I feel the warmth in my skin
As if she is with me
Safe and soft
I love her
Because yesterday
She made me feel safe
She made me feel close
She made feel like she belonged to me
There are so many worries
So many challenges
Some caused by me
Some caused by her
And some caused by no one
Just by our circumstances
But when I feel her close
My heart feels like it wants to fly
And I feel
Warm
I was doing some deep journaling in the form of questions and answers, where I would ask all the questions I have, feel deep in my heart what answer is coming to me, and then asking more questions about those answers.
For example, I will ask myself, what do I do about the anxiety with art? The answer that I feel come up intuitively is to create art which then poses the question, what do I do with art? Then I have the answer, use art to create richness in your life.
I was doing this exercise because I realized at this point in my life, I am so confused on what will happen next and what direction I want to go for my coaching, my career, and my relationship that the best way to serve myself is to get some clarity about what I am feeling and what I want. The faster you make decisions, the faster you progress. I felt that having clarity would make it much easier to make faster decisions.
I had quite a few revelations from this exercise I wanted to note down a few of the most important ones:
One more note I wanted to make…I had a new idea with coaching a few days ago. I always wanted to create video clips of my coaching in order to show social media, but I was thinking recently, I can create clips that can be used to share something a package that can be used to motivate my clients (clips of songs created during the session, major breakthroughs etc.)
I was standing in the morning
And jumped in place
When I heard her come down the stairs
She was going to catch me
Wasting time
She told me to do exercises
But I wanted to focus on my breathing
Stare into space
Feel my thoughts
I had to bring reasons
Like armor
To defend myself against her assault
Wash your clothes
Go outside and exercise
Take a nap
Or the screaming
Rejection comes next
Anger
Chaos
Danger
Like a time bomb
Set off by too many times
I didn’t give a reason to her
That I knew what I was doing
In my room writing this down
I await the assault
And brace myself with a list of explanations
Of why I’m up here
Early this morning I parted ways with a friend and a girl who I loved deeply. While everything is fresh, I want to write everything I loved and hated about her in order to deal with the heartbreak and to understand better what I want in a girlfriend.
What I loved:
What I didn’t like:
Overall, I felt that my needs were getting met less and less because she would never deal with any trauma that came her way, choosing to avoid things instead. I felt that she stopped being so objective and instead was really unable to listen to the truth when it hurt her ego. However, I still love her very much and hope she will at least come back and want to be friends. I do feel some relief though to be able to focus on myself and explore dating in the city. I feel very alone without her. I hope she is doing ok and will see one day that I really did love her.
Ice fills my heart
When I think of the darkest night
Darkness
Drunk confusion
Was it worth it
To take the soft girl
And break her soul
That night
Leave her
Exposed
Vignette on the bed like a polaroid
Did you grin and smile
Lamplight on your face
On the parking lot
Beer in hand
While your friends
Moved on to the next party
In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.
It was on my run that I decided, I needed to leave
Dread in my heart
Peace in my head
And I didn’t cry
I told her shortly after
Fear in my head
Anxiety in my stomach
And I didn’t cry
I saw the message she sent me
Pain in my soul
Shame on skin
And I didn’t cry
Tonight I told a council of kings
Of a girl I loved
Too young
Too far
Too virtual
I told them I knew it was still special
I told them that I knew she gave up
I told them that I knew I had let go
That I cannot fix or change someone
Just because I need them
I knew it was the right thing to do
And finally
I cried
Tonight was a transformative experience for me. I sobbed today like I haven’t in years. It’s as if the pain, the shame, and the fear were just holding everything back. When I let go, all I felt was sad. I felt relieved, at peace, but so sad I cried for a long time.
Make up something for the answers to each of my questions:
AI Consulting
Art Coaching
Ok, now that I worked through all of that, time to go through the same stuff as yesterday:
UNIT ONE: Logistics
UNIT TWO: Longterm planning
UNIT THREE: Business planning
Final Updates: