Core Beliefs 5

Byjack

I don’t know exactly if this is a core wound, but I strongly believe that I am responsible for people’s emotions and that I am a bad person.

In order to process this (a rebalance my emotions), I am going to focus on a time when I hurt someone and focus on the part right before it so I can remember that there is a good reason for doing what I did and perhaps have a little more compassion for myself.

The Phone Call

She was a lonely girl

Quiet and shy

I wanted to be kind

By being a good friend

But she seemed to want more

When she asked me

If she could sleep in my bed

What to do

If she was sexually frustrated

I did my best to set my boundaries

I did my best to be firm

But she kept pushing

And it was too much

I knew too little

To do anything than

To push her away hard

After years

Of sending me letters and emails

She must have know

I didn’t want to talk

I just wish

She knew

It wasn’t her fault

That I didn’t like her

But I needed

To be able to say no

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The Knee Strength Challenge

Byjack

I’ve had knee problems for my half of my life. I wanted to get the motivation to heal the knee. It started with the Knee Mobility Challenge, which by the way wasn’t even my first knee challenge. Then I started to work on my overall fitness and knee motivation with the JiuJitsu challenge.

This is sort of a continuation of that.

My current goals:

  1. Lift up my knee and bend it feeling stable, comfortable and strong
  2. Stand for 5 minutes while feeling comfortable
  3. Lay on either side feeling comfortable and relaxed
  4. Sit on my heels while feeling comfortable and relaxed
  5. Be able to jump feeling stable, comfortable, and strong
  6. Able to kick a roundhouse while feel stable, comfortable and strong
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Profit in Peace 25: Traveling

Byjack

I’m now on the road and I feel absolutely exhausted. Tired from the travel to Austin, tired from not sleeping well, tired from getting up early today, and not sleeping well again.

I really want to just sleep and sleep for a long time.

Other than sleeping, I want to focus on taking care of myself, this means sparing no expense, and getting myself what I need when I need it.

This means fulfilling my needs through my values of Health, Freedom, Honesty, Respect, Empathy, and Ambition. This means using connection theory on myself.

The Gravel Road

My body feels like a gravel road

Worn and crunchy and bumpy

My eyes hurt

My energy spent

Tired

Yet scratchy throat

Sore knees

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Valorant 5: Trying to Do Movement Based Aiming

Byjack

I’m back from two weeks of traveling and I finally tried it. Movement-based aiming.

It was quite a challenge let me tell you!

Game 1-3: Competitive Games on My Smurf (Comps)

Comp 1: Horrible, terrible no good very bad game. Practiced clutching since the Cypher was completely being annoying, toxic, and throwing (trying to sabotage our team). Was fuming by the end.

Comp 2: Much better team, still missing everything and being horrible.

Comp 3: Finally got a nice team and was able to focus on movement-based aiming.

Comp 4: Bad aiming. Focused on Sova utility. Hit someone with the ult using pure gamesense. 

Main Takeaways

  • I need to follow my previous concept of feeling out the unknown parts of aiming in a controlled setting (deathmatch or shooting range)
  • I’m much worse than before break, probably Bronze 1-2 level.
Game 1-3: Deathmatch Practice (DM)

DM 1: After practicing in the range, I realize that moving only the movement keys to aim is too hard. I need to do a little micro-adjusting with my mouse. I feel like I need to be looser about my mouse movement, when I intuitively move it in the opposite of my movement, I get some nasty headshots. Mostly I get destroyed.

DM 2: Still getting destroyed. I start to understand that movement-based aiming is basically what the Miyagi Do method is teaching.

DM 3: I realized that I need to make sure it’s not just about the movement and feeling that out. Aiming is about TIMING. I spend the entire deathmatch feeling out timing and it starts to be more clear. I am successfully about to “feel out” the aiming on a deep intuitive level like art or dance. 

Main Takeaways

  • I need to constantly move. Movement is something I will also need to practice getting a feeling for.
  • The movement of the crosshair should be with movement, smooth and intuitive.
  • You need to feel the mouse-hand connection, your posture, and your sensitivity. Shift to what feels good, shift to what feels clear and controlled.
  • Timing is absolutely key. Dying is not a problem. Waiting for the right moment is much more important. If you are getting killed first, that’s to be expected for good timing. Your timing will naturally tighten and your time to kill will go down without feeling rushed, out of control, or unclear.

I’m soooo happy!!!

I’m starting to “feel out” aiming just like I feel out drawings, dance and sales processes.

Here are the main takeways:

  • The main goal of practice sound is able to “Feel Out” and play with the mouse to crosshair connection, how to smoothly track, strafe your crosshair while moving, and shooting moving things. Play around with it, feel it out.
  • The Miyagi Do method is the main method you use to practice. However, you don’t just feel out the movement. You also feel out the timing. This is key.
  • I tend to rush and even if I get a kill, it doesn’t feel natural, in control, and comfortable. Dying is always preferable to bad timing. Since timing will get tighter, spamming will make sure you never improve.
  • The next things I need to feel out are:
    • Gun spray control
    •  Gamesense
      • watching the minimap
      • understanding timing
      • guessing what they will do next
      • Isolating 1v1s, only peeking as much as needed
      • Switching between primary and sidearms
    • Movement
      • How to jiggle and peek safety
      • How to get on top of things
      • When to pull out your knife
      • Agent movement abilities
    • Ability usage
      • Lineups
      • Timing and combos

I’m extremely confident that this method will NOT ONLY make you a monster after warming up, but every warmup will make you internally better at aiming (to the point that you will need to warm up less and less to have insane aim).

Deep Reflections Late At Night

Byjack

I was in a men’s support group tonight and I was mulling over some of the recent discoveries I had:

  • I realized that the right person in your life will be someone who will accept everything about you. Someone who isn’t like that may just not be right for you.
  • I usually walk away at the first sign I feel someone doesn’t understand me. I learned not to give up so quickly if it’s someone I love. If they care about you, they will try to understand. It may take some time, but they will. 
  • I realized I have a very deep-seated hatred of women that is shoved down so deep I didn’t know it existed. I feel this has affected my life in profound ways and I want to explore this deeper and understand why.
  • I realized that the way I work myself to death isn’t healthy and I need to find a better way.

I chose to explore the last realization – how I approach work. Through the discussion and coaching, I realized the following:

  • I feel deep shame for asking for help because I feel like this means I’m not good enough and disorganized.
  • I think of everything in terms of lone wolfing everything  – when in fact I work on a team. The work I do benefits the company I work for, my colleagues and my customers (as I believe in the product).
    • There is no shame in asking for help.
    • In the past, when I used to troubleshoot customer issues, I would work until 4 am in the morning and not feel like it is work because I know who it is for, and how  I am helping them (I felt good about it).

I resolve going forward, that every time I get overwhelmed and feel the urge to procrastinate I’ll do the following:

    1. Ask myself who I am helping
      • Myself for the money and experience I will gain
      • My family, and friends because of the money and time, and experience I can share with them if I succeed at my work
      • My colleagues for how my work will benefit their lives and careers
      • My customers for whom my work will transform their businesses and their personal careers.
    2. Focus on doing the work to help them (not just to get it done).
      • I will never forget the story of the teacher who said the moment that teaching transformed for them was the moment that they stopped trying to teach, and focused on helping their students learn. This feels like that moment to me.

I need to be kinder to myself. To enjoy my life when I’m tired and my body is hurting. I should eat out, take breaks, watch tv. There is no shame in asking for help. I’m on a team. Most of all, I should focus on how my work will help others not just myself.

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Workpost 13: Inspired

Byjack

I feel tired. And yet I feel so inspired.

I ran with the ideas last night, of dance and music and I can say I feel extremely sad. Something about how much I miss this part of me. I feel sad about the weight I’ve been carrying around for so long. I feel sad because sadness acknowledges the pain in the world without shying away from it.

I watched this video last night:

I remember in art there is no right or wrong way to go about something. Just like in life. I feel we forget that a lot.

For some reason, I feel the desire to write stories. Here is a space for some freewriting:

A shark was washed onto the shore. That was the day when I asked my next door neighbor Amy to marry me. We were both 12 at the time. Amy was a quiet sort of girl, not shy, just took a while to think about things before she talked. When she did, she didn’t say much.

She looked at me up and down as if she was trying to size me up.

“So what do you say Amy?”

I wonder if this is how the shark felt. He was already dead when he was on shore, but his eyes seemed to look at you as if to say…well? What’s up?

“I don’t know,” Amy finally responded. Her fingers figeting.

“You don’t know?”

“Yea.”

“That’s ok!” I said. I was 12 and I felt invincible…

I feel sad because of how much of this I repressed within my self.

In terms of work, I feel I’ve done the experiment and I can officially say to myself, working on too many things at the same time does not work towards my strengths. I think I need to focus on one focus every day. If I get to a second one, then that’s good. Also, I can have many low effort progress toward every goal, but it can’t be the main focus.

In doing one main thing, I might be able to go to bed much sooner which is something of great concern to me.

Jiujitsu Challenge? Knee Challenge

Byjack

Ok, so I no longer have an ongoing jiujitsu challenge, and I don’t really know if I have a knee challenge or not.

However, I really want to start that now. I feel really good about my progression.

It all started with 10 round Tuesday.

I went 3 rounds (2 days ago on the 21st). I absolutely died. I didn’t recover from feeling dizzy and like I was going to throw up for an hour after that.

I ate food when I got home, and slept like a baby after.

Ever since, I went to jiujitsu everyday.

On wednesday I was feeling super undermotivated, but I found an old training buddy and it was actually a good time.

Today I had even more fun.

My stamina seems to be increasing fast. I’m sore everyday and I still feel fine.

My knee feels good. It doesn’t hurt every day.

It feels strong. I feel like I can push myself more now.

My knee therapy and techniques around walking backwards, shifting my knee to be more balanced, stretching the hips and pointing the knee in the direction of the knee. AND IT’S BEEN WORKING.

I learned a lot from live rolls:

  • Don’t let someone get a completely dominant position, interrupt their attacks, move to the side
  • Don’t let your arms separate too much, too easy to armbar
  • Don’t let both arms get trapped above your head, too easy to armbar

I’m learning some basic attacks, armbars, leg locks, chokes.

Very cool stuff.