Taking Care of Myself

Byjack
Taking Care of Myself

It’s the hardest thing

The first instinct is to fix it

To figure out what would I need to do

To make it work

It’s hard to let that go, and take time for myself

To do the things that I need to do

I’m starting to figure out the mystery of why I lost motivation

And that clarity gives me hope

My first instinct would be to tell her

What was missing for me in the relationship

What I need for me to want this again

But maybe she doesn’t want to hear it

Maybe it’s too much for her already

And I know it is too soon anyway

I need to forgive myself

Be loving to myself

Sleep

Take care of myself

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Sales Conference Health 3: Transitioning Home

Byjack

Yesterday I came home, and I felt that I met my goal. I literally felt better than when I first left home.

Now, this fact was immediately undercut by the fact that I went to bed at 3:40 AM in the morning. I was dealing with a great deal of discomfort, perhaps from being home and the taxi ride where I felt like I couldn’t leave. The taxi driver was trying very hard to preach Christianity to me. I feel perhaps the permission exercise may be helpful here in order to give myself permission to leave, but also to stay and feel trapped.

Today when I woke up I felt completely horrible with lower back soreness, stomach issues, dry eyes and tense shoulders and back. My throat and nose felt acidic and burning and I felt sick.

I did the warmups in order of massage first, then stretching, then range of motion. I feel that I can take the warmup much further, so today, I did mental warmups and vocal warmups.

I wanted to do this mental warmup but it felt exhausting. I feel that I needed more of a meditation but maybe my mind just needs to be warmed up more.

Thoughts on The Video About Mastery

Byjack
  1. Mastery is about feedback not just repetition as I always thought (with Valorant, then with language learning)
  2. People are bad at predicting things with randomized scenarios such as stocks, maybe it’s important to understand how to play the averages
  3. My thought is that people have a hard time predicting things that happen only once (presidential elections)
  4. I think lots of learning comes from motivation, finding it fun is HUGE is making you better and better

I Made Myself A Deal

Byjack

When I left, I made myself a deal. If it was meant to be, she would reach out and try to make it work. If it wasn’t, I would at least set both of us free to pursue our lives.

If it wasn’t meant to be I wonder why. I told her she could be forever for me. When I had her, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. But now I feel more alone than ever. I wonder if she can even love a man with her trauma. I wonder if she’s more immature than I thought. I wonder if I wasn’t able to give her what she needed. She wasn’t after all, able to give me what I needed.

All I can do is sit and try to feel the feelings of heartbreak, anger, shame, and fear. And enjoy creating art from it.

Today created a video to myself.

Sometimes we don’t always win. Sometimes we have to be ok with losing. Sometimes we have to be ok with not being good enough.

Valorant 38: Back To Structure

Byjack

Today I am back to following the structure I set about in Valorant 30 but with some edits.

UNIT 1: VOD Review

  • Day 1 – Apas – 6/3/23
  • Day 2 – Klaus – 6/4/23
  • Day 3 – Yay – 6/5/23

UNIT 2: Map Understanding

  • Day 1 – Lotus – 6/7/23
  • Day 2 – Split – 6/8/23
  • Day 3 – Bind – 6/9/23

UNIT 3: Mechanical Breakdown

  • Day 1 – Crosshair Placement – 3/15/23
  • Day 2 – Flicking – 3/16/23
  • Day 3 – Spray Control – 3/17/23
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Workpost 36: Satisfied

Byjack

I feel tired today. Back is stiff. Eyes are blurry. Fatigue racks my body.

At least today, I tried to nap and relax in the morning. Will, try to continue today.

My goal is to feel satisfied enough by the end of the end so when I enforce strict bedtime at 11PM, I will feel good about it.