Similar Posts
Talking To Myself
I want to be able to face my pain. And there are a couple of questions I want to ask myself.
How am I feeling?
I feel really sad and heartbroken and lonely. I feel so much pain in my chest. I am angry and frustrated and depressed.
How can I be kinder to myself?
I need to give myself permission to ask for help from people. I need to ask people to distract me, to comfort me, and listen and understand why I loved her so much. I can try to forgive myself for hurting her.
Can I forgive her?
I don’t want to. I’m scared when I do, I will completely let her go. I will give up hope and move on. I want to think about how she can fix it. I want to blame her. I know she’s so loving and she didn’t want to be the person she was. She has a kind heart deep inside and really emotional and passionate.
Can I forgive myself?
It makes me really sad. I know I hurt her a lot, and keep hurting her over and over because of my ego. I feel ashamed that I need so much from her and keep asking her to give me more. I suppose I’ve been through a lot too. I had so much painful things happen in my life and it’s closed me off. I was more open to her than anyone else. I deserve to be happy too. I deserve to put my needs first too.
What do I need from her?
I need for her to tell me everything is ok. I need for her to tell me she loves me. I need for her to give me hope again that we will have a beautiful loving bond where I will have everything I need.
Can I give myself that?
It’s hard for sure. I don’t think everything will be ok. I don’t love myself either. And I don’t feel hope.
I’ll write a poem to try to do all those things for myself:
Love Again
When I met the first girl I was in love with
I was so much younger
Full hope and promise
And when it ended
I didn’t think I would ever recover
And I didn’t
Not for the next 8 years
And when I was open again
I met another girl
One who I can’t even express
How much I loved
So much
I’m crying right now
Thinking about it
Now it’s over
For the moment
But life moves on
Just like it did last time
Misaligned
Misaligned
It’s been bothering me
All day
All night
Nagging at me
This feeling I cannot place my finger on
Something
Misaligned
The easiest way to see this
Is how much respect
She has for her friend
Wealthy
Privileged
A liar
A cheater
Skips school
Steals for fun
Likes being toxic
Likes fighting people
“Winning” arguments
As if life is handing out prizes
For the most annoying waste of space
Yet somehow
These are not the traits she dislikes
But admires
She loves it when her friend buys her things
She also lies
Also likes to cheat
Also plays mind games
Skips school together
Is envious of the stealing
Tries to be even more toxic
Like fighting people too
She seems to respect her friend so much
A near high school dropout
She claims I won’t be able to handle her
That she will somehow break me emotionally
As if I don’t have years more experience
Intelligence
And self-awareness
And yet
Everything good in this world
That I love
Exploring the world
Learning about math and science
Reading books
Being kind and empathetic
Singing and dancing
Succeeding in school
Being smart and competent
Are all somehow undesirable
Somehow
Cringy
Boring
I don’t know
I’m confused
I don’t understand
What world she even lives in
How can I connect her world with mine
I still love her
And I have no idea
What to do next
It makes me feel
Confused
Afraid
Angry
Unhappy
Workpost 19: Rejection
I am slowly getting back into things. After completely messing up my bedtime, getting it back, getting sick, losing my bedtime again, I am finally getting back into the swing of things.
I want to refocus on the things that I set out to focus on: Health, AI Consulting, Art Coaching.
I want to have an 11-12 PM bedtime, journaling at night, morning walking meditation, and morning todo list and blog post.
Today on my morning walk I contemplated rejection.
You know I always felt that working on yourself made you more prepared for life in general and I always felt my fear of rejection was holding me back from a lot of things in life, initially from getting a girlfriend, but later from being a life coach.
Recently I had the experience of meeting with a client for a free session for which they were super impressed by but when I sent them my rates, they did not respond. This immediately triggered the rejection wounds within me. I also just had an artist interview who was late to our conversation, did not agree to the full hour, and did not want to schedule another time to complete our conversation which triggered rejection wounds within me.
I feel scared that if I ask for things, people will reject me. I’m afraid it will be awkward to talk to them afterwards, I’m afraid how others will view me after getting rejected.
This morning I came up with a couple of nuggets to handle and process rejection:
- Take up space: there is a part of me that wants to hide when people reject me. I want to take up as little space as possible. This concept is doing the opposite. I deserve to be here like everyone else. Take up space! Make the ask!
- Enthusiastic yes: I don’t want people to feel pressured. I am going to follow the philosophy on the Prosperous Coach. It’s either an enthusiastic yes, or its a no. Maybe is a no. And tell them that. If they are not sure, they know where to find you.
- Slow down: I realized this new revelation in Valorant has implications in life too. When I feel stressed about rejection and awkwardness, shame, and judgement, slow down. I usually try to speed up, to move past it. Slow way down, focus on what is going on before charging ahead.
- Stay busy, focus on the process not the outcome: one thing that I noticed, when I’m busy doing what matters, I won’t care as much about anything else. I want to focus on health, coaching and consulting. Don’t let anyone’s rejection take away from that. It’s like what they say about cold calling. Focus on the process, not the outcomes (focus on improving your process for cold calling, not for the outcome of every call).
In The Wreckage
In The Wreckage
As I sit in the wreckage of my life
The pieces, strewn about the floor around my feet
I wonder
Has she read my messages
Does she now know
That it was all a misunderstanding
And that only by leaving
Did I finally draw out the truth
That could have prevented everything
I wonder what will happen next
And how I can stand up again
When all I want to do
Is lie on the ground
Curled up
Like a hibernating bear
Waiting for the summer
I Wonder If I Ever Meant Anything
I Wonder If I Ever Meant Anything
I wonder if her words had any weight
Like sturdy old fashioned railcars laden with
Golden promise
Or if they were as ephemeral and false
Like the carcass of a shattered plate
Once with pleasing curves
And a sureness
Like that of unspoken feelings
I wonder now
If I imagined it all
And the distance was an ocean
That I mistook
For a puddle
A Penny From The Top of The Empire State Building
They say, that an oridinary penny
Dropped from the top of the empire state building
Will cut a hole through the concrete sidewalk below
The penny is in me now
Burning a hole
Through the bottom of my heart
These poems are about the fear that there was never a real connection, that I made it up in my own mind. I wonder if there was even the possibility of love, or if I was simply deluding myself.
I wonder what I wasn’t able to give her. Was I not attractive enough? Not fun enough? Did I not give her enough space?
Even If She Wanted Me Back
Even If She Wanted Me Back
Even if she wanted me back
I wonder
Will it be like before
No secrets between us
No unspoken words
Or will I feel like I’m on a sinking ship
The water at my chest
Threatening to drown me
The words she used to hurt me
Only hurt
Because I trusted her enough
To expose my naked heart
I know if she asks
I will try to open my heart again
But I worry
That invisible locks
Have already formed
To protect me
And she doesn’t have the willpower
To find the keys
I am scared knowing that the amount of pain between us may be too much to overcome. Pain is always an invitation for growth, but how much is someone willing to grow? I worry sometimes I made a huge mistake. I did it because of the feeling that it was over already. That staying would have been just trying to push along a dream, squeeze out the last bit of real connection that we had. I felt that I had to try to give things enough space for perspective. I wonder sometimes if she even has the capability to feel the love I felt for her. Whether it was just an obsession for her, when it was love for me.