses tomorrow?
What can I do to make sure I get enough sleep for jiujitsu?
What is the plan for getting customers for my businesses?
Should I sign up for a consultation with a Fiverr coach for javascript? Should I work first to get an understanding of full stack?
Should I start looking for someone to build my coaching website?
What can I give away at the fairs?
What is the next step for my woodcut art style? What is the plan for the business cards?
When am I going to create my powerpoint for my coaching website outline?
I’m happy, I think two mentalities that are helping me are:
Whenever I want to do something unhealthy or distracting (youtube, Valorant, etc.) first leave the apartment then do it when I come back. I usually get more done, are more in touch with my body and don’t feel the need to self medicate after.
At the end of the day, imagine what I wished I got done, what would make me happy if I got done and turn those things into a list of questions to tackle and solve tomorrow.
It was on my run that I decided, I needed to leave
Dread in my heart
Peace in my head
And I didn’t cry
I told her shortly after
Fear in my head
Anxiety in my stomach
And I didn’t cry
I saw the message she sent me
Pain in my soul
Shame on skin
And I didn’t cry
Tonight I told a council of kings
Of a girl I loved
Too young
Too far
Too virtual
I told them I knew it was still special
I told them that I knew she gave up
I told them that I knew I had let go
That I cannot fix or change someone
Just because I need them
I knew it was the right thing to do
And finally
I cried
Tonight was a transformative experience for me. I sobbed today like I haven’t in years. It’s as if the pain, the shame, and the fear were just holding everything back. When I let go, all I felt was sad. I felt relieved, at peace, but so sad I cried for a long time.
To be fast and effective and efficient. What percentile do I fall in terms of the human potential for efficiency?
To be able to see through problems in a genius like way. What percentile do I fall into for my perception?
Warmup ideas:
Emotional processing on stress (5 min)
Workout (5 min)
Meditation (5 min)
Postwork Review:
I was very calm and measured during this work. I also did not take breaks.
Emotional processing, exercise and meditation are quite effective.
Grading:
Efficiency: 65% I think most people would be able to do what I was able to do but I suppose there were more steps than I thought and I was quite efficient at them.
Perception: 70% The task didn’t require insane perception until the very end where I did solve a problem really fast by realizing the problem.
Goals: I really want to feel less shitty and tired and I want to come up with a direction for my podcast edit and how I can edit it in 40 minutes or less.
Here are the metrics for scoring:
Energy rejuvenation (1-5)
Confidence in solution (1-5)
Creativity (percentile)
Raw efficiency, work over energy (percentile)
My plan for my warmup is just for go for a long 15 minute walk.
Plan for work session:
UNIT ONE: Analyze video (10 min)
Might want to create a good intro
who are you and what have you done
What would help her as a writer?
Creative process from start to end
Talking about book in a way people want to read it or get greater insight
Greatest struggles as a writer
What like to write about
What do other people probably want to know about a writer?
Where come up with ideas
Interesting passages from book
UNIT TWO: Process/look at other ideas (10 min)
Going all in on Judy Blume masterclass video:
As soon as you tell me I can’t do something, I’m going to do it.
I hope that in sharing with you what I’ve learned over 50 years of writing that it will help you find your way as a writer.
As a 12-year-old, I was obsessed by the idea of growing breasts and getting my period. But there was no place that I could read about it. When I started to write, I was determined to be honest. So I’m going to share with you the practical side of writing.
There’s nothing more important than character. You’re living with these people for years. You had better feel for them. Do some exercises. Have your character write a letter to you. The first draft is pure torture for me. I hate every second of it. I have a messy mind, and my writing is a process of cleaning up the mess, then slowly making a story. I will be able to show that to you.
I got a particularly nasty review once. It got to me, and I took my typewriter, and I held it over this arroyo. And I was going to throw it in. I thought I cannot do this anymore. And then this little voice went off in my head. Wait, you’re going to let this one review stop you from writing? That’s crazy! That’s one opinion. I enjoy finding and supporting new writers, and this is a chance for me to reach more of you.
I always ask myself, why would anyone write if they didn’t have to? I mean it’s so hard. So this is for all of you who feel that you have to.
I’m Judy Blume, and this is my Master Class.
Something really special about Danuta and unique about her personality, show don’t tell.
*Beeroll on books and images from life, maybe emotional points of interview
Some sort of intro to talk about what this is about (maybe introduction)
Something about how she gets started with creative process, or something about art or creativity.
Walk through the step by step creative process
*Images or animation if possible
Talk about a challenging emotional experience
Resolution if possible
Deeper philosophical point
End
UNIT THREE: Create plan for actual editing (currently thinking one short, one long) (10 min)
UNIT ONE: Gathering clips
UNIT TWO: Gathering broll
UNIT THREE: Compositing
Bonus time: shot list
Something really special about Danuta and unique about her personality, show don’t tell. Should be humorous and controversial.
Beeroll on books and images from life, maybe emotional points of interview
To kill the other
Some sort of intro to talk about what this is about (maybe introduction)
Something about how she gets started with creative process, or something about art or creativity.
Walk through the step by step creative process
Images of process
Talk about a challenging emotional experience with resolution if possible
Deeper philosophical point
Some sort of ending
Bonus time: animation thoughts
Trying out pencil 2d!
Postmatch Review:
Overall, this was very fun and rejuvenated my love for editing and video.
Energy rejuvenation – 4 I don’t feel 100% but my energy went up TONS since I started working
Confidence in solution – 2 I feel the plan is really solid but the timing seems a little tight to get all of this done
Creativity – 70th percentile, pretty good, not revolutionary. But I don’t think most people could do this.
Raw efficiency, work over energy – 80th percentile, I think most sessions and people can’t be this productive in 40 minutes that was actually insane.
Match 2: Video Editing
Goals: I want to be excited about this video edit, feel satisfied, while boosting my confidence in pushing out videos faster with less effort
Here are the metrics for scoring:
Excitement in the edit (1-5)
Satisfaction in the edit (1-5)
Efficiency (percentile)
Fun (1-5)
How ME it is (percentile)
My plan for my warmup is to hype myself up – play music, tell friends etc. + motivation.
Clean, write on my board.
UNIT ONE: Gathering clips (10 minutes)
Something really special about Danuta and unique about her personality, show don’t tell. Should be humorous and controversial.
Beeroll on books and images from life, maybe emotional points of interview
To kill the other
Some sort of intro to talk about what this is about (maybe introduction)
Something about how she gets started with creative process, or something about art or creativity.
Walk through the step by step creative process
Images of process
Talk about a challenging emotional experience with resolution if possible
Deeper philosophical point
Some sort of ending
UNIT TWO: Gathering broll
UNIT THREE: Compositing
Postmatch Review:
Excitement in the edit – 2 I’m not that thrilled about the cut so far
Satisfaction in the edit -1 I’m not all that satisfied in the edit
Efficiency (percentile) – 60% I’m better than average but a bit slow compared to experienced video editors
Fun (1-5) – 3 I had quite a lot of fun
How ME it is (percentile) – 15% not a lot of me in it so far
Match 3: Video Editing + MEified
Goals: I was right that the last match did not finish the process of editing. It was just too much. But I did make REALLY good progress. The only problem is, it’s not ME enough. This last challenge, I want to get the edit done, and I want to inject some Jack magic into it.
Metrics for scoring:
How ME is it (percentile)
Completeness & polish (percentile)
For my warmup, I’m going to watch a bunch of my videos.
Ok the warmup didn’t work, I’m gonna play some nice music and meditate. Me is goofy, profound, soft, and emotional.
UNIT ONE: Compostiting
UNIT TWO: MEify
UNIT THREE: Finalize
Postmatch Review: It ended up taking two hours. I’m tired now!
How ME is it – 65% it does feel real, and grounded but not as me as I could make it
Completeness & polish – 65% its actually not bad at all, could use some broll and animation
