Workpost 62: Processing Frustration
“This is gonna be harsh, but you aren’t a model”
“If you’re deadset on using yourself”
“I think you’re not adding very much by being in there”
“You seem robotic”
Anger, frustration, feeling misunderstood, feeling hurt.
I feel pain and cracks in my heart like cracked glass.
I don’t think my looks matter on an ad. I don’t even think being robotic matters. I think the message is what matters the most. Also, I feel I’m plenty relaxed and attractive for the ad to work.
Processing the emotions I feel that maybe different people value looks and appearance on different levels. I value the message because I know that definitely works. Others might value looks and performance more. Some people also might be turned off by my demeanor or my appearance, but that has more to do with them than me.
I also feel the difficulty processing how I feel about myself on camera.
I don’t feel the camera captures me in the best light. I see a lot of flaws.
I feel a clenching in my heart, neck, and stomach.
I feel too skinny and small, my face too pudgy and soft looking, my nose not enough definition.
Processing it further, I understand that I’m not done growing, everyday I can work to become healthier, stronger, and more attractive. Also, I accept the way I look in the camera like I accept my art. Instead of thinking of how other people look, I want to let myself look the way I want to look. Like letting the art be what it wants to be. There is something charming and right about how I look exactly as I am, imperfect me.
I want to live a full life, and worrying about how I look on camera is not what I want. I want to spend my time and energy building my business and I KNOW I can do that with videos of myself.
The next thing I want to process is how unproductive and lethargic I feel in my apartment. I don’t even want to get out of the apartment to work.
The first thing I noticed is that the apartment is a bit hot and the oxygen feels much thinner in here. I turned up the AC, put my standing desk up to standing and drank some cold water.
There is also an emotional part of this. I feel safe here. The outside world feels unsafe with unsafe people and lots of unsafe places.
It feels like a light buzzing numbing fear in my chest and stomach.
I feel like a good cleaning of the apartment can help.
Tidying and clearing out the mental baggage.
A great thing that standing desks allow for is pacing and I’m going to take advantage of that.
It’s interesting. Being at the standing desk feels the same way as leaving the apartment feels. Less cozy and comfy. More open, free, unknown, and some low level buzz of anxiety.
It almost feels like morning vs night where night is full of comfort and imagination and mornings feel more energetic and open but devoid of magic.
It almost feels like emptiness. When emotionally processing that, I feel from space comes peace, comes inspiration.
After spending more time emotionally processing this, I have a couple idea of what I can use to reframe going outside, leaving, standing at my desk and going to the gym from empty to more meaningful:
- My coaching mindset:
- You’re in my house
- Take risks
- Be comfortable in silence
- Take your time
- Make the impossible possible
- Taoist productivity
- Focus on one thing only
- Do it until you feel empty
One more thing today, I was confused on how to work with my blog and my to do list together as they sort of fill in the same needs. They both help me get structure and work through issues.
What I decided is that I’m going to use my to do list as a mental dump and use it to organize my thoughts. If any part of those parts, I want to work through in a workspace, I will combine the necessary elements together, cross them all out and transfer to my blog to work out.
I now have 3 forms of organization:
- To do list – braindump and prioritization tool
- Blog – workspace
- Calendar – time planning tool, reminder for future tasks
Overlapping areas:
- Takeaways from prioritization or working out prioritization can be a overlap of blog and to do list
- Long terms tasks can be overlap from calendar and to do list
- Calendar event and work can be overlap between blog and calendar
- Large tasks can be overlap from to do list and blog
Current thoughts about order of operations:
- Journaling in blog
- To do list forming and prioritizaiton
- Long tasks added to calendar
- Add more to journal if needed
- Follow to do list, clumping and converting to blog as needed
