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Taking Care of Myself
Taking Care of Myself
It’s the hardest thing
The first instinct is to fix it
To figure out what would I need to do
To make it work
It’s hard to let that go, and take time for myself
To do the things that I need to do
I’m starting to figure out the mystery of why I lost motivation
And that clarity gives me hope
My first instinct would be to tell her
What was missing for me in the relationship
What I need for me to want this again
But maybe she doesn’t want to hear it
Maybe it’s too much for her already
And I know it is too soon anyway
I need to forgive myself
Be loving to myself
Sleep
Take care of myself
Workpost 83: Making a Gaming Video
Need to shoot a gaming video today
- “I got a bit of a dilemma”
- “This is my Valorant jacket. I got it when I watched the world championship in LA a year ago. I love playing Valorant.”
- “But this is the 21 day youtuber challenge”
- “I’ve yet to figure out how to connect those two passions together. But that changes today”
- “Hi everyone, my name is Jack, and this in the Youtuber challenge, the challenge where I post a video everyday, working not for views, but for the love of making videos”
- “There are a bunch of things I’m super passionate about, but haven’t figured out how to connect to a Youtube video yet. And one of those things is gaming.”
- “But here’s my problem with gaming. I like playing alone, I don’t like talking while I’m gaming, but I do feel like there are certain things I like to share after the game is done.”
- “Here is the plan. I have fun gaming. In between, I’ll do a little bit of journaling, and afterwards, I’ll just edit a video that is fun for me”
League Challenge Rough Cut
Like
- Love the energy throughout
- Love the beginning
- Love the day title cards
Work On?
- Maybe more music that is different
- Try to make it more clear that it was the first game
- Maybe make it more clear what is happened? (I’m the guy with the green highlight, screen turns dark, I’m dead)
- Maybe explain my strategies in improving in league more? (Practice tool)
- Maybe explain how league works more? (Explain mini games)
- Break up the footage or shorten it more, might be slow at times.
- Maybe explain that it was a two day challenge earlier?
Specifics
- 0:05 better grade
- 0:19 better grade, harder cutting
- 0:32 harder cutting, feels slow
- 0:53 timing feels off, out of sync with music
- 1:41 great energy but need something to transition better
- 8:30 more kinetic editing on final words
- 2:48 need to fade sound out from voice to cut off extra words
Thoughts
- Need to draw inspiration from other league youtubers who post highlights (maybe Professor Akali?)
- Take a step back, and work on something else for a bit, maybe my business idea. Need some time away to see what I want to do next clearly.
- Get specific feedback from multiple people.
Gameplan
Overall, I feel like this is an excellent rough cut, great pacing and energy but it lacks polish.
To work on the polish I will:
- Break down portions I need to work on and split them out to perfect them
- Work with my brother or someone else by my side in order to make it easier
An Absolute Puzzle
I am completely confused and upset by how this girl that I play Valorant went from having so much fun to always getting annoyed and mad.
Facts that I know:
- Used to beg me to play constantly, only stopped because I was too busy with work so I said no all the time
- Used to laugh and think I was very funny in games
- At first, was resistant to smurfing, but after she was convinced, had a ton of fun trolling on smurfs including doing frenzy only challenge
- Used to be afraid to talk in voice chat, only talked to me
- Spent all her time talking to me on Valorant and ignored her relationship because of how much she liked playing with me
She used to be my favorite person to play with for several months:
- Was always fun and chill
- Could make jokes or talk about deep stuff
- Made me feel special because she only wanted to play with me
- Would actually listen to strats unlike some girls who would get defensive when given any feedback
- Was very smart and improved a great deal in the time we played
However, somehow, after months of having lots and lots of fun, everything has taken a dramatic turn:
- Gets annoyed when she isn’t doing well and takes the game very seriously
- Gets annoyed when I’m taking the game too seriously but also gets mad when I goof off
- Wants everyone to be mean and toxic yet gets upset when people are toxic back
- Is mad when I’m goofing off and think I’m somehow trying very hard to be funny
- Claims that unrated it doesn’t matter if she wins or loses but gets mad when she loses
- Claims smurfs don’t matter but somehow gets mad when she loses on a smurf
- Somehow is able to have fun with other people and refuses to play with me now
- Cannot seem to remember any of our happy times and insists that she never had fun
Some factors that I think may contribute:
- May have been taught by someone that being slow and boring is a very bad thing, seems to be overly concerned with it and projects onto other people
- May feel a really strong pressure to do well, seemed to take the game extremely seriously after her friend started playing on it
- May also feel a great deal of pressure to play well and be less toxic around me because she wants it to work out, the pressure may cause her to do worse, and be even more toxic
- May feel a sense of superiority or arrogance? When we first started playing, she kept telling me she was afraid I would stop playing with her because she was lower elo than me. I never did, but always wondered if she would stop playing with me if she got better than me.
Altogether I can’t really make sense of this phenomenon and it does bother me a great deal. I suppose on some level I must accept that something about Valorant and playing with me triggers her in some deep way and that I shouldn’t let that stop me from having fun. It does make me sad that things have changed so dramatically and I lost my favorite Valorant buddy.
Valorant has become significantly less fun for me now. It almost feels like work, instead of a game that I loved. There was a period of time when I was playing with her that I truly let go of the need to win and actually just had fun. I don’t know what I need to do to get that feeling back. I hope she finds a way to have fun as well, but it breaks my heart that it isn’t with me.
Breaking Down What Racial Discrimination Really Is
I believe that racial discrimination exists primarily in today’s day and age in two forms:
- Attractiveness. We know attractiveness is partly biological, but it is also in large part cultural. White people are considered more attractive than other races. We also know “pretty privilege” exists and has a profound effect on how trustworthy, successful and smart someone is. We are biologically and socially hardwired to like attractive people.
- Social economics. We know that white people own most of the wealth. We also know wealth is generational and can give you a huge advantage in life.
Let’s just run through a few examples:
- Who has a better chance of being an actor? What about a tik tok star? An attractive person or an unattractive person?
- Who has a better chance of being a banker? Or a real estate agent? Someone who’s parents are investment bankers, or if their parents worked at Mcdonalds?
I believe that affirmative action and other tools to remove bias are not meant to “even the playing field” or create an “equality of outcome” (even distributions) but rather to counteract biases that may be counter to the correct action or truth. For example, hiring a more attractive person even though they are lazier, dumber and have less experience.
I do believe that race can be very complicated and there are many instances that are not being considered here. However, I feel that those cases are more niche and require more thinking as to the best solution, such as:
- Perceptions of blacks as more capable of crime.
- Women not succeeding as much because of childbearing.
Broadly it is clear to me that this has two main implications:
- Mainstream ideas about race discount the disadvantages of “ugly” low-income white people.
- Mainstream race theory overcompensates for perceived roadblocks of “attractive” wealthy minorities (as they are not only privileged but are often touted as the beacons of hope when they are benefitting from the same system that is currently creating bias).
The only two things I would support affirmative action for would be affirmation action for looks (I don’t know how this would be measured exactly) and for social economic status. I believe that affirmation action in these two areas would:
- Disproportionally benefit minorities as they are considered uglier and are often poorer
- It would call attention to bias that we have very often in our own lives, a bias that affects our ability to make clear and rational decisions
- We would see many competent and talented people who were formerly ignored, be brought to the top
Finally, I would say that all races and all people struggle with issues. There is little to no point in trying to make everyone happy. The main point is to somehow come up with a system where our biases have checks and balances that will guide us to making the most rational and clear decisions.
Being someone who has grown up a minority in America, there is a big wound racism creates within you, a feeling that there is something wrong with you. However, those wounds are opportunities to heal and become wiser, they are not something that everyone else needs to carefully tiptoe around (and be politically correct about). Wounds and pain are not bad things. We can show compassion without enabling people to not grow emotionally and not face their own demons.
Sova Fanart 4: Class Unit 2 Day 1
UNIT TWO: Dynamic Figure Drawing | Day 1 – Explore figure sketching techniques/simplification
I’ve been actively avoiding working on this challenge all day. I feel like it is because it is so damn overwhelming. It took so much for me to even just sit down and start working on this.
But now that I have sat down and am working on this, I want to create a mini lesson plan for today.
Since today is about exploring figure sketching techniques and simplification, I shall design a lesson plan to make it impossible not to get good at those things. As I’ve said before, lesson plans let me connect to the present moment, on one task at a time. This in turn helps me work through the feeling of being overwhelmed.
Mini syllabus for: explore figure sketching techniques/simplification
Total time: 90 minutes (est 30 min per unit, 10 min per part)
Mini unit 1: Research
- Part 1: OpenAI and Bing
- Part 2: Google
- Part 3: Youtube
Mini unit 2: Experiment
- Part 1: School of thought 1
- Part 2: School of thought 2
- Part 3: School of thought 3
Mini unit 3: Practice
- Part 1: Simple poses
- Part 2: Dynamic poses
- Part 3: Foreshortened and perspective poses
Mini unit 1: Research
Part 1: OpenAI and Bing
Part 2: Google
Why You Should Start with Armatures When Learning to Draw Figures (artistsnetwork.com)
How to draw figures without a model – Artists & Illustrators (artistsandillustrators.co.uk)
Draw Heads On Any Angle, From Your Imagination (howtodrawcomics.net)
Part 3: Youtube
Main school of thought to try out:
- Basic armature
- Circle head, half for nose line, half of that for mouth line
- line for neck
- line for spine
- line for hips perpendicular to spine
- line for shoulders perpendicular to spine
- Head shapes
- circle with lopped side for skull
- cut cube for face
- Sketchy woodwork for finding pose
- Keep scratching until a form emerges
- Erase or lighten then refine
- Advanced shapes
- triangle tricep
- triangle forearm
- teardrop thighs
- diamond calf
- box pecs
- triangle delts
- pen tip torso
Mini unit 2: Experiment
Part 1: School of thought 1
I practiced basic armature and it looked pretty bad. I think I started to improve when I moved the hips a little higher.
Part 2: School of thought 2
Things started to improve a little here. I really like the method of simple shapes for the head. I felt like I understood the geometry much better.
Part 3: School of thought 3
This is when I used the sketchy woodwork carving out a pose and when I refined it, I used the advanced shaped coupled with everything else I learned. I really really like this method. Gives me dynamic poses without losing the anatomy.
I didn’t get to Unit 3 because I feel complete and it is 2AM and I want to go to bed.
Very happy with today’s progress. I feel like I killed it at the figure drawings and I feel much more confident drawing figures.