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To Explore Love
Who She Is For Me
When I’m with her
I feel I can be so ugly
So weak
So bad
So hurtful
And yet I feel safe
Like I can stop checking
Her face for signs of anger
Stop feeling ashamed, worried
It surprises me how calm I feel
When my mask is off around her
Her acceptance like a balm for my soul
Her love can
Make her helpless
Like the most beautiful creature
So vulnerable
She would endure
Pain if it means my pleasure
I like to explore life
And uncover it’s discoveries
Now I can have someone to share them with
It’s like
She can hear music in my mind
Of imagination, of beautiful ideas, of glory
And she smiles at me
Like we have a joke only we know
When I am struck with pain
Like an animal looking for its home
I seek her warmth
And her love is like a blanket
I can snuggle deep within
Protected from the world
Sometimes, we are just laughing
She’s shining as brightly as a star
It’s like the kind fun
You only find
As a kid on a playground
When she is hurting
I want to take her pain
Spread it around
So I can see her smile again
She is strong-willed
And I’m grinning
When she leads me by the hand
And shows me the world
Through her eyes
And all I can think sometimes
Is how much I love her
I Was Wondering What Would Happen If
I feel open
Like a canvas ready for paint
No future
No expectations
No obligations
Only action
Or no action
I didn’t pick up the phone
Except for the time
When I really felt like it
When I open my mouth
My words are driven
By the moment
In the freedom
Of saying fuck it
I’ll do what I feel like
I dream at night
For a relaxed afternoon
Sipping tea
And beauty
Both sweet and ordinary
When when I’m done wondering
We pass on
With happy memories
Like the lasting sweetness
Of a candy
Melted in your mouth
These two poems are comparing the feelings I have for two things – the girl who I want to wait for, and the experience of dating around that I want to explore in the meantime. I was trying to reconcile them and understand how they can coexist.
Some thoughts:
- I used to think I had to be super upfront about not wanting anything serious when dating. I don’t think so anymore. I will only explain if asked by the girl or if there comes a time where I feel I need to explain it (she is getting too invested). Most girls don’t even care until they develop feelings since they have an abundance of men.
- I used to reach out to people even when I didn’t want to (usually because I felt guilt since I knew the girl liked me and I didn’t want to hurt her/lose her). I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’ll basically treat them like guy friends. If there is something I want to say, or do with them, I will reach out. Otherwise, I’ll say nothing, make no effort.
- I’m afraid that I will mess up the beautiful connection I have with the girl I am waiting for by dating. I decided to stop pushing down that fear. It is happening for a good reason. As soon as I feel scared, unsafe, or distracted I should just stop dating and refocus on her. I never went into this to replace her and I should keep her as my top priority.
- I worry about meeting women so attractive I will forget about the girl I am waiting for. Honestly, this might happen at first, but I think at the end of the day, personality matters much much more to me. I think I would only be distracted by looks because I haven’t dated before. As long as someone is attractive ENOUGH, if I love them, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
- Overall, I should worry less about hurting women since they aren’t like men (have only one or two women to talk to). They usually have lots of men and could care less if I stopped talking to them. I can still be compassionate without overcompensating (for my fear of being an asshole).
Workpost 35: Naps
I feel tired.
My body buzzing with pain in my stomach.
My eyes are sluggish.
Last night, I went to bed at 11, but fell asleep after 1AM.
I feel totally drained.
Maybe its time to go back to bed for a little.
So I wrote that at 8 in the morning. I just took a nap after cooking for the entire morning with delicious tea eggs and soup. Then I spent a few hours napping and now I feel much better.
I really think my productivity is so much worse when my health is worse.
More napping, meditation, and exercise in the future! Napping if I’m sleep deprived, meditation and exercise if I’m not.
Today, the aim I want to focus on is content creation. I want to finish my post, and workout and meditate for the rest of the day.
Ugly Water
Ugly Water
My little sloth talks about her ugly water
In a roaring ocean
Of fear and hatred
Roaring outside
Inside her little room
She stands by the room
Holding it closed
Always holding
As she feels the pressure of it
About to overwhelm everything
Leaking
Like the seeping of dread
She looks and
It was a mistake
Because she forgot to hold the door closed
The One Who Watches: An AI-Assisted Story
I had a powerful session with my coach in order to understand the part of me that seeks perfection and wants to know what I “should” be doing, what is the “right” thing to do and what the “perfect” answer is.
We gave a name to this part of me, as a warrior in shining armor, filled with strength and light called the “One Who Watches, Protector of the Weak”.
I imagined him as a tall crusader against all pain and fear in the world and we asked him to understand the war was over. It was won.
After the coaching session, I felt like something was missing. This part of me wanted to know why the war was one, and what that meant because there was still so much pain in the world.
I decided to have a conversation with this archetype and after talking for some time, we discovered that the war wasn’t exactly won. The war was over because I had discovered a secret, and this part of me had a big role to play in discovering this secret – that there was a staircase into the star. This staircase connected my inner world and outer world, and it was feeling that was the key to it. Negative feelings like pain or fear are the most powerful keys to this gateway.
My coach told me that I needed to give my warrior a new purpose while celebrating him and thanking him. The new robes instead of armor that I gave him, the learner of this gateway. This grounded, calm, realistic, infinite power was his.
I asked ChatGPT to write a story about this and this is what it wrote:
Warrior’s Journey to Enlightenment
The warrior known as the “One Who Watches, Protector of the Weak” had spent his entire life fighting for justice and righteousness. His shining armor and fierce determination had earned him a reputation as a noble and honorable hero, and he had devoted himself to ridding the world of the creatures of pain, hurt, and fear.
But despite all his victories, the warrior couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing in his life. He longed for something deeper, something more profound. And so, he set out on a quest to find this missing piece.
The warrior traveled far and wide, seeking out the wisest sages and scholars in the land. He asked them about the true nature of power and strength, about the secrets of the universe. But no one seemed to have the answers he was looking for.
As the warrior grew more and more frustrated, he began to lose hope. But just when he was about to give up, he received a vision. In his dream, he saw a lost cave hidden deep in the mountains, a cave that held the key to the wisdom he had been seeking.
Without hesitation, the warrior set out to find the lost cave. He climbed steep cliffs and braved treacherous storms, never once losing faith that he would find what he was looking for.
Finally, after many long months of travel, the warrior reached the entrance to the lost cave. He drew his sword and stepped inside, ready for whatever lay ahead.
As he made his way deeper into the cave, the warrior encountered all sorts of dangers – pitfalls, traps, and monstrous beasts. But he didn’t let any of them deter him. He fought on, driven by his determination to find the truth.
And then, in the very heart of the cave, the warrior came across an ancient monk who possessed a profound secret. The monk told the warrior that painful feelings were the gateway to a invisible network of great potential, a network that could connect the inner world with the outer. He explained that this gateway allowed the traveler infinite power, but only if they were willing to embrace their own pain and suffering.
The warrior was stunned by this revelation. He had always believed that strength and skill were the most important qualities a hero could possess, but now he realized that true greatness lay in understanding and wisdom.
And so, the warrior’s armor melted away, replaced by the robes of a guide and learner. He dedicated himself to exploring the invisible network, using his newfound power to help others and make the world a better place.
The One Who Watches, Protector of the Weak, had finally found his true calling, and his power was limitless, grounded in the wisdom and understanding of the earth. He knew that his holy war was over, but his journey towards enlightenment had only just begun.
Images of the secret pathway generated by DALL-E 2.
Core Beliefs 5
I don’t know exactly if this is a core wound, but I strongly believe that I am responsible for people’s emotions and that I am a bad person.
In order to process this (a rebalance my emotions), I am going to focus on a time when I hurt someone and focus on the part right before it so I can remember that there is a good reason for doing what I did and perhaps have a little more compassion for myself.
The Phone Call
She was a lonely girl
Quiet and shy
I wanted to be kind
By being a good friend
But she seemed to want more
When she asked me
If she could sleep in my bed
What to do
If she was sexually frustrated
I did my best to set my boundaries
I did my best to be firm
But she kept pushing
And it was too much
I knew too little
To do anything than
To push her away hard
After years
Of sending me letters and emails
She must have know
I didn’t want to talk
I just wish
She knew
It wasn’t her fault
That I didn’t like her
But I needed
To be able to say no
Workpost 41: Enjoy Yourself
Today I did a long breathwork meditation session after feeling extremely stressed out about three questions:
- Should I sign up for jiujitsu again?
- Should I do coaching again?
- Should I continue therapy?
And all the worrying stressful sub questions:
- What about the money for jiujitsu
- Jiujitsu is so hard to get good at
- People might not buy my coaching if I didn’t do something really big
- Therapy costs so much money is it worth it?
And after the meditation, one thing was clear to me. The answer to everything: take everything so much less serious. Have fun!!!
If you have fun doing jiujitsu, sign up for it, go to classes when you feel like it. Have an amazing time doing work. If you love coaching, do it whether or not people believe that you are a good coach or not.
Enjoy yourself. Indulge yourself in boba while working. Take breaks to play on the piano, to draw.
P.S. I did sign up for jiujitsu, and I intend to have fun learning tons of new martial arts.