A dear friend of mine who I was deeply in love with just cut ties with me. And I’m surprisingly calm.
Part of it is because I don’t think there is much left unsaid or anything I really regret about the whole friendship/relationship we had. I loved so many things about her. The way she made jokes, the sound of her voice, the patience and love she showed me at my worst. I will never forget that and I think she’s changed my life in ways she probably doesn’t even know.
I only wish she felt safe enough, trusted me enough, to tell me about how she truly felt. The worries, the emotions, the anger she was going through, I wish she trusted me enough to be open about it – so I could be as loving as she was for me and be closer today for it. In the end, she gave up on me – just like I had almost given up on her earlier in the friendship.
There are two things that still make me feel like someone is ripping apart my heart with a fork:
The fear that I wasn’t ever really special to her. That maybe she will turn around and say and do all of the things she said and did for me to the next person down the line. Maybe she has already found that next person. Maybe that is why she left. This hurts me somewhere so deep it’s hard for me to face fully.
The hope that she will come back. Hope is pure torture. I’m afraid it will drive me mad if I dwell on it too long.
There are more steps of grief, more growing I will need to do. But this is how I feel right now.
I believe that racial discrimination exists primarily in today’s day and age in two forms:
Attractiveness. We know attractiveness is partly biological, but it is also in large part cultural. White people are considered more attractive than other races. We also know “pretty privilege” exists and has a profound effect on how trustworthy, successful and smart someone is. We are biologically and socially hardwired to like attractive people.
Social economics. We know that white people own most of the wealth. We also know wealth is generational and can give you a huge advantage in life.
Let’s just run through a few examples:
Who has a better chance of being an actor? What about a tik tok star? An attractive person or an unattractive person?
Who has a better chance of being a banker? Or a real estate agent? Someone who’s parents are investment bankers, or if their parents worked at Mcdonalds?
I believe that affirmative action and other tools to remove bias are not meant to “even the playing field” or create an “equality of outcome” (even distributions) but rather to counteract biases that may be counter to the correct action or truth. For example, hiring a more attractive person even though they are lazier, dumber and have less experience.
I do believe that race can be very complicated and there are many instances that are not being considered here. However, I feel that those cases are more niche and require more thinking as to the best solution, such as:
Perceptions of blacks as more capable of crime.
Women not succeeding as much because of childbearing.
Broadly it is clear to me that this has two main implications:
Mainstream ideas about race discount the disadvantages of “ugly” low-income white people.
Mainstream race theory overcompensates for perceived roadblocks of “attractive” wealthy minorities (as they are not only privileged but are often touted as the beacons of hope when they are benefitting from the same system that is currently creating bias).
The only two things I would support affirmative action for would be affirmation action for looks (I don’t know how this would be measured exactly) and for social economic status. I believe that affirmation action in these two areas would:
Disproportionally benefit minorities as they are considered uglier and are often poorer
It would call attention to bias that we have very often in our own lives, a bias that affects our ability to make clear and rational decisions
We would see many competent and talented people who were formerly ignored, be brought to the top
Finally, I would say that all races and all people struggle with issues. There is little to no point in trying to make everyone happy. The main point is to somehow come up with a system where our biases have checks and balances that will guide us to making the most rational and clear decisions.
Being someone who has grown up a minority in America, there is a big wound racism creates within you, a feeling that there is something wrong with you. However, those wounds are opportunities to heal and become wiser, they are not something that everyone else needs to carefully tiptoe around (and be politically correct about). Wounds and pain are not bad things. We can show compassion without enabling people to not grow emotionally and not face their own demons.
This morning I had a very slow start. Seems to be the same for a lot of days.
I really really focused on the idea that everything could be turned into an advantage. And today, I realized that the reason why I have slow starts is because my stomach burns, aches, and has gnawing empty pain. It is so bad, it is hard to focus and feel motivated to work.
The opportunity this morning is to devise some techniques to help with my stomach and be able to test it with the worst possible conditions. In other words, if the techniques work now, they will work anytime.
I tried this video first, and it was pretty helpful.
Then I tried this video which was helpful, but too boring to finish:
Finally, I tried drinking hot tea, which seemed to help some as well.’
And then, even though my stomach starting feeling better, I ran into another problem with avengance.
This problem was simple. Absolutely no motivation to do anything, being that I still felt tired and overwhelmed. Instead, I wanted to play games and watch tv shows.
I’m going to take the same approach here: use this as an opportunity to test out some new ideas with productivity.
So I have many many techniques in this area already, but I want to innovate further today in a different direction instead of meditation, letting go, focus, etc.
I want to look at why, even in my overwhelmed state, do I want to play Valorant and Fallout Shelter, and how I can fundamentally apply the same things to the things I want to do.
Things I Want To Do
Consulting work
Linkedin posts
Coaching work
Working out
Before I forget, here are some additional mindsets I can add the useful pile:
Walking to vent stress, find peace, ask tough questions, get answers
Workpost is to innovate something
Main Reasons Why I Want to Play Valorant
Can work on a specific skill like aim, movement, gamesense
Want to level up really quick and be a top player
Inspired by demon1, tenz, oxy, and aspas – want to be the best as well
Like working with a team, getting clutch plays off, good vibes
Main Reasons Why I Want to Play Fallout Shelter
Get control of my vault
Satisfaction in optimizing my vault
Satisfaction in leveling people up, and getting new weapons
Why It Is difficult to get the same feeling with work?
There is no specific simple skill to work on
Nothing I want to level up in
No one to inspire me
No team to work with
Don’t feel in complete ownership of the project
In a hurry to get it done
What skills am I excited want to work on in terms of work?
Faster problem solving skills
Intuition + precise logic for accurate but rapid decision making
Ability to think deeper with less effort
Memory and recall with less energy
What do I want to level up in terms of rank?
Money
Intellect
Thought leadership
Communication and charisma
Who do I draw inspiration from?
Elon Musk
Alex Hormozi
Khalid Sharara
How might I work off my team more?
Showing off the results of my work
How might I feel more in control of my work?
Understand that charisma, leadership are part of what I need to own and protect my work, just because there are other players involved doesn’t mean I don’t own it
Using all this information, I want to develop a unit of work, called a “game” or “match” to simulate what I do in Valorant. In Valorant you play a match with a clear objective, and you warm up before the game, and take breaks after the game.
Game Structure
Warmup: 15 minutes
Use to do list, practice one skill at a time:
Faster problem solving/solution creation skills
Intuition + precise logic for accurate but rapid decision making
Ability to think deeper with less effort
Memory and recall with less energy
Main game: 45 minutes
Fights:
Capture questions and answers.
Level up in:
Money
Intellect
Thought leadership
Communication and charisma
Result Calculation:
How much do I think this work is worth?
How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10?
What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation?
Last night I was feeling some doubts about my coaching practice and I did some IFS therapy on myself to work through some of the shame and anger I feel around people rejecting my coaching or not seeing its value.
Today, I woke up feeling really tired but now I’m feeling good.
I’m working on stuff of my choosing and I really like it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my business lately and what the starving crowd and what I want to happen.
I feel like I’ve finally cracked the code a little bit about selling high-ticket clients and expensive products.
So after listening and reading Alex Hormozi for two days here is what I learned:
Charge an obscene amount
Use that amount to create a crazy experience
Solve a really big problem (to create really big value)
I think what really big value I want to create with my coaching is to help people create a masterpiece.
If I was to breakdown Alex Hormozi’s formula for value:
The dream: create an artistic masterpiece – a breakout piece (this will make you a career in this space a breakout piece, you will feel proud of yourself, you will be able to call yourself an artist proudly, this will be the best work you’ve ever created)
The certainty: I am an artist and engineer, I have a lot of experience coaching people through mental blocks, I will give you a guarantee.
The time: 1 year
The effort: without giving up your mental sanity, quitting your job, or disconnecting from family
Value of this offer: 250,000+
10-15%: 25,000 – 37,500
2,083 – 3,125 per month
Three stages:
Explore art
Establish your routine
Create your masterwork
Objections/fears:
I don’t have enough time
I don’t know what I want to do
I have kids
I don’t want to quit my job
I don’t know what other people will like, what if people don’t like it
Today I want to write a short post because I want to strike a better balance today between work and indulgence, between freedom and routine.
Yesterday I did have fun, but my need for productivity left me feeling stressed because I didn’t get much done. At the same time, I want to fully enjoy what I did yesterday which was play and watch a lot of Valorant.
If I’m able to do that, go outside and be more active, as well as go to sleep at a good nice, I’ll be pretty happy.
Right now, I feel like shit cuz I went to bed at 1am but that’s ok…I needed to unwind a bit!
So this is going to be a short post because I’m gonna get started with work right away. I want to get enough work done, that I can start trying out this working while walking outside and going to the gym and working on art.
I did this yesterday for a very little time and it was absolutely awesome. I drove to go get food and while I was walking I was asking chatgpt about a coding problem I had and thinking about it.
It felt really good. Productive, free, and fun! Now I need to take that code, implement it, make it work so I can be active again and solve the next piece of the puzzle.
I feel worried about posting about this topic since it can be kind of gross.
However, I feel that physical health is one of the most important things to understand in life as it controls your energy levels, affects your mental strength, and dramatically affects your physical attractiveness or beauty.
Tracking and problem solving my health issues will not only help me but may provide inspiration for others.
Digestion
Symptoms: bloating, gas, diarrhea, distended belly, sensitivity to cold, stress, and exhaustion
Brainstorm:
Raw ginger – seems to add an overall boost to blood flow (yang qi) and stomach circulation
Farmhouse Culture Gut Shots – tastes absolutely disgusting, feels like it may actually help
Unlocking/moving/stretching hips – ever since my knee injury, my hips are tight and contribute to the blockage in my stomach
Stomach massage – helps smooth out the knots and blockage points
Increase overall circulation – qi gong, running and cardio all help increase overall circulation and remove blockages overall
Activate digestion while eating – eat slower and smell food more
Eat less – to 70% fullness
Current Focus:
I need to improve my baseline before going after a specific treatment plan. The baseline will focus on two basic areas: overall circulation, reducing strain. The goals need to be very small so they are easy to maintain.
Circulation – eat ginger every morning, run around the block once every morning (minimum 5 min)
Reducing strain – focus on eating as little as possible, meditate once in the morning and night (minimum 5 min)
Hair
Symptoms: thin hair (but seems to be thickening), itchy scalp, hair falling out, dandruff
Very strange that my hair is thickening but falling out at the same time. Pretty sure my massage is working but the new hair growing in is so thin it falls out easily.
Brainstorm:
Vigorous scalp massage – increase blood flow and already thicken hair a great deal
Wash hair – more often, with cold water and apple cider vinegar if possible to reduce inflammation and increase circulation
Oil/fatty acids – use huge amounts of conditioner and castor oil to thicken hair and prevent breaking and falling out
Current Focus:
I need to cleanse and increase circulation
Wash hair every day with cold water and apple cider vinegar, need to use lots of conditioner to counter the stripping effect of washing your hair too much
Knee (injury)
Symptoms: afraid to put pressure or impact, no feeling at surgery area, pain
Brainstorm:
More movement – motion is lotion to the joints
Increased muscle mass around the joint – muscle is needed to support the joint
Gua sha – need to tear up the scar tissue around the area and increase blood flow
Warmup/loosen hips – hips are too tight reducing range of motion
