As I sit in the wreckage of my life
The pieces, strewn about the floor around my feet
I wonder
Has she read my messages
Does she now know
That it was all a misunderstanding
And that only by leaving
Did I finally draw out the truth
That could have prevented everything
I wonder what will happen next
And how I can stand up again
When all I want to do
Is lie on the ground
Curled up
Like a hibernating bear
Waiting for the summer
Today I got into a metal box
It’s not the kind you put into the ground
But the one that takes you from gate to gate
On the airplane filled tarmac
Except today I’m not leaving for a trip
It’s not a trip
It’s a move
And while it hasn’t quite hit me yet
Maybe I’m leaving a part of myself behind
Forever
Life though
Is always more gravel than dream
More grounded and real
Made up of experiences
Not places
Or cities
Austin
North Potomac
But I’ll miss them
Myself
My old comfortable life
That I snuggled in for so long
I’m afraid to grow up
Poke my head out from under the covers
I’ve been feeling that I need to take a bit of a departure from what I normally write in these workposts because I need to write more about my emotions, and let tools like my todolist take over the structured work elements of my day.
Caged
I feel caged in the prison
Of my own ambition
Unable to do anything
But work
Mindless work
Though I know I love work
It gives me purpose
I can’t shake the feeling that
I’m not happy
Some free part of me is no longer free
I’m starting to feel like a major issue with how I’m approaching life right now is balancing between structure and freedom. I created so much structure to assist me in achieving all my goals, but now I have too much structure. I feel the need to relax and indulge myself a bit and I don’t know how to hold onto both. I suspect there are too many challenges that I am splitting my attention between and the fewer the better. I will seek to finish as much work today as possible so as to not split my attention as much.
I think something else I’ve been thinking about is cleaning my apartment and making it something other than just work. Perhaps that would create the spaciousness and happiness I need. Maybe I need to go outside more, not to do anything in particular, just to walk and think about things. In fact, I wonder if I would worry about having a huge number of things to do if I was able to just walk and think about them.
On second thought, I will try one more day with my multitude of goals, I will not try to finish one to free up my attention. Instead, I will try to find a way to work on all of these goals walking, or at the gym hanging, or crawling around my apartment. Maybe I can make art too! Use art to work through any challenge I have. I will also focus on cleaning up my apartment as much as possible.
As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams
I was so caught up in listening to his objections
And explaining to him how it would be successful
I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive
I forget to tell it to him in a way
That he wouldn’t respond with judgement
And disgust
As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap
Not the energy
That created the great figures
He admires so much
As Alex Hormozi said (or am I just saying this?) everyone needs to know sales. Because sales lead to money and everyone needs money. If you don’t know how to sell, then you end up working for someone who does.
Before I try out the leads techniques on my coaching business, I am using it for my AI company.
And for that company, I’ve been feeling extreme pressure and stress around talking to my warm and lukewarm or cold leads.
I’ve processed some of these emotions and came up with some of a process:
The other part of this equation that I still am scratching my head about is delivering fast and big value. Alex talks about that but I don’t know what that value means, and I don’t know if I am allowed to give away things. I need to think about it some more and come up with some ideas. Perhaps my time can be split between developing value and content and reaching out.
I’ve been thinking of way to provide people value and the only thing I can really think of is having some time with me.
Maybe one way to think about it is I need to establish myself as an AI expert or someone with a lot of prior success. Perhaps one helpful detail is that I’ve worked with companies where we saw a 10x increase in efficiency in specific areas.
Maybe it would be helpful to show them the website as well for use cases or a list of ideas for their specific area.
Sometimes I hate her so much
I want to break everything in my house
Smash it to pieces
Hit her so hard
I can feel some sort of relief
In my heart
So angry
That she refuses to give me
The girl I’m so in love with
Instead
She makes herself hard to love
She thinks she is taking back control
That this is what confident people do
That she will somehow stop the pain
If she ruins everything first
She’s afraid
That she will disappoint me
She doesn’t know
That she was enough
That even in my anger
All I wanted
Was to get her back
That I love her
And I chose her for a reason
She doesn’t know
All her pushing me away
Makes me so angry
Makes me so sad
Scared
Tired
Tired of being forced to ask myself again
If she is worth it
Tired of feeling doubt
When I already know
That she is the one
I’m angry. I feel trapped at home, at work, and in my relationship. I am tired and uncomfortable like I have no personal space. I am taking charge today.
I don’t know what that means, but right now it means, that for the first time since I came back to my parent’s house, I am doing my daily routine.
Nowhere To Go
My parents
Hovering
Watching
Judging
Like glue stuck to my arms
My girlfriend
A ball of frustration and negativity
That I feel anxiety in my core
Every time she pulls at me
My work a clash between
Two fighting parents
With me stuck in the middle
Where is the space for me?
I feel several realizations come to me when I write about these emotions. First, the technique of taking space. I feel all my oxygen, happiness, room, and sanity is taken away by others. I feel like I’m making myself smaller to give room to others. The first thing I want to do is to start taking up space, making demands, and making myself big.
The second thing that I feel is important (and might give me a clue as to how I can make myself big, and not huddle real small), is remembering my boundaries and needs:
This already gives me a clearer idea of what is happening here.
I definitely feel a lack of honesty, time, and sometimes respect and empathy at home. In fact, maybe possibility sometimes too. In my relationship I feel lack of honesty, empathy, possibility, and time (and sometimes respect). And at work, I feel a lack of respect, honesty, empathy, and time as well.
I also feel that in every scenario, the key is wanting everyone to like me to not feel uncomfortable.
I caused most of these boundary violations to happen, and that is empowering because I have the ability to change them,
One of the things I want to do instead of wanting everyone to be happy and wanting everyone to like me, is approach people with my same values.
For example, if I want to be honest with someone, empathize with them, show respect, but let go of trying to control how they feel. If I want to be respected more, I can do that with empathy and honesty and respect as well.
This is far more empowering and less stressful because I am in control of myself. I can change how I approach situations, but I cannot control others.