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To Explore Love

Byjack
Who She Is For Me

When I’m with her

I feel I can be so ugly

So weak

So bad

So hurtful

And yet I feel safe

Like I can stop checking

Her face for signs of anger

Stop feeling ashamed, worried

It surprises me how calm I feel

When my mask is off around her

Her acceptance like a balm for my soul

Her love can

Make her helpless

Like the most beautiful creature

So vulnerable

She would endure

Pain if it means my pleasure

I like to explore life

And uncover it’s discoveries

Now I can have someone to share them with

It’s like

She can hear music in my mind

Of imagination, of beautiful ideas, of glory

And she smiles at me

Like we have a joke only we know

When I am struck with pain

Like an animal looking for its home

I seek her warmth

And her love is like a blanket

I can snuggle deep within

Protected from the world

Sometimes, we are just laughing

She’s shining as brightly as a star

It’s like the kind fun

You only find

As a kid on a playground

When she is hurting

I want to take her pain

Spread it around

So I can see her smile again

She is strong-willed

And I’m grinning

When she leads me by the hand

And shows me the world

Through her eyes

And all I can think sometimes

Is how much I love her

I Was Wondering What Would Happen If

I feel open

Like a canvas ready for paint

No future

No expectations

No obligations

Only action

Or no action

I didn’t pick up the phone

Except for the time

When I really felt like it

When I open my mouth

My words are driven

By the moment

In the freedom

Of saying fuck it

I’ll do what I feel like

I dream at night

For a relaxed afternoon

Sipping tea

And beauty

Both sweet and ordinary

When when I’m done wondering

We pass on

With happy memories

Like the lasting sweetness

Of a candy

Melted in your mouth

These two poems are comparing the feelings I have for two things – the girl who I want to wait for, and the experience of dating around that I want to explore in the meantime. I was trying to reconcile them and understand how they can coexist.

Some thoughts:

  • I used to think I had to be super upfront about not wanting anything serious when dating. I don’t think so anymore. I will only explain if asked by the girl or if there comes a time where I feel I need to explain it (she is getting too invested). Most girls don’t even care until they develop feelings since they have an abundance of men.
  • I used to reach out to people even when I didn’t want to (usually because I felt guilt since I knew the girl liked me and I didn’t want to hurt her/lose her). I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’ll basically treat them like guy friends. If there is something I want to say, or do with them, I will reach out. Otherwise, I’ll say nothing, make no effort.
  • I’m afraid that I will mess up the beautiful connection I have with the girl I am waiting for by dating. I decided to stop pushing down that fear. It is happening for a good reason. As soon as I feel scared, unsafe, or distracted I should just stop dating and refocus on her. I never went into this to replace her and I should keep her as my top priority.
  • I worry about meeting women so attractive I will forget about the girl I am waiting for. Honestly, this might happen at first, but I think at the end of the day, personality matters much much more to me. I think I would only be distracted by looks because I haven’t dated before. As long as someone is attractive ENOUGH, if I love them, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
  • Overall, I should worry less about hurting women since they aren’t like men (have only one or two women to talk to). They usually have lots of men and could care less if I stopped talking to them. I can still be compassionate without overcompensating (for my fear of being an asshole).

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My Heart Is In the Back of My Throat

Byjack
My Heart Is In The Back of My Throat

And it hurts

Like fucking hell

When I think she says

I need autotune

And a backing track

That everyone who told me I was a good singer

Was probably being nice

Probably joking

And laughed when I told her that I try not to sing around girls I like

Because they always seem to like me afterward, and I don’t know if they actually like me

Or my singing

I’m livid

The subtext is clear

That I’m stupid or naive

Too wrapped up in my own head I can’t hear my own recordings properly

That I’m somehow terrible despite all evidence to the contrary

I can’t tell if she is tone deaf

Or just has such a low opinion of me, she assumes I’m bad

Or simply has an extremely high bar for singers

She can’t see any of the beauty that most people see

She doesn’t get that look

That I see in people’s eyes when I sing

That focus

Like I’ve completely captured their attention

She’s not like the mean girl in class

Who smiled at me and said hi for the first time after I sang

Or the blonde girl on the bench

Who started talking to me

After she heard me sing

She wasn’t all the people who told me that they wished they knew how to sing

She’s like the girl at work

Closed off

Sitting at her desk

Grumpy

Always with headphones on

Or my friend’s ex boyfriend

Who was probably jealous

He couldn’t sing

Because he thought I was annoying

Even though my friend thought I was cool

She tells me

There is only one person

Who she liked when they sang

A girl who was her old friend

I wonder why

She is able to see the beauty in her friend’s voice

But unable to even stop herself from shutting me out

When I sing

Because out of all the people

Who I wanted to share this beautiful thing with

The one I wanted to pour my heart out to

The one I wanted to look at me in that way

When I sang

Focused

Entranced

Like in a spell

Was her

And my heart is telling me

She will never get it

She will never hear my voice for what it is

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Profit In Peace 18: Tired

Byjack

4 AM Again

It is 4 am again

But this time

I feel strange when I wake up

I feel happy when I read her messages

Then guilty

I am so tired

Her emotions are so attractive

My little sloth

Then I remind myself of the feeling

Of being trapped

Unable to leave

Into a life

Alone

Unhappy

Unheard

Anxious

I wonder if it’s her

Or me

That I feel so cold

Alone

I’m trying to understand the right thing to do

But as I write these words

I realize

That the right thing is to sit here

In my depression

Waiting patiently for the answers

To come to me

I Feel Sad

Because I love her

Her emotions like the ocean

I know her

Her little sloth fingers

And I still feel

It is over

I Can Be Brave

I feel overwhelmed

So many emotions

So tired

So much stuff to do

So little time

I tried to keep them down for now

But I realized

I don’t need to

I can work and cry

At the same time

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The Trifecta of Growth and Progression Down the Path of Truth

Byjack

There was a big journey I went down in terms of working on myself, becoming more mature and being able to live a free and meaningful life.

  • I started by thinking that you needed to meet your own needs
  • Then I thought you needed to be good at asking for your needs
  • And finally, I thought you needed to process traumas and emotions

But I realized that they are all part of the same things and have different parts to play.

In a way, everything is about not abandoning yourself and taking care of yourself. You surround yourself with people who you can talk about what is on your mind truthfully and emotionally. They help you understand what you need. You are able to then give yourself what you need and walk down further along the path of understanding different parts of yourself that are in pain.

From processing emotions, we can truly love ourselves, and the people around us, and be present in the moment.

There is a sense that being with people who don’t accept us, don’t allow us to feel safe speaking our truth is self abandoment. In a way, even if someone meets some of our needs (for example is attractive enough to make us feel special), if we settle for someone who doesn’t love us or allow us to be ourselves, we are putting ourselves down.

Not allowing ourselves to meet our own needs (for example, asking for validation from others because we refuse to give it to ourselves) is self abandonment.

Refusing to look deeper, and shielding parts of ourselves from the world (for example, keeping a confident outward appearance when we feel anxious) is abandoning parts of ourselves and placing the outside world’s comfort above our own.

Workpost 9: Depression

Byjack

I’ve been feeling that I need to take a bit of a departure from what I normally write in these workposts because I need to write more about my emotions, and let tools like my todolist take over the structured work elements of my day.

Caged

I feel caged in the prison

Of my own ambition

Unable to do anything

But work

Mindless work

Though I know I love work

It gives me purpose

I can’t shake the feeling that

I’m not happy

Some free part of me is no longer free

I’m starting to feel like a major issue with how I’m approaching life right now is balancing between structure and freedom. I created so much structure to assist me in achieving all my goals, but now I have too much structure. I feel the need to relax and indulge myself a bit and I don’t know how to hold onto both. I suspect there are too many challenges that I am splitting my attention between and the fewer the better. I will seek to finish as much work today as possible so as to not split my attention as much.

I think something else I’ve been thinking about is cleaning my apartment and making it something other than just work. Perhaps that would create the spaciousness and happiness I need. Maybe I need to go outside more, not to do anything in particular, just to walk and think about things. In fact, I wonder if I would worry about having a huge number of things to do if I was able to just walk and think about them.

On second thought, I will try one more day with my multitude of goals, I will not try to finish one to free up my attention. Instead, I will try to find a way to work on all of these goals walking, or at the gym hanging, or crawling around my apartment. Maybe I can make art too! Use art to work through any challenge I have. I will also focus on cleaning up my apartment as much as possible.

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She Knows

Byjack
She Knows

That calling is very important to me

That I only ask when I really want to

That I’m tired and lonely

That it’s excruciating to see her having fun

With others

When she refuses to play with me

That is why she gives me vague answers

In hopes that she won’t disappoint me

She knows

The lengths

I’m willing to go to

To make it work

Maybe she just cannot give me

What I need

Or maybe

When she’s upset

She cannot see anything but the negative

Forgets all the happy times

Forget the fun we had

How well we work together

Before she stopped listening

The love we shared

Before the angry words

How much she wanted to reassure me

Before she was afraid

How much she liked being mine

Before she wanted to push me away

The nights when she doesn’t want me to get off the phone

And told me I was right

That we always understand each other better

Be more real

On a call

I need rest

A very long one

Away from all of this

So I know 

What is best

For me

Focus on what I want

For a moment

It takes strength

To get past all the mess

To true understanding

And to part of a relationship

That is secure and loving

It’s like pushing an elephant

My feet are dug in

The struggle goes on

And on

Core Beliefs 4

Byjack

Today I will write a poem about the core beliefs on emotions pushing other people away and the I am bad core belief.

I Told My Mom I Was Sorry

I was feeling defensive

She made me feel

Uncomfortable

Like the stress she felt

Was being put on me

I lashed out accordingly

Hours later, I felt regret

I didn’t think it was her fault

She didn’t even fight back as hard

As she usually does

I wanted to be cold

And hard

But instead, I felt my emotions

And told her

I was sorry

That I didn’t mean anything I said

My mom is not good at apologizing

She finds it uncomfortable

But she looked at me

And told me

I know