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Byjack
After almost 3 months away from home, I’m finally back and I’m reminded of the life I built here. Peaceful, open, free, and lonely. There are so many possibilities and spaciousness to fill my life with wonderful things.
Today I want to focus my time in building the life that I want to live in the next few months when I will be transitioning to a part time role in my day job in order to spend more time on coaching and building my life up.
Here are some things I want to do:
- Unpack
- Clean & Tidy
- Cut my nails
- Look into Gi Doctors
- Look into a sleep study
- Spend some time with the gf
- Cook food
- Plan my trip with my brother and sister
- Cross off any remaining things on my todo list
Basically, I want to have a clean slate for the next stage of things such as:
- Finding a part time gig where I can exercise without hurting myself
- Signing back up for jiujitsu
- Editing youtube shorts of coaching sessions
- Setting up more coaching sessions
- Working on sales plays for AI consulting
- Researching into buying a house
I went for a morning walk and I wanted to express some appreciation that I gained from my journeys.
Parents House, appreciations for:
- Health
- Cooking
- Playing games with my brother
France, appreciation for:
- Walking
- Beauty of old buildings
- Cuddling
My happiest times in my parent’s house were eating food, and spending time with my brother and parents.
My happiest times in France were spending time with my girlfriend and coming up with crazy schemes.
I was also stressed in both places. In my parent’s house, it was being watched by my parents. In France, I felt very unsafe. Unsafe in stores, on the streets, unsafe in the Airbnb (afraid to break or spill things), unsafe while working (afraid not to be productive).
I think safety is something I want to work on as France is somewhere I would like to feel more at home at.
The Beauty of Eternal Loneliness
Byjack
The Beauty of Eternal Loneliness
When I met her
I felt whole
Her love
Insistant, constant
Made me feel safe
Made me feel free
Accepted
Made me want to feel
Devoted
But when the loneliness came back
I tried to lean
On her
And I leaned instead
On a wall of toothpicks
Left behind
When I fell
The toothpicks scattered around me
I’ve never felt more alone in my life
I tried to fill something missing in me
With her
So much
I forgot
No one is forever
We are alone
From the moment we draw our first
To the last
And when I tried to desperately fill
The loneliness with her
The loneliness that was a part of me
I also lost
The one person
Who was there
Before she came
After she leaves
The only one
Who can be alone together
With me
Me
There is no shame in loving hard, loving deeply. All love comes with sadness and a special sort of sadness that can be so unbearable we try to cover its beauty. But don’t be afraid. Love is the most beautiful emotion we feel.
We seeks people who can heal us, compliment us and challenge us. It is the best thing in the world to seek out such people. Finding other people can be the most rewarding experience ever.
However, when we feel lonely, it reminds us to ask ourselves the question:
- How do I feel? Let the answer come to you.
- What would make you happy? What if you gave yourself permission to fail?
If we worry too much about losing someone:
- We feel the feelings
- A reminder that we are always alone
- We let our frustration out in a way that feels good (running, hitting something)
- Creating art that feels good
- Focus on the present, that is all that exists
We should never be afraid to love. But we should be afraid of trying to replace ourselves with them.
From Mortal To God
Byjack
“Every man is a divinity in disguise, a god playing the fool.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
The last few weeks have been exhausting and emotionally draining. I came to Austin to find myself and focus on building myself up and I need to focus my energy on myself.
I need to focus on my physical and mental health and I intend to use my blog as a way to track my thoughts, struggles and progress.
Things I want to focus on:
- Thais Gibson’s personal development school – to focus on healing childhood trauma
- Self massage, gua sha and posture – to align body and remove tension
- Dance – to regain body awareness
- Food and nutrition – to feed the healing of my body
- Sleep – to regain energy and heal myself
Now the next piece is to break down every bit of resistance or difficulty in every aspect.
Personal development school courses
- Lots of long videos
- Worksheets
- Poorly organized
Love and connection: work with Jenny or someone else
Certainty: Timebox, skim through entire course to get understanding
Growth: Capture video blogs throughout to see progress
Massage and Posture
Certainty: Every morning and night, indulge in the sensations
Growth: Capture pictures to see progress
Dance
Certainty: Watch old lessons every morning, feel body
Uncertainty: Try to create something new
Love and connection: Share on social media or with friends
Growth: Create videos of progress
Food and nutrition
Certainty: Cook enough food in the morning to sustain throughout the day, cook food prep that will make it easy and fast, have ritual around eating food (no electronics)
Love and connection: Invite someone over for lunch, share on social media or friends
Sleep
Certainty: Start brushing teeth around 10 PM
Love and connection: write a core wound post before bed or a poem or do some art
I also want to focus on weekly health audits and setting up a really nice space to shoot videos and work and play games.
Self Discipline and Self Confidence
Byjack
I started to understand what it means to have “self-discipline” and using that to build self-confidence.
It isn’t about holding yourself to arbitrary rules and forcing yourself to do things that you don’t want to do (but think you “should do” or that other people think you should do).
It is about challenging yourself. If you have a challenge mindset, you don’t worry about failure, you are interested in the possibility. If you have self discipline in a challenge, it means to focus on that and as you follow through, you start to build confidence.
As Goggins says, you don’t get happiness or confidence from comfort, you get it from facing yourself and facing your fears.
The big issue between people who really understand and those who are fake motivation is that people who are fake push themselves for other people, they push themselves out of fear. The people who understand, have embraced fear, they push themselves WITH the fear. People who don’t understand, disconnect from themselves and ignore fear. The people who understand CONNECT with fear, feel it MORE not LESS.
Feeling Awful Waking Up
Byjack
Yesterday, I went to bed late. I didn’t want to wake up the next day.
Today was the next day. And it sucked. Just like I had feared. I was tired. I was stressed. I was an hour late to a meeting that was at 8AM.
Today I wanted to find a new solution. I want to find a different way to look at things. And I think I found it.
Here are the key parts of my new mindset:
- Think about how much money I want to make today from 0 to about $500. Think about what projects I want to work on that will be worth that much.
- Think about how I want to increase the value of the company I am contracted to – so I can have a success story and be paid more.
- Take care of myself. Make tea, go for a walk.
- Go to a nice place to work, go through my to do list. Create my workpost for the day.
If work is demanded early without having time to prepare, compensate myself an hour. Then bring blankets and other comfy things to my chair to make myself comfy and allow myself to wake up slowly.
Two Important Questions
Byjack
I was thinking about the concept of how Alex Hormzi approaches learning. The idea that you purpose things in a way expecting to fail at first, but you pursue them in such a way that you make it hard for you to fail. That the chances that you will fail is lower than the chances of success.
I was thinking about what made emotional or spiritual success. And that brought me to a few different ideas. They all centered around one thing, the relationship with oneself. I believe that the relationship that you have with yourself dictates the freedom and happiness you have in life. Some ways in which I am not a kind or loving friend or parent to myself are:
- Thinking my needs are not important, especially if they make it less convenient for other people
- Shaming myself and comparing myself to other people
- Lashing out at myself when I’m not the best or successful
- Yelling at myself for making mistakes
- Putting on the pressure that if I’m not stressed I will not perform
- Being disgusted by my weakness
What if I took this idea from Alex Hormzi? What if I accepted I am going to be a shit friend and parent to myself but I am going to ask myself what I need to do to make it harder to be unkind and unloving toward myself than it is to be kind and loving?
Well, what would the most loving parent do for me?
- Value my emotions and encourage me to explore them
- Hold me close when I’m upset or feeling weak and vulnerable
- I am the most important person in their life, they will drop everything if I need them
- Be interested in hearing about new adventures and failures and lessons
- Does not see me as a static person but as a sum of everything I’ve been, where I’m now, and where I’m headed
- Guide me when I’m feeling lost or need to defend myself
I want to know how I can make it impossible for me to not do that for myself.
Some ideas come to mind:
- Create a meditative time to watch my own content (read my journals, watch my videos, listen to my recordings). It feels like 1,4 and especially 5. As a side effect, this can create GREAT opportunities for understanding what kinds of videos I can make.
- Write down and read my thoughts when I feel lost, scared, angry, ashamed or frustrated. Create a place to feel hurt. This can hit at 1,3, and 4, and maybe 6 if I write responses to things I write.
- Work on dance therapy especially the following elements: allowing the world to hold you, inward closing comfort, sensual movement and touch, outward releasing movement
I don’t know how to come up with a strategy on how to mix this in with my life yet but some of my ideas includes:
- Using therapists as a safe space to practice
- Using people who are close as a way to practice
- Using camera off meetings as a way to practice
- Using youtube videos and coaching as a way to practice