One day you will see How you were so focused On self-soothing On finding your comfort alone You forget that you ignored A man who loved you For a game So trivial You may lose interest in the next month For you, it’s a question of winning Of being right or wrong But for me It’s a question of love I wonder If I have so little self-respect To spend so much time Money Effort To cheer you up Just for you to go back to the game And put me second Or perhaps this is what love is And I should keep believing That you just need More time To see That you can let yourself Need me
I’ve been thinking about focus for some time now. I think about focus when I procrastinate. I think about focus when I mindlessly watch youtube videos while feeling anxious about upcoming work or projects. I’ve come up with theories about focus being about limiting the number of input (sensory deprivation and tidiness being great focus techniques) and how focus is different from concentration (when you use willpower to keep your mind constrained to one goal).
My thoughts on focus have recently coalesced on a different approach to focus. I first experienced this feeling with working out in my knee challenge. I realized that when I was feeling uncomfortable with exercise or just simply bored, I would start feeling really antsy and found it difficult to focus on the workout.
The solution was to tell myself that I would be doing this workout not for 10, 20 minutes. Not for 60 minutes. I told myself, I would be working on this workout forever. This mindset shift changed my outlook completely. Instead of rushing or feeling anxious and annoyed, I felt suddenly calm, and totally focused on what I was doing and what I was feeling.
I tested this mindset out recently when I was meditating and it seemed to be a shortcut to the meditative mindset. Instead of trying to escape painful or uncomfortable feelings, I assumed that these feelings would last forever. I would find myself slipping into a deep meditative state much much faster.
Paired with the taoist emptiness technique or mindset, I think this could be very useful in addressing the challenges I face a lot of these days with being overwhelmed and stressed.
I wonder if this is a big difference between kids and adults and why when we get older, we also seem to be less in the moment. When we are counting the minutes and seconds, constantly looking over our shoulder for the next task, instead of focusing on the one in front of us, we can lose the focus we are looking for in our lives.
Today I wanted to talk about a side of myself that I felt was missing. A part of myself that when I reclaim, I feel powerful and clear. Strong and true.
I’m talking about my darker side. The parts of myself, that until recently, I was afraid to face. The parts I locked away because I thought they were too ugly to look at. The anger, the hatred, the rage, the lust, the desire for control and domination.
I have a very hard edge that I hold back a lot of the time these days. I always try to approach everything from a positive light because I fear that if I let myself react in the way that I want to, bad things will happen. That I will be unlovable, hopeless, and lonely.
There is someone in my life, who I count very special who has been the only one to see clearly enough to embrace my darker side. Who understands how honest and real it is, despite the fact that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Who will understand instead of judging and admonishing when my darker self makes an appearance.
When I embrace my full self, I wonder how important youtube is. I wonder how important it is to win the approval of others. It makes me want to be less kind, that kindness simply feels overused and boring if I do it too much. That it is a drug and a sweet poison if I turn to it as a way to ignore the darker thoughts.
It makes me want to bring my hard edge into my youtube more often. It makes me want to be harder with the people around me. It makes me want it to pervade through everything I do and attempt.
I feel worried about posting about this topic since it can be kind of gross.
However, I feel that physical health is one of the most important things to understand in life as it controls your energy levels, affects your mental strength, and dramatically affects your physical attractiveness or beauty.
Tracking and problem solving my health issues will not only help me but may provide inspiration for others.
Digestion
Symptoms: bloating, gas, diarrhea, distended belly, sensitivity to cold, stress, and exhaustion
Brainstorm:
Raw ginger – seems to add an overall boost to blood flow (yang qi) and stomach circulation
Farmhouse Culture Gut Shots – tastes absolutely disgusting, feels like it may actually help
Unlocking/moving/stretching hips – ever since my knee injury, my hips are tight and contribute to the blockage in my stomach
Stomach massage – helps smooth out the knots and blockage points
Increase overall circulation – qi gong, running and cardio all help increase overall circulation and remove blockages overall
Activate digestion while eating – eat slower and smell food more
Eat less – to 70% fullness
Current Focus:
I need to improve my baseline before going after a specific treatment plan. The baseline will focus on two basic areas: overall circulation, reducing strain. The goals need to be very small so they are easy to maintain.
Circulation – eat ginger every morning, run around the block once every morning (minimum 5 min)
Reducing strain – focus on eating as little as possible, meditate once in the morning and night (minimum 5 min)
Hair
Symptoms: thin hair (but seems to be thickening), itchy scalp, hair falling out, dandruff
Very strange that my hair is thickening but falling out at the same time. Pretty sure my massage is working but the new hair growing in is so thin it falls out easily.
Brainstorm:
Vigorous scalp massage – increase blood flow and already thicken hair a great deal
Wash hair – more often, with cold water and apple cider vinegar if possible to reduce inflammation and increase circulation
Oil/fatty acids – use huge amounts of conditioner and castor oil to thicken hair and prevent breaking and falling out
Current Focus:
I need to cleanse and increase circulation
Wash hair every day with cold water and apple cider vinegar, need to use lots of conditioner to counter the stripping effect of washing your hair too much
Knee (injury)
Symptoms: afraid to put pressure or impact, no feeling at surgery area, pain
Brainstorm:
More movement – motion is lotion to the joints
Increased muscle mass around the joint – muscle is needed to support the joint
Gua sha – need to tear up the scar tissue around the area and increase blood flow
Warmup/loosen hips – hips are too tight reducing range of motion
Ever since I left my house and went off to college, it has been increasingly hard to go to bed on time.
It’s killing me. I don’t recover from workouts, my mind is foggy, and my memory mists away. My moods feel erratic and neurotic. Energy during the day is a thing of the past.
And yet I cannot stop.
2 am, 3 am, 4 am, 5 am. I keep going to bed late. And sometimes later and later.
I tried so many times to go to be at a reasonable time. I try for a few days, and then I relapse. But we aren’t giving up. We are trying it one more time.
And I didn’t do it alone. My good friend Edgar gave me this kick in the butt:
So what is my gameplan this time? How am I going to succeed when I failed so many times before?
A couple of things:
I will not try to control how much sleep I get
I will not try to control my screen habits
I will not control anything but one single factor, which is my bedtime
At the same time, I will figure out what needs I am meeting by going to bed late and how to meet those needs earlier in the day
I will commit to this bedtime long enough to form a habit
I made a list of reasons why I love staying up late at night:
Completely alone
Lots of time – no rush
Sense of accomplishment (if I feel I haven’t accomplished anything yet it gives me more time to get things done)
Consume art
Nighttime magical vibes
Dread of the next day
More time to eat and digest
I realized that not sleeping is incredibly compelling to me. It is far more challenging for me to go to sleep on time than most people. So as a result, I need to keep it simple. Bedtime at 11 PM for the next 66 days, no exceptions. The challenge will end on December 12th. I am two days into this challenge already.
What does this mean?
I can eat right before bed
I can watch videos in my bed after 11
I can get back up, stretch if I cannot fall asleep, then go back to bed
I can toss and turn at 11
I can get up at 6 am if I have work that needs to be done but I don’t have the time to finish it
In the meantime, in an attempt to meet all my needs before bed:
I will silence notifications and try to find some alone time every day
I will work to identify a task that is feasible to do and will give me a strong sense of accomplishment every day
I will try to get this done early so that I will have larger open times during the day where I don’t feel rushed
I will pursue more art and magical vibes
I will try to leave gifts for myself the next day so I have positive anticipation(ex: a clean empty sink, plans for something fun)
I will try to eat at 8 pm at the latest so I have time to digest before 11
In terms of how to structure the next 66 days, I have not decided yet, but perhaps I will try to focus on each of the needs and strategies every week.
Some additional strategies/thoughts:
Turning off all the lights
Melatonin gummies
So far, finding a way to feel accomplished/ready for the next day has been a game-changer in wanting to go to sleep. Also, it is easier to go to sleep when bedtime is a hard boundary that is very strict and everything else is quite relaxed (I can still get less sleep and wake up super earlier if I feel I’m not prepared for the next day, I don’t have to go to sleep as long as I’m in bed). Nothing is tempting as a valid excuse/difficult decision anymore.
So tentatively I feel this time will be different. My hope is that after 66 days, I will no longer have to try to go to bed at 11, it will just be automatic, and I will start to cherish my sleep and life in general!