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A Strange New Place

Byjack
A Strange New Place

I got to a strange new place today

On the stop right after Heartbreak Hotel

Where I abandoned the dream girl

Who looked at me with soft eyes

In this strange new place

I found a place for the desire to blossom

To bloom without restraint

But the voice it spoke in

Didn’t need to be sexy and alluring

But a steady voice

They spoke of kindness and safety

A soft expression of that flamboyant love

The one the understood

That pain was part of the cage

Pain too hard too dark

For the mind to see any desire

As an invitation to an adventure

Rather than a prison

Of violence and terror

So hopeless

It cannot be faced

What a strange new place

Where the shamed can be accepted

Silently

Quietly

Letting themselves come to the surface in new ways

Passion as unwavering supportiveness

Fantasy as easygoing humor and happiness

 

This poem is about realizing that sexual love can be beautiful, adventurous, and happy. It doesn’t need to be suppressed. Yet it also can feel the pain of trauma, and be expressed as deep caring and supportiveness. It’s a strange new place because I cannot wrap my head around how it works even though it feels right and true.

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Cleaning Furiously

Byjack
Cleaning Furiously

I’m trying to clean as fast as I can

I wonder what feeling I’m running from

When I look at the art supplied filling the closet

That I slept in last night

I feel like I want to cry

My heart hurts

Is there a point to setting up

My own place

If I have no one to share it with

I miss

Feeling safe

Everything just feels

So empty

Just like me

My Darker Side

Byjack

Today I wanted to talk about a side of myself that I felt was missing. A part of myself that when I reclaim, I feel powerful and clear. Strong and true.

I’m talking about my darker side. The parts of myself, that until recently, I was afraid to face. The parts I locked away because I thought they were too ugly to look at. The anger, the hatred, the rage, the lust, the desire for control and domination.

I have a very hard edge that I hold back a lot of the time these days. I always try to approach everything from a positive light because I fear that if I let myself react in the way that I want to, bad things will happen. That I will be unlovable, hopeless, and lonely.

There is someone in my life, who I count very special who has been the only one to see clearly enough to embrace my darker side. Who understands how honest and real it is, despite the fact that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Who will understand instead of judging and admonishing when my darker self makes an appearance.

When I embrace my full self, I wonder how important youtube is. I wonder how important it is to win the approval of others. It makes me want to be less kind, that kindness simply feels overused and boring if I do it too much. That it is a drug and a sweet poison if I turn to it as a way to ignore the darker thoughts.

It makes me want to bring my hard edge into my youtube more often. It makes me want to be harder with the people around me. It makes me want it to pervade through everything I do and attempt.

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Profit in Peace 15: Workplace Reflections

Byjack

I had quite a stressful workday as I expected but I wanted to jot down a couple of reflections today:

  1. Reminding myself of my boundaries (time, respect, honesty, empathy, and possibility) really helped
  2. It also helped to note down what I cannot control before every major meeting (usually something related to how someone felt about me)
  3. I noticed that keeping pace with my todo list was helpful:
    1. Keep all tasks that come to mind in my todo list (use it as a mental trashcan to throw all my worries)
    2. Reorder todo list to whatever I am working on right now (move something to the top if I am currently working on it)
    3. Do tasks immediately if they are low-effort
    4. Do sweeps (try to do everything on the todo list)
  4. Focus also helped
    1. Close as many tabs as possible
    2. Focus on one thing at a time

I was thinking about how to transition from work to Valorant more effectively since I usually start to feel dead and I end up watching youtube and ordering food and that kind of makes it hard for me to stay sharp when gaming and I end up feeling even more stressed and awful.

I think cleaning is a really good transition point. Cleaning reduces stress and is a great way to transition slowly…if I’m worried that there will still be a call coming in and I might have to go back to work, cleaning makes it easy to go back to work without feeling like I am not ready to transition to the next thing. In fact, if I clean, even if I go back to work, I will still be more ready to game after the work is done because my space is now clean.

I also like the idea of a mental dump to write down everything you are thinking about at the end of the day so that you can pick it up at any point today or tomorrow or the day after.

Finally, I like to look at the schedule for the next day and mentally prepare for it to know what you can do today to give you a lot of spaciousness tomorrow.

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Profit in Peace 13: Peace Disrupted Again

Byjack

My peace is disrupted, again. Today I have to get up even earlier and start preparation for work even earlier because I have to travel, and get on the plane for an early morning flight.

I am frustrated because of the complete stinginess in the finances, I have a lot of stress in terms of asking for a better setup such as traveling the day beforehand.

As a result, I didn’t sleep very well (if at all), and now feel tired and stressed.

I have a couple of things working in favor today though:

  • Because I woke up at 4:30 for a flight that boards at 6:40, I do have some nice free time in the morning where I can spend on myself and reconnecting with myself
  • I get to do my favorite thing of sleeping on the plane

Howling Winds in My Heart

I feel the howling winds

In my heart

The internal blizzard

Unforgiving

Being buried my a mountain

Of worry

The pain of the winds

In my ears

Today I did this. I felt much better afterwards, especially after the breaths. Those are really important as I discovered with the Bea Mackay and Wim Hoff methods. Saying the “I Love You” felt strange, especially since I’ve been feeling that I don’t like my face recently, just thinking I gained too much weight, but saying them I think I did feel the anxiety go away and I feel much more at peace, less stressed about work and everything.

In fact, I feel like going back to sleep.

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Stuck Between Two Worlds

Byjack
Stuck Between Two Worlds

She told me she got used to it

Being gone

But I don’t ever want her to be used to it

I want her to feel a pain deep in her chest

Like a part of her is missing

When I’m gone

That all she wants

Is to be whole again

I’d do anything to feel that love again

But I realize, that in order to make room for her love

I forgot some of my own

I forget the world where everyone tries to be kind

Where people push themselves to learn and succeed

Where facing your fears is exciting

Where nothing is impossible

And I wonder

If she has anything else to give me

But her love

And when that love is faint

I feel

Bored

 

It is sometimes a difficult thing to be in love. All you want is to be together all of the time but if you are moving at different speeds it can hurt so much. You worry if you want to move forward, you will be doing it alone. It’s hard to feel like the only way you can be with someone, is if you stay where they are. I think there is hope though. Relationships that aren’t in person will also struggle with connection. But I worry sometimes there is no hope. And that worry fills my heart with fear.

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Even If She Wanted Me Back

Byjack
Even If She Wanted Me Back

Even if she wanted me back

I wonder

Will it be like before

No secrets between us

No unspoken words

Or will I feel like I’m on a sinking ship

The water at my chest

Threatening to drown me

The words she used to hurt me

Only hurt

Because I trusted her enough

To expose my naked heart

I know if she asks

I will try to open my heart again

But I worry

That invisible locks

Have already formed

To protect me

And she doesn’t have the willpower

To find the keys

 

I am scared knowing that the amount of pain between us may be too much to overcome. Pain is always an invitation for growth, but how much is someone willing to grow? I worry sometimes I made a huge mistake. I did it because of the feeling that it was over already. That staying would have been just trying to push along a dream, squeeze out the last bit of real connection that we had. I felt that I had to try to give things enough space for perspective. I wonder sometimes if she even has the capability to feel the love I felt for her. Whether it was just an obsession for her, when it was love for me.