Taking Care of Myself

Byjack
Taking Care of Myself

It’s the hardest thing

The first instinct is to fix it

To figure out what would I need to do

To make it work

It’s hard to let that go, and take time for myself

To do the things that I need to do

I’m starting to figure out the mystery of why I lost motivation

And that clarity gives me hope

My first instinct would be to tell her

What was missing for me in the relationship

What I need for me to want this again

But maybe she doesn’t want to hear it

Maybe it’s too much for her already

And I know it is too soon anyway

I need to forgive myself

Be loving to myself

Sleep

Take care of myself

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Core Beliefs 2

Byjack

I have no idea how I’m going to do this today but I’m going to try. I feel so shitty about myself right now. Maybe I’ll add another core belief.

Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)

Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):

  • Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I think I look quite handsome
  • With online dating when I took better photos, a lot of girls liked me
  • When I was in college, I once hit on a girl who won a beauty pageant and she gave me her number, we flirted really hard for a few days but ended when her dad found out
  • When I was in art class, one of my friends told me that when he asked a bunch of girls in our class whether they would choose me or this guy called Michael, they all chose me (and said the choice was obvious) even though Michael was taller (and better looking in my opinion).
  • A really beautiful girl in college in my art class who I liked at first invited me to her apartment for dinner when we were flirting.
Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away

Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):

  • Once I was mad at my mom and I wanted to stay mad at her, but instead, I told her I was sorry and that I didn’t mean it. She told me that she knew I didn’t mean it and it was so sad and sweet. Usually, my mom is really hard and unwilling to show emotion.
  • I cried for the first time in a very long time recently and it helped me move on from a major heartbreak. It also brought all the men in my support group closer to me.
  • Being vulnerable and showing my emotions is what got me into the longest-running relationship I have ever been in. Even if it has issues, the emotions really made us close.
  • When I complained about being upset to my friend in my art class, she seemed to feel closer to me when she comforted me
  • Another friend in art class told me I was able to read her emotions very strongly. I felt so much sadness from her, I changed the subject before I would start to cry.
  • A co-worker from work once started crying when she opened up to me about how she didn’t seem to be able to get it right with her relationships. She is usually very emotionless but I think she opened up to me because of how accepting I am of emotions.
Core Wound 3: I am a bad person (it is my fault that I hurt people)

Evidence to the contrary (I am a good person, and it’s not always my fault people get hurt):

  • I’m always looking to mentor new people at my work who seem to be having trouble
  • I found a new career path that makes sense for someone who is lost and I really care about
  • I always try to give up my seat on a bus for someone who is old or injured
  • I’m trying to make a difference with the environment at my workplace
  • I stayed around to help my grandmother get to the hospital and offered to give my parents thousands of dollars to help pay for her medical costs

Workpost 74: Mondays

Byjack

Today is a Monday, the start of the week. I feel tired but pretty good overall. I did not sleep much last night, but constantly going outside has done wonders for my energy levels.

Ok time to go through the questions from yesterday:

  1. How am I going to balance contract work with my businesses tomorrow? Well I just need to solve the first part of the harder coding problem, then I should be good for tomorrow to finish up.
  2. What can I do to make sure I get enough sleep for jiujitsu? I don’t need to go to jiujitsu today, but going outside helped with the exhaustion as well as taking a nap.
  3. What is the plan for getting customers for my businesses? I have some lead magnets planned out for art coaching, just need to find events in which to meet people.
  4. Should I sign up for a consultation with a Fiverr coach for javascript? Should I work first to get an understanding of full stack? I think first I get a primer on the full stack.
  5. Should I start looking for someone to build my coaching website? Nah, but soon.
  6. What can I give away at the fairs? The main this is free planning sessions to plan out dream creative project and business cards.
  7. What is the next step for my woodcut art style? What is the plan for the business cards? The plan is just to work on them as I can while I sign up for speaking engagements and fairs for networking.
  8. When am I going to create my powerpoint for my coaching website outline? ASAP, this is probably more time-sensitive than the business cards.

The Way Star Signs Might Work (A Theory)

Byjack

One of my good friends is obsessed with star signs and by proxy, I’ve gotten pretty into them as well. However, I’ve had my doubts. While it seems possible they actually tell you about what kind of person someone is (although I find it to be far less precise than systems like Myers Briggs and the Enneagram) one thing has always bothered me. Star signs make no logical sense.

How can the position of the sun and the moon determine your personality? Do all people who are born at the same time and place have the same personality? Where did they even come up with the correlations? Isn’t this based on mythology?

The first thing you should know about star signs is that everyone has multiple signs. The sign that most people focus on is the “sun” sign (basically the positioning of the sun when you are born) as it is supposed to be the dominant sign. However, there are signs for the positions of all the planets and the moon.

The three most “important” signs according to astrologers at the Sun, Moon, and Ascendant signs (in that order), and actually gave me this idea of why star signs are not completely bogus.

The Sun, for example, is dependant on the month of the year you are born, the moon the time of the month, and the Ascendant the time of day and location of your birth.

What first got me thinking was that it occurred to me that the personality attributed to each sun sign seemed to match the general climate and weather of the months the signs were connected to. For example, Capricorns are people born between December 22nd and January 20th the coldest times of the year for many places. Capricorns are incidentally known for being cold, calculating, and driven by a need to succeed. Taurus, known to be easygoing and mild are born April 20 – May 20 the most warm and mild times of the year. Leos are known for their fiery passion and confidence are born between July 23 – August 22, the hottest times of the year. 

I asked before how everyone born at the same time in the same place had the same personality – perhaps they DO in some small part. Perhaps the climate and the time of day and month, the location on the planet have a profound effect on who we become and what we like because it determines the environment we are born in.

It is not inconceivable to me, for example, that babies born in winter may grow up to be harder colder, and more driven people (as a large generalization). And it’s not inconceivable that people born with the same Ascendant sign (with the same time and place of birth) might share a thing or two in common.

Even more beautiful is the thought that just as the position of the sun affects us with our seasons, perhaps the position of ALL the stars and planets affect us in some way – even if the effects are unseen and mysterious. Perhaps we are more a people of the stars than we know. I know I’d love to believe that.

All The Nice People You Meet While On The Road

Byjack

There are so many nice people I meet along the road if I’m just being myself and open to people.

When I was on the plane to Napa Valley I sat next to a couple. The girl got really excited when I wanted to draw with my fountain pen because her boyfriend said she loves that stuff and was an art major like me. I couldn’t get the ink of the pen and but got ink over my hands. She gave me her wet wipe in order to wipe ink off my hands. Her boyfriend lent me a pen when I asked for one to draw with. She braided her hair to show me how braids work because I wanted to draw a character with a huge braid. She offered me her chips when I said I was hungry. She was teasing me so much and was so friendly it actually got a bit awkward with her boyfriend who didn’t seem so pleased.

When I was hiking on Napa Valley, I told a couple that it was worth the view but I had to come back down because I didn’t bring any water. The girl asked me if I wanted any of her water, and asked me if I had to cup to pour it into. Then she and her boyfriend tried to help me find a water fountain.

Also when I was in Napa Valley, I forgot to bring a pen with me to draw with. I asked the girl at the front if I could borrow or buy one. She pulled out a packet of pens and just gave me one.

When I was in Austin looking at apartments, the girl who was showing me apartments told me about how Oracle was buying the apartment complex and that she wasn’t supposed to tell me. She told me I had a really nice vibe. I feel bad because I may have gotten her in trouble because when we got back to the office, I asked her about the Oracle acquisition REALLY loudly because I forgot and she put a finger to her lips and looked really nervous. I was mortified.

When I was in Houston taking photos on the rooftop, I was feeling awkward because everyone there was in their own groups talking and they are all from Citi bank but I was taking photos by myself with a tripod. When I got in the elevator, two girls were telling me how they saw me shooting photos. “You got some good shots right? We saw you,” they told me. One girl said she was calling me the other girl’s brother since she also takes pictures. She asked me whether I lived in the area, and I told her no that I was visiting from DC.

When I went to a Chinese restaurant in Houston and I was struggling to figure out what to order, the waiter came up and asked me what I wanted to order. He asked me if I was Chinese, and I responded in Chinese. He asked me if I was born in China or the US and I told him I was born in Denmark and he said it was a nice place. He said he was from Hong Kong. “I can make something Chinese style for you”, he said and made me a custom dish with eggplant, chicken and string beans. I asked him to take a picture with me, for the memories. He agreed and asked me mine name. He told me his name but I only remember his surname (Leung).

I think back to the guy who asked me yesterday whether or not I was a Youtuber and I think I was so busy being self-conscious and embarrassed, that I closed off the chance that he could have also been a nice person. Even after I told him I had 300 subs, he said to me to keep up the good work. I was just so embarrassed I got out of there as quickly as I could.

Unsure of What I’m Doing in France

Byjack

* I wrote this on Jan 15th…gonna leave it as a journal entry for now.

I feel unhappy right now. I feel like I can’t work on the things I want to work on. I feel stressed out that my relationship won’t work out. I don’t know what I’m doing here in France. I actually very much dislike the country. I am worried that coaching is not the thing that I actually want to do. I find it hard to find myself and feel myself in this relationship. I wonder if that is because of me not knowing myself, coaching not being the thing I want to do, or if this is the wrong place for me.

Right now I don’t feel like working on coaching or thinking about coaching.

I want to work on something that is purely interesting to me and something that is actually fun.

I think that thing right now is making a story creation bot in python using large language models.

In order to write a halfway decent story, I believe you need a couple of things:

  1. Strong characters
  2. Strong plot
  3. Premise, moral or lesson
  4. Great dialog

Figuring out the How To Video Type: Meditation Video

Byjack

I want to figure out how to make the how-to-video type.

The first video I want to make is how to meditate.

Who I’m making it for: A friend at work who asked me about it

Why it matters:

  • Meditation has many benefits:
    • Calmness
    • Clear mind
    • Faster thinking
    • More energy

    • Deeper breathing

When to do it:

  • Tired, overwhelmed, stressed, procrastinating, upset

What you need:

  • Quiet place
  • Ideally, place to lie down
  • A good soundtrack to focus on
  • At least 30 minutes for beginners, at least 5 minutes for advanced meditators

Fundamentals for mastery:

  • Let go of any plan
  • Be patient
  • Wait for the answers, the feelings, the thoughts come to you
  • Focus on the sounds or the sounds of your breathing if you start to feel uncomfortable or restless