The Perfectionist’s Life

Byjack

I was struggling really hard on making videos recently and struggling even harder to figure out what I’m doing with my life.

I know this is in large part to the enormous pressure that I put on myself in order to do well and it makes me very angry that my parents brought me up in such a way, a way in which I feel constantly paralyzed with the fear of anything less than perfection.

There are a few things that I found relief with:

MENTALITY 1: The focused mindset

Let everything else fall away but the feeling of what you are aiming at (whether it is to walk, to move, to express) and the sensations within your body. Feel the right time to strike, to act.

MENTALITY 2: The meditative mindset

Let everything fall away, most of all, your identity. Feel the universe around you and wait patiently for something to surface, let all conscious thoughts and solutioning to dissolve like sugar in water. Only sensations remain, and the vastness of space.

MENTALITY 3: The unchained mindset

Give yourself permission to do and think about everything and anything. Accept yourself for everything. Give yourself permission to do anything. Imagine that you’ve already done it and give yourself permission to do it.

In the end of the day, I realized that it’s not about what you do with you life. You can do anything. You can always change your mind. It’s more of a question of what you want to do right now if you can do anything that you want.

From Mortal To God

Byjack

“Every man is a divinity in disguise, a god playing the fool.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last few weeks have been exhausting and emotionally draining. I came to Austin to find myself and focus on building myself up and I need to focus my energy on myself.

I need to focus on my physical and mental health and I intend to use my blog as a way to track my thoughts, struggles and progress.

Things I want to focus on:

  • Thais Gibson’s personal development school – to focus on healing childhood trauma
  • Self massage, gua sha and posture – to align body and remove tension
  • Dance – to regain body awareness
  • Food and nutrition – to feed the healing of my body
  • Sleep – to regain energy and heal myself

Now the next piece is to break down every bit of resistance or difficulty in every aspect.

Personal development school courses

  • Lots of long videos
  • Worksheets
  • Poorly organized

Love and connection: work with Jenny or someone else

Certainty: Timebox, skim through entire course to get understanding

Growth: Capture video blogs throughout to see progress

Massage and Posture

Certainty: Every morning and night, indulge in the sensations

Growth: Capture pictures to see progress

Dance

Certainty: Watch old lessons every morning, feel body

Uncertainty: Try to create something new

Love and connection: Share on social media or with friends

Growth: Create videos of progress

Food and nutrition

Certainty: Cook enough food in the morning to sustain throughout the day, cook food prep that will make it easy and fast, have ritual around eating food (no electronics)

Love and connection: Invite someone over for lunch, share on social media or friends

Sleep

Certainty: Start brushing teeth around 10 PM

Love and connection: write a core wound post before bed or a poem or do some art

 

I also want to focus on weekly health audits and setting up a really nice space to shoot videos and work and play games.

Core Wounds 7

Byjack

Today I want to address the core wounds of feeling creepy and uncomfortable in my own skin.

Awkwardness in the Library

I remember wanting to feel free

To say anything to anyone

To have the power to

Take my destiny in my own hands

And walking up in the library

Feeling so much fear

What if she gives me a weird look

Like the man in new york who beckoned to me

The girl who walked away

No I don’t

She said

We all exist

Here

Perhaps, they are only trying to do the same

To be themselves

To make the world

A safe place for themselves

I can live with them

Leaving

But I’m sad

That it makes me feel alone

An Absolute Puzzle

Byjack

I am completely confused and upset by how this girl that I play Valorant went from having so much fun to always getting annoyed and mad.

Facts that I know:

  1. Used to beg me to play constantly, only stopped because I was too busy with work so I said no all the time
  2. Used to laugh and think I was very funny in games
  3. At first, was resistant to smurfing, but after she was convinced, had a ton of fun trolling on smurfs including doing frenzy only challenge
  4. Used to be afraid to talk in voice chat, only talked to me
  5. Spent all her time talking to me on Valorant and ignored her relationship because of how much she liked playing with me

She used to be my favorite person to play with for several months:

  1. Was always fun and chill
  2. Could make jokes or talk about deep stuff
  3. Made me feel special because she only wanted to play with me
  4. Would actually listen to strats unlike some girls who would get defensive when given any feedback
  5. Was very smart and improved a great deal in the time we played

However, somehow, after months of having lots and lots of fun, everything has taken a dramatic turn:

  1. Gets annoyed when she isn’t doing well and takes the game very seriously
  2. Gets annoyed when I’m taking the game too seriously but also gets mad when I goof off
  3. Wants everyone to be mean and toxic yet gets upset when people are toxic back
  4. Is mad when I’m goofing off and think I’m somehow trying very hard to be funny
  5. Claims that unrated it doesn’t matter if she wins or loses but gets mad when she loses
  6. Claims smurfs don’t matter but somehow gets mad when she loses on a smurf
  7. Somehow is able to have fun with other people and refuses to play with me now
  8. Cannot seem to remember any of our happy times and insists that she never had fun

Some factors that I think may contribute:

  1. May have been taught by someone that being slow and boring is a very bad thing, seems to be overly concerned with it and projects onto other people
  2. May feel a really strong pressure to do well, seemed to take the game extremely seriously after her friend started playing on it
  3. May also feel a great deal of pressure to play well and be less toxic around me because she wants it to work out, the pressure may cause her to do worse, and be even more toxic
  4. May feel a sense of superiority or arrogance? When we first started playing, she kept telling me she was afraid I would stop playing with her because she was lower elo than me. I never did, but always wondered if she would stop playing with me if she got better than me.

Altogether I can’t really make sense of this phenomenon and it does bother me a great deal. I suppose on some level I must accept that something about Valorant and playing with me triggers her in some deep way and that I shouldn’t let that stop me from having fun. It does make me sad that things have changed so dramatically and I lost my favorite Valorant buddy.

Valorant has become significantly less fun for me now. It almost feels like work, instead of a game that I loved. There was a period of time when I was playing with her that I truly let go of the need to win and actually just had fun. I don’t know what I need to do to get that feeling back. I hope she finds a way to have fun as well, but it breaks my heart that it isn’t with me.

Core Beliefs 2

Byjack

I have no idea how I’m going to do this today but I’m going to try. I feel so shitty about myself right now. Maybe I’ll add another core belief.

Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)

Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):

  • Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I think I look quite handsome
  • With online dating when I took better photos, a lot of girls liked me
  • When I was in college, I once hit on a girl who won a beauty pageant and she gave me her number, we flirted really hard for a few days but ended when her dad found out
  • When I was in art class, one of my friends told me that when he asked a bunch of girls in our class whether they would choose me or this guy called Michael, they all chose me (and said the choice was obvious) even though Michael was taller (and better looking in my opinion).
  • A really beautiful girl in college in my art class who I liked at first invited me to her apartment for dinner when we were flirting.
Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away

Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):

  • Once I was mad at my mom and I wanted to stay mad at her, but instead, I told her I was sorry and that I didn’t mean it. She told me that she knew I didn’t mean it and it was so sad and sweet. Usually, my mom is really hard and unwilling to show emotion.
  • I cried for the first time in a very long time recently and it helped me move on from a major heartbreak. It also brought all the men in my support group closer to me.
  • Being vulnerable and showing my emotions is what got me into the longest-running relationship I have ever been in. Even if it has issues, the emotions really made us close.
  • When I complained about being upset to my friend in my art class, she seemed to feel closer to me when she comforted me
  • Another friend in art class told me I was able to read her emotions very strongly. I felt so much sadness from her, I changed the subject before I would start to cry.
  • A co-worker from work once started crying when she opened up to me about how she didn’t seem to be able to get it right with her relationships. She is usually very emotionless but I think she opened up to me because of how accepting I am of emotions.
Core Wound 3: I am a bad person (it is my fault that I hurt people)

Evidence to the contrary (I am a good person, and it’s not always my fault people get hurt):

  • I’m always looking to mentor new people at my work who seem to be having trouble
  • I found a new career path that makes sense for someone who is lost and I really care about
  • I always try to give up my seat on a bus for someone who is old or injured
  • I’m trying to make a difference with the environment at my workplace
  • I stayed around to help my grandmother get to the hospital and offered to give my parents thousands of dollars to help pay for her medical costs

Core Beliefs 1

Byjack

Today I got into an argument with someone who is very close to my heart. Thinking about the argument later makes me think about what is painful about the relationship in general and the core wounds that it brings up.

Core wounds are damaging beliefs that we have about ourselves that we repeatedly look for evidence for (and traumatize ourselves constantly with). 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches us that core wounds can be reprogrammed by finding evidence to the contrary. Thais Gibson recommends doing this for at least 21 days for the new beliefs to set in.

This is day one for me.

Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)

Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):

  • A girl in college who was very beautiful who I liked blushed every time I talked to her and liked me back. She was mean to other guys who showed interest.
  • When I was being myself and feeling confident recently, lots of women from girls on the plane, on the trail, at rental properties all seemed really eager to talk to me and help me. I’ve been told I have really good energy.
  • A girl that I love told me she likes the way I look, likes my thin frame and my hands.
  • A girl in high school once had a crush on me after flirting with her once. I might have made an impression on her.
  • A girl who I met playing a mobile game with, added me on her Snapchat and would talk to me for hours, there must have been a reason.

This is a really strong core wound for me. I often compare myself to others and feel like I’m less attractive. I feel that no one really likes me.

Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away

Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):

  • A lot of my art tends to come from my emotions and feelings and lots of people like them
  • Because of my emotions, I tend to be more honest, open and empathetic in support groups
  • I tend to connect with a lot of women by emotions. It’s why I like to have girls as friends and a lot of girls like me.
  • Emotions make me experience things more deeply, like when I cry watching Moana.
  • My emotions help me read other people much better because I can feel what they are feeling.

I always feel, especially with some people, that my emotions are too much and push people away. I worry people like hard and cold unemotional guys since they are stronger and don’t need anything. I also sometimes want to be strong and dominant and I don’t know how to reconcile that with emotions.

My Darker Side

Byjack

Today I wanted to talk about a side of myself that I felt was missing. A part of myself that when I reclaim, I feel powerful and clear. Strong and true.

I’m talking about my darker side. The parts of myself, that until recently, I was afraid to face. The parts I locked away because I thought they were too ugly to look at. The anger, the hatred, the rage, the lust, the desire for control and domination.

I have a very hard edge that I hold back a lot of the time these days. I always try to approach everything from a positive light because I fear that if I let myself react in the way that I want to, bad things will happen. That I will be unlovable, hopeless, and lonely.

There is someone in my life, who I count very special who has been the only one to see clearly enough to embrace my darker side. Who understands how honest and real it is, despite the fact that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Who will understand instead of judging and admonishing when my darker self makes an appearance.

When I embrace my full self, I wonder how important youtube is. I wonder how important it is to win the approval of others. It makes me want to be less kind, that kindness simply feels overused and boring if I do it too much. That it is a drug and a sweet poison if I turn to it as a way to ignore the darker thoughts.

It makes me want to bring my hard edge into my youtube more often. It makes me want to be harder with the people around me. It makes me want it to pervade through everything I do and attempt.

Seeking Adventure

Byjack

I’ve been feeling really unhappy that I haven’t been traveling or going on adventures lately. I meditated on it a long time today to try to figure it out. The more that I thought about it, the more I realized that I feel stuck in almost every area of my life. Specifically, I don’t feel like I’m making much progress in my Valorant Challenge, and a video that I am working on I feel like I’ve hit a dead end. Today I had a dance lesson and I felt like I couldn’t grasp the techniques quick enough, and I feel so distant from the girl I love sometimes.

However, anything that came to me didn’t feel right. I thought about how I could take risks, drive somewhere, fix the feeling that I had somehow. I came to an important realization. I’m not unhappy with anything in my life. I’m at a stage where there is a degree of uncertainty I’m worried that something will go wrong, that my hopes and dreams will fall away. However, that’s not the case at all. Sometimes, all you need to do is keep going, accept and feel the feelings of uncertainty and have the courage to be curious as to see what the future will hold.

In almost every area of my life that I feel stuck, there is a promise of something really truly special. An amazing challenge on a computer game. A wonderful artistic fun video for an event I’m holding. Being able to truly express me and feel confident in my body with dance. and last but not least, a love story that will change my life. All I need to do is be brave enough to wait to see what will happen next.

Perhaps it’s not the risk or adventure that I miss when traveling. It is the feeling of taking each day, one step at a time. Always being in the moment. Allowing life to happen and unfold in front of you. Trusting my gut and intuition.

Figuring out the How To Video Type: Meditation Video

Byjack

I want to figure out how to make the how-to-video type.

The first video I want to make is how to meditate.

Who I’m making it for: A friend at work who asked me about it

Why it matters:

  • Meditation has many benefits:
    • Calmness
    • Clear mind
    • Faster thinking
    • More energy

    • Deeper breathing

When to do it:

  • Tired, overwhelmed, stressed, procrastinating, upset

What you need:

  • Quiet place
  • Ideally, place to lie down
  • A good soundtrack to focus on
  • At least 30 minutes for beginners, at least 5 minutes for advanced meditators

Fundamentals for mastery:

  • Let go of any plan
  • Be patient
  • Wait for the answers, the feelings, the thoughts come to you
  • Focus on the sounds or the sounds of your breathing if you start to feel uncomfortable or restless

Video Type Footage and Elements

Byjack

I realized that I have made every single video type that I said in the last blog post (Video Poem, How To Video, Challenge Video, Conversation Video) except the How To Video.

I think the reason why, is that I tend to restrict myself with only shooting myself, when in How To Videos I would actually have a lot more fun shooting it with many more elements such as animation, and stop motion.

Going on that theme, I’m going through every video type and breaking down the types of video I’m going to try in each.

Video Poem
  • Lots of beautiful b-roll (mostly from traveling)
  • Some b-roll from video personal diary entries
  • Voice over from a written script
  • Collage of elements, textures, images, text and footage
How-to Video
  • Less is more
  • Animation
  • Stop motion
  • B-roll
  • Talking head (straight on face shot)
  • Text on screen
  • Focus on simplicity and directly to the point
Challenge Video
  • Broll of challenge
  • Diary entries from during the challenge
  • Voice overs
  • Broll for explanations
  • Focus on the journey and try to convey how it felt for real
Conversation Video
  • Little to no editing
  • Natural and interesting conversation