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Her Anger Like A Fire

Byjack

Her Anger Like Fire

I felt her anger like fire

Burning in my face

Searing like acid

Felt the heat of it

Within her body

But all I could think of

Was the weight of the cold stones filling my heart

While I wondered

What happens

When love

Gives up

 

I realized something today. Sometimes when you love someone so much, you can’t give them space. Love needs space to grow, absence to remind you what it is made of. Sometimes, if you really love someone, you have to let them go. Even if it means they may never come back.

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Workpost 46: A Black Dragon Called Neelu

Byjack

Today I came up with a new emotional processing tool, finding a way to personify the feelings within me and making friends with them.

The goal is to accept and validate feelings within instead of trying to push them down or quickly process them.

Here are some examples:

  1. Valorant stress and anxiety (fear of being bad/defective, fear of failure) – a little black dragon called Neelu. The tension in my stomach and heart are the dragon’s body my frustration its fire.
  2. The feeling of being overwhelmed by the thought of work – Pedro the Triangle, a pyramid floating in my chest with sharp edges
  3. The desire/pull for attention or to be liked – Lethe the a sort of fast moving air or energy in my chest

These personification, I make friends with them, allow them to be with me while I go about my business.

I also wanted to talk about a really good video I watched.

Some lessons I learned:

  1. Stay consistent
  2. Figure out what you want to be the best at (good enough for others to want to pay you money)
  3. Figure out what comes before the money in terms that is more grounded and more closer to your purpose

Taking the final advice, I wanted to think about it a little more.

I want to make $200,000.

My two goals are:

  1. To help people turn their artistic gifts into masterpieces
    • Works of art that are honest, emotional, grounded, playful, imaginative, personal, and beautiful
  2. To make companies 10x more valuable
    • More purposeful, unique, efficient, intentional, innovative processes, brands, culture, products and leaders (consistent and aligned)

The question I want to ask myself is: how would I need to go about my goals in such a way that it would be strange if I didn’t make $200,000?

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A Strange New Place

Byjack
A Strange New Place

I got to a strange new place today

On the stop right after Heartbreak Hotel

Where I abandoned the dream girl

Who looked at me with soft eyes

In this strange new place

I found a place for the desire to blossom

To bloom without restraint

But the voice it spoke in

Didn’t need to be sexy and alluring

But a steady voice

They spoke of kindness and safety

A soft expression of that flamboyant love

The one the understood

That pain was part of the cage

Pain too hard too dark

For the mind to see any desire

As an invitation to an adventure

Rather than a prison

Of violence and terror

So hopeless

It cannot be faced

What a strange new place

Where the shamed can be accepted

Silently

Quietly

Letting themselves come to the surface in new ways

Passion as unwavering supportiveness

Fantasy as easygoing humor and happiness

 

This poem is about realizing that sexual love can be beautiful, adventurous, and happy. It doesn’t need to be suppressed. Yet it also can feel the pain of trauma, and be expressed as deep caring and supportiveness. It’s a strange new place because I cannot wrap my head around how it works even though it feels right and true.

Writing Prompt: Your Shadow

Byjack

Writing Prompt: What is a pet peeve and how does that relate to your shadow?

Today I was listening to a Youtube video about the Harry Potter houses and turned off the video because I could not listen to the voice of the YouTuber any longer. The way he was talking was so affected it felt like I was drowning in discomfort.

He would have an extra lingering syllable that would stick at the end of each word. Griffindorrra instead of Griffindor and thennnnna instead of then. I felt like his proclivities were clawing marks into my heart.

I was thinking to myself. I hate him so much, but I bet all the comments are people praising him and encouraging him to continue with this horribly affected speech. And then I thought, maybe some people actually like it. He did have a nice British accent.

I wondered why I couldn’t stand him.

I just felt this cloudiness this lack of clarity in speech and I despised that. The fakeness also made me feel uncomfortable. Do I judge myself for being fake or unclear? I don’t know but I suspect I do. To me, those two traits speak to the worst fate in the world, mediocrity.

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Like A Dried Pizza

Byjack

Like A Dried Pizza

There is a dried pizza on my table

The last piece that I didn’t eat yesterday

It’s dry and cold

I feel I know what the pizza feels like

Last night

I didn’t sleep

All night

Tossing turning

Hoping the audiobook was loud enough

To tune out my thoughts

I felt so sure

In my stomach

That this was the end of the road for us

She isn’t the right one for me

I don’t know how I knew

But I knew it was over

I asked her to reassure me

And I felt her warmth

Like a blanket for a shivering man

I love her so much

I think about how vulnerable she is with me

I know she’s ready to stay with me forever

You don’t meet someone like that every day

The sadness in me

For once isn’t about comparison

It isn’t about comparing her with someone else

It’s just telling me

I can’t be with her any longer

I can’t keep up this act

I feel tired

So tired of explaining myself

Of feeling misunderstood

Yet

I don’t know

Her devotion feels like the cure for all pain

What is a drop of discomfort

For a lifetime of love?

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Profit in Peace 21: A Break

Byjack

Today is my first break from work in what seems like forever. I have a couple of things planned for the break, hanging out with family, spending some time gaming, and hopefully sneaking in a few calls with my girlfriend.

I also want to spend some significant time on my Instagram and business.

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries and how to let go of taking responsibility for other emotions, and I’ve been thinking again on this idea of believing in everyone’s power over themselves.

I feel that when you feel that people don’t have the resiliency to handle situations, or the ability to overcome situations, or at the very least, learn from them, that is when you start to take responsibility for their emotions. How could you not, if you have the ability to handle your emotions, but they are not able to handle theirs? Sometimes, you need to just trust in the process. If they need to complain, get hurt, work through their feelings, something you need to trust in their process.

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Warmth

Byjack
Warmth

I feel the warmth in my skin

As if she is with me

Safe and soft

I love her

Because yesterday

She made me feel safe

She made me feel close

She made feel like she belonged to me

There are so many worries

So many challenges

Some caused by me

Some caused by her

And some caused by no one

Just by our circumstances

But when I feel her close

My heart feels like it wants to fly

And I feel

Warm