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Valorant – Inner Game
The most interesting part of these videos is the last part of the second video, where they talk about inner game.
What I find interesting about inner game is the idea that mentally telling yourself to do something won’t work, but noticing will make your mind automatically make the change. This is the essence of connection theory and it is so interesting that psychologists have studied it.
Artistic Life Challenge
I don’t really know much about what I want from this challenge yet just so as to say that there was a part of my life when I felt really connected to visual art. I used to draw all the time, I used to think about ideas for paintings and dream of illustrating children’s books and graphic novels.
A part of me is still excited by those things but for whatever reason, maybe it was going to a school without passionate artists, maybe it was pushing myself to be more logical and working in logical STEM fields for years, or maybe it was just a part of growing up – I lost touch with art somewhere along the way.
The challenge is simple but difficult to define. I will have succeeded if I feel that I am meeting my need to be creative and finding that joy, wonder, and creativity in my life again like I did when I was younger.
I will try to express the feelings through a poem:
Anything Was Possible
Anything was possible back then
And by anything I don’t mean that I ever dreamed of anything as boring as a seven-figure salery
I felt the worlds of magic at my fingertips
The rush and pull of sorcery
A great clash between good and evil
And a bond between friends, unwavering
Of great courage and great sacrifice
I think now
In what my younger self could have only described
As old age
30 years old is practically ancient
I know that the only way I can do this challenge
Is not through an arbitrary goal or metric
But rather it has to be a portal to another world
A graphic novel
Like I always wanted
Or an illustrated book
It doesn’t matter
Because it is the world that matters
The world that I can escape to
Like the little mouse hole my six year old self would crawl into
To read frog and toad books at the library
Perhaps this has all come full circle after all
Because 30 years old is precisely the age
My younger self would expect to be the time
When people stopped being readers
And started being writers
The creators of the worlds
Like the ones I used to like to escape to
When I was young
It’s actually both fantastic and sad that it took a poem for me to understand what my focus will be for my art challenge. I think I will rename this challenge. I wanted to find myself reinspired by art, and I forget how art inspired me in the first place – by entering and creating other worlds.
This will now be known as the “The Other World” challenge and I will dedicate a year to it.
One year to develop another world that I can dive into, be comforted by, and be lost in.
That means by October 9th, 2024 I will endeavor to have created a miracle. Shaped and molded a whole new universe out of words, images, and maybe even music.
I’m excited because I thought this challenge was going to be like the rest of them, so difficult and challenging. I thought it was going to be about doing Inktober and drawing for an art competition. I realize now that those goals are meaningless to me, and using them as goals, made me feel directionless in art.
This feels more true to my love for art. I remember crying to my girlfriend today about a beautiful book I read when I was young, called the Power of Un. It was a world that I fell into, just like all the others. It was all these worlds that made me feel excited for life. And it is the absence of these worlds that have left me feeling like some part of me was lost and never quite found.
French Challenge 1: A Head Scratcher
This is definitely one of the most difficult challenges I’ve undergone in a while.
I’ve tried a couple of things and I feel frustrated.
The Reaching for the Untouchable
The frustration
The reaching in my heart
Is getting to me
Reaching for the untouchable
I wonder if I will ever know
The doubt creeps
I seek to know
And when I rush there
There is still nothing
Frustration in my chest
Like a roar that wants to escape
But is trapped behind bars
I have created multiple messages to my girlfriend in French, multiple times I’ve tried to imitate. I feel like imitation is the key, but I grow tired of seeing no results. I feel tired and frustrated.
I feel angry and unhappy.
I suspect failure is such a hard thing for me to grasp. It is such a tough pill to swallow.
I saw a video with a lot of potential:
It is about learning jiujitsu really fast. But really it is about learning. He talks about many ideas in the video, ideas that I’ve myself considered. Ideas that I think are pretty profound and helpful:
- Performance vs. growth
- Train in the gym to fail – growth
- Compete to win – performance
- Form to leave form
- Repetition until it is second nature
- Turn something thought into something intuitive
- Smaller circles
- Reduce something from intuition to a conscious idea
- Look for different ways to apply it
He mentions some really interesting sounding books:
- The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey to Optimal Performance by Josh Waitzkin
- The Will to Keep Winning by Daigo Umehara
- Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment by George Leonard
Anyway, I feel if I were to embrace my fear of failure, I need to meditate on it, but also come up with a plan.
I first want to come up with the plan to train From to Leave Form…and be repetitive about the most common words in French, say them until they are second nature.
So what are the top most common 10 words in French:
- Oui: Yes
- Non: No
- Merci: Thank you
- Je: I
- Tu/vous: You
- Le/la/les: The
- Un, une des: A, an, and some
- Le/la/les: It, them
- Et: And
- Mais: But
- Bonjour: A general greeting meaning “hello” or “good morning”
- Au revoir: Goodbye
- Salut: Hello
- Amour: Love
- Bonheur: Happiness
- Chat: Cat
- Chien: Dog
But these words are too basic. What about the top 10 most common phrases?
- Bonjour: Means “hello” or “good morning”.
- Merci: Means “thank you”.
- S’il vous plaît: Means “please”.
- Ça va?: Means “how are you?” .
- Je ne sais pas: Means “I don’t know”.
- Parlez-vous anglais?: Means “Do you speak English?” .
- Bienvenue: Means “welcome”.
- Madame/Monsieur/Mademoiselle: Means “Mrs.”, “Mr.”, or “Miss”.
- Anchante enchante: Means “nice to meet you”.
- Sava: Means “how are you”.
- C’est simple comme bonjour: Means “it’s simple as hello”.
- Et patati et patata: Means “and so on”.
- En avoir ras-le-bol: Means “to have had enough”.
- Tu m’étonnes: Means “tell me something I don’t know”.
Ok that is a little better, but what about the most common French verbs?
Aller
Means “to go” and is also used to describe the near future tense.
Avoir
Means “to have” and is used to express possession, relationships, physical and mental states, and many other contexts.
Être
Means “to be” and indicates the action or state of being.
Pouvoir
Means “can” or “to be able to”. It’s an irregular verb like prendre or faire, belonging to the third group.
Savoir
Used to indicate knowledge or understanding. It can also be used in many idiomatic expressions, such as “savoir-faire” (know-how).
Mettre
Means “to put” but can also be used for dropping someone off somewhere, laying the table, taking time to do something, laying a carpet.
Prendre
Means “to take”, including “to travel” on particular forms of transport. It is also used for having meals.
Venir
Means “to come”, and it can be easily used to conjugate the recent past or convey the idea that you have just done something recently.
Vouloir
Often translated as to want and to wish in English, as its main usage is to express desires and wishes.
I want to read more about verbs in French but it is too late and I need to go to bed.
The French Challenge: The Plan
So I have a new challenge I’m working on.
To summarize my goals in order of how much they resonate with me:
- Be able to communicate and connect on a deeper level with my girlfriend, her friends and family
- Discover a whole new undiscovered world, the French world
- Understand and empathize with others better, understand and empathize with myself better
- Challenge myself to do the impossible
- Maybe win some cool points in learning French written language
- Learn more about French food
Timeline: 31 days (not counting today) from December 15th to January 15th
I’ve always wanted to learn French in a way that isn’t conventional. Not the Duolingo or the Rosetta Stone or Pimsleur way. None of those programs really worked for me. Maybe on the surface level they work…like if I spent enough time learning and studying those programs it would work but the way they were structured was all wrong for me. It just felt so dry and boring and something alive about the language was lost. I love how personal language can be. I want it to be personal for me.
But in order to do so, I’m going to have to rely a huge amount on connection theory because learning a language is incredibly difficult and I will need to really come up with something next level to learn a language without following one of these programs.
So let’s think about it. While I would love to plan out all 31 days of this, I simply cannot. That is too damn hard. Because I don’t have enough experience in learning languages, I need to try to learn it in different ways and understand and feel the feelings.
Some things I want to try:
- Write a story in French. Get help from a large language model in doing it.
- Write a comic in French, and also get help from AI.
- Learn through mimicry. Watch a YouTube video or movie in pure French. No subtitles, no explanation. Just imitate and copy the entire language. Don’t even try to understand what is being said.
- This is how babies learn and how large language models learn
- This might be my entire strategy in the challenge
- What I train on might be important, for example, if I watch a lot of comedy, I might end up being a very jokey person in French
- This is probably by far the hardest but most profound way to learn a language, need to be extremely comfortable with feeling the feeling of confusion (one of the most painful feelings for humans)
- Leave a message to my girlfriend in French every day. Let go of pronunciation or grammar. Focus only on trying to communicate as much as possible without looking any French up. When I need to look something up, don’t try to memorize it. The point is to communicate a lot, not memorize or get things perfectly right.
- This makes a lot of sense because my primary goal is to connect with my girlfriend.
- It makes sense to let go of anything that would prevent me from wanting to leave a message, namely
- Being afraid to pronounce something wrong
- Annoyed at having to look something up
- Annoyed at having to memorize words I look up
- By talking a lot, expressing a lot every day, and potentially looking up the same words over and over, I will start to absorb them
Core Wounds 9
I kind of dropped the ball on these because I don’t know if I feel like challenging my core wounds, but I think I need to keep going for the 21 days at least. It is interesting because you are supposed to focus on one core wound. I don’t know which one I would focus on, but maybe if I just keep going there is one that I will want to focus on.
I was talking to a friend about how it is hard to work on yourself sometimes. What I told her is that it is sometimes scary to think about who you might change into, but I think there is another reason. Sometimes it is hard to work on yourself because in order to work on yourself you first need to look at yourself in the mirror and face who you are, and that isn’t easy to do.
I think a big core wound or belief is that there is something wrong with me, that no one will actually like me if they know who I really am, that I’m weak and creepy and unattractive.
She Said I Made Her Day
Walking up to her out of the blue
On the streets of new york city
On the college campus
They both told me
I made their day
The next girl
Will think you are the one
She told me
And when I asked the girl
Lost in her own world
In a song she just found
Whether or not she thought I was attractive
She said yes
I felt she wanted to say more
But was too shy
Vision Challenge 3: Big Improvements
I just came back from standup paddleboarding and I feel really really good. Everything is clear and easy to see. I need to find a way to go and play on the water more.
I also was thinking about how if the eye is constantly in a state of contraction, we might need to do some sort of massage in order to help loosen and relax the ligaments and the muscles. I don’t know yet what kind of massage will work. All the current massages only target the areas around the eyes.
I wasn’t able to test my vision on my phone because it is out of battery but I tested on very small text on a book an the results are mindblowing.
12.5 cm to see clearly.
100/12.5 = -8 diopters