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Byjack

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Deep Reflections Late At Night

Byjack

I was in a men’s support group tonight and I was mulling over some of the recent discoveries I had:

  • I realized that the right person in your life will be someone who will accept everything about you. Someone who isn’t like that may just not be right for you.
  • I usually walk away at the first sign I feel someone doesn’t understand me. I learned not to give up so quickly if it’s someone I love. If they care about you, they will try to understand. It may take some time, but they will. 
  • I realized I have a very deep-seated hatred of women that is shoved down so deep I didn’t know it existed. I feel this has affected my life in profound ways and I want to explore this deeper and understand why.
  • I realized that the way I work myself to death isn’t healthy and I need to find a better way.

I chose to explore the last realization – how I approach work. Through the discussion and coaching, I realized the following:

  • I feel deep shame for asking for help because I feel like this means I’m not good enough and disorganized.
  • I think of everything in terms of lone wolfing everything  – when in fact I work on a team. The work I do benefits the company I work for, my colleagues and my customers (as I believe in the product).
    • There is no shame in asking for help.
    • In the past, when I used to troubleshoot customer issues, I would work until 4 am in the morning and not feel like it is work because I know who it is for, and how  I am helping them (I felt good about it).

I resolve going forward, that every time I get overwhelmed and feel the urge to procrastinate I’ll do the following:

    1. Ask myself who I am helping
      • Myself for the money and experience I will gain
      • My family, and friends because of the money and time, and experience I can share with them if I succeed at my work
      • My colleagues for how my work will benefit their lives and careers
      • My customers for whom my work will transform their businesses and their personal careers.
    2. Focus on doing the work to help them (not just to get it done).
      • I will never forget the story of the teacher who said the moment that teaching transformed for them was the moment that they stopped trying to teach, and focused on helping their students learn. This feels like that moment to me.

I need to be kinder to myself. To enjoy my life when I’m tired and my body is hurting. I should eat out, take breaks, watch tv. There is no shame in asking for help. I’m on a team. Most of all, I should focus on how my work will help others not just myself.

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Cardioid Dreams

Byjack
Cardioid Dreams

The is one thing

That keeps me from showing everything to her

The true me

All the parts I hide from other people

Is the part of me

I’ve tried to reject

To hide inside

To ignore

She says it makes her want to throw up

That some things are better hidden

And I worry

If she knows

How I dream of her warm skin touching mine

Of raw passion like a hunger

That can’t be satisfied

Until there is nothing

Between us

Not even air

I can’t tell

Where her body ends and mine begins

Our hearts like

Two djembe drums

Under a desert sand

Beating in our veins

Our breath

Like the sound of trees

Swaying in the wind

I don’t want to hide

But if she knows

Will she would see me anew

A monster

And would her love flicker and go out

Extinguished by disgust

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Finding the First People On Social Media

Byjack

I had a thought today. I have a friend on Instagram who has a handle @theirname1. I was wondering who got the handle without the number at the end. I was thinking, they cannot be that old since Instagram itself is not that old. And why stop there…why not look at the people who old the handles for the most common names? Like who owns @bob? Or @john or @mary? Do famous or rich people ever buy those handles or are they owned just by early adopters?

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Profit in Peace 2: First Day

Byjack

Today is not the first day working on the Profit in Peace challenge, but it does FEEL like the first day I am living it.

Today is the first day when I dedicated my morning to finding my magical life. For some context of what that means:

Something that I still don’t really understand or feel comfortable with applying is the values that I believe in every day.

I think that writing honestly and focusing on myself in this blog every morning might actually hit all of these points:

  1. Honesty – well, this blog isn’t called unfiltered for no reason! I do remind myself all the time of the “if they don’t like me please leave” mentality.
  2. Imagination – for me, this blog is dedicated to all my imaginative parts: art, YouTube, philosophy, poetry etc.
  3. Intuition – this is the place where doing things “my” way is celebrated and I tap into what is the best way to do something (according to my intuition) rather than how everyone else does it.
  4. Empathy – this blog is a lot for my feelings where I process feelings through words, video, and images. It is a part of honesty too, honest emotion where this is my place to express everything imperfect.

I also like using the blog as my way of living out all my values and being the person I want to be because it really feels like I am sacrificing something to do this…in a good way.

JT Franco talks about if you aren’t willing to sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice. In the end, I had no idea whether I would sacrifice time talking to my girlfriend, going on YouTube, working, playing games, or making YouTube videos. Those are the things I spend most of my day doing anyway. But none of those things seemed right. It was too blunt on an idea, how could you sacrifice all of YouTube? How could I sacrifice all of work?

But by sacrificing my mornings, in a way, I am also sacrificing all of those things. I resist the urge to listen to audiobooks, watch YouTube videos, check messages, or work in the morning. I dedicate all my time to working on my blog and all my challenges, thoughts, ideas, and philosophies.

I also feel a deep unease and anxiety keeping pace with me this morning:

I’m Afraid I My Boss Will Check

I’m afraid my boss will check

See I’m not working

It won’t matter that I have bigger dreams

it won’t matter if I did a bunch of planning

On the weekend

Feverishly, desperately trying to

Make my workday

Productive, efficient enough

To make up

To make it easy

For me to balance

I remember the look on his face

When I told him

I like to meditate

Skeptical

And

I also wonder

If finding my magic

Will make me feel sad and lonely

Like I did yesterday

I feel tired as I

Let go of trying to change the feeling

And accept it instead

Another anxiety that I have about this challenge or this “morning commitment” is just the sense of lack of clarity. I don’t know what I should be working on, or what I can work on. I think is the pressure of time. Or maybe its because I completed all the prework for the challenge and I don’t exactly have something to work on right now. I’m afraid every action is not “right”.

Is it the right thing to:

  1. Work on challenge videos?
  2. Work on editing videos?
  3. Work on reaching out?
  4. To focus on my body?

Wow there is so much here and I feel that I may be stalling. Scared to make a decision so I’m just rambling on a super long blog post that doesn’t really say anything in particular.

Well all I know right now is I feel like doing a bit of freewriting, fantasy writing or something of that nature. So I’ll go do that.

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Profit In Peace 19: Taking Charge

Byjack

I’m angry. I feel trapped at home, at work, and in my relationship. I am tired and uncomfortable like I have no personal space. I am taking charge today.

I don’t know what that means, but right now it means, that for the first time since I came back to my parent’s house, I am doing my daily routine.

Nowhere To Go

My parents

Hovering

Watching

Judging

Like glue stuck to my arms

My girlfriend

A ball of frustration and negativity

That I feel anxiety in my core

Every time she pulls at me

My work a clash between

Two fighting parents

With me stuck in the middle

Where is the space for me?

I feel several realizations come to me when I write about these emotions. First, the technique of taking space. I feel all my oxygen, happiness, room, and sanity is taken away by others. I feel like I’m making myself smaller to give room to others. The first thing I want to do is to start taking up space, making demands, and making myself big.

The second thing that I feel is important (and might give me a clue as to how I can make myself big, and not huddle real small), is remembering my boundaries and needs:

  1. Time – I want to be in control of my time
  2. Honesty – I want to be honest with myself and others
  3. Empathy – I want to empathize and others to empathize with me
  4. Possibility – I want to believe anything is possible
  5. Respect – I want others to show respect for me and my abilities

This already gives me a clearer idea of what is happening here.

I definitely feel a lack of honesty, time, and sometimes respect and empathy at home. In fact, maybe possibility sometimes too. In my relationship I feel lack of honesty, empathy, possibility, and time (and sometimes respect). And at work, I feel a lack of respect, honesty, empathy, and time as well.

I also feel that in every scenario, the key is wanting everyone to like me to not feel uncomfortable.

I caused most of these boundary violations to happen, and that is empowering because I have the ability to change them,

One of the things I want to do instead of wanting everyone to be happy and wanting everyone to like me, is approach people with my same values.

For example, if I want to be honest with someone, empathize with them, show respect, but let go of trying to control how they feel. If I want to be respected more, I can do that with empathy and honesty and respect as well.

This is far more empowering and less stressful because I am in control of myself. I can change how I approach situations, but I cannot control others.

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How to Become a Millionaire

Byjack

Questions Raised:

  1. Should I drop something to focus on my art coaching or AI consulting?
  2. What is the hungry crowd for my coaching, for my consulting?
  3. How do I build my businesses for the long game?
  4. Do I not pay myself the whole salary?