Letting the Chips Fall

Last night I tried to go to Judo Club for the first time but they were closed for Thanksgiving.

The thing that I wanted to understand the most is why I have this feeling every time I want to leave my house, that I don’t want to go. I always want to live a life of adventure but I’m beginning to suspect that is because I never leave.

So let me try to break it down. The thoughts that come to my head when I think about venturing out:

1. It is too much energy
2. It is probably cold outside
3. I’ll have less time for gaming
4. I probably won’t like it
5. What if Judo isn’t useful to me
6. I don’t know Judo at all what if I’m bad at it
7. What if I need a gi, I don’t have a gi
8. Maybe I should go back to jiujitsu
9. What if it doesn’t help with jiujitsu
10. Does jiujitsu even help with self defense
11. I feel like I’m wasting my time

And these types of thoughts are also pervasive when I think about doing anything. Shopping, trying to make friends, or eating out. I don’t want to do anything.

I want someone that I know who is also game, but at the same time I don’t want to bring the wrong person who I don’t trust or feel safe around.

It does help to have my audiobook so at least when I drive I can get some escape into a cool and interesting world.

I think I feel very alone in this world. I think I now understand why I always push my gf to be more ambitious or wish that she was. It’s because then I would feel less alone.

But there is a good reason for going outside and experiencing life. I always want to feel anything is possible, to feel alive and connected to the world. To take risks and grow as a person. I suppose the counter to that is just feeling that the world feels too unsafe and like it will not understand me or give me what I need. At home, I have my games and friends and it feels nice and comforting.

Audiobooks are almost a way for me to self-soothe outside my house.

In a way, youtube and social media make sense too. It is like having a friend who you can tell things to when you feel alone outside filming or going on adventures.

I want to accept my loneliness. The first thing that comes to my mind is to turn my loneliness into art.

As I slowly process, I start to think about how I can slowly start branching out by staying in my apartment complex but leaving my actual apartment.

I understand why people find solace in religion. I really feel that I need a group of people who are seeking to do the same thing as me. To do things in life. To have the same values and philosophies. Not just share the same favorite TV shows. I have a friend who is Christian and I envy his options in having those deep connections. It just doesn’t feel right to me, because I don’t believe in that faith.

I am almost seeking spirituality.

That is an interesting statement. I’ve always felt that was the thing that was missing from my life. I have career success, success in money and even love. It is spirituality that I’ve never embraced because I felt nothing from a lot of the types of spirituality proposed to me.

Two more things occur to me now.

First, is that I recently borrowed a book called Man’s Search for Meaning By Viktor Frankl and I will read it. It is actually funny that this book was available for me to borrow at this time (I had to put it on hold since there were no available copies when I first checked) because it is supposed to be the best book for my EXACT problem. Spirituality. Meaning. Purpose. It was written by a Holocaust survivor.

The second thing that occurs to me is that I used to do a lot of work to change the world. It’s been a long time since I have done that sort of thing, but I think it really gave me something of what I need right now. I think that’s why I love coaching so much. It fills many needs, but one of the needs is for doing something that is changing the world for the better.

That’s it for now I suppose. I will go read that book now (or listen to it, since I got the audiobook version).

Today I went for a walk. It was cold, but amazing otherwise, I felt happy.

I realized that I don’t feel like myself because I feel so lonely. I miss feeling safe with people that I trust, who understand me. I think about how I lost my art. My dreams, my worlds. And I think more about this artist part of me and I realize I also lost the romantic part of me.

There was always a softer side to me. It wasn’t always about attachment theory and working on myself. I don’t regret going down that path at all, but I feel sad for the Jack who was left behind. The Jack who cries when he listens to the story of two sisters stuck in a Chicago together and one feels she betrayed the other one because she left her alone to sleep in the same bed as the flight attendant: https://www.thisamericanlife.org/175/babysitting/act-two-17

Or Neistat’s story about his girlfriend Candice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dALypGk3xbI

For me, even by telling the story, shows the depth of their love. They cared enough for these moments to be some of the most important in their life.

I think I always sought out a love story of my own. This is what I loved about college. So many opportunities for my love story to happen. This is why I wanted to learn daygaming, I just loved the idea of meeting someone on the street.

It’s why I liked the idea of dating my current girlfriend. Everything about it felt like a movie. Dating a girl on the other side of the world, and traveling to meet her in person. Finding my little sloth despite everything working against us.

I don’t want to forget the romantic in me. I want to be around people who see the magic like I do, and I feel safe around. People who allow me to get out of the fear and anxiety response long enough to feel more deeply. People who accept my story, who want to hear the truth, not what they want to hear. After all, a story about people being fake happy about everything is not a romantic one.

I think this is at least one part of the art that I’m missing. Art is one part exploring worlds, another part allowing you to feel deeply and effortlessly. Maybe another part is vulnerability, of pain.

This is what “high” art is missing. Feelings are lost behind academic musings. Worlds are exchanged for high philosophy. Pain is exchanged for numb confusion.