I’m now on the road and I feel absolutely exhausted. Tired from the travel to Austin, tired from not sleeping well, tired from getting up early today, and not sleeping well again.
I really want to just sleep and sleep for a long time.
Other than sleeping, I want to focus on taking care of myself, this means sparing no expense, and getting myself what I need when I need it.
This means fulfilling my needs through my values of Health, Freedom, Honesty, Respect, Empathy, and Ambition. This means using connection theory on myself.
She used to message me and beg me to get on to play I thought she needed me then Loved spending time together We would joke And talk about life Little things These days she plays Without me It’s me who asks And she reluctantly accepts In the game, she’s all anger and frustration She hates the game She hates the teammates She hates me And she hates herself She denied that she ever had fun with me today Says she can’t remember the last time we played That I annoy her That we need to win if we play That we just don’t work together “I like small talk,” she says about her new friends “We are too busy asking about favorite colors” “For me to be mad” I remember a time we asked each other our favorite colors I wonder if it was less special than I thought Or if her new friends are more special than me Its doubt that destroys love Not hate or anger Doubt eating away at a foundation so strong It promised forever Today I worry If I left Would she even notice Over the laughter Of her new friends
This poem is about feeling like what you thought you both cherished, only you actually cherished. That there wasn’t a connection at the level that I originally thought.
If that is actually true, I don’t feel heartbroken. Only depressed. So incredibly disappointed that everything was not as special as I thought it was. It takes me back to my dark places, wondering if anyone could truly love me.
Part of me knows it’s more complicated than that. That there is still hope for us. Still hope for me.
I am worrying about a couple of things. First of all, I went to bed at 2AM again. This is becoming a pattern that I need to address ASAP.
Thinking about what I need via connection theory here is what I came up with:
I need to be able to let go of not being productive during the day. It is hard, but I need to be able to say, I accept where I got to today.
I need some way to process that pain and any anxiety from the day. Connection theory is telling me to yell and scream or hyperventilate.
I need to get into bed at the proper time but again, like last time, I can intice myself with being able to use my phone while in bed.
Also, I feel linked to this is my anxiety around work.
My initial thought is to stop “trying” and pushing harder against a problem, rather everytime I hit an issue, write down all of the questions I have, then work out those problems outside my apartment, walking or going to the gym.
Connection theory is telling me drawing might help as well.
Overall, I feel like total shit and I feel the lack of sleep is taking a toll on my digestion. I hope to relax enough to take a nap and get back into working order.
It’s been a few days since I last wrote in this blog. I sometimes, I feel like I’m pushing a heavy bounder up the hill when I write. But I decided today I’m going to work through that and deliver something special. I remembered something that inspired me today. Writing isn’t about putting words together, it’s about clear thinking. And I love clear thinking.
Today, I was at the CLIO conference. CLIO is a software that law offices use.
During their keynote, author James Clear gave a speech about his bestselling book, Atomic Habits.
Clear on how to remove bad habits.Clear on how to form new habits.
He said a lot of things I already knew like that fact that forming habits are about creating small triggers for bigger actions (like putting on your shoes is the habit for running) and that powerful habits that are about who you want to become instead of achieving goals.
However, there is one new thing that stuck me.
He said that your physical space determines how successful your habits are. Look at the spaces that you are in for most of the day and that will tell you a lot about what habits are.
I want to institute these new habits:
Meditate more
Journal every night
Involve more people into my work
Create more videos
And here is how I plan to implement them:
Meditate
Atomic habit: Put on my mask, lay down on my couch, and turn on shamanic drumming
Changing my physical space: Place an eyemask next to my couch
Journal
Atomic habit: Write the date, and the words wins and worries
Changing my physical space: Using pillow in my lap to write
People
Atomic habit: When I have a big project write down people’s name who I can ask for help
Changing my physical space: Keep space clean enough for guests
Videos
Atomic habit: Set up the camera
Changing physical space: Create multiple shoot locations in apartment
In other news, the CLIO conference was so good for business. Everyone was friendly, looking to network. We had so many good conversions and met a lot of potential customers and partners. Some thoughts:
When people are at the top 1% of success, they tend to be far more relaxed and composed about success. They aren’t in a rush for a quick win. In that way, they may already be winning.
A huge part of marketing, partnerships, and sales is about finding the right place to find the right people who want to work with you. Something I think about my coaching business is where might that be?
