So the groundwork is essentially laid for a lot of things.
I plan on investing $600 into the AI coaching business.
60% of revenue will go to my living expenses
10% will go business expenses
30% will be held in a high yield savings account for taxes
I plan on investing $5000 for the creation of the funnel for my art coaching business. It is already set aside for that purpose.
When I get to the 3 month mark (and I run my businesses full time) I will dip into the savings I have set aside in my emergency fund.
To make things simple, I just decided to funnel all business expenses through my AI coaching account. I will keep my coaching income a separate account.
When I think about drawing on my drawing tablet I feel overwhelmed high in my chest.
I feel really really scared that everything I do will be frustrating and not good or artistic.
Let me start with some inktober sketches.
What strikes me when I draw is that art for me, even just plain linework, is all about discovery, all about uncovering the truth or the world underneath the scribbles. It doesn’t matter if I don’t see the world at first, it emerges from within the shapes.
I mean this style is definitely me, I guess I worry that if I try to refine it, it will lose the liveliness in here. At the same time, I’m not sure I want the business card to be this messy and a part of my wants it to look more like a tarrot card. I imagined a swashbuckling kid with big aviator goggles and a bunch of dripping paint brushes.
Last night I tried to go to Judo Club for the first time but they were closed for Thanksgiving.
The thing that I wanted to understand the most is why I have this feeling every time I want to leave my house, that I don’t want to go. I always want to live a life of adventure but I’m beginning to suspect that is because I never leave.
So let me try to break it down. The thoughts that come to my head when I think about venturing out:
It is too much energy
It is probably cold outside
I’ll have less time for gaming
I probably won’t like it
What if Judo isn’t useful to me
I don’t know Judo at all what if I’m bad at it
What if I need a gi, I don’t have a gi
Maybe I should go back to jiujitsu
What if it doesn’t help with jiujitsu
Does jiujitsu even help with self defense
I feel like I’m wasting my time
And these types of thoughts are also pervasive when I think about doing anything. Shopping, trying to make friends, or eating out. I don’t want to do anything.
I want someone that I know who is also game, but at the same time I don’t want to bring the wrong person who I don’t trust or feel safe around.
It does help to have my audiobook so at least when I drive I can get some escape into a cool and interesting world.
I think I feel very alone in this world. I think I now understand why I always push my gf to be more ambitious or wish that she was. It’s because then I would feel less alone.
But there is a good reason for going outside and experiencing life. I always want to feel anything is possible, to feel alive and connected to the world. To take risks and grow as a person. I suppose the counter to that is just feeling that the world feels too unsafe and like it will not understand me or give me what I need. At home, I have my games and friends and it feels nice and comforting.
Audiobooks are almost a way for me to self-soothe outside my house.
In a way, youtube and social media make sense too. It is like having a friend who you can tell things to when you feel alone outside filming or going on adventures.
I want to accept my loneliness. The first thing that comes to my mind is to turn my loneliness into art.
As I slowly process, I start to think about how I can slowly start branching out by staying in my apartment complex but leaving my actual apartment.
I understand why people find solace in religion. I really feel that I need a group of people who are seeking to do the same thing as me. To do things in life. To have the same values and philosophies. Not just share the same favorite TV shows. I have a friend who is Christian and I envy his options in having those deep connections. It just doesn’t feel right to me, because I don’t believe in that faith.
I am almost seeking spirituality.
That is an interesting statement. I’ve always felt that was the thing that was missing from my life. I have career success, success in money and even love. It is spirituality that I’ve never embraced because I felt nothing from a lot of the types of spirituality proposed to me.
Two more things occur to me now.
First, is that I recently borrowed a book called Man’s Search for Meaning By Viktor Frankl and I will read it. It is actually funny that this book was available for me to borrow at this time (I had to put it on hold since there were no available copies when I first checked) because it is supposed to be the best book for my EXACT problem. Spirituality. Meaning. Purpose. It was written by a Holocaust survivor.
The second thing that occurs to me is that I used to do a lot of work to change the world. It’s been a long time since I have done that sort of thing, but I think it really gave me something of what I need right now. I think that’s why I love coaching so much. It fills many needs, but one of the needs is for doing something that is changing the world for the better.
That’s it for now I suppose. I will go read that book now (or listen to it, since I got the audiobook version).
Writing Prompt: What is a pet peeve and how does that relate to your shadow?
Today I was listening to a Youtube video about the Harry Potter houses and turned off the video because I could not listen to the voice of the YouTuber any longer. The way he was talking was so affected it felt like I was drowning in discomfort.
He would have an extra lingering syllable that would stick at the end of each word. Griffindorrra instead of Griffindor and thennnnna instead of then. I felt like his proclivities were clawing marks into my heart.
I was thinking to myself. I hate him so much, but I bet all the comments are people praising him and encouraging him to continue with this horribly affected speech. And then I thought, maybe some people actually like it. He did have a nice British accent.
I wondered why I couldn’t stand him.
I just felt this cloudiness this lack of clarity in speech and I despised that. The fakeness also made me feel uncomfortable. Do I judge myself for being fake or unclear? I don’t know but I suspect I do. To me, those two traits speak to the worst fate in the world, mediocrity.
I know that there are certain problems that need to be solved
Problems don’t go away I told her
She avoids them anyway
Until they are about to ruin everything
I hate her for making me feel
There is no hope left
That she accuses me of just stressing her out
Lashes out at me angrily
I feel pain because I know
She loves me
And wants to make me happy
Maybe I was too hard on her
But can I take the pain
Of watching everything burn
Letting the problems stack up against us
She’s so sensitive
And beautiful
And soft and understanding
Perhaps, I can be strong enough
To feel the fear
That I will lose her
I often cope with feelings of fear by trying to solve problems and remove obstacles. It’s who I am. It is the hardest thing to just let something I want more than anything slip away. Maybe I’m too hard on people, on myself for trying to fix everything. Sometimes, you just have to enjoy where life is right now, and process your fear and just trust everything will work itself out.
My intuition tells me that three things will unlock the money making potential that my abilities have.
Focus. I need to be ok with saying no to more things, focusing on one thing at a time. Lack of focus is creating overwhelm, which in turn costs me my productivity.
Fear of rejection. My fear of rejection holds me back from doing things that would instantly make me more money.
Youtube and content creation. This is a communication/art skill that has tremendously high leverage if I can figure it out.
Currently, I don’t have much time every day because I go for a run everyday and I am working on my vision and taking care of my health. That means I have perhaps 3 or 4 hours of good working time.
I originally was thinking about giving up or changing this practice I have so I’m less tired and can work more, but I’m actually gonna practice something different, which is saying no to more things.
I feel very tired at the moment, but I’m glad that I’m taking a step back and returning to my fundamentals.
What was the purpose of “Workposts” to begin with? It was a chance to practice being in the higher energies that I tap into with my coaching and plan out my days with it:
You’re in my house
Have patience
Be ok with silence
Take big risks
Today I am feeling into going fast and slow with two main projects.
First project, I want to move fast, with some long stretches of work, which is my YouTube video that I intend on shooting today. Here is the general structure of the video I’m pondering over:
“Shorts shorts short shorts shorts” while holding up different shorts and smiling at the last one with a YT shorts logo
“Ok so today, I’m taking these three viral Youtube Shorts and creating my take on them. My name is Jack and you’re watching episode 12 of the Youtube Challenge.”
“Welcome back to the Youtube Challenge, the challenge where I work through my emotional blocks to find out how to make the Content Creation process fun for myself by posting a new video every single day.”
“A quick update from yesterday, I was feeling very sad and depressed about my progress thus far on YouTube, and today I’m doing a little better. I noticed that in the process of shooting a video every single day, I’ve neglected the rest of my health and my day job and today I returned to the routines and systems that work for me. Like journaling in the morning and planning out my day.”
“One big epiphany I has was that every time I reach for my phone for distraction, I am feeling some intense physical discomfort and that I could feel much better by not picking up the phone but instead physically self soothing myself with stuff like rocking.”
“Well anyway, this video is about the shorts, so lets get into the shorts”
Viral short 1
React to short
Broll of editing my take
Viral short 2
React to short
Broll of editing my take
Viral short 3
React to short
Broll of editing my take
“That’s it for today, make sure you like comment and subscribe, peace”
The second project is going to be a slow thing that I chip away at throughout the entire day. Slow and steady wins the race right? This project has to do with a client I have, and I want to get them to an overall perfect state with at least no complaints for a while.
Let’s create a DOD:
Project: Undisclosed Client
Facts:
This project should improve product accuracy and usefulness The deliverables I expect to see are new feature successfully deployed with a 60%+ first try success rate This must be completed by today
Feelings:
When this is done, I will feel in control and confident about the product and customer relationship
Future:
When this is done, I will be able to focus fully on marketing efforts
