I love my couch. It is white but that is just a custom cover I bought for it. The cover cost me a pretty penny, about one hundred and fifty dollars. My dad said it wasn’t worth it. My couch wasn’t always mine. I bought it on Facebook Marketplace for about two hundred fifty dollars. It expands to be a queen-sized bed.
I love it because it always can give me a safe place to sleep when I’m spending late nights on my computer. It’s a nice place to meditate. I have more memories of sleeping on my couch than on my bed. The white cover is a bit scratchy but I like the feeling of it on my skin. It feels a bit like the canvases for my paintings before I put paint on them. Underneath the off-white cover is hiding a beautiful deep blue. I like thinking about how its still pristine under the cover.
I am scared knowing that the amount of pain between us may be too much to overcome. Pain is always an invitation for growth, but how much is someone willing to grow? I worry sometimes I made a huge mistake. I did it because of the feeling that it was over already. That staying would have been just trying to push along a dream, squeeze out the last bit of real connection that we had. I felt that I had to try to give things enough space for perspective. I wonder sometimes if she even has the capability to feel the love I felt for her. Whether it was just an obsession for her, when it was love for me.
I’ve been seeking excitement in my life for some time now. The excitement of walking up to random people to ask for them to vote for my non-profit, jumping off something high for parkour, or talking to a pretty girl on the street.
All those things felt like they had an element of risk but felt extreemly freeing and rewarding.
I wanted to know how to get more of this in my life and I stumbled upon a way to bring it into the more mundane parts of life, and if I can bring it into the mundane, perhaps I can bring it everywhere.
I realized that this can be used in any area where I have the desire to act but feel too afraid and that this could be any type of fear, not just social fear. For example, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety recently with feeling overwhelmed by things. For example, I feel overwhelmed at the thought of taking out the dishes, going to the gym, doing a duolingo test or playing an online chess match against a real person.
Using the formula that I developed with talking to women (but no longer use since I have a girlfriend), here are the steps:
Imagine that I am going for it, and that I can imagine myself doing so within the next few seconds
Imagine the fullest extent of “going for it”, how would truly committing look like, how would feeling effortless and free look like
Let the fear/excitement build up in your chest as you start to breathe
Let the energy carry the action – you don’t have to act if it feels wrong, but let the energy flow through your breathing and let it move you
Continue to breathe through the experience to stay connected to yourself
These steps can bring a feeling of aliveness and control over life. I should know, I used it to write this very post and shoot the video below.
Last night I tried to go to Judo Club for the first time but they were closed for Thanksgiving.
The thing that I wanted to understand the most is why I have this feeling every time I want to leave my house, that I don’t want to go. I always want to live a life of adventure but I’m beginning to suspect that is because I never leave.
So let me try to break it down. The thoughts that come to my head when I think about venturing out:
It is too much energy
It is probably cold outside
I’ll have less time for gaming
I probably won’t like it
What if Judo isn’t useful to me
I don’t know Judo at all what if I’m bad at it
What if I need a gi, I don’t have a gi
Maybe I should go back to jiujitsu
What if it doesn’t help with jiujitsu
Does jiujitsu even help with self defense
I feel like I’m wasting my time
And these types of thoughts are also pervasive when I think about doing anything. Shopping, trying to make friends, or eating out. I don’t want to do anything.
I want someone that I know who is also game, but at the same time I don’t want to bring the wrong person who I don’t trust or feel safe around.
It does help to have my audiobook so at least when I drive I can get some escape into a cool and interesting world.
I think I feel very alone in this world. I think I now understand why I always push my gf to be more ambitious or wish that she was. It’s because then I would feel less alone.
But there is a good reason for going outside and experiencing life. I always want to feel anything is possible, to feel alive and connected to the world. To take risks and grow as a person. I suppose the counter to that is just feeling that the world feels too unsafe and like it will not understand me or give me what I need. At home, I have my games and friends and it feels nice and comforting.
Audiobooks are almost a way for me to self-soothe outside my house.
In a way, youtube and social media make sense too. It is like having a friend who you can tell things to when you feel alone outside filming or going on adventures.
I want to accept my loneliness. The first thing that comes to my mind is to turn my loneliness into art.
As I slowly process, I start to think about how I can slowly start branching out by staying in my apartment complex but leaving my actual apartment.
I understand why people find solace in religion. I really feel that I need a group of people who are seeking to do the same thing as me. To do things in life. To have the same values and philosophies. Not just share the same favorite TV shows. I have a friend who is Christian and I envy his options in having those deep connections. It just doesn’t feel right to me, because I don’t believe in that faith.
I am almost seeking spirituality.
That is an interesting statement. I’ve always felt that was the thing that was missing from my life. I have career success, success in money and even love. It is spirituality that I’ve never embraced because I felt nothing from a lot of the types of spirituality proposed to me.
Two more things occur to me now.
First, is that I recently borrowed a book called Man’s Search for Meaning By Viktor Frankl and I will read it. It is actually funny that this book was available for me to borrow at this time (I had to put it on hold since there were no available copies when I first checked) because it is supposed to be the best book for my EXACT problem. Spirituality. Meaning. Purpose. It was written by a Holocaust survivor.
The second thing that occurs to me is that I used to do a lot of work to change the world. It’s been a long time since I have done that sort of thing, but I think it really gave me something of what I need right now. I think that’s why I love coaching so much. It fills many needs, but one of the needs is for doing something that is changing the world for the better.
That’s it for now I suppose. I will go read that book now (or listen to it, since I got the audiobook version).
I’m now on the road and I feel absolutely exhausted. Tired from the travel to Austin, tired from not sleeping well, tired from getting up early today, and not sleeping well again.
I really want to just sleep and sleep for a long time.
Other than sleeping, I want to focus on taking care of myself, this means sparing no expense, and getting myself what I need when I need it.
This means fulfilling my needs through my values of Health, Freedom, Honesty, Respect, Empathy, and Ambition. This means using connection theory on myself.