I feel the warmth in my skin
As if she is with me
Safe and soft
I love her
Because yesterday
She made me feel safe
She made me feel close
She made feel like she belonged to me
There are so many worries
So many challenges
Some caused by me
Some caused by her
And some caused by no one
Just by our circumstances
But when I feel her close
My heart feels like it wants to fly
And I feel
Warm
Final selection:
Today I want to address the core wound that I am undesirable and a bad person specifically because I want to make other people happy.
He looked sad in the sharing circle
I’m having a rough time
He said
He didn’t say much more
And I don’t think
Anyone else knew
That this was a call for help
Only me
I see that you usually are very happy
I said
I feel that you must really be going through a lot
And I want to tell you
That it will be ok
He smiled
And I felt
Happy
I knew
During the meeting
He was judging me
Trying far too much
To try to speak for me
I was angry
But I bided my time
When he tried to take control
And asked if I wanted to show the customer something
I said no
Then
After the meeting
Fresh from my success
I let myself be still and quiet
Let the doubt creep into his mind
Let him understand
That I knew exactly what I was doing
That I was the one
In control
Sloths in a City in France
When I was still able to walk
I remember her in a white dress
Softer than I imagined
Nervous like a little garment blowing about in the wind
I can see the train station where we first argued
The stones in the road where I sat
My knee hurting
She was there with me
The door with the dresser next to it
The WIFI on the little table
The blooming orange trees on the sunny streets
I remember going to Cannes
And having an argument
And its funny even that memory
Is a fond and warm one for me
A reminder of sunnier days
Someone you love
And the time we spent together
Holding hands
Like the first time on the train
Like A Dried Pizza
There is a dried pizza on my table
The last piece that I didn’t eat yesterday
It’s dry and cold
I feel I know what the pizza feels like
Last night
I didn’t sleep
All night
Tossing turning
Hoping the audiobook was loud enough
To tune out my thoughts
I felt so sure
In my stomach
That this was the end of the road for us
She isn’t the right one for me
I don’t know how I knew
But I knew it was over
I asked her to reassure me
And I felt her warmth
Like a blanket for a shivering man
I love her so much
I think about how vulnerable she is with me
I know she’s ready to stay with me forever
You don’t meet someone like that every day
The sadness in me
For once isn’t about comparison
It isn’t about comparing her with someone else
It’s just telling me
I can’t be with her any longer
I can’t keep up this act
I feel tired
So tired of explaining myself
Of feeling misunderstood
Yet
I don’t know
Her devotion feels like the cure for all pain
What is a drop of discomfort
For a lifetime of love?
I completed my knee challenge in terms of going hiking in Zion national park. I felt like I succeeded in a big way but still have a long way to go in terms of getting where I need to go.
What is next for me? I know in the long term, I want to be very physically active. I want to be able to practice martial arts, do a little parkour and gymnastics. I know it will take a lot of effort and time to get there and it feels quite overwhelming for me.
I’m going to set a few large goals and then look at some of the very short term goals getting there.
2 year goal – the ability to practice martial arts, parkour gymnastics and skiing. My goal isn’t to go too hard in any of these areas, just to be able to do them safely.
1 year goal – to get back to preinjury levels
1 month goal – be able to sleep, walk, stand and light exercise with zero discomfort. I will call this goal little freedom.
I don’t really know what the next step in my process is. It feels too soon to set a schedule yet.
I just want to slowly rest and explore for now.
My feelings are that challenge videos make for really good productivity but I need to slow down sometimes and feel the feelings.
Maybe I will write a poem:
Creaky Knees
When I bend my knee
It feels like I’m grinding
Hinges made of old stone
Like the kind in movies
That open secret magical passages
And grate against themselves
I say that I want to be able to do martial arts again
But the truth is
I don’t know what I want
I am afraid to dream again
Of a world where I can be active
I’m so used to being scared
Of clutching my knee close
So as not to hurt it
I feel like I’m too old to have these dreams anymore
Of flying
Like I did when I wanted to learn parkour
Everything scares me
I feel that
I need to understand this part of myself first
Listen to what it wants to say
“Everything is a danger”
It tells me
The protector of my knee
Of my body
It feels safe to not move at all
So I’m pretty frustrated because this is the second time I am writing this blog post. The first time I wrote this blog post, the post was bugging out and didn’t save properly.
Not too happy about that.
In the spirit of growth, I am going to let go of that blog post and focus on creating an entirely new one without losing the essence of what I wanted to say in the first one I wrote.
This morning I was feeling really stressed out and I was really enjoying my walk. I feel like this whole questions meditations thing has really worked out. I really like journaling at night, and walking during the day. Before when I was forcing myself to go outside because I felt like I had to, I kinda hated it. It was nice once I got outside, but before then it was pretty awful.
Now, since I know I’m going use the time to meditate on some of the questions I have in my heart, I feel really excited and motivated to go outside in the morning.
Here are the main things I was stressed out about this morning:
And through my amazing short 20 minute walk, here are the answers I got: