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Workpost 18: Addicted
I’ve been playing pokemon go so much recently. I’ve made a lot of progress in the game, but I really worry that I’m getting addicted because of how stressed out I am right now.
I stressed out about my relationship and about my career path moving forward. I want to make sure that work does not take over my life and that it stays aligned to what I want to do moving forward.
Every time I feel stressed, I reach for the pokemon go. Holy shit, I am addicted.
I feel very tired, but no longer sick. That is a good thing at least.
I’m going to walk around the airport. And this time, instead of catching pokemon, I am going to meditate and think.
On the plane I meditated on some of my issues and I came to a big realization. The first step to feeling or processing any pain is to notice and name the pain that exists. I spend so much time avoiding thinking about painful emotions or experiences, avoiding thinking about how things hurt me it makes it hard to face the pain at all since I’m not taking the first step,
I want to focus on doing that more now as the first step to processing more emotions.
Workpost 59: Feeling frustrated
I’m really struggling to process some feelings right now.
- I am working through the stressful emotions that come up when I see an attractive girl
- I am working through overwhelmed and frustrated emotions with my current project for my AI consulting
- I am working through fear and stress I feel working on my pipelines
- I am working through feeling of fear and anxiety around money
Let’s work through them one by one.
Attractive girl
Guilt, shame, deep desire
Center of my chest, painful clenching
Stomach clenching
I am bad
I am defective
I am ugly
I am guilty
I am rejected
I won’t ever find beauty or be happy
What if the perfect one is out there
It’s not about the perfect person who meets all your needs. It’s the relationship that meets all of your needs.
Why do I place all my hopes and dreams on a person? Because I want to be happy and I’ve only felt that in shallow relationships. I like meeting people. I like the feeling of possibility in life of variety.
Can I meet those needs in a relationship? Can I find novelty and excitement in a relationship?
Why is desire such an important need for adventures for me? Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I can’t be attractive. But I want to find someone attractive, then for them and me to do the little romantic dance. I worry when I’m in a relationship, that’s not possible anymore.
I think honestly the fear comes from lack of needs being met in the relationship. Specifically around safety, social needs, chemistry, and inspiration. I feel if I felt if I felt safe to talk openly about people that are attractive and my partner is secure enough in herself, I felt my social needs are met, I felt strong chemistry, and inspired I would not find others attractive.
I want to switch my mindset over from comparing and wanting to meet my needs via others, and focus more on the relationship. Looking elsewhere is giving up on the relationship and if I really want to look elsewhere, I want to first end the relationship.
I don’t want to neglect my needs anymore.
I want to first meet my needs myself, then in the relationship:
- Safety – self acceptance and kindness
- Social needs – be in touch with moment, who people really are
- Chemistry – spending more time on self care, self massage
- Inspiration – reminding myself of the greatness I am capable of, of the change I can create
For the relationship, I want to continue working through needs course.
I feel fear in my chest when I think about my relationship. I feel uncertainty.
No matter what happens I will find peace and happiness because of the way I engage with the world.
My little emotional processing toolkit for meeting my needs:
- Radical acceptance, hold myself, be curious, somatic
- Self love, massage
- Be in the moment, see things how they are
Chemistry
The indescribable feeling
Like the beauty of the red in the roses
Unfurled
Cutting in the corners, filling then in
This feeling of a world around you
That you carry everywhere you go
Our worlds meet
The openness to connect with me
Ok, this raises so many questions it is time to move along
Project Frustration
I feel lost, overwhelmed, and misunderstood.
What if I fail? What if its all for nothing? I don’t know what to do. It feels like so much work.
I don’t know what to do to be effective. I feel the time is running out so fast.
I need to focus on the end goal. Ignore everything else, its just a bonus.
AI Consulting – Day 1/21
Some more thoughts about my brand for AI Consulting:
- I want it to have a Youth Venture feel
- Anything is possible
- Warm and supportive and inspiring community
- I want to incorporate these ethe:
- Never compromise on your vision
- Move humanity forwards
- Be science fiction (either in philosophy or technology or both)
- Inspiring thoughts:
- Make every business like a Youth Venture business
- Social enterprise
- Founders feel purpose in what they do
- Dream big, prioritize vision
- Ship fire manual
- AI that pushed the limit of what is possible
- Creates our science fiction
- Make every business like a Youth Venture business
Workpost 69: Getting More Work Done
One of the most recent realizations is that Valorant is meeting my need for significance maybe in a narcissistic way.
One of the ways that I can fulfill my needs and move on to getting more work done is by reassuring myself that even if I’m not getting better, even if I don’t win I am worthy, I am ok.
Today I really want to focus on getting all the contract work done but also visiting non-profits and getting more information about them.
If I can, I also want to be in good shape for jiujitsu and will probably need a bit of napping to get there.
Something else I was thinking about watching some podcasts about fighters today, when I go to jiujitsu, I go to learn and be really good at grappling and self-defense, but that’s not really my focus right now.
I’m really focused on my businesses, and in order to stay focused, I want to focus everything in my life on that.
This means jiujitsu is less about being good at grappling or fighting, but much more about being healthy, relieving stress, and getting a break from the computer.
I’m feeling kinda shitty right now trying to get past the lack of sleep I got today.
What I’m going to start out with is going to a nice place to work and get the basics done, then try to go to the gym and take a nap when I can relax my body enough.
After that, I’ll consider creating a focus for the day on what I want to complete.
Today I would like to work on my personal website.
I want it to reflect all the things that it represents for me:
- My workspace – messy creative space for me to work through things, sort of like akimbo
- A place that mirrors my coaching
- Welcome to my house
- Be patient
- Take risks
- Be ok with silence
- A workspace – sort of like profit in peace
- My way to be myself in a public way
- If people stay, it helps me, if people leave, it helps me
Workpost 37: Fundamental Systems
Today I feel tired. My kidneys ache. They feel bloated and stagnated. My stomach feels slow. My head iches on the top. My eyes are dry. I feel burning inflammation up my back and spine. My skin is flaking on my face.
These past few days have felt exhausting, extremely stressful, and demoralizing. Last night, I asked myself the question, how do I get out of this.
I didn’t know the answer then, but my answer today during my walk was to take my stress seriously.
And just now, I had a realization that I have the systems developed to do extraordinary things. I just need to utilize them and follow their principals.
Systems in place:
- Daily walk to ponder questions I am stressed about
- Daily workpost to grow myself, plan for greatness
- Clean space to deal with stress, clean place = clean mind
- Meal prep strategy for healthy cheap meals with little stress – fridge containers, tacos, lettuce wraps
- Whiteboards to write strategies
- Off computer working systems (working while walking, running errands, working out, eating out)
- Todo list strategy – focus on one thing at a time, prioritize
- Clean after working hours to transition, decompress
- Crawling to get cardio in small space
- Walking backwards and tibialus for knee
- Hanging for shoulders and posture
- Working out after and before meals for better absorption, muscle growth, and recovery
- Journaling to ask myself questions at night
- Walking with no effort
I have absolutely everything I need to build a life where I can do almost anything I want, achieve anything I want.
Right now, I want to focus on two things: recovery and priming
Priming are stuff like cleaning, wiping off my whiteboards, clearing out tabs, filling markers, mealprep, todo list grooming
Recovery means lots of sleep, rest, hydration, and exercise. Specifically paying attention to anytime I want to game to see if I feel stressed or uncomfortable, taking a break when that happens.
To top off this post, I want to attach something that I want to erase from my whiteboard, but want to save forever:

Reasons Why I’m Ready
- I’ve developed very deep and powerful life theories (flow, connection) → these theories can give anyone direction in darkness, I forget them but they come back when I need them
- When faced with pain I’ve always come out stronger (ACL) → pain is the greatest teacher
- I’ve proven that I can complete hard challenges (knee, sova) → I can achieve the challenges I set my mind to
- I can solve problems few people can solve (triage, nikola) → normal rules don’t apply
- I’m deeply attuned to emotions (coaching, art, philosophy) → makes it much easier to connect with people
- I used to walk up to girls on the street → Nothing is something I can’t handle. There is nothing that I can’t ask for
- No matter how badly I fail there are people who still love me
- The point is not to get there, be productive or succeed, the point is to find a meaningful problem, problems we want to solve → we will never have no problems but we can choose which problems we want to contend with
- Happiness doesn’t come from acing the past but seizing the now → its never too late to be happyIt’s near too late to fix it with a degree in engineering and parents who don’t mess with me
- I have lots of assets and saving and a degree in engineering and parents and a sister all with money saved
Matches: Back to the Grind
Match 1
Goals:
- To be fast and effective and efficient. What percentile do I fall in terms of the human potential for efficiency?
- To be able to see through problems in a genius like way. What percentile do I fall into for my perception?
Warmup ideas:
- Emotional processing on stress (5 min)
- Workout (5 min)
- Meditation (5 min)
Postwork Review:
- I was very calm and measured during this work. I also did not take breaks.
- Emotional processing, exercise and meditation are quite effective.
Grading:
Efficiency: 65% I think most people would be able to do what I was able to do but I suppose there were more steps than I thought and I was quite efficient at them.
Perception: 70% The task didn’t require insane perception until the very end where I did solve a problem really fast by realizing the problem.