Letting The Empress Take The Wheel

Byjack

My sister and I have this joke about the empress. According to a tarrot reading, my sister needs to rely more on her “inner empress”. What does this mean? Well apparently the emperor card stands for searching out and controlling the world, while the empress waits for the world to come to her.

This actually is in line with a thought process I had myself about being yourself.

Feeling free to be yourself = happiness. Feeling like you cannot be yourself is the root of ALL unhappiness. But how to be yourself is another very difficult story.

One way is a method I like to call, “Letting the empress take the wheel”.

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Goal Setting

Byjack

Today in the King’s council, part men’s group, part coaching session, we talked about setting goals.

I didn’t have an idea of what my goals are but a couple of visions came to mind:

  1. Coaching is a large part of my life. I saw about 3 coaching conversations with clients or potential clients every week.
  2. Youtube challenges being a large source of energy in life. I saw myself dedicating a little time every day to focus on an active challenge. This could be writing about the challenge, doing the challenge or shooting videos and thinking about the final video.
  3. I imagined feeling a lot more confident and in control of my challenges. I saw this as having successfully editing and posted a single challenge to youtube.
  4. I saw myself being outside and having a lot more energy. I would spend different parts of my day in different places.
  5. I saw my work-life come alive again. This meant posting posts on Linkedin every week, and engaging with people at work about my life outside of work.

I need to choose three main ones for the intention of the Kings Council.

I will choose the following goals:

  1. To have a powerful coaching conversation with three more people.
  2. To have one paying client.
  3. To have produced three challenge videos and posted them to youtube.
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Water In the Basement

Byjack
Water in the Basement

There was water in the basement today

My mom handed me a garbage bag

To throw away things

That we couldn’t wash

The saddest thing

Was a cardboard sculpture of myself

Because I knew

It was sodden and sad

Paper hair plastered on the side

Like a sad version of a bad hair day

I remembered when it was new

When my art professor told us about Chris Gilmour

The sculptor who used cardboard instead of stone

Intricate cars and motorcyles

Precisely detailed in warm brown

And gave us the assignment to create a sculpture of ourselves

But my sculpture

Wasn’t like Gilmour’s at all

It was all messy cardboard

Hot glued together

It didn’t look like me

But it felt like me

When I looked into the eyes

I remembered the way I felt

My mind was all stars and night and imagination

Some part of me

Is afraid to let it go

It’s a familiar sad feeling

Like what I felt when I let go of the girl I loved

Only

This time

The person I’m letting go of

Is the person

Who made the sculpture

Years ago

When I look at this sculpture that I made in wood and mixed media class, I remember what I felt in college. So young and full of promise. That I could be anything, do anything. That I didn’t have to think about the rest of my life. Part of me always wants to go back. And it is hard to admit that that part of my life is over.

I think about this when I wait for nighttime. It is nighttime when I will see how things are going to unfold. I hope she will show me her vulnerable side, her emotional side again. The parts of her that I knew I needed in my life when I first met her. But I know, I cannot force her to be that person for me. That there is a possibility, that she won’t. That she will be closed and I’m so sad that I may have to say goodbye to the person I was when I was in love with her.

Feeling Awful Waking Up

Byjack

Yesterday, I went to bed late. I didn’t want to wake up the next day.

Today was the next day. And it sucked. Just like I had feared. I was tired. I was stressed. I was an hour late to a meeting that was at 8AM.

Today I wanted to find a new solution. I want to find a different way to look at things. And I think I found it.

Here are the key parts of my new mindset:

  1. Think about how much money I want to make today from 0 to about $500. Think about what projects I want to work on that will be worth that much.
  2. Think about how I want to increase the value of the company I am contracted to – so I can have a success story and be paid more.
  3. Take care of myself. Make tea, go for a walk.
  4. Go to a nice place to work, go through my to do list. Create my workpost for the day.

If work is demanded early without having time to prepare, compensate myself an hour. Then bring blankets and other comfy things to my chair to make myself comfy and allow myself to wake up slowly.

To the People I Love

Byjack

Today I came up with a realization. I was sitting on the couch just tired of dating, tired of trying.

And I realized that I shouldn’t think of dating as just a chore that I have to do, something that is tied to an end goal. Dating and making yourself vulnerable, trying to go outside of your comfort zone makes helps you confront the deepest parts of yourself. Your insecurities, your fears. Dating will make me a better person. But it’s not just dating.

This is also true for many other things in life. For starting a business, a Youtube channel. Going to the clubs at night. Anything.

I wrote this post with one friend in particular in mind. She is someone really special who I love on multiple levels. And whether or not I ever date her, or if we will just be two people who love each other platonically, I know one thing for sure. I love her because she has accepted me and loved me for everything she knows about me, not just the shiny good parts everyone likes to see. I want to be the kind of person who is able to support her, just like she has supported me. In every way, I can. Emotionally, financially, and strategically.

But it’s not just her. I want to use my love for everyone that I love in my life as motivation. Motivation to pursue what I want despite the fear in my heart that I will fail. To be me, even when I am afraid of being rejected. To be so successful and have learned to embrace my emotions so deeply I can support them in ways they cannot fathom.

XOXOXOXO

To the future!