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Workpost 59: Feeling frustrated

Byjack

I’m really struggling to process some feelings right now.

  1. I am working through the stressful emotions that come up when I see an attractive girl
  2. I am working through overwhelmed and frustrated emotions with my current project for my AI consulting
  3. I am working through fear and stress I feel working on my pipelines
  4. I am working through feeling of fear and anxiety around money

Let’s work through them one by one.

Attractive girl

Guilt, shame, deep desire

Center of my chest, painful clenching

Stomach clenching

I am bad

I am defective

I am ugly

I am guilty

I am rejected

I won’t ever find beauty or be happy

What if the perfect one is out there

It’s not about the perfect person who meets all your needs. It’s the relationship that meets all of your needs.

Why do I place all my hopes and dreams on a person? Because I want to be happy and I’ve only felt that in shallow relationships. I like meeting people. I like the feeling of possibility in life of variety.

Can I meet those needs in a relationship? Can I find novelty and excitement in a relationship?

Why is desire such an important need for adventures for me? Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I can’t be attractive. But I want to find someone attractive, then for them and me to do the little romantic dance. I worry when I’m in a relationship, that’s not possible anymore.

I think honestly the fear comes from lack of needs being met in the relationship. Specifically around safety, social needs, chemistry, and inspiration. I feel if I felt if I felt safe to talk openly about people that are attractive and my partner is secure enough in herself, I felt my social needs are met, I felt strong chemistry, and inspired I would not find others attractive.

I want to switch my mindset over from comparing and wanting to meet my needs via others, and focus more on the relationship. Looking elsewhere is giving up on the relationship and if I really want to look elsewhere, I want to first end the relationship.

I don’t want to neglect my needs anymore.

I want to first meet my needs myself, then in the relationship:

  1. Safety – self acceptance and kindness
  2. Social needs – be in touch with moment, who people really are
  3. Chemistry – spending more time on self care, self massage
  4. Inspiration – reminding myself of the greatness I am capable of, of the change I can create

For the relationship, I want to continue working through needs course.

I feel fear in my chest when I think about my relationship. I feel uncertainty.

No matter what happens I will find peace and happiness because of the way I engage with the world.

My little emotional processing toolkit for meeting my needs:

  1. Radical acceptance, hold myself, be curious, somatic
  2. Self love, massage
  3. Be in the moment, see things how they are

Chemistry

The indescribable feeling

Like the beauty of the red in the roses

Unfurled

Cutting in the corners, filling then in

This feeling of a world around you

That you carry everywhere you go

Our worlds meet

The openness to connect with me

Ok, this raises so many questions it is time to move along

Project Frustration

I feel lost, overwhelmed, and misunderstood.

What if I fail? What if its all for nothing? I don’t know what to do. It feels like so much work.

I don’t know what to do to be effective. I feel the time is running out so fast.

I need to focus on the end goal. Ignore everything else, its just a bonus.

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Developing My Own LLM Challenge

Byjack

I want to learn how to build my own large language model leveraging ChatGPT and my own proprietary data. There seems to be a couple of things that I need to learn before I do that:

  1. How ChatGPT fine tuned models work
  2. What a vector database is
  3. What is Langchain

Some helpful videos on each:

ChatGPT

Vector Database

Langchain

Hands on Coding

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Workpost 7: New AI Consulting Plan

Byjack

Okok. After working on my AI Consulting Plan for a few days, something is really fucking clear to me (excuse my French).

I need more than 10 days to make a name for myself. I am going to need 3 months. Videos are the absolute best way to make a name for myself. However, videos take absolutely forever to create.

So let us give us enough time to make them.

Goal: Be known, give preview of consulting

UNIT ONE (1 month): Build a crowd who will engage with anything I put out

  • Shoot 3 simple videos
  • Shoot 3 complex videos
  • Write 6 LinkedIn posts
  • Involve people every step of the way

UNIT TWO (1 month): Get people to start reaching out to me with AI questions

  • Create reaction videos to comments
  • Create videos based off on comments

UNIT THREE 1 month): Get big enough following to invite famous people on my videos

  • Figure out the platform I can get big on
  • Post on it consistantly

BONUS (1 day): Look for automation/outsourcing, try to make as low effort as possible

Ok let’s dive in deeper.

UNIT ONE (1 month ends March 22nd)

  1. Planning and setting up artifacts for videos (10 days ends March 2nd)
  2. Executing, shooting and editing (10 days ends March 12th)
  3. Feedback and editing for bigger videos (10 days ends March 22nd)

And even deeper….

UNIT ONE | Part 1 Planning and setting up artifacts for videos (10 days ends March 2nd)

  1. Create plans for each of the videos (4 days ends Feb 25th)
    • What videos I want to shoot (already done)
    • What those videos will look like in the intro (partly done)
    • What clips I need
    • What research I need
    • Who I need to talk to
    • When I need it by – figure out shooting schedule
    • How to break down each of the ideas into smaller content
  2. Figure out how to shoot each video (3 days ends Feb 28th)
    • Break down as much of the video as I can
    • If needed, come up with an imaginary best case scenario story just to know what shots I need
    • Solidify shooting schedule
    • Reach out to the people I need to reach out to
  3. Shoot preliminary non-essential parts of video (3 days ends March 2nd)
    • Shoot any part that I can that don’t require other people
    • Essentially get started with filming
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Workpost 26: My Way

Byjack

My Way

Anger in my heart

Ripping tearing

Destroy all the people

Who don’t understand me

Who want to tell me what to do

What I’m worth

I hate them all

With every fiber of my being

If I could burn their existence and wipe them from the planet I would

I’m so tired of fighting

I’m so tired of having to rely on others to do what I want to do

I’m so tired

I feel hopeless sometimes

Like there is no way out of this horrid existence

Where I am trapped

I breathed and breathed

And in the breath

I remembered

That I don’t need to let anyone control me

Only one person can live my life

No one else can touch me

They can’t hurt me and they can’t control me

I can do things my way

I did a little IFS therapy on myself and here are the parts that came up:

  1. Black Hatred: This is a protector of some sort that prevents other people from taking me off course of what I want to do. It does this through extreme anger against people who don’t understand me and box me into what they feel my limitations are.
  2. Mind Reader: The mind reader is always calculating what other people want in order to prevent the painful feelings around rejection and failure.

I reminded Black Hatred that I am 31 years old and he no longer needs to protect me since no one has any hold over me anymore. I can do whatever I want to do. I promised him that I will remain true to myself.

I reminded Mind Reader that I am 31 and I am fully capable with dealing with failure, and that at my age, failure helps keep the boredom away. I promised him that I will take care of myself and give myself time, space, comfort, and support.

Workpost 45: Showing Up

Byjack

Today I feel very exhausted and tired. I still feel struggles with going to jiujitsu and going to bed on time. I feel overwhelmed with where I’m going with my business.

Here are some of the things I learned over the past few days:

  1. I can combine the powerful techniques of connection theory and flow theory in the following way: first use connection theory to validate and understand my feelings, then use flow theory to somatically process it. I can then use connection theory to understand deeper, better and have a more grounded explanation.
  2. It isn’t about what you do, it is about how you show up
  3. It’s ok to not know where you are going, but aim your northstar and measure everything at it

Today here are the things I want to achomplish:

  • Complete the three tasks I created for myself
  • Have additional time to play Valorant before jiujitsu
  • Spend time after jiujitsu working on my businesses
  • Take a nap during the day to recover from tireness

Matches: Continued

Byjack

Match 1: Video Editing Planning

Goals: I really want to feel less shitty and tired and I want to come up with a direction for my podcast edit and how I can edit it in 40 minutes or less.

Here are the metrics for scoring:

  1. Energy rejuvenation (1-5)
  2. Confidence in solution (1-5)
  3. Creativity (percentile)
  4. Raw efficiency, work over energy (percentile)

My plan for my warmup is just for go for a long 15 minute walk.

Plan for work session:

UNIT ONE: Analyze video (10 min)

  1. Might want to create a good intro
    • who are you and what have you done
  2. What would help her as a writer?
    • Creative process from start to end
    • Talking about book in a way people want to read it or get greater insight
    • Greatest struggles as a writer
    • What like to write about
  3. What do other people probably want to know about a writer?
    • Where come up with ideas
    • Interesting passages from book

UNIT TWO: Process/look at other ideas (10 min)

Going all in on Judy Blume masterclass video:

As soon as you tell me I can’t do something,
I’m going to do it.

I hope that in sharing with you what
I’ve learned over 50 years of writing that it will help
you find your way as a writer.

As a 12-year-old, I was obsessed by the idea of growing
breasts and getting my period.
But there was no place that I could read about it.
When I started to write, I was determined to be honest.
So I’m going to share with you the practical side of writing.

There’s nothing more important than character.
You’re living with these people for years.
You had better feel for them.
Do some exercises.
Have your character write a letter to you.
The first draft is pure torture for me.
I hate every second of it.
I have a messy mind, and my writing
is a process of cleaning up the mess,
then slowly making a story.
I will be able to show that to you.

I got a particularly nasty review once.
It got to me, and I took my typewriter,
and I held it over this arroyo.
And I was going to throw it in.
I thought I cannot do this anymore.
And then this little voice went off in my head.
Wait, you’re going to let this one review stop you
from writing?
That’s crazy!
That’s one opinion.
I enjoy finding and supporting new writers,
and this is a chance for me to reach more of you.

I always ask myself, why would anyone
write if they didn’t have to?
I mean it’s so hard.
So this is for all of you who feel that you have to.

I’m Judy Blume, and this is my Master Class.

Something really special about Danuta and unique about her personality, show don’t tell.

*Beeroll on books and images from life, maybe emotional points of interview

Some sort of intro to talk about what this is about (maybe introduction)

Something about how she gets started with creative process, or something about art or creativity.

Walk through the step by step creative process

*Images or animation if possible

Talk about a challenging emotional experience

Resolution if possible

Deeper philosophical point

End

UNIT THREE: Create plan for actual editing (currently thinking one short, one long) (10 min)

UNIT ONE: Gathering clips

UNIT TWO: Gathering broll

UNIT THREE: Compositing

Bonus time: shot list

  1. Something really special about Danuta and unique about her personality, show don’t tell. Should be humorous and controversial.
  2. Beeroll on books and images from life, maybe emotional points of interview
    • To kill the other
  3. Some sort of intro to talk about what this is about (maybe introduction)
  4. Something about how she gets started with creative process, or something about art or creativity.
  5. Walk through the step by step creative process
  6. Images of process
  7. Talk about a challenging emotional experience with resolution if possible
  8. Deeper philosophical point
  9. Some sort of ending

Bonus time: animation thoughts

Trying out pencil 2d!

Postmatch Review:

Overall, this was very fun and rejuvenated my love for editing and video.

  1. Energy rejuvenation – 4 I don’t feel 100% but my energy went up TONS since I started working
  2. Confidence in solution – 2 I feel the plan is really solid but the timing seems a little tight to get all of this done
  3. Creativity – 70th percentile, pretty good, not revolutionary. But I don’t think most people could do this.
  4. Raw efficiency, work over energy – 80th percentile, I think most sessions and people can’t be this productive in 40 minutes that was actually insane.

Match 2: Video Editing

Goals: I want to be excited about this video edit, feel satisfied, while boosting my confidence in pushing out videos faster with less effort

Here are the metrics for scoring:

  1. Excitement in the edit (1-5)
  2. Satisfaction in the edit (1-5)
  3. Efficiency (percentile)
  4. Fun (1-5)
  5. How ME it is (percentile)

My plan for my warmup is to hype myself up – play music, tell friends etc. + motivation.

Clean, write on my board.

UNIT ONE: Gathering clips (10 minutes)

  1. Something really special about Danuta and unique about her personality, show don’t tell. Should be humorous and controversial.
  2. Beeroll on books and images from life, maybe emotional points of interview
    • To kill the other
  3. Some sort of intro to talk about what this is about (maybe introduction)
  4. Something about how she gets started with creative process, or something about art or creativity.
  5. Walk through the step by step creative process
  6. Images of process
  7. Talk about a challenging emotional experience with resolution if possible
  8. Deeper philosophical point
  9. Some sort of ending

UNIT TWO: Gathering broll

UNIT THREE: Compositing

Postmatch Review:

  1. Excitement in the edit – 2 I’m not that thrilled about the cut so far
  2. Satisfaction in the edit -1 I’m not all that satisfied in the edit
  3. Efficiency (percentile) – 60% I’m better than average but a bit slow compared to experienced video editors
  4. Fun (1-5) – 3 I had quite a lot of fun
  5. How ME it is (percentile) – 15% not a lot of me in it so far

Match 3: Video Editing + MEified

Goals: I was right that the last match did not finish the process of editing. It was just too much. But I did make REALLY good progress. The only problem is, it’s not ME enough. This last challenge, I want to get the edit done, and I want to inject some Jack magic into it.

Metrics for scoring:

  1. How ME is it (percentile)
  2. Completeness & polish (percentile)

For my warmup, I’m going to watch a bunch of my videos.

Ok the warmup didn’t work, I’m gonna play some nice music and meditate. Me is goofy, profound, soft, and emotional.

UNIT ONE: Compostiting

UNIT TWO: MEify

UNIT THREE: Finalize

Postmatch Review: It ended up taking two hours. I’m tired now!

  1. How ME is it – 65% it does feel real, and grounded but not as me as I could make it
  2. Completeness & polish – 65% its actually not bad at all, could use some broll and animation